TITLE: If the Shoe Fits
AUTHOR: Cheddar (cheddar1013@yahoo.com), with help from
Sicily
SUMMARY: Fox Mulder must find the beautiful woman who left
her shoe at his ball before midnight…. or else.
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: None
CATEGORY: H, MSR
FEEDBACK: Please. I beg of you
ARCHIVING: Anywhere (as long as name and email are still
on it)
DISCLAIMER: *takes a breath* Mulder and Scully…. *sigh*
aren't mine. (phew that was the hardest part of the whole fic)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay I wrote the first 8 pages of this several
months ago, then a horrible thing called Fourth Quarter of School happened. Now
that I am free (Hey I wrote a fic called that!), fics are first priority. Hope
you enjoy
******
The Palace
3:12 pm
King "Don't light it"
Spender marched up the long flight of stairs up to his son's room. Well,
perhaps "marched" isn't the correct verb in this case. More
accurately, he staggered- due to the fact that eighteen-nineteenths of his
lungs were missing from the cancer. The poor man leaned against the stony walls
and crawled up until he reached the top.
"Fox,"
he wheezed. "Come out here. Please."
His lanky
Highness, Prince Fox grudgingly opened the door and jerked his headphones off
his ears. "Whaddya want now, old man?" he yelled over his rebellious
Jimi Hendrix music.
"Fox,"
the King choked. "We need to have a talk…"
"Awww
Dad you already gave me The Talk last year," he whined. "I don't want
to know anymore. It's not like I'm ever gonna use it…"
"No..
different… talk…"
"For
gosh-sakes, Dad," Fox murmured, leaning over to light a cigarette and
stick it in his father's mouth.
The King- immediately healed-
suddenly jumped up put his hands on his hip. "Look, kid," he began.
"You're thirty-nine years old. You can't keep living in the nursery on the
top floor. You gotta get a wife sometime-"
"Dad!" Prince Fox
whined. "Dad, I don't want a wife-"
"Son I'm not going to live
forever," King Spender reminded him. His son turned away and lowered his
face.
"Dad, don't say that,"
he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes.
"Well, son, it's the
truth," the old man said, pulling his beloved Prince close to him.
"You need to get married and take over the Kingdom."
Heh heh, Fox though. King. King
Fox. That has a nice ring to it.
"Okay Dad. I'll find a
wife. But how?"
"Well that's just what I
came to talk to you about. I have been talking to Royal Advisor Alex and Royal
Advisor Marita about having a ball. The most splendid ball of all the Kingdom.
We'll invite all the rich people in all the land. And the abudctees, and the Government
spies-"
"And the MUFON
members?" Prince Fox asked hopefully.
King Spender patted his head.
"Yes, little one. And the MUFON members."
"Oh joy!" Prince Fox
cried, clapping his hands. "Thank you, Dad!"
The Gentle and Kind King
chuckled as his son ran back into his room. "Tonight!" he called.
"You better get Royal Advisor Alex to give you a bath." At this,
Prince Fox jumped with excitement. Royal Advisor Alex was his favorite. Well,
Royal Advisor Walter was really his favorite. He used to sneak sunflower seeds
up to the Prince with is midnight drink, but he ran away with some blonde last
year and Fox hadn't seen him since.
Across Town
6:15 pm
"A
ball!?!" Citizen Marge cried. "Oh wonderful! Missy! Missy! Come join
me in the parlor for a moment, dear."
Missy
scampered happily into the parlor. "Yes, Mother?"
"Sweetheart,
I just got an invitation from the Royal Consortium that tonight there will be a
ball held at the Palace and you and your sister are invited to come!"
"Oh
Mother," Missy breathed. "That sounds wonderful, but I have to rotate
my constellation marbles tonight. They say it's going to be a full moon."
"Missy-"
Marge warned. "I won't let you miss this. This is a big night. Why you
could find yourself a husband tonight! By the way, where's your sister?"
At this
point, her bundle of joy Billy skipped in. "Hi Mummy. How are you
today?"
His mother
looked at him sideways. "Billy where is your sister?"
"I
dunno."
"Billy,"
she said slowly. "There's going to be a ball tonight-"
"A
ball???" Billy cried. "Mommy,
mommy please let me go!"
"I
don't know, honey. It says only Missy and Dana are invited."
Billy
crossed his hands across his chest. "Why do they always get
invited? They should be home spending time with their family. I bet that
stupid Prince was involved in this."
Citizen
Marge ignored his rude comments. "Now I have to go to a very important
meeting tonight, so I am leaving you three alone here. Be nice to your sisters,
Billy. Missy, you and Dana get ready to go to the ball. I'll see you late
tonight. Have a good time." She kissed her two children on the cheeks and
then left.
Missy ran
up to the stairs. "Oh a ball… I can't wait! DANA!!" she screamed.
"DRAW MY BATHWATER!! I'M COMING UP!"
Billy
snickered. "DANA!!! MOM SAYS MISSY AND I GET TO GO TO THE BALL TONIGHT.
YOU STAY HERE AND FILL OUT MY APPLICATION FOR THE NAVYYYYY," he called up.
"AND MAKE IT SOUND REALLY GOOD!"
Upstairs,
Dana sighed. She was covered in ashes from cleaning up Billy's cigarettes he
had left burning in his bed when she heard her wicked brother and sister
screaming.
"I
wish I could go to the ball," she said softly. "Billy always
locks me in the closet when he and Missy go out somewhere. I wish I could get
out of the house… get out of my own beeping little blankety-blank corner-"
In her
younger days, Dana used to sing a song about her little corner. Then Billy
poured antifreeze all over it and threw a match in it. It had never been the
same since.
"Dana,"
Missy whined, entering the room. "My bunion's hurting me. Scrape it when
you're finished with my bathwater."
Once again
Dana sighed. It was such a hard-knock life.
The Royal Palace
6:45 pm
"Father,
the decorations look magnificent," Fox commented, coming down the stairs
in his Royal Bathrobe.
"Why
thank you, son," his father said, lighting up a cigarette. "Royal
Advisor Diana picked them out. Have you decided what to wear tonight?"
"Why
yes, actually," the Prince said, dropping his robe to reveal a red Speedo.
"Isn't it nice?"
From across
the room, Royal Advisor Diana's eyes popped out of her/it's head.
"Um,"
King Spender stammered. "It's… nice…"
"Royal
Advisor Alex picked it out for me," Prince Fox boasted. "He said it
was flattering."
The King
cleared his cancer-stricken throat. "Fox… perhaps you should wear your
Palace clothes. You know… the fancy ones."
Prince Fox
sighed and went up to his room to change.
Across Town
7:00 pm
"Oh
Billy," Missy said, giggling. "You look quite handsome. All the
ladies will want a piece of you."
Billy
smirked and leaned over and whispered to his sister, "Actually I was going
more for the big prize…the Prince."
Missy
looked at him and gasped. "No! He's mine!"
"Shut
up you clairvoyant bitch! He's mine!"
"I
can't believe you, you fruitcake!"
Dana closed
the door to her tiny little room, tears welling up in her eyes. She hated
yelling.
An Hour
Later
Dana
watched sadly as her brother and sister climbed into the family car and drove
away to the grand ball. She could picture it now- decorations everywhere,
beautiful long dresses, maybe even alcohol in the drinks! O how she wished she
could be there.
*PooF*! A
cloud of smoke erupted in front of her. Dana coughed and wondered what had
happened. When the smoke cleared, to her surprise, a little man in round
glasses stood in front of her. On his back he wore pink wings, you know, the
kind with elastic that goes around your arms that you buy from Wal-Mart for
four bucks?
"Hey
sweetie," he said, leaning over with a grin. "Got any plans
tonight?"
Dana stood
up, insulted. "Who are you?"
He sighed.
"I'm your Fairy Godgunman. I'm here to take you to the ball."
"What?
I can't go to the ball! Look at me! I'm covered in soot, bile from the last
autopsy I did, and I have nothing to wear! Plus I haven't been on a date for
seven years," she said miserably.
"That's
the reason I'm here. I'm here to clean you up and make you presentable. Then
you can go to the ball. You want to go to the ball, right?"
Dana fell
to her knees and clasped the little man's half-gloved hands. "Oh yes, more
than anything in the world!"
*PooF*! The
Fairy Godgunman waved the keyboard in his hands in front of her and Dana was
transformed. She was suddenly clean, and her hair was it's natural red color
again. He waved the keyboard again and she now had dazzling makeup on and her
hair was put up. She had gold earrings and her plain gold cross was now lined
in diamonds. *PooF*! Her old rags were gone and she was now wearing a long, red
sparkling ball gown with a low neck and
long white gloves. And on her feet she wore golden glass slippers on her feet.
The poor
girl looked down in awe at herself. Never had she been able to afford these
clothes, not on a G-woman's salary. She looked up with tears in her eyes at the
little man.
"Oh
you are so kind!" she cried, hugging him. "What can I do to repay
you?"
The Fairy
Godgunman grinned. "How about a little one, on the cheek?"
Happily, Dana kissed her
Godgunman's cheek. "But how will I get to the ball?" she asked.
The
Godgunman looked around and pointed to a baseball on Dana's bed. With a wave of his keyboard, it was now transformed
into a grand, sparkling new UFO. He waved his keyboard again and it was sitting
outside in Citizen Marge's driveway.
Looking at
her clock, Dana knew she had to run. With another kiss on her Fairy Godgunman's
cheek, she scurried out to her UFO. Her Godgunman called to her that she must
be back before twelve, when the spell wore off.
She was on
her way.
The
Palace
8:00 pm
Prince Fox
had never looked so magnificent, nor had the palace ever looked so enchanting.
All the ladies were in their finest gowns and all the men in their finest
tuxedos. (Prince Fox wore his red Speedo under his, just to be rebellious. O he
is a wild one, don't you think?)
The party
seemed to be going nicely, except that Royal Advisor Diana had been caught in
the back room table-dancing for some of the gentlemen people at the
party. She was immediately sent up to her room, along with King Spender.
The
handsome Prince finally got a chance to sneak over to the food between dances.
Along the way he passed a group of abudctees, comparing implants in vials. With
a wistful touch to the back of his neck, Prince Fox looked at them longingly.
He had always wished to be part of that group- to be abducted. Just once.
That's all he asked for.
He was just
about to reach for a sunflower-seed cupcake, when lights turned down. People
began to gasp, and Prince Fox immediately turned around to see what all the
hubbub was about. A spotlight suddenly slammed onto the very top step. The
people were silent. Very slowly, a beautiful young woman walked slowly into it.
She squinted a bit from the glare, but nonetheless looked absolutely magical.
Chris deBurg's cheesy 80's hit "Lady In Red" filled the speakers.
Fox felt
his heart melting to the floor. He had never seen such a woman before. She had
short, red hair (which matched her dress perfectly) and blue eyes. She was
quite short, but had a beautiful figure.
It was in
that instant that Fox knew who his soulmate was.
The people
were in awe of the mystery woman, who no one knew, but soon went back to their
dancing and socializing. The Prince, meanwhile, tried his darndest to make his
way over to the woman. In his mind he was wondering if he should introduce
himself as The Prince, or Her Soulmate…
From across
the room, Billy Scully had been eying Fox the entire night. While his sister
joined a group of people who believed they were Julius Caesar's lover in a past
life, Billy stood alone, watching the Prince's every step. Aha! He was finally
alone! Now was Billy's chance to make his move.
Dana looked
around in amazement at the palace. It was even more marvelous then the travel
brochures had said! Whoever had designed this place was quite talented, she
decided.
Several men
had already asked Dana if she would dance, but she turned most of them down.
The only one she didn't turn down was a man named Ed, who told her if she
didn't dance with him then he'd sic his talking tattoo on her. Dana quickly
complied.
For the
time being, however, the peasant girl was alone, smiling warmly at those who
passed by. Suddenly, she turned to her side, coming face to face with the most
strikingly attractive man she had ever feasted her eyes upon. He had dark brown
hair, a mole on his left cheek, and a cute Jewish nose. He was quite tall,
especially to Dana, and cute as a button.
"Um…"
he stuttered. "Hi."
"Hi,"
she squeaked back. Her hands were shaking.
"I was
wondering if…if you would like… to um… to dance? Now? With me?" he choked.
Whew. That was hard.
Dana felt
as if she was flying. "Of course!" she said. "I'm not familiar
with this song though…"
"Me
either. Let's wait for the next one."
"Okay,"
she replied, and sighed contently. She couldn't believe this was happening. She
made a quick silent prayer to her little bald-headed Godgunman, thanking
him.
She and the
Prince chatted for a moment, introducing themselves, saying their favorite
things, you know the sort. They began laughing and talking more and more, until
four songs had passed! They were having such a good time that they didn't even
notice.
The DJ got
on the microphone and announced their next song. Prince Fox clapped his hands
together happily. "Dana! I love this song! We have to dance."
Dana loved
this song too. "Okay," she said, as he pulled her near and stepped
out to the dance floor. "What's it called again?"
"Walking
in Memphis," Fox replied, raising his voice above the crowd's.
The two
were now the center of attention, dancing like crazy to Cher's deep yet oddly
mesmerizing voice. Everyone around them laughed and smiled with excitement at
the two as they showed their best moves. Everyone, that is, except for one
Billy Scully.
Billy
penetrated little laser beam lights from his eyes as he stared evilly at the
two. Who was this woman? Where had she come from? Who gave her the right to
dance with the Prince? Something had to be done.
Towards the
end of the song, Billy walked up between them and looked at the woman in the
eye. "Excuse me, ma'am. May I cut in?"
"NO,"
they both answered in unison. Prince Fox promptly kicked the little twit in the
buttocks. Outraged, Billy stamped his foot down and tried unsuccessfully to
kick Prince Fox back. He missed him completely, and ended up kicking Dana in
the shin, sending her delicate glass slipper flying in the air. Fortunately, it
landed in a soft pile of leaves (Note: how a pile of leaves got into the Royal
Palace in still up for debate) and was untouched. Dana was just about to run
over and get it, when the clock struck twelve.
In horror,
Dana kissed Prince Fox in the cheek and hurried off, disappearing into the
night.
"Oh
brother," Fox murmured.
The
Next Morning
Route
66
In a Carriage
Across town
8 AM Sharp
"Don't
worry, my son," King Spender said, stroking his beautiful son's hair.
"We'll find her."
"No we
won't!" came the angry muffled reply from the Prince, who's face was
buried in a pillow. "We'll never, ever, ever find her. And then I won't
get to get married. And then you will die and I won't have a wife! And then I
won't be able to take the throooooooooooooooooooooone!" he screeched.
King
Spender sighed. "We have one more chance, Fox. One more house. Two
daughters live there- maybe one of them is your Mystery Woman."
"Yeah
right," he replied crossly, looking out the window. "She's gone
forever. For ever and ever."
Citizen
Marge's house
8:15 AM
"Missy,"
Marge called. "Will you please take the hot water off the stove?"
"Yes
Mother," Missy replied obediently. She promptly turned to her sister in
the chair beside her. "Dana, take the hot water off the stove," she
said primly.
Reluctantly,
Dana rose and walked over the stove. She was about to pick up the kettle when
her mean old brother walked in. He hit her back with his elbow, causing her to
spill hot water all over her hands.
"HA
HA!" Billy cried, laughing hysterically. "Ha, ha look at Dana! Missy,
lookit! Lookit at Dana! She has hot water all over her hands! Aww Dana don't
cry now," he said, laughing. "Big brother will make it better."
With that, Billy poured all the water on the floor in front of Dana's shoes,
causing hot steam to rise and sting all over Dana's body.
Suddenly, a
loud knock was heard at the door. Marge raced over to the door, hoping it was
that cute Fed-Ex man delivering a package she had sent to herself a few days
ago. No such luck. It was the King.
Marge
opened the door with a half-hearted sigh and asked, "What do you
want?"
"I am
King Spender. Oh (CENSORED!), I forgot. I'm not supposed to tell my identity…
Hold on lemme try this again."
Spender and
his entourage of Playboy models and Secret Service men closed the door. A
moment later they knocked again.
"Hi
I'm the King Smokealot. My son, Prince Fox, and I were wondering if we could
see if a shoe left at last night's ball would fit one of your daughters. It's
awfully important," Spender said. Marge nodded and yelled up the stairs
for her two darlings to come scampering down the stairs.
To make a
long story short (and let me tell you- it's LONG), Missy's foot was too big for
the tiny shoe and Bill wouldn't let them put it on him because he had just
painted his toenails that really cute new Bath and Body works Beauty by Nature
blue and didn't want his nail polish to smear.
Prince Fox
was close to tears when his father put his hand on his shoulder and whispered,
"Let's go, Fox." He turned to the door to leave.
Suddenly, a
wild, feminine Tarzan scream was heard and the door was kicked open. In ran
none other than Dana, wearing nothing but a loincloth and a coconut bra. With a
martial arts move not seen since season five's "Kill Switch", she
kicked those Playboy models' lights out!!! They were all on the floor, sprawled
around when Dana took the bewildered, yet slightly excited Prince Fox by the
hand.
"Fox,
it's me," she cried. "I was the one who had the shoe! That's my shoe!
It's me who you love. Let me prove it!"
With
trembling hands, Prince Fox held the shoe and tried to stick it on Dana's foot.
Unfortunately, the story does not stop here, and you have to keep reading. You
see… the damn shoe didn't fit.
"No!!!"
cried Dana. "No! I knew this would happen! Even last night I had to stuff
Kleenexes (Note- I don't own Kleenex so please don't sue) in the toe. It's my
stupid feet! They're too small! I cant' even reach the—"
"Pedals?"
Fox finished quietly. It was at that moment that Fox and Dana looked into each
others eyes and realized they were meant for each other. Heck, they could
finish each other's sentences! If that's not love, I don't know what is.
So anyhoo
Fox and Dana had a splendid wedding at the Palace, and Billy and Missy weren't
invited, but Cheddar and Sicily were bridesmaids. Then they had a lovely
honeymoon (but we won't go into that because this fic is written by a 15 year
old) and had a son named William. I'm not sure what happens after that but as
soon as I go to the Haven and find some spoilers for next season I might be
able to give you an update.
And they
lived happily ever after!
X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
Love and sunflower seeds to Sicily, who is the coolest
junior.. er.. SENIOR I know! Thanks a million
