iKnow This Will Be Hard
The phone rang interrupting our conversation.
"This is important Freddie."
"I know babe, I'm sorry this will only take a second."
Freddie walked over and answered the phone. He turned and faced me. Sitting there and staring into his eyes, I was reminded of how much I loved him. But then, as if a DJ scratched a record, Freddie's face and whole demeanor changed. He gritted his teeth and told the person on the phone that he would discuss this matter later. My mind began to wander with all the possibilities. Was Freddie in trouble? Was he cheating on me? Did he get fired? He placed the phone back on its base slowly and leaned over the end table. He began to shake his head vigorously and let his anger out with a FUCK! Startled I asked,
"What's wrong?"
"I swear Sam", he mumbled.
"You swear what? Tell me you're starting to scare me."
"Oh, it's not you." He said with a sigh.
He walked over to the couch and sat down next to me.
"Do you remember freshman year?"
"Yes, we were living in that co-ed dorm."
"Yeah, but do you remember when we were making out instead of studying the night before the history final? Do you remember who came to my door?"
"Yes, Oh my god. That was your Dad!" I said with a surprise.
"Well, what you don't know is about five years ago we were just starting to develop a relationship. We planned to go sailing and he stood me up and I haven't heard from him since. I just don't understand why or how a father could leave his child, not once, but twice."
The light caught Freddie's eyes and I could see that he was beginning to tear up.
"It's ok Freddie. What happened just now?" I said moving closer to him.
"Well, that was him and he called to ask for money. No hi, no how are you doing. Just, can I borrow some money?"
"I'm so sorry. I, um….. I don't know what to say."
"Sam I know we haven't discussed this, but I don't want kids. Whatever makes my father do what he does may be inside of me and a child doesn't deserve that."
My heart stopped momentarily and I found it extremely hard to breath. All I could think about was, why? Of all the days, why did he call today? Now how was I going to tell Freddie I was pregnant?
The waves rolled in and each one of them brought more questions than answers. I was trying to zone out and clear my head. My PearPod was playing "This Ain't No Surfin' Movie" by Minus The Bear. This song perfectly illustrated me and Freddie's relationship. We lost our love, longed for one another, and then found each other again. The issue I was having was because I wanted to hold on to this rediscovery phase, but I feared that change was on the horizon. There are certain moments in life you need to savor and I feared I had done an inadequate job of that and those moments may have slipped away forever. It had been two days since I found out I was pregnant and two days since I told Carly I would tell Freddie. I went to the beach to buy time and gain perspective, but every time I built up the courage to tell Freddie, I thought of reasons I couldn't just yet. I felt like I was being selfish because I knew this affected him just as much as me. The sun began to set and the temperature dropped. It was symbolic of the amount of time I had left to come clean. We filmed five of the limited run of iCarly episodes in L.A. and the rest were to be filmed in Seattle. Freddie and I were going home to Cupertino for a week before meeting Carly in Seattle. I decided that I would tell him there. I made my way back to my car and left bound for Carly's house. I thought to myself as I drove down Mulholland. It seemed like despite our intentions to take our relationship a bit slow, the universe had not received the memo. It was as if we had not only picked up where we had left off, but the eight years we were apart never occurred. We never had the opportunity to plan each step of our adult life together like a normal couple. However, our lives were moving forward as if we had. It sickened and reassured me at the same time, because whereas our situation was not ideal, the fact that I felt this way made me feel like things would be alright. I pulled up in Carly's driveway and I saw her making her way out the house. I parked and sighed audibly because I knew why she was approaching me. I exited the car and met her halfway.
"Dammit Sam, you still haven't told him." Carly said in an aggravated tone.
"No." I replied. "It just hasn't been the right time."
"Don't start this again. Every time you had something important to tell when we were kids, you always felt the need to procrastinate. Come on you're twenty-eight."
I felt myself becoming agitated by Carly's badgering. I couldn't tell if it was a result of my hormones or if a little of the old Sam was trying climb back out. I took a deep breath and decided to explain what I meant by my statement.
"When I said it was not the right time, I meant that I feel like my relationship with Freddie has been on an extremely accelerated track since we reconnected. Under normal circumstances I would be all about that, but I am already pregnant and I haven't even finished moving all of my stuff from Seattle. So I am scared Carly, I'm fucking scared." I said tearing up a bit.
"I understand that Sam and I'm sorry for attacking you, but Freddie has made plans for us all to go The Palms for drinks so we can celebrate our latest deal. He even got Gibby to come. So, can you see my issue? You can't drink and not drinking in front of them would be suspicious."
"Oh crap, what am I gonna to do?" I said as my face began to flash hot. I thought for several moments as the cool L.A. breeze moved back and forth. I glanced up to see Freddie on the balcony upstairs. I smiled and he motioned for us to enter the house. As we began to walk inside Carly turned to me with her teeth clenched and said.
"You have to tell him."
"Not now." I quipped back.
We were nudging each other all the way up the stairs, grumbling back and forth under our breath. Although the situation was serious, it felt good to act like a teenage girl again if only for a moment. As we approached Freddie, his back was turned and he seemed to be having a stern conversation.
"Well just tell him The Palm at 8:30 ok." He heard us coming and wrapped up his conversation. "8:30, The Palms. Bye." As he hung up he turned to greet us.
"Hey babe." He said as he kissed me. Did you tell her where we are going, Carly?"
"Yes and she is thrilled, to go out and DRINK."
I turned and fake smiled at her before saying.
"You know it. I heard Gibby is coming, is he running late or something?"
"No." He said with a puzzled tone. "Gibby should be here any minute. Why would you think that?"
"Just a moment ago you told that person on the phone the plans as if they weren't going to make it."
As Freddie was opening his mouth to respond, Carly's doorbell rang and we headed downstairs to greet the new guest. We all expected Gibby, but it was the chauffeur Freddie hired to drive us this evening in case we drank too much. Another thirty minutes elapsed before Gibby showed up and we all piled into the limousine and left bound for the restaurant. The majority of the conversation on the way was small talk which gave way to all of us catching up. It was good to know that Gibby was still weird. It felt like high school again and it pushed my major announcement to the back of my mind.
We arrived at the restaurant and got out of the limo. Carly seemed rather anxious to get into the restaurant and she coaxed Gibby to hurry as well. Freddie on the other hand was more patient and walked slower while holding my hand. By the time we entered the restaurant, Carly and Gibby were nowhere in sight. I thought to myself how odd that was, but soon forgot about it. The waiter showed Freddie and me to the banquet room at the rear of the restaurant. The doors were opened and time slowed down. I saw Spencer, my mother, Melanie, Freddie's mother, Carly's boyfriend and several other people we all knew. I turned and looked at Freddie, who was staring intently at me.
"Sam." He started. "Most people that have known us since we were children would have never thought that you and I would become a couple."
"I did." Spencer said which was met by a few chuckles. Carly punched him in the shoulder and he shrugged his shoulders and mouthed "what?" before he bowed his head slightly.
Freddie continued.
"I've often been told that good things come to those who wait and I can testify to that maxim. The past eight years, I have been lost without you. The sun didn't shine as bright, fire didn't burn as hot and sugar didn't taste as sweet. But now you are back in my life and frankly, I don't want to wake up another day without you by my side."
He kneeled down on his knee and I began to cry. He reached in his jacket pocket and retrieved a box. He opened the box revealing a beautiful ring.
"Samantha Puckett, the woman I love and adore more than my next breath, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
It really is funny how moments like these can make your life better and more complicated at the same time. In that moment, I thought back to that rainy night in Seattle when we told each other how we felt. I thought about all the times I hurt him and all the reasons why he shouldn't love me. With each tear that rolled down my cheek, I began to appreciate the odyssey like nature of our relationship more. I would tell Freddie about me being pregnant, but surely now was not the time.
"Yes!" I shouted. "God yes Freddie!"
He slid the ring on my finger and we embraced tightly and kissed as everyone cheered. Shortly after receiving congratulations from everybody in the room, most memorably from my mother, who said:
"You done good Sam. I told you that Benson boy was shaping up to be mighty fine. I bet you two have some great sex."
"Mom! What the hell!"
"I'm just saying if you need any tips don't be afraid to call me."
"Oh my God, you are unbelievable." I said while I gave her a hug.
We sat down to eat and we conversed with everyone near us. The night wore on and Gibby proposed a toast. Carly's eyes got really big. As the champagne was being poured, I could see the wheels in her mind turning on how she was going to get me out of this situation. Gibby started his toast.
"People think I'm weird for some reason. So what I won the lottery and then used half of the money to open my own gentlemen's club in Barstow. Hey, stripping is honest work."
Everybody shook their head simultaneously. He continued.
"So what I turned over control of the establishment to a hobo under the condition that he let me stay on as the bouncer. That is a solid business model. So what I like go to work without a shirt sometimes."
"GIBBY!" Everybody yelled.
"Ok, the point is that no matter where my friends go and no matter what life throws their way; I will be there, because they have always been there for me whenever I needed them. To Sam and Freddie."
Everybody lifted their glass to toast and Carly accidently knocked my glass out of my hand.
"I am so sorry Sam." She said trying to clean up the spill.
"It's ok." I said relieved.
"You can't toast without a drink." Gibby said.
"Oh, its fine." I said reaching for my water glass.
"You can't toast with water. It's bad luck." Freddie said.
"Can you please get this beautiful bride to be another glass of champagne?" Gibby said attempting to get the wait staff's attention.
"You know what? I don't need to drink anyway. I'm the designated driver." I said to the waiter.
"We came in a limo Sam." Gibby said confused.
"Thank you Gibby." I said with frustration. "I will just take an iced tea. I'm just getting over an illness."
"Sweet." Gibby said in a creepy tone.
Carly and I looked at each other relieved. The remainder of the night went off without a hitch and we returned to her house. We were scheduled to leave that next day and as every minute ticked by, I knew I was another minute closer to confessing.
The next morning arrived and we prepared to leave. Carly pulled me aside to talk.
"Congratulations."
"Thanks.", I said.
"You need to tell him. The longer you wait the worse it will be"
"I know. I already told him we needed to talk when we get home."
"That's good. If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate."
"I won't. See ya in a week. Love ya kid"
"Likewise." Carly said as she hugged me and returned to the house.
We arrived at our home without incident. The flight was uneventful save for a bit of turbulence. We were both tired and agreed to take a nap before having our talk. While I slept I had three dreams. The first was more of a memory of all of all the mistakes I had made as a kid. I was an adult and I could see myself getting into trouble and was yelling for the teenage me to stop, but I couldn't hear myself. At the end the teenage me turned and looked at me and smiled as if she knew I was her future. The second dream was me in a long white gown walking down a long hallway. The hallway had many doors and a bright light at the end. Every time I approached a door, it would open and someone I knew would stand in the doorway and say "Hi Sam". As I passed each door, the person would walk out and follow me down the hallway. The last two people to come out of the final two doorways were Carly and Freddie. They proceeded to follow me to the light. The third dream was similar to the first. Only this time I saw a middle-aged me interacting with a teenager that looked like me. The older me looked at the teenager with such pride and they talked like me and my mother never did. Their conversation came to an end and they parted ways. The teenager said "Thanks mom" and turned to walk away. The older version of me called the teenager's name, but I couldn't make it out. After that, I awoke feeling overwhelmed. Freddie was still asleep. As I laid there next to him for the first time, I wasn't afraid to tell him.
Another hour had passed and Freddie was awake. We went into the living room to have our conversation.
"Ok there is much we need to discuss. But above everything else we have to discuss something very important." I said as gathered my courage.
"Alright, that's fine Sam. What do you need to discuss with me?"
Just as I was about to utter those two words the phone rang.
I knew that Freddie's relationship with his father was strained; however I never thought for a second that he wouldn't be a great dad. I also never thought he carried so much guilt around with him. His mother did a great job raising him, but apparently it wasn't enough to fully override the animosity he felt towards his father. For so long I thought I was the only one who had insecurities in my adult life because of my parents, but I was wrong. It was proof that even someone with his resolve had moments when they would opt to run rather than fight. I knew I had to tell him right now, for better or worse. We weren't our parents and we would not make the same mistakes they did.
"I just can't do that to a child of mine. I won't do it." He said definitively.
I paused and tried get control of my out of control thoughts.
"But Freddie, you are not him. You can't hold yourself responsible for his mistakes. You would rather die than abandon your child."
"Yes but I wonder if I would be compelled by nature to do the same."
I slowly stood up and walked over to Freddie and hugged him from behind. I could see he was hurting and I wanted more than anything to reassure him that everything would be alright. I was thinking of ways to do this in light of what I was about to tell him.
"Freddie." I said in a disarming tone.
"Yes, Sam."
"If you were to ever leave me I would hunt you down and break both of your arms."
"Whoa, I haven't heard that Sam in a while. Where did that come from?"
"Just listen to me. You would make a great father. You are going to be a great father."
"You see Sam I don't know….." He said interrupting.
"No Freddie. You ARE going to be a great father."
After my last word, it was silent for a few moments as the situation began to dawn of Freddie. He gently snapped his head around to face me and in a jittery voice he asked aloud.
"Sam are you, are you pregnant?"
I nodded yes. Afterwards I expected a lot of generic questions like: how, when, what, why. But he said nothing and his shocked face gave way to jubilation. He smiled and laughed and even cried a little bit.
"I love you Sam." He said as he slowly went down to his knees.
He slid my shirt up revealing my stomach, which was not yet showing, and proceeded to kiss it. Speaking directly to my bare stomach he said.
"I love you and your mother so much. I will do anything for both of you."
I could no longer resist crying and my emotions began to flow. We stood there and time stood still. I could feel his warm head softly resting against my stomach. I knew this was one of those moments in life that you bookmark, because its moments like these that make life worth living. The material things we tend place great importance on, pale in comparison to a moment like this. I knew this would be hard, but it was worth it. I loved him and my baby and he loved us. We were in this together.