Um, hey.
I don't own Degrassi.
He had killed me.
I believed him everything he told me over those three years without questioning them - Why? Because it's us - His words exactly.
Those three years feel like another life. Surreal and foreign, almost.
I could go on with some clichee sayings, like how we went trough so much together - his hoarding, him battling with his bipolar disorder and Julia's death. He would sit there, nuzzle his head on my shoulder and cry. And I would let him. Not saying anything, because I knew that nothing would make this right. I would just close my eyes and hug him tightly to let him know that I was there - that he wasn't alone by all means.
How he had told me over and over again that he cared about my feelings more than his own, because he was in love with me and how I was his soulmate, lulling me into believing that... bullshit like lulling a baby to sleep.
And finally, me getting cancer and him dropping everything behind to help me, his claimed soulmate, to get through this only to sleep with some other girl afterwards. Leaving his soulmate feeling all neglected and worthless.
I gave him my all. Trusted him with my life. He pulled the trigger and shot me.
He had killed me.
Eli stood there - in front of Degrassi - waiting for me, I suposse? Hands burried in his pockets, looking to the ground.
I guess, he didn't quite understood that when I told him to 'get out' the other day I didn't just mean to get out my house but rather 'get out' as in, get out of my life, please.
I tried to walk past him, like walking past a complete stranger. Because that's exactly what he was to me. A complete stranger - this wasn't the Eli I fell in love with, no. Plus, he knew that his actions would most certainly push me out of his life, while undressing himself and planting kisses on that girl and in that moment he could live with the thought of losing me - it didn't stop him. So he should be able to move on now.
It was getting more difficult, as I came closer and closer.
"Clare," He spoke so soft, yet pained. "Please, Clare. Hear me out... please." The last part was a weak whisper and it chocked me. He had blocked my path but he couldn't even look me in the eyes. I nodded to myself, as I turned my head away and tried to hold back tears. So this is what it had come to...
"But I don't want to hear you out." I stated plainly, not showing how much effort I was putting into not crying in front of him. God, I was done putting effort into things for his sake.
His eyes were glassy and I could tell that he was struggling not to cry just as much as I did. Eli sighed, which was followed by a shaky breath he took.
Why was I still standing here, looking at him and trying to make sense of the way he moved and his facial expressions?
"Look, I... I can't lose you," At this point he had finally gathered enough courage to look me in the eyes. His pupils had widened as he stared intently into mine. "I deserve to get yelled at, shouted at, cursed at with every thinkable insult from you... I- I, hell I deserve worse..." He licked his lips, a tear escaping his eye and his voice shaking. "Losing you." He said.
I tried my hardest not to cry or burst into sobs. He had already lost me back in NYU and made up his mind on his own.
I shook my head. "Goodbye, Eli." I chocked out and tried to make my way past him once more but he gently held me back by taking my wrist. I, however pulled it out of his grip. "You don't get to do that." I mumbled.
He nodded merely, before saying, "Clare, I can't lose you," I breathed out a bitter chuckle at this. He sounded like a broken record and I was sick of hearing him canting. Nevertheless I could see that he was struggling to get his words out and his point across.
"Blaming it on the fact that that I missed you and it was... just all to much to cope with doesn't make anything better, I know. And yes, I might sound like a whiney idiot right now but just... believe me when I say that I'm sorry that I let you down and I'm sorry for my poor excuses, I -" He drove a hand through his messy hair.
"I don't deserve you, Clare. I really don't. And believe me when I say that I've made the biggest mistake and the guilt eats me up alive! I'm losing sleep, it haunts me down and I deserve it." He took a deep breath, never leaving my eyes. "And if it makes you feel any better - I'll stay my whole life miserable and I will never get over you or the fact that I hurt you but you won't need me, Clare. I will."
And I wish it wasn't so but this was the part where he was most wrong - I would always need him.
The realisation of this broke my heart all over again and I felt the tears roll down my cheeks now. "Believe me when I say, we're done. For good." I told him through my tears, adepting his words and pushing past him.