I have spent the majority of my time, I realize, trying to distance myself. The out of body feeling, like I am floating high above myself, unable to connect fully, is a coping mechanism. Being alive, in a sense, yet full of turmoil, self hate and pity. My right arm is gone, torn, ripped apart from my body—by him, I still see his face as he loomed over me, the personification of all my evil, the ego, the anger, everything I had tried to hide before it possessed me completely. The entity that turned other Green Lanterns into something deadly, warped and cruel.
His breath comes in waves, cold, and I am shivering huddled within myself. There is no escape from the wild eyes and wide mouth, the cruel grin and sharp teeth clacking and slavering. He lunges and bites, clamping down upon my leg before he begins to chew, crunching through bone and flesh, exposing my insides, I am screaming and catch a glimpse of him, crouched and gobbling the meat of my leg.
I am in a twitching unconsciousness, crawling through rubble, as I stumble forward, I did not save Guy in time.
A sense of isolation, I am happy, no one left to argue, but I stare at the sky, dark and cold, and I am lonely and I would have gladly, fully died a thousand times over for them, please kill me please. I beg. I beg over and over. It is no good, I am awake, and still screaming myself hoarse.
The chair my brother places me in, months, Milagro Reyes, months..I feel helpless, unable to do more than wiggle with the casts as I attempt to push myself around with one arm (missing an index finger, yet mostly intact) I sob and take what madness I have left out on Jaime.
He accepts it all, as I try to punch at him, hating the way I still breathe, how I am so alive. My blood rushing through veins and the fingers I can just barely clutch into a fist, I flex the stump, feeling the ghost of my limb, I push myself out of the bed where he laid me down, and squirm and inch my way forward, intent to make it to the chair, I miscalculate and fall, face first on the floor of the cave, it hurts, my nose on impact made a crunching noise, warm blood is slowly dripping down, and all sense of myself is gone again.
I am still a ghost and I crawl, desperate to reach something, the ring, that is all I need, my hand grips at it, after the arduous journey to it. I fumble with it and make a shaky construct of a knife as I begin to bring it to my neck, planning to slide it across the soft flesh there, before it is plucked from my hand, entirely easily by the glaring form of Blue Beetle.
He seems far older than he ever did, as the armor slides back, unshaven with deep bags underneath his eyes, he looks so weary. Jaime hoists me into his arms with little effort, I realize he is making an effort not to cry, and I feel embarrassed, turning my head, from the tears of an adult.
He is removing all sharp objects, asking that I take a few sleeping pills, and I am unsure how to respond, I am ashamed myself, that all the guilt and pain I have felt has destroyed everything around me, and that it continues to.