Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters.
Warnings: This story contains the ItaDei pairing (but no lemons) and limited manga spoilers.
A Harmless Little Wager
"Why do I have to be stuck with that moron Tobi, yeah?"
"Because your previous partner is dead," Itachi answered reasonably.
"I know that! But why can't Pain-sama give me a new partner who's worth something? Sasori-danna was strong, and at least he tried to be an artist, even if his ideas about it were all wrong! Tobi's just an idiot!"
"Then the two of you should get along quite well."
"Hey!" Deidara whirled around to face Itachi and shook a finger at him. "Don't you act like you're better than me, yeah! Don't you dare!"
Itachi raised an eyebrow. "'Don't you dare'? Deidara-san, how old are you?"
"Nineteen, yeah."
"Then why are you acting like you're twelve?"
"Maybe because that's the way everyone here treats me! 'Oh, look at Deidara, blowing shit up again!' No one takes me seriously. Why would Pain-sama foist off such a useless partner on me unless he never expected me to amount to anything anyway? He probably figured it would be best to put the two incompetent people together so no one else would be burdened with them, yeah."
"Deidara-san, that isn't why--"
"And you're the worst of all! Always looking down on me with those stupid eyes of yours!"
Itachi opened his mouth to point out that despite being two years older than Deidara, he was actually shorter, and thus couldn't look down on him, but thought better of it.
"Well, let me tell you something, yeah!" Deidara continued yelling as though Itachi had actually said something. "You're not better than me! Your fancy Sharingan doesn't mean anything against my art! I could beat you in a fight anytime I wanted!"
Itachi felt something inside himself flinch, and wondered if this was what wounded pride felt like. "Is that so? Perhaps my memory is faulty, then. I distinctly recall defeating you easily the one time we fought."
"That was years ago! I was fourteen! I hadn't reached the full height of my artistic capacity, yeah."
The familiar phrase stirred something in Itachi's memory. Deidara-san, sometimes reaching your full potential can be more of a curse than a blessing. "But I have been getting stronger in the years since then, too, Deidara-san. If we have been improving at the same rate, logic dictates that I will still be stronger than you."
"Why don't you prove it then? We'll fight, and if I win, you have to admit in front of all the other Akatsuki that I'm a better ninja than you!"
Itachi considered. "Very well. But it's only fair that I should also get something, if I win."
Deidara's eyes shone with confidence. "Name it, yeah."
Itachi considered some more, eyes roving over Deidara's corn-silk hair, his pale skin, and his full lips. "If I win," he finally said, "you will be my uke for a night."
Deidara's reaction to this statement was predictable: he exploded (not literally, of course). "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?"
A door further down the hallway was yanked open, and Hidan stuck his head out. "Damn, Dei-chan, could you be any louder? Jashin-sama himself, up in Heaven, can probably hear you yelling your head off."
Itachi raised an eyebrow. "If Jashin-sama is a deity, shouldn't he be able to hear everything anyway, regardless of how loudly or quietly it is said?"
"Oh fuck off, Uchiha," Hidan retorted, and slammed the door.
"You want me to do what?" Deidara repeated, this time in a harsh whisper.
Unlike Deidara, Itachi kept his voice at a perfectly normal volume level. "I want you to be my uke for a night. An uke is the person who usually takes a more submissive role in--"
"I know what the word means, yeah! But that's--you--" Deidara seemed to be at a loss for words.
"I fail to see anything wrong with it. We are both adults, and neither of us has a romantic attachment to anyone else. But of course, I understand if you don't feel confident of your ability to win. You are perfectly free to withdraw your offer of a rematch."
"No way, yeah! I don't care what you set as a condition! It doesn't matter, because you won't win! I'll accept your terms, and I'll beat you into the ground, yeah!"
The door banged open again. "Would you two quit it already! I'm trying to sacrifice some random hunter-nin to Jashin-sama here, and it isn't helping to have you guys going at it right outside the door!"
"We aren't going at it, yeah," Deidara said huffily.
Itachi let the corners of his lips quirk upwards the tiniest bit. "Yet."
It was a rare sunny day in Amegakure, a day when the inhabitants of the village took advantage of the unusual weather to enjoy themselves outside. At the time they had agreed on, Itachi exited the tower and crossed a small bridge to a flat, open plaza that lay between four of the tallest towers in Ame. It was a plain, unornamented space, intended as an outdoor training or sparring ground for the Akatsuki members. A narrow bridge led from each side to the nearest tower, and the plaza itself was suspended about five feet above the water.
Amegakure was a city built over a small inland sea. Canals wound betweeen the buildings, with bridges crossing above. Most of the buildings had their foundations in the seabed, so there were typically at least five floors of any given tower that were submerged underwater. The most secret places in Rain--the ANBU headquarters, for example, or the room in Akatsuki's tower where Pain's real body resided--were even deeper, in sub-basement levels dug into the seabed itself.
As he crossed the bridge to the sparring ground, Itachi glanced down into the depths. Fish swam placidly by, and he thought he saw the silhouette of a shark farther down. The sea itself was Ame's best defense against invaders--many Rain shinobi had aquatic summons, so any unauthorized persons who tried to sneak in were likely to be eaten by sharks, orca whales, or giant squids.
Itachi was unsurprised to see Deidara already waiting for him at the opposite side of the plaza. Like Itachi, he was clad in his standard Akatsuki uniform, with a pouch full of clay resting on each hip. Since he would have a full supply of clay, he had "graciously" agreed to let Itachi bring with him any weapons that he wished to use. In addition to his usual kunai and shuriken, Itachi also had some exploding notes, ninja wire, and senbon. He had briefly considered bringing a sword, but he hadn't used his old ninja-to since the night of the massacre, and didn't feel that the little it could add to his repertoire would be worth the extra weight.
"Are you ready to lose, yeah?" Deidara called out mockingly.
Itachi allowed himself a small smirk. "That depends, Deidara-san. Are you ready to spend the night in my bed?"
"Why you--" Deidara didn't waste any time pulling out a lump of clay and generating a large bird. He hopped onto it and flapped into the air. "Let's see you beat me now, yeah!" He dug his hands into the clay pouches once again and flung a pair of four-winged cranes at Itachi.
Calmly, Itachi hurled a couple of senbon at the cranes, causing them to drop harmlessly into the water that surrounded the platform.
"Try these, then!" Deidara shouted, and tossed another pair of cranes. As they soared across the space between the two combatants, each one divided into two cranes with the normal two wings. Of each pair, one flew on a beeline towards Itachi while the other curved around to attack him from the side.
Quickly, Itachi formed the seals for a fire-element ninjutsu. "Mythical Fire Flower!" Small puffs of fire burst from his lips, and he turned quickly in an arc to incinerate each of the cranes.
Deidara growled, and threw yet another set of projectiles. These were different in shape, however: instead of cranes, they resembled the rounder, more compact form of a sparrow or finch. Itachi sent flames at them--only to see them gracefully curve around the blasts and continue speeding towards him.
A model that's capable of changing its trajectory in mid-flight? Interesting. Itachi jumped off the plaza, flipped over, and dove into the surrounding water. Deidara's voice, distorted by the water, came through to him: "Are you running away already, yeah?"
Itachi swam under the plaza, aiming to get behind Deidara's position. Most of the sea life paid him no attention, but a porpoise rose up from below to hover in front of him. He saw right away that it was a ninja's summon, not a natural animal. It tilted its head inquisitively, trying to figure out whether he required assistance. He waved his hands in a shooing gesture, and the porpoise gracefully turned and departed.
Itachi came out from under the platform on the other side, and kicked for the surface. He grabbed a few more senbon and, being careful not to prick his fingers, formed the seals for the Water Drills jutsu. As he broke the water's surface, spinning vortices of water burst forth as well, slamming squarely into the bird that Deidara was riding. At the same time, Itachi threw the senbon. Because Deidara hadn't been expecting an attack from below, he wasn't able to guide the clay birds out of the senbons' path, and they struck their targets.
The Water Drills destroyed Deidara's vehicle, and he fell back towards the platform, cursing like Hidan all the way. Meanwhile, Itachi summoned one final water vortex directly beneath himself, propelling him up into the air so that he was now above Deidara. A great deal of water had landed on the plaza from the Water Drills, and Itachi made the seals to congeal it into a Water Prison around Deidara.
Itachi curved the vortex he was standing on downward, and stepped off onto the platform. Deidara gazed at him furiously through the watery sphere encasing him. "Do you admit defeat, Deidara-san?" Itachi asked.
To be honest, I didn't expect him to agree to my terms for the fight. But he did, and now that I've won...
Itachi looked Deidara over. His hair had come loose from its ponytail, and his cloak had fallen off as he fell. His shirt was soaking wet, and clung alluringly to his upper body. Itachi sauntered closer, entertaining thoughts of what he'd like to do--what he would do when night fell--with that body, that hair, those lips, and those hand-mouths...
Itachi realized that Deidara was grinning widely. That seems like an odd reaction for someone who's just lost. Then he saw the small centipedes crawling around the inner border of the Water Prison. Deidara raised his arms to shield his head as the insects exploded, breaking the Water Prison apart. Simultaneously, there was a splash from behind Itachi, and several flying fish leapt from the water. One of the aerial bombardments was a distraction so that he could put explosive clay in the water as well? Whoever summoned that porpoise really needs to choose a more observant individual next time. Itachi flung kunai at the fish, preventing them from exploding near him, but unfortunately this left him open to an attack from Deidara himself. His fellow Akatsuki member lunged forward, punching Itachi in the face and tackling him to the ground.
Deidara straddled Itachi's chest, one knee on each of Itachi's shoulders so that he couldn't fight back or form seals. He drew a kunai of his own and placed it against Itachi's throat. "Didn't your sensei back in Konoha ever teach you not to let yourself be distracted in battle?" He smirked at Itachi and threw his earlier words back at him: "Do you admit defeat, Itachi-san?"
"Not in the least," Itachi replied, and activated his Sharingan.
Deidara snorted. "As if a cheap trick like that would work on me now," he scoffed, and collapsed into a pile of clay. Itachi struggled to get out from underneath it, only to have another kunai pressed against his throat from behind. "If you turn your head to look at me, I'll cut your throat, yeah." He asked again, "Do you admit defeat, Itachi-san?"
Itachi considered all his options for escape or counterattack, and found none to be viable. "...Yes," he answered reluctantly.
"And you know what that means, right? The next time the Akatsuki gather, you have to tell them all that I'm a better ninja than you."
"Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san will be setting out to capture the Nibi tomorrow, but Zetsu-san will probably bring it back, and most of us will participate in the sealing ritual remotely. I believe the next meeting of all the members isn't for about a month."
"I can wait," Deidara assured him. "As long as you keep up your part of the bargain in the end."
One Month Later
After a surprisingly short interval of aimless wandering, Itachi found himself standing in an airy, open courtyard. Sure enough, all the people he was looking for were there. He hadn't been in this place for very long, but he had already learned that if you went looking for something, you would quickly be led right to it. Sometimes you would be led to things that you hadn't even consciously realized you wanted.
Sasori sat on a bench, engrossed in fixing a puppet with a broken joint. Kakuzu was steadily counting a pile of money. Deidara was sculpting a rather magnificent-looking eagle. And Nagato was playing cards with a man who looked remarkably like Pain's God Realm body, but without the multitude of piercings. Itachi cleared his throat, and they all looked up from what they were doing.
"What are you doing here?" Sasori asked him. "Shouldn't you be with your family?"
"I have an obligation to fulfill first," Itachi responded. "More specifically, I have an announcement to make."
"Oh?" Kakuzu sounded curious despite himself.
"I would simply like you all to know that Deidara-san is a far superior ninja to myself," Itachi said in his usual bland tone, then turned on his heel and walked out.
Nagato blinked. "What was that about?"
Deidara beamed. "I'll say this for the Uchiha: at least he doesn't back out of a wager once he's made it. He's an honorable guy like that, yeah."
A/N: I may have compressed the timeline a little here, having everything from Hidan and Kakuzu vs the Nibi happening in the space of a month, but I couldn't resist giving Hidan a cameo appearance.
The scene with Itachi rising out of the sea on top of a water vortex was incredibly badass in my imagination--hopefully it came out that way in the finished story as well.
Hope you enjoyed it!