Okay, I decided that I needed to make a funny fanfic, so here it goes. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you review to give me more jokes. Thanks!

Some real life events involved…Actually, a lot of real life events are involved…

Shout outs! Thea, mai luvah from anotha motha. You complete me. Sorry to disappoint you with the whole Gilbert, art thingy, but I hope you enjoy it. Ali. Well, yeah, I don't really know what to say. I mean, you stole that fucking book when me or Thea could have had it. But I still love you! 3

I don't own Twilight. Though I wish I did.

BxE all human.

BPOV

I stuck the key in the lock, and turned it. The house was pitch black, so I turned on the light as I made my way to the kitchen. I dug through the fridge until I found a Coke. As I cracked it open I saw a movement in the living room. I stood up a little straighter to see who it was. Then I saw the curly brown hair.

"Oh, hey Dad, I didn't realize you were home." I saw him pick up a beer can, take a sip, and put it back down. I waited for him to respond. "I've been leaving messages on your phone." I scratched the back of my head "Yeah, I sort of dropped my phone." He stood up and walked over to the fridge to get another beer. "Well, Bella. What did I tell you about taking care of your stuff?" He turned around and cracked the beer open, taking a sip as I responded. "You know what, you're right. First my tricycle out in the yard, now this - I see a pattern developing here." I laughed to myself before going up to my room.

I pushed the on button, and took a deep breath as the computer buzzed to life. "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" I jumped as as my computer informed of the spam I got from stupid dating sights. I didn't even sign up for Eharrmony, how did they get my email? "Ugh! I'm already in a relationship!" I practically yelled as I deleted the messages.

"Oh really? Is this someone I should know about?" his deep, velvety voice made me jump. "Jesus!" What is it with things surprising me today? He laughed "No, I'm not Jesus. Very close, though." He laughed some more. I overdramatically rolled my eyes but got up and kissed his cheek."Oh, is that all I'm getting these days?" he asked jokingly. I couldn't help the grin on my face.

Alice came bursting through my door screaming "GIVE IT BACK!" Edward looked at her, an amused smile playing at his lips. "Dare I ask, 'give what back?'" I laughed. "I took away her credit card after she called Mike and told him I thought he was hot and sexy." Edward started cracking up, and I eventually laughed along with him.

Alice grunted and ran towards me. I put my hand on her forhead and kept her at an arm's distance while she tried to ram herself forward. I laughed some more. "Give it back!" She screeched. I thought about that. "Hmmm. No." She sighed and stopped running.

"You're lucky I'm even asking you, Bella. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it from you, and clean up any evidence of a struggle before you and your little friend here knew what hit you." She looked at Edward when she said 'your little friend' I looked to Edward and back to Alice. "I'm pretty sure that in some states that's called child abuse." Edward chuckled "I think all of them."

He and I laughed while Alice once again attempteded to grab her credit card. I rolled my eyes a held it up in the air so she couldn't grab it. I grabbed her by the shoulder and yanked her so she was facing me. "Okay, Alice, I'll make you a deal. You call Mike and say that I don't like him, but you do, and I'll give you the credit card back. If you don't want to take part in this offer, then I'll just have to steal more things from you, starting with Fred." I giggled as her eyes widened with what I could only assume to be shock and horror.

Edward looked back and forth between the two of us, confused. "Who the hell is Fred?" Alice turned to him, and she looked almost offennded. "Who. Is. Fred? WHO. IS. FRED?!" I could see Edward trying to stifle a snicker as Alice explpained who Fred was. "He's my baby!" I saw Edward's bewildered expression; he was probably wondering about Alice's "baby" She saw his face too, so she explained more. "He's my yellow Porsche that I've had for two years. I love Fred with all of my heart, and your girlfriend here just threatened to steal him!" Edward snorted and high-fived me. Alice looked just about ready to rip all of her hair out.

"FINE!" she yelled. "I'll take your stupid offer, but if Mike Newton starts writing me love songs, I'm telling him what an ugly, pig-nosed creep he is!" I laughed so hard I had to hold my stomach. It became hard to breathe, and I clutched onto Edward for balance. Deep breaths, Bella. Finally, my brathing calmed.

I stuck out my hand and said "Deal." She smiled and skipped out of the room only to stop mid-skip, turn around, and yank her credit card out of my hand. "Thanks!" she gave me her best false, peppy smile, and went back to her room. I released Edward and went to sit on my bed. Edward remained standing by the door. "You know you can sit down, right?" I said as more of a statement than a question. He looked a little embarrassed as he nodded. "Sorry. I was trying to decipher what just happened," he said taking a seat on my chaise. I quietly tittered to myself. "Just forget about it. Alice and I are always like that. We're just messing around." He grinned as he stood up. He stretched his arms high above his head. His shirt rose up enough for me to get a glimpse of his "happy trail." I blushed, and then wanted to mentally slap myself for it. I had seen him completely shirtless for Christ sakes!

He sent me a crooked smile, and I couldn't help but feel giddy. "I'm bored," he clearly stated. I looked up at him. "Well, what do you wanna do?" He pursed his lips in deep thought. His head snapped up in my direction, and he got a small smile on his lips. "Let's go meet Rose, Em, and Jazz, and raise some hell." I laughed. "Only if I can bring Alice along. You know how she feels about Jasper." He grinned at the recollection of the first time my sister met Jasper Hale. She looked like a kid in a candy store. Edward told me that Jazz felt the same way about Alice, but neither of them had the balls to ask the other out. I grinned too.

Edward nodded, so I went to get Alice. Her door was open, but I knocked on the frame. She never liked people just coming into her room. Of course, it was perfectly fine when she did it… She looked up from the magazine she was reading, and nodded. I took it that she was granting me entrance into her room. I walked over and sat down next to her on her bed. "Hey." She smiled. "Hi!" her voice was so cute. It took a while, but I remembered why I had come in here in the first place. "So, um, me and Edward are gonna go out and meet Em, Rose, and Jazz-"as expected, when I said Jazz's name, her eyes lit up- "and we're gonna go hang out. You wanna come?" I already knew her response, so this was just my way of confirming it. She squealed. "Of course! Oh, what should I wear? I'll be ready in 10 minutes, I promise." I laughed and shook my head. "Okay, but I'm only giving you 10 minutes. That's it." With that, I walked back into my own room.

When I entered, Edward was just getting off the phone. "Emmett said that they'll meet us at the 7-Eleven on the corner." I nodded, and then realized that I needed to get dressed. I hadn't changed since work this afternoon. I opened my drawer, and pulled out the first thing I saw. It was a black turtle neck with long sleeves. It was a little short, so I wore a cami underneath. I pulled on some black jeans, and slipped on my flip-flops.

Edward quirked an eyebrow when he saw my outfit. "You look ridiculous," he said, looking over my clothes again and again. "Really? It's not like I'm wearing a giant moose costume." He laughed as he rummaged through my drawers. "Perfect!" he said, pulling out a sheer top with only two purple butterflies to cover the nipples, and a pair of purple leggings to match. Last but not least, he grabbed my only pair of heels, and handed the "outfit" – if you could call it that – to me. I gaped at him. "What the fuck? I'd say that's pretty ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones in a Bond movie, but still." He threw his head back and his loud guffaw filled the room. I rolled my eyes, but decided that I probably should pick a different outfit.

I settled with a light pink, v-neck long-sleeve, and a pair of light wash skinny jeans. I put on my jacket with the light and dark gray stripes, and to top it all off, pink flats a shade darker than the top. I straightened my hair, giving it a little flip at the bottom. Comfort was my main goal with this outfit, and I think I achieved it.

Edward aproved – probably because of the v-neck – so I went to get Alice.

Sure enough, she was ready like I told her to be. She looked very…promiscuous in her outfit. I couldn't help but laugh. She was wearing tight, tight, tight, red leather low-rise jeans, and a black v-neck short sleeve top. Her neck line went a little bit lower than mine did, and I could tell she was wearing a push-up bra. Her hair was straighted, and spiked up in a way that made it look like she just rolled out of bed. I had to commend her. When she goes for a look, she doesn't stop at any cost. It's full-throtle all the way, for her. She grinned, and the two of us walked out to the living room flipping the lights off as we passed them. Charlie was asleep already, because he was going fishing the next day.

We took Edward's car to the 7-Eleven, where Rose, Emmett, and Jazz were already waiting. Emmett's car was blasting some sort of rap. I'm pretty sure it was Jay-Z, but you never know with Emmett. He likes everything, the big teddy bear. I ran up to my best friend, Rosalie, first, and hugged her. She smiled and hugged me back. We had been friends since the day we were born.

I hugged Rose's boyfriend, Emmett , next. He squeezed me a little too tight, and I was getting suffocated, so I coughed out "Okay, Emmett. LET. ME. GO." He chuckled, and said "Hey, Bella. Sorry 'bout that" I smiled. "It's okay, Emmett" I could never say no to Emmett, he reminded me to much of a stuffed animal. I heard Jasper laugh, so I went and hugged him too. "Hey Jazz!" He huggd me back less restricted than Emmett had. "Hey, Bells. How are ya?" I couldn't help but smile. Jasper had that affect on everyone he met. "I'm pretty good. How are you?" He just shrugged.

We all stood there quietly talking to eachother. When I looked back to Emmett, I saw that he had a scratch going from his right eye, down to his jaw bone. "Shit, Emmett! What the hell happened to your face?!" He blushed and looked to Rose. She just looked the other way. He turned back to me and sighed. "Rose beat me up." I stared at him before nearly falling over with laughter. I could hear Jasper snort next to me. "I hardly doubt there's a woman who could do that." Rose looked just about ready to punch him. Edward shrugged. "Bea Arthur?" Jasper nodded. "I stand corrected." We all cracked up.

I decided that as a bunch of teenagers, standing in the middle of a 7-Elevn parking lot was not the best idea, so we took Emmett's jeep to the bowling alley. Why we went there, I'm not completely sure. I just followed Edward.

When we got there, I really had to pee, so I told Edward to grab my shoes for me. I came out of the bathroom to find that the game had already started, and I was up. I quickly put on my shoes and grabbed an 8 pound ball. I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to bowling. I loped forward, and rolled the ball. It rotated down the lane, dead center, and me of all people got a strike. I squealed and clapped my hands while I jumped up and down. I ran and hugged Edward before taking my next turn.

I watched the ball roll down the lane. I saw all of the pins fall over. I heard the voice say Strrrrrrriike! And yet, I still couldn't believe it. Neither could anybody else.

The rest of the night I bowled all strikes and spares. Once I heard Emmett tell Edward, "Man, Bella's literally on fire tonight," to which Edward responded, "'Literally on fire' as in Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial, or as in misuse of the word 'literally?'" I laughed and kissed Edward who wasn't doing as well as I was. While I had 500 points, Edward had 320, Rose had 462, Alice had 300, Jazz had 124, and Emmett had 291. I had no clue how I became so good at bowling. Balls, slippery floors, and retarded shoes are not my forte. That's what she said. Eventually we got bored, so we made our way back to Emmett and Edward's house. Since the two of them were brothers, and Rose and I were such good friends, we often had sleepovers there.

The mansion that the Cullens lived in was to die for. The pool and jacuzzi were our main priority tonight. Their father, Carlisle was a very kind, man. He was a doctor at Forks Hospital, and I'm pretty sure he was looking for some lucky lady. If I were 20 years older…

We all grabbed the bathing suits we kept at their house, and took turns changing in the bathroom. My bathing suit was a ery simple bikini. The top was a halter with turquoise and black stripes, and the bottoms were plain black. I liked it no matter if Emmett called me emo. Rose's bathing suit was also a bikini with salmon, orange, yellow, and white polka dots in rows. It looked very good on her, and complimented her blonde hair perfectly. Alice didn't have a bikini, but her suit was also cute. She was not as pale as me, so she wore a white one-piece with little skinny brown straps, and one brown stripe right under her boobs. Between her boobs was a little, decorative brown design that made your eyes look down and down into her cleavage. The center was cut out just low enough to see her belly button. The three of us looked very stylish in our swim wear.

The guys, not so much. Edward had on plain turquoise trunks that matched my top, I must say, they complimented him very nicely. Jazz had simple white trunks with navy blue Hawaiin flowers all over them. He looked very good. Emmett, of course, was wearing a red, white, and blue speedo. I couldn't help but laugh. "You know, Emmett," I told him, "That speedo will kill off all of your sperm." I laughed some more. He stared at me, disbelievingly before running into the house, and coming back out wearing black trunks with a weird yellow leaf design on the right leg. Rose glared at me. "Thanks a lot, Bella! Now I can't stare at his package!" She yelled jokingly. I giggled. "I'm sorry, but it had to be done." She grinned, and grabbed my hand. "1. 2. 3!" We all jumped into the pool causing a huge splash. I came up to the surface laughing, and went to go find Eward.

We were in the middle of a game of chicken when Carlisle walked out. He was wearing a white t-shirt, and some basic, navy blue trunks. 'Hey, Carlisle!" We all said in unison. He grinned. "Hey kids. Do you guys mind if I swim for a bit, I need to relax a little."We all shook our heads, no, and returned to our game. Alice was on top of my shoulders, and Jasper was on top of Emmett's. I had a pretty good feeling that they were going to win, considering the fact that Emmett was way stronger than I was. My feeling was correct, and we tumbled over. Alice's legs were still wrapped around my neck when we went under water, so I had to squirm out from under her in order to break them loose. I came up and saw Carlisle laughing at our "shenanogans". He was about to jump in when Emmett yelled, "Carlisle! Take of the shirt! Show some chest hair. Chicks dig the sternum bush. Come on! Go Simon Cowell! You've got the salt and pepper! IT'S NICE!" Carlisle rolled his eyes and jumped in. When he came up, he stated "I'd rather shower with a bear." We all laughed at that.

The next round, I was sitting on top of Edward's shoulders and Rosalie was sitting on top of Emmett's. I was pretty damn certain that they were gonna kick our asses. I fought anyway, and once again, I fell first. Rose jumped off of Emmett's shoulder, and helped me up onto hers. I wasn't quite sure what was going on, but I went with it. Alice climbed up onto Jazz's shoulders, and we fought. This time Rose and I won. I jumped off and hugged her. "Rose, why the hell did you do that?" I asked. She shrugged, and before she got to answering, Emmett was telling me, "She is an enigma wrapped in a little blonde riddle. You can never predict what she'll do next." We all stared at him, confused, and he just shrugged and climbed out of the water. We followed him with our eyes, all the way over to the…diving board.

"OH CRAP!" Carlisle was the first to speak. We laughed, but then mumbled words of anxiety under our breath. I ran out of the pool and into the jacuzzi, soon followed by everyone but Emmett. As soon as they were all in the jacuzzi, he jumped. I have never seen a cannonball into a pool cause so much damage. I'm pretty sure that all of the water splashed out. It poured over us, and dome of it even went into the neighbor's yard. The girls all screamed when the cold water entered our warm whirlpool. The guys ust laughed.

Emmett swam over to us and said, "Hey I'm hungry." We all rolled our eyes and Edward said "When are you not hungry?" I chuckled, and got out of the jacuzzi, once again followed by everyone but Carlisle who was going to give us some "alone time". I mentally thanked him for that.

Alice said that she was getting tired, so Jasper volunteered to "take her home." Right before they left, Emmett yelled, "HEY JASPER! CALL ME WHEN YOU GUYS TO THE DIRTY!" and I couldn't help but laugh. Jasper flipped us off behind his back as he opened the door for alice.

The rest of us walked back inside and decided that we wanted to watch a movie. Edward and I went to the kitchen to make popcorn while Em and Rose chose a movie. I poured some M&M's into each bowl of popcorn, and mixed it all up. This was the real way to each popcorn.

We got ourselves comfortable in the living room, and put in the movie. Emmett had chosen 'The Exorcist' a classic. I was cuddled up next to Edwar on the couch, and Rosalie was sitting on Emmett's lap on the chair across from us. We all fidgeted while the opening credits rolled, but as soon as the movie started, we went silent save for the sound of people munching on my popcorn / M&M mixture.

About half-way through, I discovered that Emmett had chosen this movie for a reason. During the parts that I lifted my head away Edward's abdomen – which wasn't very often – I saw that Em was staring straight down Rose's shirt. He had chosen a horribly scary movie just so that Rose would get all scared, and push herself up against him. I realized that I was doing the same to Edward.

And I didn't give a fuck.

I say, let men be men. If they wanna stare down our shirts, let them. Although, I was still pissed that Emmett had chosen such a scary movie. When it was over, I hugged Edward then sat up. I sighed and said, "Well, Emmett. It looks like you've won bitchiest banana!" I could feel the couch vibrate as Edward laughed next to me. Emmett took my little comment to heart, though, and I could see Rose squeeze his hand as she rolled er eyes. Emmett really needed to get control of his emotions.

That night, Rose and I slept over. It was 2:00 am, and we didn't want to haveto drive home this late at night, so we got out the overnight bags that we always kept at the Cullen house, and got ready for bed. She and I brushed our teeth in the guest bedroom, but slept with our men. We didn't sleep with them, we just shared a bed. Well, Edward and I just shared a bed. You could hear Rose and Emmett from downstairs. It was disgusting.

After I got my pajamas on, I crawled under the covers, and snuggled up close to Edward. He wrapped his arm around my back, and I was suddenly enveloped in warmth. He rested his cheek on the top of my head, and as soon as he turned the light off, I was out.

~~*~~*~~*~~

I awoke to Edward's morning wood pressed against my thigh. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling, but I'm sure it would cause him a lot of pain in I left it like that, so I very delicately crawled out of the bed and into the bathroom. When I came out, Edward was already dressed. He was laughing and shking his head, so I quietly snuck up behind him, wrapped my arms around his waist, and asked, "What's so funny?" His only response was "Jasper," but in his hand I could see the text message on his phone.

Jasper: Dude. I really think I need help. Alice is so fucking amazing. I can't stand it much longer. I know I need to tell her how I feel, but I don't know when or how. You and Em need to help me.

I laughed so hard that I fell back on the bed. Edward looked to me and smiled my favorite crooked smile. I shook my head, "Jazz really needs to grow a pair." Edward laughed with me.

We went downstairs, and as Edward told Emmett about the message on his phone, I made breakfast. Carlisle startled me whn he opened the fridge to get some juice. "Oh, I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to frighten you. I just came to say 'hello' then I'm off to work…" I stood there not moving "Well…hello, I guees," he finished and walked out the door. That was weird.

I went back to cooking. We were having chocolate chip pancakes (I made a few Mickey Mouse shaped ones for Emmett) scrambled eggs with cheese, and bacon. Edward, Rosalie, and Emmett all walked in when I was setting the table, so I told them to just go right ahead and sit down and dig in.

I got a bunch of compliments on my cooking skills, but I was used to hearing that from them.

When they were finished eating, Edward said that Rosalie and I should go shopping because he and Emmett had to talk to Jazz. I of course laughed at that thought, but agreed. They needed some personal man-to-man time. Alone.

At around 12:30, Rose and I left to go shopping while the men stayed behind and did what they had to.

Okay, so I wantedto do an EPOV in this chapter, but me being the lazy person I am, didn't get around to it. I'm hoping to post another chapter soon, though, so don't worry. Plus, I'm on spring break at the moment, so I have all the time in the world. Kind of.

Thea. Let's just say that you're going to be involved in this story a lot.

PLEASE REVIEW! Easter is one of the holiest days of the year, and right now, Jesus is telling you to review my story.

Love as always,

Olie