Balance

I didn't think I could ever feel like this. I didn't know that I could feel like my entire world was crumbling around me, and yet still be happy. Nothing that I had ever been taught, had ever been told could have prepared me for this…and for that, for that I am glad. Being here, in his arms I find that I no longer feel so very alone, or so very vulnerable. All my life I'd held others at a distance, and now I can't remember the why of it.

With frightening ease the lie comes to mind, the excuse I've used so many times before. You did it, a voice whispers, to keep the people close to you safe. To protect them.

A ragged sob tears from my throat as the lie repeats itself, and I feel his arms tighten around me, his voice an anchor holding me steady in the storm of emotions coursing through me.

When has that ever worked?! I scream silently, hot tears trailing down my cheeks. How have I managed not to hurt those who love me? How could I have thought I was protecting them, when all this time I've been the one hurting them?

The voice falls silent, surprised perhaps, that I would ever challenge it. Or perhaps because I recognize that voice now. I recognize what it represents, and I feel the icy tendrils around my heart withdraw one by one, almost hesitantly. I open my eyes as I realize what I'm doing, and a slow smile spreads across my face.

I know you, I whisper to that voice, I know that you are my fear, my desperation, my uncertainty, and I banish you. You are no longer needed here…no longer wanted.

More of the darkness lifts, and yet I know it's there, hiding. Waiting for the chance to leap, to fill me with emptiness. To reclaim part of me that it should never have been able to.

You need me more than you think, more than you realize. I will always be here, you cannot banish that which is a part of you.

There is truth in that, I realize numbly. What is a person without fear? Without uncertainty? I think back to something I was told long ago, that there can be no light without darkness, no day without night.

Without me, there is no balance, and without balance there is nothing.

My smile widens, for I hear something in that dark voice I had never thought to hear. There is grudging respect, and…relief? Could it be that even the darkness cannot last forever?

I give a start as I feel cool fingers glide across my scalp, threading through my hair, and I realize that the voice has finally gone.

For now. comes the amused reply.

Balance.

It all comes down to such a simple thing, and yet I can't help but wonder how many actually achieve it? How many people ever come to the realization that has taken me this long to reach?

"What are you smiling about?"

I lift my head and meet his eyes, my gaze roaming over the familiar features, coming to rest on the soft smile on his lips. I can sense his concern like a tangible thing, and it warms me.

"Nothing. I just needed to find my balance." I say, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Ah."

I close my eyes in contentment, reveling in the way his voice wraps around me like a favorite blanket. I feel the final strands around my heart fall away with his simple response. He understands, and that is all I need. Perhaps it was all I ever needed.