After reading the summary of Toni Morrison's novel Beloved in my summer reading book How To Read Literature Like A Professor, I was inspired to write this, but other things distracted me so the plot bunnies tortured me endlessly. So instead of working on ch. 17 of my story Who I Am, I wrote this. I hope you enjoy. Disclaimer: don't own Ninja Turtles or the songs "Four Rusted Horses" by: Marilyn Manson or "O Children" by: Nick Cave and the Bad Seed.

Who'll ride this dying carousel?

Four rusting horses strangled by their own rope.

What children love a singing wheel,

Now that their tight hearts it broke?

Now that their tight hearts it broke.

He didn't know how long he had been locked up in this prison with his four sons, but he estimated to be around three weeks. The five of them have been captured and locked up in this dirty cage. No one has entered since they first woken up from being tranquilized. Someone delivers food and water through a smaller door within the larger door. They only show their arms and hands not their whole body. Even though Splinter couldn't see the cameras and microphones, he knew that they were being watched and recorded probably for scientific study. Splinter remembered their capture crystal clear. It was one of those rare occasions he went with his sons to the surface to train them. He had them practice their stealth in battle. He paired off Leonardo and Raphael to fight first. After their fight, Donatello and Michelangelo were supposed to spar using stealth and secrecy. However, as soon as Leo won his match, a group of ninja/soldiers of an unknown clan showed up in large numbers. Splinter and his sons knew they were outnumbered but still they fought. Yet, the ninja/soldiers had the upper hand and managed to tranquilize them all. An hour later, and they woke up in this prison cell with their weapons and Splinter's cane missing.

For the first few weeks, he and his sons tried to escape using every option available to them. Since their weapons were missing, their options were extremely limited. Donatello had determined that the door could only be activated by a specific person's finger print. Since neither of them were that specific person, they could not activate the door. Soon escape was starting to seem hopeless, and they gave up.

He and his sons definitely knew it was not the Foot so they ruled out the possibility of the Shredder having anything to do with their capture. His sons began to question whether Bishop or Stockman somehow managed to acquire an army with the training and style of ninjas and soldiers combined. Splinter knew that his sons were wrong but did not wish to tell them of their captor's identity. He still felt fear whenever he thought about him, and now the idea of what he might possibly do to his sons brought sheer terror to his body and mind. Splinter knew he should tell his sons. It could give them a fighting chance if they had sufficient knowledge of their enemy, but for right now, ignorance is bliss, and Splinter did not wish to resurface a painful memory. One his sons did not even know.

It was twelve years ago when his sons were at the tender age of three. Splinter had left them to play while he scavenged for supplies around the sewers. He was having little luck finding anything so he ventured to the surface. As he wandered a nearby alleyway, he was ambushed by the same ninja/soldiers that ambushed him and his sons. They outnumbered him and managed to tranquilize him and bring him to the lab of a scientist known as Dr. Rupert, who was interested in mutants such as Splinter but did not believe in humane treatment of mutant creatures. Splinter was subjected to a cruel and immoral vivisection without the use of anesthesia. The pain and agony was unlike anything Splinter has ever endured. The pain of having all his layers of skin cut open, leaving his internal organs exposed. Strangers poking through his internal organs as they carried on their functions necessary for survival. He still found it amazing that he managed to survive the torture. As soon as the vivisection was over and Splinter was patched up and sent back to his cage, he managed to escape and return to his sons a few days later. His sons were terrified during the days without their father and thought he died. Splinter remembered how his boys rushed up to him, hugged him while crying. They demanded to know what happened, but Splinter could not bring himself to tell the truth. His mind was too traumatized so he lied to them saying he got lost in the city. His sons believed the lie and did not question it.

Now his sons were fifteen-years-old and still believed the lie, but Splinter still remembered and did not want his babies subjected to that kind of torture for the mere purpose of science. But it seemed that Dr. Rupert has learned from his past mistakes in housing mutant creatures. He had a heavy duty, bolted door that could only be activated or deactivated by Dr. Rupert's finger prints keep the mutant creatures in captivity. There was no way using ninjutsu could free them, and there was no vent to use as an alternative means for escape. Still, Splinter hatched plans in saving his sons without exposing the truth.

However, three weeks had their toll on them, and arguments began to erupt between Leonardo and Raphael more frequently than usual, and Splinter grew even more paranoid as if he was going to lose it any second by the monster's presence that was not here in this cage but at the same time was always here, living in the rat's mind and torturing his thoughts and poisoning his dreams with nightmares of his sons' agony at Dr. Rupert's hands. Last night's nightmare really took a toll at Splinter. It was so vivid. He saw all four of his sons alive, but their plastrons were split open, and Splinter could see their beating hearts, ribs, and other internal organs. Dr. Rupert was laughing manically. Splinter had awoken with a scream which woke up his sons. They asked what was wrong, and Splinter refused to tell them. They persisted in their questions, but Splinter refused to answer and finally he snapped at all of them to drop the matter, and his sons did.

By the fourth week, a woman with black hair in a ponytail dressed in a black jumpsuit while carrying a stun gun entered the door. They were instantly on guard and jumped into a fighting stance. Yet, Splinter wondered how she managed to open the door when the door required the finger print of Dr. Rupert. He decided that this was not at all important. The only thing that mattered was their escape and his sons' safety.

The woman did not speak at all as she raised her stun gun at the Turtles and before any them could react, she tased the four of them to temporary unconsciousness. Splinter could only watch helplessly. The woman turned her head to him and uttered in a cool and collected voice, "Dr. Rupert has requested your presence." Then before even Splinter could react, the woman tased Splinter to unconsciousness.

Splinter woke up strapped to a table in a small laboratory. The woman was nowhere to be seen. But to Splinter's horror, there was Dr. Rupert standing a few feet away from him. Never has he felt such terror since he witnessed the death of his father figure and master Hamato Yoshi.

"Hello, my lab rat," greeted Dr. Rupert in such a way that made politeness downright scary. Splinter did not say a word. Dr. Rupert pretended not to care. "You have been very useful to me twelve years ago, but unfortunately, you escaped. No matter. I can complete what I started all those years ago, but don't worry. I will not be performing another vivisection on you. I only needed to do it once."

Splinter ignored the heavenly relief of not having to endure another vivisection. He kept a straight face as he commanded, "Release my sons. Now!"

Dr. Rupert just laughed. "No way. I need to understand reptilian mutation. I will be performing a vivisection on one of your sons. Maybe all of them if I have to, but I doubt it will come to that. One should do. And just like before, I won't be administering anesthesia. I don't know how the creatures will react to it."

Splinter's eyes widen in pure horror. He remembered the sheer agony of a vivisection without anesthesia. He could not let his sons go through that torture. Dr. Rupert, however, took pleasure in seeing the rat in fear. Not a word was said between the two as Dr. Rupert examined his lab rat and shaved a part of Splinter's fur to take a sample of skin tissue. Nothing physically painful happened to Splinter. Only the mental agony of seeing his sons undergoing what he had gone through twelve years ago.

Finally, Dr. Rupert called for his assistant Lisa – the woman who had tased Splinter and brought him here. Lisa tased Splinter again. Thirty minutes later, Splinter woke up in his prison cell with the faces of all four of his sons staring down at him. All four of them began to blurt out questions of where was he, what had happened, and many more. His sons' words were mixed together forming a mess of sentences from talking at the same time. On the other hand, Splinter found he could not speak. The mental agony was too much for him. He could only use gestures and lie to his sons that he was out through whatever had happened. He could see that his sons were at the same time relived that he was okay and disappointed because they did not receive any information on their captor's identity and motives.

For the rest of the day, his sons just hung around not speaking to each other. They looked bored out of their minds. Splinter tried to meditate on what Dr. Rupert had just said. He knew he could not let any of his sons go through that vivisection. He did not know which one will be subjected to that torture so he had to save them all. But how? Splinter thought. He couldn't simply use a ninja trick to open the door or kick it open even with the help of his four sons. When Splinter went through hell at Dr. Rupert's hands, he silently wished and prayed for death to come to him. Death was so much kinder than being ripped apart while alive and conscious.

Then Splinter remembered when he was still a normal pet rat, living with Master Yoshi in New York City. Splinter managed to badly break his leg, and Master Yoshi took him the vet. The vet had said that euthanasia would be a kinder and better option for Splinter's leg, Master Yoshi refused that option and the vet reluctantly patched up Splinter's leg. Master Yoshi gave Splinter medicinal, herbal teas, and to the vet's surprised, pulled a full recovery.

Now Splinter wondered whether death would be the kindest option for his sons seeing as though escape was no option. A chill went up Splinter's spine. Could he seriously kill his sons, his own children, to save them from a fate so much crueler? Splinter had never wanted to die so much when undergoing a vivisection. Now, twelve years later, and he was still suffering the effects of that torture. It was the very reason why he had mistrusted humans and took him a long time to view April O'Neil and Casey Jones as family.

Nightmares of that vivisection tortured him, and those nightmares will be the Satan of his sons' minds especially Michelangelo who was most prone to nightmares. The trauma afterwards will be unbelievably mentally torturous especially Raphael who was the most emotional and combined with post-traumatic stress disorder, his rage will be unbearable and even greater than now. The feeling of helplessness as you are strapped down to the table while being torn apart would feel the worst in Leonardo since he is the most capable of defending himself and the most independent and skilled. Suffering a vivisection just because you are a mutant will be especially devastating in Donatello who is the most trusting and dreamed of making the world tolerant to his kind. If Donatello went through that, he would become mistrustful of humans and lose that gentleness and love for science.

Splinter could not let that vivisection torture his sons especially in the areas they are most prone to being rendered broken. The answer came crashing down on him. He knew escape was hopeless, but he could not let his sons undergo what he had gone through. He must euthanize his sons before Dr. Rupert gets his hands on them. And Splinter knew just how to kill – no euthanize (the word "kill" when applied in this context seemed so dishonorable and so unthinkable) – his sons. He had kept a switch blade hidden from the enemy by keeping it in his mouth, but after capture, he hidden the blade in his robes. At night when his sons are fast asleep, he will slit their throats (since that should be the most painless, less bloody way). Then he will kill himself. He could not live without his babies knowing he had killed them. His heart ached in his unthinkable decision, but it was the only way to spare his sons from this cruel fate.

A few hours later, and Splinter could hear the yawns of his sons. They were getting sleepy so Splinter hummed a Japanese lullaby for them. It was a lullaby he used to sing for his sons when they were infants. For some reason, his sons liked this lullaby the most out of other lullabies he sung so he chose this one to sing them to sleep. Soon they were lulled asleep. Splinter awaited for the snores to start and the twitching of their eyes (Donatello had once told them that when a sleeping person twitches their eyes, they have entered a state of REM when the person is in the deepest sleep). Splinter hoped it would take a long time for his sons to enter REM. He could not stand the thought of killing his own sons even thought it was mercy killing he was doing.

An eternity passed by in a matter of thirty minutes, and all four of the Turtles entered REM. Splinter checked each one of his sons to make sure, and to his partial despair, they all were in a deep sleep. It was time for his sons to enter eternal peace. Splinter pulled out his switchblade and clicked open the blade – the cruel, merciful, silver blade. It was time.

He started with his oldest son Leonardo. He caressed his son's head as he thought about Leonardo. Leonardo. So skilled and fearless as he defended his brothers with his life. He was a true warrior and a true follower of the path of Bushido. Splinter was right in choosing Leonardo to be the leader and was so proud of him as well. Still, it's amazing that the skilled and fearless warrior Leonardo had become was once afraid of heights when he was a child. Splinter kissed his eldest son on the head. "Goodnight, my son. I love you," Splinter said in the kindest, gentlest voice he had ever used. A few tears trickled as he took the blade and ran it across his son's throat. Leonardo jerked a little but did not wake up. Splinter was worried. Did he cause his son pain? He did not know. He checked his son's pulse and found none. Leonardo was dead. More tears trickled from Splinter's eyes, but he had to save his sons.

Next was Raphael. Splinter caressed his son's cheek as he thought about his second oldest son. Raphael was born with a fire, and it seemed like a crime to smother that fire. His son was fueled by such rage and passion. Splinter was amazed and proud at how strong and brave Raphael had become. Fearing nothing, not even his own life, when charging into battle to kill or destroy anything that threatened his family. And yet, despite the wall of anger Raphael keeps around his soul, Splinter could see his softer side especially whenever Michelangelo had a nightmare, and Raphael was the one to comfort him. Splinter was just as proud of Raph when he had shown his soft side when his brothers are in need. Splinter kissed Raphael on the forehead. "Goodnight, my son. I love you." Then Splinter slit his fiery son's throat. More tears poured out and his heart was beginning to break. He checked Raphael's pulse and found it to be gravely silent. Splinter moved onto Donatello.

Splinter was without a doubt proud of Donatello's mind. Donatello was a genius by nature and showed such logic and such fascination with technology. Although his son was an engineer at heart, Splinter knew he made a great doctor at times. Splinter was so proud at how strong Donatello was when faced with a seriously injured brother, and how he managed to save his family's lives time and time again without refusing to give up on them or break down in emotional turmoil. Splinter was ever grateful to Donatello many times. Just as Splinter was proud of his son's strength and intelligence, he was just as proud of his son's compassion and gentleness and his restraint against killing. It would be worse than death if Donatello became a cold hearted warrior. Splinter kissed Donatello on the forehead. "Goodnight, my son. I love you." Pieces of Splinter's heart chipped away as he slit his most gentle and compassionate son's throat. Splinter checked Donatello's pulse and found it to be still.

There was only one son left alive – Michelangelo. Splinter's heart and soul were fractured and torn, and killing his most innocent son would make the heartache worse. After all, it is the gravest sin to kill someone so innocent – as innocent as Michelangelo. Michelangelo was the personal sun of the Hamato clan. Even in dark times (like during their four weeks of captivity), Michelangelo managed to keep their hopes up through his jokes and laughter. It's thanks to Michelangelo that Splinter did not completely lose it here in this hell. Splinter was also amazed at his son's creativity and proud that his son was not afraid to openly express himself through art and through other means. Not only was his son an artist but a natural athlete in the field of speed and agility. Always talking and laughing, it will be a sin to silence Michelangelo. Splinter kissed his son's forehead and whispered, "Goodnight, my son. I love you." He took the blade and slit Michelangelo's throat. Splinter checked his son's pulse and found it to be silent as his talkative son was now.

Splinter collapsed to the floor. He committed the most unthinkable act of slaying his own children, but it was perhaps, the kindest thing he could do for them to prevent his sons suffering that vivisection. Now it was time to end his own life just as he ended his sons' lives.

"My sons, I am sorry." He took the blade and slit his own throat. The blade dropped and his upper body fell to the floor. His suicide was complete. What is done is done.

O children
Lift up your voice, lift up your voice
Children
Rejoice, rejoice

I'm so evil!