I do not own the characters and I am not making a profit off this tale.

Rated M for spice

She reached out for me again, but thought better of it. I was grateful, because I knew if she touched me again, it would cement her hold over me a second time. I would fall under her spell again, even if it destroyed me from the inside out like a cold, black fire.

"I love you. Truly. I'm not going to let you go so easily, Olivia."

"You know I love you. And you know it doesn't matter." RaeDMagdon

Thou Liest Dead

Chapter One:

"Hours passed; days passed; time stood still; light gets dark, and darkness fills my secret heart, forbidden." Ice, Sarah McLachlan

POV Alex

"What did you expect Al? That she would welcome you with open arms?" the voice of my friend, Mary brought me back from my musings about the woman I left behind and ignored for so many years. Mary and I grew up together, she helped carry some of the burdens of becoming Alexandra Cabot again after I left the WITSEC program. She knew me better than I knew myself, but more importantly, she wasn't afraid to shake me when I hid from myself, hid from my feelings for Olivia Benson.

Maybe after five years of being someone else, I really have forgotten how to be Alex Cabot. Surely she has to be in here somewhere, and she would forever be entangled with Olivia. I wasn't sure how to say I'm a coward to the one person who always idolized me as courageous and fearless.

I could cry in front of Mary and know she wouldn't judge me for it. So I often did. My fingers had called her as the tears trailed down my cheeks unrestrained. I was so tired after spending a sleepless night on my couch, and I desperately needed a friend. "I don't know. I had hoped she would at least listen to me, listen to me when I told her I still love her." I softly sniffed, releasing my heartache to my only real friend. "She acted like she hates me. Like I disgust her, and maybe I do. I just don't know what to do."

I listened desperately for her voice, for the sound that acted as my anchor to keep my heart from permanently floating away, but I only heard silence through the receiver after my confession. A familiar tingling began in my stomach, much as it had the night before. Fear, my old companion, once again filled me with doubt. My previous arrogance vanished from me the day I walked away from that bar, allowed myself to be ushered into that van and away from the other half of my heart.

"Win her back. She's the biggest court case of your life Alex, so win her back. Prove to her why you're still good together. Gather the evidence and make is so."

"How?" I whispered. "What if we're not good together. She said as much last night. I mean, physically, she's the same, still beautiful and soft, but there's very little left of the Olivia I fell in love with. She's hardened to protect herself. And…I'm not sure how much of the me she fell in love with is still here either. "

"Alex, I've watched you run away from your heart. Let me see you run to it. Break through her shell and make your heart whole again… Please? I'd like to see my friend whole again before I die." A sniffle echoed through the receiver, alerting me to the tears Mary shed.

"I want nothing more than to smile again and feel the joy inside I used to, a joy that only Olivia made me feel. I'm so very tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger. But what if she won't give me another chance?"

"You're not a stranger sweetie, just lost. Now, go be found. She still loves you. And that means everything… I want the details. Bye Al." And with a click in my ear, she was gone.

I was alone and floating once again. With a flick of my fingers, I closed my cell phone and stood under the overhang of Olivia's apartment building. Cars sped by on the street behind me as early Manhattanites started their day at sunrise.

Lost, she said. Yes, I felt lost.

Taking a deep breath, I walked up to the entry door and used my key for the second time in less than twelve hours. I entered without any problems and waved to the desk clerk as I had the previous evening, giving him a brief glance as I continued walking with purpose toward the stairwell. I opened the door and let my feet carry me back up the stairs. I held my breath as I pulled out my key and opened Liv's apartment door, hoping she forgot to attach the chain.

After several years as lovers, I knew her habits but she's not the woman she used to be and I didn't know what to expect anymore. The lock clicked open as the key still flicked the tumblers free, and I gently eased the door open. It kept swinging until I had enough room to enter. The chain remained unattached.

Looking toward the couch, I saw the blankets thrown around and the blinds still open, letting the soft Dawn light through. I listened for noise in the apartment and heard the shower running.

A smile tugged my lips as I gently closed the door then set the locks back closed. Slipping off my shoes, I set down my purse and jacket by the door. A few twists and tugs on my skirt and blouse then I was naked in my ex-lovers apartment.

The shower was still running as I slipped open the door to the bathroom, pausing to listen for any startled gasps, and hearing none, I slipped inside then slid into the shower stall.

Olivia stood before me. I felt my fear melt away as I stepped forward. I wanted this woman and I needed to prove to her exactly how much.

POV Olivia

"You enter into me a light upon your lips; offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get; only a fool's here." Ice, Sarah McLachlan

I watched the shadows dance along my white wall as the sun rose in the sky. Darkness turned into day. The emptiness of my apartment mirrored the emptiness of my soul. My heart still beat in my chest though I felt numb and cold. I sent my warmth out of my apartment door a mere eight hours ago. In my bedroom, my alarm clock dinged, signaling that it was time to get my tired butt up. My job beckoned, and for the time being, I ignored it. There were other things I needed to focus on.

So, I laid back and waited for the annoying buzz to shut itself off, thinking about the last decade of my life and how much it's changed since I started work as a Detective. Immediately behind my closed lids, I pictured deep blue eyes and a smile I'd cross the world see. Anger followed my melancholy as I remembered how things have changed. I've changed, and so has she.

Tossing off my thin blanket, I sat up and stretched. I shouldn't have tried to sleep on the couch, I'm too old for such shit, but I just couldn't bear to enter my bedroom where Alex and I made love so many times.

After she left the first time, Elliott told me to keep everything the same, that she'd be back one day and expect me to welcome her with open arms. I took his advice because I couldn't bear to tell him how I would sooner slice off my arm and watch the blood drain from my body, then throw out everything she touched, everything that might still hold her sweet scent. Nor could I bear to tell him how her scent only brought tears to my eyes as I ashamedly kept smelling my jacket and scarf after she left me for the WITSEC.

My tears didn't call her back to my wanton arms when I needed her the most, when my world fell apart before my eyes. She was too busy making a new life under some fake name in some unknown backwoods state, many miles from my aching soul. I left everything the same because a part of me knew she'd return to me.

Elliott called me a lost cause, and he was right. Then he called me bitter at life. He called me names I wouldn't call my close friends, anything to prod me to live my life again instead of merely existing. So I nodded, a silent agreement then turned my head away to hide the tears that began to trickle down my cheeks. How could I tell him that I no longer had anything worthy or joyful in my life. Elliott tried to get me to hang out, to be as happy as I could be without my lover, but I just couldn't do it. I became depressed and a recluse.

Then one day, I heard she was free from WITSEC, had been for a while and had returned to New York. I crumpled that day, my long held hope ripped from my arms and my heart crushed. Alex was the first woman I fell in love with and I had thought she would be the last. And fuck did it hurt to realize how wrong I really was. I sank even further into a black pit of despair, skipping work and spending hours staring at my loaded gun only a few feet away, primed and ready for me to set the barrel to my temple and squeeze.

It was Elliott that finally grabbed me by the shoulders, slapped me over the head, then relentlessly told me that Alex Cabot had finally shown her true colors, that she's the bitch we all assumed her to be. He told me to forget her, to move on. I needed to reclaim my life and quit wallowing in my misery. He even set me up on a few blind dates. I agreed because he looked so hopeful and determined to aide me in ridding the pain that ate away at my insides.

And some of the dates were complete failures, but some were successful for a while, until we became intimate and I'd lay in stronger and thicker arms, in the throes of a passion I didn't feel, and I'd ache inside while I dreamed of blonde hair the color of summer wheat and eyes the color of a clear Summer sky. The trouble would start when merely closing my eyes during sex wouldn't be enough to tip my body toward my release, and I would start to say Alex's name at the moment of surrender and thinking it was she, I held in my arms and not the one I actually held.

They always left before I ended it, perhaps a blessing in disguise because I didn't want to look into their eyes and tell them I was in love with someone else, though most figured it out pretty quickly and we'd part on good terms. Of course I made up other reasons why the relationship ended when Elliot inquired why I was suddenly single again. We'd joke, then he'd say 'other fish Liv, lots of other fish'. We both knew there was only one fish I really wanted, but she swam away and left me as food for the circling sharks.

My legs cramped as I walked down the hallway, leaving the lights off until I reached the bathroom door. "Damn. Gotta stop trying to sleep on the couch," I muttered to my empty apartment, not expecting an answer from the dust bunnies that shared my abode with me.

Entering the bathroom, I turned on the lights over the mirror, closed the door, and stripped off my pajama bottoms and tank top. I needed to shower away my pain, feel the burn of the water proving to me that I was indeed still alive and breathing.

I stooped and picked my pajamas up, tugging them right side out to place in the hamper. Glancing at the white cotton as I pulled, I noticed the dark stains marring the seam between the legs. I hadn't noticed my arousal the night before, so intent was I on making Alex feel as hurt as I did. Obviously my body still wanted her, even if my mind knew how horrible she was for me.

I turned the water on as warm as I could stand it, flipped on the shower nozzle and let the water run for a few minutes. I watched the water flowing over the white porcelain, and inhaled the resulting steam. I stepped into the shower and turned the faucet, making the water temperature increase by a few degrees.

Hot needles of water peppered my shoulders and back. I tipped my head back and let the water flow down my face, feeling the heat soaking into my cheeks and lips.

The water trickled down my body, warming me and chasing away the numbness left from Alex. I was due at the station soon and didn't want to be late. I stepped out of the warm water and opened my eyes.

And gasped in surprise.

Dark blue eyes, drowning in wide pupils met my gaze.

Warm hands grabbed my wet hips and pulled me close. My mind resisted, tried desperately to send signals along my nerves to my hot muscles demanding they tense and pull away. I relaxed and stepped into her embrace, her body as comforting to my frayed nerves as the night before.

"You really should remember to attach the chain on the door… Darling." I surrendered at the coyly whispered name.

Her fingers stroked my lower abdomen in a familiar touch, then dipped to cup my warm mound, her clasp strong and comforting. My body remembered those fingers, remembered all the pleasure they brought me. There would be no fighting against her touch, I needed it far too much for my continued survival. Time stood still as we held each other in my shower. My hands wrapped around her hips and held on for support.

I whimpered as I spread my thighs, my eyes remaining locked on the dark blue of my other half, standing only inches from me.

"You said goodbye…" she whispered in my ear, her hot breath caressing my earlobe, making me shiver in her arms.

I croaked around the lump in my throat, "yes, I did."

"Now, I'm going to say hello properly. I'm not ready for goodbye, so I'm not letting you go without a fight because love always matters Liv… Always." Two slim, long fingers slipped inside me, resting within my warmth. She husked, "and Liv, you know how much I love to win…" Soft lips kissed my cheek then my neck. "This is the most important battle of my life. I'm going to prove to you how much I need you Olivia."

I watched as lust clouded her eyes, and my ears heard her gasp as my heat covered her fingers. I needed her more than I could say, so I stayed silent and let my body prove my answer. We would talk later.

As our mouths met in a kiss of renewal, I felt my heart thud out the truth of her statement in an escalating rhythm. Love always wins.

Then I closed my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't have to imagine Alex in my arms, touching my body. Her taste and scent confirmed her presence.

A/N: Just a start. More on the way. :+) Thanks Rae for poking my muse (Betsy) with another challenge, and give me a day or two to decide on the venue for my fic. ;)

Hey Deckhand, put your mop away and bring me another beverage... I'll be in the Captain's cabin. You know the way, I've got a mad case of dry mouth for some reason. O_o 'Betsy, you're driving the boat. Don't crash!'