AN : I don't own anything that is mentioned in this story. Only the brain cells that were used to create it :)
They were lead in her bed, she was propped up against the pillows and he had his head resting on the smooth skin of her stomach. His fingers were idly stroking her thigh, as he watched some random film that was on the television. She'd put it on to try and dull the noise coming from her bedroom considering her fathers were asleep in their room down the hall. He was supposed to have left already but when her Dad came in to say they were getting an early night, he couldn't resist the lack of chaperones and their constant time keeping. She was drawing patterns on the back of his neck and up through his mohawk and he didn't think life could get any better than this. Her ministrations were making him feel so drowsy, like when he was little and he'd fall asleep on the couch resting his head on his mother's lap and feel her run her fingers through his hair. Just as his eyes were about to close, she broke the silence that had fallen around them.
"Do you ever -" she stopped the movement of her fingers for a second, but then returned to it as if it would help her get her words out, "Do you ever wonder if you could...kill yourself?"
His eyes shot open, he didn't roll over like he wanted to, knowing that would make her retract the comment and shrug it off like she hadn't said anything. Too many conversations had ended that way. He always loved that she felt she could be vulnerable with him, in these moments between sex and sleep. Like the fact that she felt so free allowed her to open up in other ways. And he wanted her to continue, he wanted to know why she'd brought this up. So he squeezed her thigh slightly and replied, "I've never really thought about it. Ha-Have you?" He wanted it to be no, she would never think that. She had too many dreams and goals to ever consider doing some so -
"Maybe, I mean, not now. But I used to. Sometimes. When everyone hated me and I-I was lonely." He couldn't believe he was hearing this. But then, he got it. She was ridiculed at school, she had no friends. It probably seemed like an easy way out. But he had no clue what he was meant to say to that. How do you talk about stuff like this? Especially with someone who always seemed so good and happy and untouched by the malice in the world. She obviously didn't expect a response however, as she continued with her debate. "I made a list, of all the different ways you could kill yourself. Just to know what options there were. I kept it hidden so that my Dads wouldn't worry, I wasn't going to do it. I couldn't do that. But I liked the idea that I had control over something. That I could choose whether I was alive...or not. I felt like it was the only thing I had control over."
He cleared his throat, he wanted to keep this going. He needed to understand this. "So, er, if you were going to, what would you erm, what would you do?" This was so the wrong question to ask but his brain was freaking out. He didn't know what to say and he knew he needed to have some input in to this conversation. She chuckled, she could tell he was uncomfortable but the fact that he hadn't tried to change the subject meant so much to her.
"Well, I wouldn't want it to be something horrible, I wouldn't want my Dads to find me like that. And I figured I at least wanted to look good in the coffin. So something easy and pain free would be to just take some sleeping pills. Go out peacefully. I didn't want to rage against the dying of the light." At this he sat up slightly and turned to look at her, this perfect woman, lead with her hair mussed, lips swollen, in nothing but her underwear was talking about giving in to life. This girl so full of dreams who contemplated giving it all up. He couldn't take it.
"Rachel, tell me you don't still want this. I mean, you don't think about it do you? Doing it?" He reached up and ran his fingers along her cheek bone, and then up to her forehead to push some hair out of her eyes. She leant in to his hand and closed her eyes, a small smile playing on her lips.
"No, baby, no. I don't any more. Because life got better. I'm glad I didn't have the courage to do it, because I'd have missed out on so much. Friends, Glee...you. I'd regret it so much if I knew what I would be giving up. The chance of a life with you. That means everything to me."
He smiled at her, she hardly ever spoke about her life before Glee club had joined them all together, he knew it was because she didn't want to upset him. She'd said something once, without thinking about it and the grimace on his face had stopped her in her tracks. She didn't talk about it after that. Part of him was grateful, he hated to think about it, but another part realised she might want to talk to him about it. Need to talk to him about it. And that's when it had hit him, a realisation that needed to happen if he was ever going to understand her completely. She was broken. He had broken her, slowly. She never showed it, but it didn't mean it didn't happen. He'd caused little pieces of her to fall away and now he wanted to fix her back together. Make sure she was in perfect condition, so that the world couldn't use the breakage against her. Couldn't slip its fingers in the cracks and open old wounds.
"I never told anybody this but when I was in juvie, there was..." He paused to try and figure out how he would tell her this. "There was this guy, I er, I didn't know him. I mean I stayed pretty much to myself in there. But I'd seen him around, so I knew of him I guess." She was looking at him so intensely it almost scared him, soaking up all of his words like it was oxygen and any minute there would be none left. "One day, it was a Wednesday, they told us he'd been found in his room. He'd hanged himself. They asked us if we knew any reason he might have...but no body knew. He didn't, he didn't tell anybody because he knew that if he did someone would try to convince him not to. He wasn't doing it for attention, or to feel like people cared, he just didn't want to live any more." She ran her fingers along the shell of his ear, he could tell she was trying to keep it together. Whenever he admitted these secrets to her she always got misty eyed and he would normally laugh and say she was "being a girl" but this was too serious to laugh off. This was his way of relating to her. His way of understanding what she was talking about. She hadn't told anyone. She didn't see another way.
"That was when I realised I couldn't go back there. Once I was out, I needed to stay out. I didn't want to end up in a place where it was so deep that the only way to get out would be in a box."
She nodded her head, and moved her hand to run up and down the arm he draped over and stomach and was supporting his upper body. She looked up at him through her eyelashes, analysing him the way she did whenever he offered up any new information she had never heard before. Finding a way to fit it in with the view she already had of him. Filing it for a later date.
"Thank you...for telling me that. I know it was hard for you but, it means so much to me that you feel like you can tell me things. Things you can't tell anybody else." She smiled at him, the smile that always made him smile. The smile that had won him over so many times. The one she only ever used with him.
"Baby, you have to know if you want to tell me something, I mean I know I'm not good with feelings and emotional stuff, but I'll listen if you need me to. Like if something big is going on in that head of yours, then talk to me about it. Don't feel like you can't. I don't want you to ever feel like the only solution is the end." He needed her to understand that she never needed to feel that way again. She giggled and nodded her head. He smiled back at her and nodded his head. He knew this conversation had come to a close and that she'd probably start chattering on about Kurt or some Broadway thing any second now, but this conversation had brought them closer together. He didn't think it was possible. But these little insights in to her life were what kept him going, made him realise she wasn't all she made out. She wasn't this strong person who didn't let anything bother her. She was fragile, and scared and he just wanted to protect her from the world. Make sure she got everything she ever wanted without any of the pain he knew she might face along the way.
She was biting her lip and watching him when he finally realised he'd spaced out and was staring off in to the distance. She lightly touched his temple as she whispered "What's going on in there?"
He shook his head, and leant towards her. "Nothing." As he moved closer she smiled, "You can tell me you know. I know I'm not good with all this...what did you say?" She was smirking at him now, her eyes had that playful glint that excited him. He smirked back as his hands came to rest on either side of her, so he was hovering just above her. Almost touching but not quite. She looked up at him expectingly, like she knew what he was thinking before he even thought it. He slowly brought his head down so his lips were brushing against the skin of her collar bone, she took a shaky breathe, he knew that was one of her spots.
"It's not nice to tease people Rach, and I was being to nice to you. But I guess you don't deserve me being nice" and with that he rolled off her and to the other side of the bed. He was laughing when she sat up. The expression on her face was priceless. Her mouth in a small "O" shape and her eyes all wide. But before he realised it she had climbed on to his waist, straddling him now and pinned his arms on either side of him. He could easily get out of it but the wicked little grin on her face was worth more than that. She began to laugh when he pretended to be stuck beneath her, and he thought it was the most amazing sound. She released her grip on his arms and he sat up so he could face her. He slowly moved one hand around to the small of her back and the other came up to draw their faces close together. She rested her hands on his upper arms. He was drawing little circles on her spine and it made her eyes flutter closed. "Noah". It came out as a whisper but it was all the incentive he needed. He leaned forward and kissed her, slow and gentle at first but when her fingers dug in to his arms he moved more forcefully against her. He knew the best way to fix her, and he knew he could only do so much, but he would love her for as long as she wanted him. And hopefully it would start to fix her. From the look on her face he figured it had already started to and that was all he could ask. This perfect girl, his perfect girl, he wanted to make sure she was so secure with herself that no one would ever make her think those things again. And while he loved those vulnerable moments, he was about to have a moment that was his favourite. The ones where she didn't care about anything or anyone but being in this moment with him. Her brain totally shut off from all those usual things buzzing around in there, Glee club and school and all those insecurities she didn't know he knew she had. These were his favourite moments and he was so glad her Dads went to bed early tonight.