By Vasiliki 15-11-2000
Beta readers: Bonnejeanne and Elizabeth.
Note: This was written as an answer to three other fics. For the full story, visit http://www.geocities.com/damoyre/fanfic/endless.htm
You know, we all are funny people. Not only the five of us, but also you and you and you over there, who believe you're invisible in the crowd. You think we're the only ones who turn simple things into complicated affairs? Who deny happiness and embrace loneliness because of a twisted sense of moral right and wrong? Well, I'll tell you what, we're not the only ones. You're just like us! Go over your entire life and count the times you bereaved yourself from your desires and you sat wallowing in pity, hiding it under the noble veil of self-sacrifice. There's nothing noble about self-sacrifice. I should know. I was brought up learning everything there is to know on the subject. Someone's sacrifice changed the course of my life. Yes, her words would have never convinced me to leave my colony, but her actions did so very effectively. She practiced what she was taught, instead of keeping back and wait for me. We could have protected our people together and gotten out of there intact. If she had listened, she wouldn't have thrown away her life in vain. But she was fierce and honorable... more honorable than I'll ever be. Yet, she was wrong in this. The only thing she was ever wrong about. The only...
But I digress. At the end, I lost everything there had been left for me to lose, because of this corrupted ideal of self-sacrifice. The only home I ever knew. My people. Saw them all gone before my very eyes. Forgive me for raising my voice upon saying this, but one must fight till the bitter end, not giving up like a coward in the face of a dark future, justifying his actions under elusive names. If they were still alive, they could defend freedom and justice. Being dead, they deprived the rest of the world of their brilliant minds and their fighting hands, their ancestors of the proper offerings. So much knowledge and courage lost forever. No, I assure you that by denying the future, you won't succeed in anything other than destroying your chance for goodness and light. And you should be aware of a simple truth: making yourself miserable, you are not automatically proclaimed a saint, neither you are appointed a place in Heaven. It doesn't work that way.
I told them that. I went and tried to talk a little sense into their dense heads. I had noticed what was going on, even if they believed they were hiding it effectively, not only from the rest of the world, but from themselves as well. Ha! Only a blind man would have missed the Hell in their eyes when they looked at each other, and said blind man would have definitely felt the electricity of their gazes throbbing in the air and tickling the hair on his skin. They pretended things were normal and acted as if they didn't care a lot about their feelings. "It's something temporary, it'll pass as everything else has", said the most hardheaded of all, the one I felt I understood most. Idiots! I wouldn't let them repeat the mistakes of my people. They are all I have left and no matter what they believe, I do care for them.
I first talked to the onna. I surprised myself more than I'm surprising you. I had to know if she was willing to try this, because her public position is the most vulnerable and her responsibilities might prove the biggest obstacle. It's very hard to live your life according to your personal beliefs, if the entire world turns against you. Yet, they're all strong and they'll have each other. I have faith in them. I thought she would be the hardest to persuade, however she accepted on the spot, as if she had given it some thought herself before. I asked her if she honestly believed that she could overcome any compromising feelings, if my plan worked out smoothly.
She offered a small sad smile.
"I never told anyone, but I dream often of him rescuing me from death."
Her big clear eyes looked at me.
"The God of Death preserved my life and he looked truly godly at that moment."
I was amazed. I would have never suspected she nurtured feelings for anyone but Heero Yuy.
Of course, this makes my job a lot easier. Hmph. If only I managed to open the eyes of the most stubborn of them. I decided to leave our meeting for the end. The second person I talked to was Maxwell. He didn't surprise me. In order to make sure Heero was happy, he had stepped aside, or in his own words "retreated from the game". He denied everything, or rather avoided to answer, joking his way out. He even tried to bounce the subject of the conversation back to me, but I refused to let him escape.
"Do you love him? Would you do anything for his happiness?"
He froze like a statue and stared at me. I'll never forget as long as I live his amethyst eyes or the sound of his voice, raw with emotion, rising straight from the depths of his soul.
"Anything at all for the one you love," he vowed and I knew then that his love was so great that it would encompass anyone else as well.
I sighed, relieved, and talked to him.
I left him rekindled with hope, more alive than I had seen him in a long time. Only one to encounter now. I moved decisively, but when he opened the door and let me enter, I noticed that my heart beat faster than usual. He offered tea. He's changed a lot from our first meeting, so long ago. Sometimes, it seems to me that all happened in another era. We sat facing each other in companionable silence for a long time. I let my mind wander to our past encounters. I don't know what he was thinking. The light from the half-closed shades created strange ever-shifting patterns in the room. I looked at his face, at the thin invisible lines of pain and life, and he opened his eyes, intense and piercing as ever, and looked back. He surprised me, starting to talk first. He told me everything in short precise sentences. I was left speechless, I admit, and this doesn't happen often to me. It seems that he has thought a lot over it, a lot more than me, that's for certain! And here I came to confront him and persuade him! Sharing his fears with me, he used the words society, rules, right and wrong. I raised my hand then and he stopped. I gathered my thoughts for a moment, and then taking a deep breath I talked to him about my past and my changed beliefs.
"I never said anything and then she died", I confessed. "If I had only acted on my emotions!", I added wistfully.
Finishing, I held his gaze.
"This is my truth. What is yours?" I asked and I watched, while slowly, so very slowly, his features relaxed and the shadow of a smile appeared on his face.
"Thank you!" he said. "I will follow my own counsel."
He hugged me strongly and tenderly before I left, like a comrade, like a friend.
I walked the streets, feeling happy again after a very long time. The night had fallen. No moon, myriads of stars. I looked at the magnificent sky and thought that I saw a familiar face smiling down at me. The course of my life changed for the sake of her justice, but I forgave both of us at the end. For the first time I smiled back, the warmth in my heart overwhelming.
"Anything at all for the one you love", I admitted to her, and took the road home.
I happened upon them at the park the other day. They sat on a bench, their hands entwined, her back on Maxwell's chest, his arms around her waist. Their faces shone and their fair eyes smiled, filled with wonders. They greeted me with enthusiasm and we talked for a while. Maxwell was giving a lot more attention to her than to Yuy, but Heero didn't seem to mind at all.
"Will you give us the honor of choosing the name?", he asked me.
I looked at her slightly curved belly. I hope they didn't notice how touched I was.
"The honor is all mine", I answered.
"A girl's name", she smiled, reaching for my hand.
I nodded and blinked a couple of times to clear my vision.
"Meiran", I said, and my voice sounded funny to my ears.