This fic was prompted by a throw-away line in a fic I once read about how Gokudera was busy because Uri had just given birth to kittens. At the time I couldn't help but wonder who the Daddy was. This is my opinion on the matter.
Warnings: Complete and utter crack. Swearing. References to m/m pairings/sex, alludes to beastiality. Nothing is sacred. Nothing.
Who's the Daddy?
Gokudera stared down uncomprehendingly at the six tiny, squirming bundles of fur that lay beside his oh-so innocently blinking box weapon.
Raising his hands, the bomber began rubbing his eyes vigorously in the hopes of dispelling this illusion. Hesitantly cracking open an eye, the Storm Guardian resisted the urge to hit his head off the nearest wall when he noticed that they were still there.
Damn.
"They're so cute!" squealed an over excited Haru from the group to left of him as she bent to gently run her fingers over one of the tiny creatures.
"Haha! I didn't even know box weapons could breed!" laughed a beaming Yamamoto as he too crouched down to play with the kittens.
"Neither did I," hummed Tsuna thoughtfully.
Reborn directed a sadistic smirk towards the shell-shocked bomber from his favoured position seated in the Decimo's hair.
"At this time Box animals are still a mystery to us. We're having to learn as we go along," chuckled the hitman.
Gokudera's eye began to twitch.
Of course it had to be his box animal that answered this particular question. It could't be the Baseball-idiot's, or Lawnhead's. Nope. It had to be his.
Why?
Because God hated him. That's why.
I mean for crying out loud, what the hell was he supposed to do with a litter of kittens?
Scowling fiercely, the silver haired youth glowered at the radiant new mother in her box-bed. Ignoring her master's ire, Uri began to purr happily, content with the admiration that the other occupants of the room were directing at her brood.
"I guess this means we won't be able to rely on Uri in battle for a while..."
On hearing his boss' remark, Gokudera let out a aggravated groan.
"I hadn't even thought of that!" he wailed, tugging at his hair in frustration.
Eyes widening, Tsuna began waving his hands in front of him in panic.
"Hiii! I mean, not that it's a problem or anything!" he babbled frantically as he desperately tried to calm his self-professed right hand man.
"I just wonder who the daddy is?" murmured Haru quietly to herself, ignoring the madness that was taking place behind her as she tickled the still purring Uri under her chin.
An abrupt silence fell on the room as all eyes turned towards the brunette.
Surprised at becoming the sudden focus of everyone's attention, Haru looked around her in alarm.
"Hihi! Did Haru say something wrong!"
"Actually," mused Reborn, "that's a good question..."
"Mrrr?"
Gokudera's eye's narrowed accusingly as Nuts chose that moment to saunter into the room and twine himself around his master's legs.
Freezing in place, Tsuna hesitantly lifted his head to look towards his friend, internally cursing his box-animal's sense of timing. Sensing the homicidal aura rapidly permeating the room, Tsuna stumbled back a step.
"Ah! Gokudera-kun, I'm sure Nuts didn't have anything to do with this!" pleaded the petite boy, as he prayed to any God that might listen that he was telling the truth...
Seemingly oblivious to Tsuna's words, the bomber took a threatening step towards the now cowering miniature lion, sticks of dynamite appearing in both his hands as his temper momentarily overrode his instinct to obey.
"!"
"Huh. Actually I think Tsuna might be right," agreed Yamamoto absently as he frowned down at the little animal in his lap, inadvertently saving Nuts from a painful demise, and Tsuna from a premature heart-attack. "I mean look at these markings. They don't look like anything that either Uri or Nuts has..."
"What are you on about now, moron?" snarled the infuriated Storm Guardian as he stalked over, carelessly secreting his weapons back to their hiding place.
"Here," said the athlete, pointing to the brindled stripes that ran across the small yellow body.
Frowning, Gokudera knelt down for a closer look.
Huh.
The idiot was right. Now that he examined the kitten, the coat pattern really didn't look anything like Uri's spots or Nuts' uniform white.
But did he even know a box animal with stri...
Oh HELL no.
"Gokudera-kun! Are you alright?" asked Tsuna with a worried frown as said Italian began to choke as he recalled a particular incident no so very long ago.
Come to think of it, he distinctly remembered stumbling across a very happy Uri, in her full sized battle form snuggling up happily to the last box animal he ever wanted to see again. Naturally at the time he had immediately dismissed the odd behaviour when said box animal's sociopathic master had started shooting at him.
"I think I need to lie down," whimpered Gokudera as he stumbled to his feet and fled the room, leaving behind three very confused teenagers, one smirking baby and a purring little leopard.
In the depths of the Varia castle, Xanxus lounged in his throne like chair, lazily sipping red wine as Bester lay sleeping at his feet.
"Ushishishi," snickered Bel as he waltzed uninvited into the fire-lit room, "The brat's in Japan have sent you some mail, Bossu."
Bloody orbs narrowed dangerously at his grinning subordinate.
"And why would I care about anything those pieces of Trash have to say?" he growled, sounding eerily like his liger companion.
Bel's grin widened at the question.
"Ushishishi! Trust me Bossu, you might want to read this!"
Snarling his annoyance, the leader of the Varia leaned forwards to snatch the envelope out of the Prince's hands.
"Fine scum, now get out of my sight!"
"Right away~ !" replied the laughing blonde in a sing-song tone as he slipped from the room, leaving a smugly amused aura in his wake.
Dismissing the lingering suspicion that Bel was up to something, Xanxus grumpily turned his attention to the envelope, carelessly ripping it open and spilling the contents onto his lap.
Reaching for another drink, the assassin idly opened the letter, ignoring the pictures that had come with it.
Xanxus,
You owe me child support, you bastard.
Gokudera
And promptly spat red wine everywhere as he read the scrawled message on the paper.
What.
The.
Fuck?
Torn between rage and genuine astonishment at the accusation, the Varia leader turned his attention to the Polaroid's.
In them a tiny leopard-like creature lay in a small cardboard box surrounded by kittens.
Now completely baffled, Xanxus sat back in his chair.
Okay, seriously. What the hell was going on? And more to the point where the fuck does that little shit get off mouthing off to him anyway? And while we're on it, just what the fuck was he even being accused of in the first place?
I mean sure, he'd be the first to admit that he could be pretty deviant at times, but hell, even he had some standards.
Then again... maybe if he was really drunk...
Fuck no. What the hell was he thinking? He was (almost) certain that he had NEVER touched any of those wanna-be Vongola brats. Or their damn pets. Especially their damn pets.
... And even if he had how the hell had someone ended up pregnant out of it?
Slowly Xanxus' furious and very confused glare melted into something more contemplative as he continued to stare at the picture.
Hmm.
Actually now he thought on it... that pathetic little runt of a box animal looked vaguely familiar...
Ah. That's right, wasn't it the box weapon of that piece of trash's right-hand man? He'd seen it when they had run into the brats' a few months back. It had started off small and pathetic, but at some point it had somehow grown into a full sized leopard.
Not that he'd really been paying much attention, he'd been more interested in other things at the time. Like trying to kill said brats.
In fact, the last time he'd even seen the thing is when he'd gone looking for Bester later on and found...
Xanxus froze.
You have to be fucking kidding.
Slowly he lifted up one of the Polaroids, this time shifting his attention to the kittens.
The suspiciously striped kittens.
Rage building, Xanxus' murderous gaze shifted to his Box weapon.
Letting out a wide yawn, the oblivious liger sleepily turned his head towards his master.
"Mrrr?"
Outside the door, a grinning Bel leaned against the wall, listening to the angry growls and sound of breaking glass.
He did so love being the bearer of good news.
Extended Ending
The next morning found a cheery Lussuria cleaning up the mess his Boss had left the room in, a jaunty tune escaping his lips in a whistle while he worked.
My my, Xanxus really had been in a temper last night.
Idly the flamboyant male wondered what exactly had managed to wind his Boss up so badly. He had actually seemed in a fairly pleasant mood earlier (relatively speaking anyway. 'Pleasant' meaning that he had only thrown two empty glasses at Squalo's head over dinner).
Shrugging to himself, the martial artist continued to sweep.
"Oh, what might this be?"
Curiosity piqued, Lussuria bent to pick up the wine soaked letter, gently unfolding the crumpled paper to reveal the smudged writing within.
"Oh my~ !"
Eyes hidden behind sunglasses widened as he scanned the message, before a dreamy look passed over his face and a delighted giggle bubbled out of his throat..
Xanxus and that little Storm Guardian? Who would have thought.
Just wait until he told the others.
Maybe he could convince them to help him throw a baby-shower...
Humming happily to himself Lussuria got back to work, already picking out decorations in his head.
Well... I kinda feel the need to appologise for that nonsense, but the plotbunny just would not stop pestering me... so there you have it. BESTER X URI PWNS ALL! Yes it does!
And no. I have no idea why Lussuria has no problem with the idea that two men somehow managed to have a baby together. He's just special like that I suppose.
Reviews are what keep me warm at night.