Notes: Probably there's lots wrong with this, fact-wise, but hopefully it's still funny.
Summary: To prevent her father's meddling with Fairy Tail, Lucy returns home. But she brings an unwelcome souvenir with her.
The Wyrm Conspiracy
A Fairy Tail Oneshot by
Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)
"I'm glad you're listening to reason, Lucy. It's good that you've decided to grow up into a respectable woman."
There was no reply from his daughter as she stood before him, but Mr. Heartfilia hadn't expected one. Lucy had not said a word to him since she'd returned, communicating with him only through nods of her head. So long as she kept agreeing with him, he had decided that nothing else mattered.
"Let's be clear about your future," he continued. "You will withdraw your membership from that guild, and you will marry Prince Sawarr as soon as his people can arrange it."
At this point, Lucy raised her head and stared into her father's face. "I understand, Father."
He blinked, noting that this was a bit unusual for her, considering her recent actions. "You have no concerns?"
"Will I be allowed to meet with the prince before we are married? I have some questions for him."
"I am sure that can be arranged. He is eager to see you again."
"Yes, I imagine he would be," Lucy murmured.
Mr. Heartfilia nodded and turned away. "Return to your room and rest, Lucy. I'll let you know when the meeting has been finalized."
"Thank you, Father," Lucy replied as she turned and left the room at once.
Two weeks later, Mr. Heartfilia watched with some amusement as Prince Sawarr entertained Lucy with tales of his world travels over dinner. They were quite a sight: his beautiful daughter, obviously dressed to impress (though she would look lovely in anything), and the prince: a short, round, rosy-cheeked man in a suit with a pompous little crown on his head. Lucy played her part well: she seemed very interested in everything the prince said, laughed at his jokes, and even touched his arm lightly far more times than Mr. Heartfilia considered absolutely necessary.
It was only when the dinner dishes were cleared away, and they were relaxing with coffee when the first signs of trouble appeared.
Lucy, for some inexplicable reason, asked what the prince thought of her dress for the evening.
Naturally, the prince instantly agreed that it was quite breathtaking on her.
For some reason, this answer brought an almost predatory gleam to Lucy's eyes. "So you wouldn't mind if I dressed like this all the time, then?"
The prince blinked slowly. "Actually, my home is in a rather warm climate. While your dress is amazing, it might prove uncomfortable if you dressed that way all the time once we're married. To be perfectly honest, I only wear suits like this when I'm away from home."
Lucy grinned at him. "Really! I had no idea!" she said brightly, in a tone that convinced Mr. Heartfilia that she was very obviously lying. "In that case, I'd better make sure to pack all of my summer clothes! Would you like to see some of my outfits? I just love showing them off!"
The prince thought about this for approximately two seconds: Lucy, in summer clothes, which were almost guaranteed to show more of her body than the dress she was currently wearing. "Yes, I'd be delighted to see that!"
Lucy giggled and ran off, leaving the prince quite excited, and her father with a growing sense of impending doom.
Ten minutes later, Lucy returned, wearing a skimpy, light blue, two piece swimsuit and sandals. It did a remarkable job of just barely holding in her charms, in every sense of the phrase (remarkable in that it didn't simply fall off, melt, or burst into flames, given the overwhelming hotness it was being asked to contain).
The prince slipped in a puddle of his own drool, nearly broke his neck, and took over twenty minutes to revive (and ten more to mop up all the blood that had spurted from his nose). After regaining consciousness, he assured Lucy that her swimsuit was quite appropriate dress for his home climate, and even offered to buy her more of them as wedding gifts. Lucy was thrilled. Her father was not.
While the prince was still a bit dazed, Lucy asked if he would mind if she kept her guild stamp. Mr. Heartfilia very nearly interrupted, but the prince, possibly still under the influence of Lucy's charm, quickly told her that it added to her overall exotic appeal, and that she should definitely keep it. Again, Lucy was pleased (to the point where she kissed the prince's sweaty cheek, causing another massive nosebleed), and her father was not.
Lucy Heartfilia married Prince Sawarr a year later.
At least, she would have, if not for two small problems.
First and foremost, she turned out to be pregnant four or five months into their engagement, and as she and Prince Sawarr had not been intimate, there was simply no way that he was the father. This was not a huge problem, at first. The prince, while heartbroken, was still willing to raise Lucy's son as his own.
At first.
But immediately after the baby was born, the child began to develop some disturbing characteristics. He kept inexplicably starting fires in his playroom, and then trying to eat them. No one knew what to make of this.
Lucy did not seem surprised. In fact, considering that she had fire-proofed all of her own belongings, she actually seemed to expect it.
Unfortunately, the warm climate only made it terribly easy to set fires, and Prince Sawarr soon realized that he had to make a choice: marry Lucy and simply invest tons of money in keeping her son away from his valuables, or find another bride. Not surprisingly, he married a nice, normal girl from his own country. Lucy parted from him on good terms, with a promise never to bring her son with her if she chose to visit.
Mr. Heartfilia had not maintained his family's fortune by giving up so easily. He was still determined to see Lucy married off well, and to his shock, Lucy did not protest his involvement.
However, the task proved to be rather challenging. Lucy's son, who she insisted on calling Drake Wyrm Heartfilia, was perfectly content so long as he was near his mother (and inexplicably gumming matchbooks). However, when she left his sight, he was known to have loud, violent tantrums, which often resulted in the complete loss of a room in the mansion due to utter obliteration. Even worse, his appearance simply could not be altered: his pink, spiky hair resisted all attempts to brush, comb, dye, or otherwise style it, and his beady, black eyes seemed to be set in a permanent glare.
Mr. Heartfilia lost three expensive suits (and part of his left eyebrow) before he learned never to pick up his grandson. Even the servants were wary, though Drake was perfectly friendly with them so long as Lucy was holding him.
Naturally, the amount of possible suitors for Lucy decreased rather rapidly. Most lost interest as soon as they found out that she had a child, and the rest were scared away by their first meeting with her (and of course Drake, who accompanied her everywhere).
In under two months, there simply were no more suitors, and after a particularly nasty tantrum by Drake (Mr. Heartfilia had unsuccessfully tried to lock him in an oven while Lucy was napping, which actually proved to be wildly entertaining to Drake for several hours, until he finally had a tummy ache and blew up most of the mansion), there was no longer a Heartfilia fortune, either.
Without being asked, Lucy packed up her things, said goodbye to her father, returned with her son to Magnolia.
Lucy beamed as she stepped off of the train, only to find her teammates (and Juvia) waiting for her.
"Lucy!" Happy cried as he launched himself at her head. "We missed you!"
"Welcome back," Juvia said coolly. "Juvia will now go back to secretly plotting your dem-" she began, but then she caught sight of the baby in Lucy's arms and simply stared with wide eyes.
"I think it's safe to say we're no longer rivals in love, Juvia," Lucy laughed. The laughter died when she spotted Natsu, who was staring at the baby with obvious reluctance.
"S-So the plan worked?" he asked, turning a slight shade of green.
"Yes, it did," Lucy said sweetly. "Natsu, say hello to your son." She thrust Drake into Natsu's arms. "I'm going to take a nap now. I think I'll be up again in a month or so. Erza, after you say hello to Drake, could you help me with my bags?"
"Of course, Lucy." Erza gave Drake several hard, heavy pats on the head (which he did not seem to mind, or even notice), and then quickly went to collect Lucy's luggage and escort her back to the guild.
Natsu was left staring helplessly at Drake (who seemed far too interested in spitting small, black smoke rings at his face) while Happy, Gray, and Juvia looked on. Happy was not sure what to say, having known about the plan but also having been somewhat uncertain about it the whole time. Gray was too busy holding in his uncontrollable urge to laugh in Natsu's face while Erza was still nearby, and could not have been any less interested in losing his clothes (for the moment). Juvia, however, after she'd gotten over her initial surprise, was staring at Drake almost hungrily.
Natsu, desperate as he was to be rescued, noticed right away. "Hey, do you want-"
Juvia all but snatched Drake out of his arms. "Go away. Juvia will hold the baby now."
Drake cooed and began to play with Juvia's short, blue hair, and she held him closer to her face to accommodate him.
For no reason that he could guess, Gray no longer felt like laughing. In fact, he began to feel rather sick, especially when Juvia began trying to catch his eye and wiggling her hips, as if to suggest they were fully capable of (and rather suited for) child-bearing.
Natsu, surprisingly, could not find it in him to laugh at Gray, and instead gave him a sympathetic clap on the back. Or he started to, until he noticed that Gray's shirt was missing.
The End.
Endnotes:
Just one of several plots I dreamed up to keep Lucy in Fairy Tail and out of her father's hands. Not at all meant to be taken too seriously, of course.
I probably don't need to say this, but "wyrm" is an Old English term for "dragon." I suppose "drake" can be as well, for that matter.