Author's Note: Hi! This is my first fan fiction, and it is loosely, (and I mean loosely) based on the song 3am, by Busted (remember them, eh?). It's based on the first few lines. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! It's a one shot. Thanks, TragedyIsTheKey
I do not own The Hunger Games, or the song 3am by Busted.
Update: I'd just like to say thank you to sugarangelcookies for being my first reviewer, and for pointing out that I can't have the lyrics actually in the story. If you want to you, can check them out yourself, like I said, it's only the first few lines, but it isn't necessary to the story and I don't stick to the lyrics. Thank you! (Also, go check out sugarangelcookies's story, 'Unopened Letters'. It's brilliant!)
I Don't Think That My Heart Could Take Much More
Just keep on going. Don't turn back. Don't think. Thinking is dangerous, it leads to doubt, which leads to mistakes and I know that too well. I can't see anything in front of me, just the dark road, illuminated by my headlights and the occasional wisps of rain, caught in the strong wind. Every so often I see a pair of eyes, the light from my car bouncing off of them, causing them to look like cats eyes, startling me in the darkness. A rabbit in the headlights. I guess that's me right now. What is he going to say? Usually, when I do things, I don't think, I just do, and this is one of those times. But like I said, thinking isn't always what it's cracked up to be.
It's when I reach his house that I realise it's 3 in the morning, and I probably look pretty suspicious. I shove this out of mind, because I came here for a reason. I trudge through the downpour of rain, not unusual where I live, to the door of his house, lights in the hallway on, letting me know that someone must be awake; I will just have to hope it's him, not one of his roommates. After coming all this way, all I do is stand there, staring at the door wondering what to do, do I ring the bell? Do I leave? After about 5 minutes, which involves a lot of cursing under my breath, mainly aimed at my cowardice, it's pretty obvious that I can't do anything, so I just stand there and stare, at this old doorbell which if pressed, could change everything or ruin everything. Instead of facing up to make a decision, I just think about what happened the last time I saw this house...
"Why are you always like this?!" He says, raising his voice at me. He untangles himself from me, and stands up. I immediately miss the warmth that his body gives me and almost stretch out my arms in hope for him to return to me, but if he wants to have an argument, I'm going to stand up for myself, and you can't have an argument with someone whilst wrapped in their arms.
"What am I supposed to say? 'I love you'?" How this argument started, I don't know, but seeing as it was usually me, doing something wrong, involving my feelings towards him, we'll just say I screwed up. "You know I can't do that! I can't commit myself to another person. What happens if you leave me?"
"Why do you always use the same arguments?" This was true, but unfair, because if he hadn't started it, then I wouldn't need to use 'the same arguments'. "We have gone over this again and again and you still don't understand that I won't leave you!"
"Who's to say you won't! People change, feelings change, no one can say that they will be there the next day because it doesn't work like that, so when you leave I'm left to pick up the pieces, I saw that happen to my mother, and I can't let it happen to me!" I yell back. When I was younger, my Dad died in a car accident, and I had to watch my Mother lose herself, and become another sufferer of depression. So at 13, I concluded love didn't exist, and it's all just a big cloud of nothing-ness that people get giddy over.
"Katniss," He starts, and pinches the bridge of his nose, warding off some kind of headache I have probably been the source of. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you that I would have to be an idiot to leave you! And I understand about your mother, but what about living in the moment? How do you think I feel? You start to open up, and then before I know it you're closed off again, and I'm at the receiving end of your anger! This thing we have! It can't be one way, and from all of our arguments recently, I don't think my heart can take much more! One way - that's how it's always going to be isn't it! Me loving you, and you unable to see how much pain you're causing me!"
"Well if I'm causing you so much pain, maybe I should just go, leave and never come back. Just disappear so I'm not here anymore!"
"Actually, that won't be any change for me, because if I'm honest, that how it feels being around you at the moment!" I blink away the tears, as much as I can, and run out. "Katniss! Katniss! I didn't mean that! Come back! You know I didn't mean that!" I hear the smash of china plates, or something similar, I ignore it, and fumble around in my handbag looking for my car keys. "Katniss, please!" He's now outside, running up to my car, which I'm sitting in, windows winded up. "Don't you get it? Whatever I do, I can't make you happy." He shouts through my window. I look up into his blue eyes, and see that tears are starting to stream down his pale, kind face. There is no smile on his lips, which is one thing I can always count on, and not seeing it, just builds up the pain in my chest.
Slowly I wind down my window, letting the cold breeze of the evening wash over the tears that are threatening to pour down my face. "I don't know what to do." I choke out, as I look away from his blue eyes, which will surely make me change my mind about running off, and busy myself with emptying the contents of my handbag on my lap, searching for my keys.
"Just stay." I avoid his eyes, because if I look up I know I will end up staying, but I can't. I have to hold my ground. "Katniss, look at me." He says softly, as he puts his hand under my chin, effectively forcing me to look into his eyes. I look up, and see him pleading, begging me to stay, but that's something I can't do. If I stay, I'll hurt him again, and again, and again. I don't think my heart can take much more.
"I can't." As soon as I say this, his hand drops to rest on the door, and his face falls considerably, and I know that I am the cause of it. "I'll bring you more pain, seeing as that is all I seem to be able to do, according to you." If there was any way to make this boy feel even worse, I just did it. I didn't even mean to say that as harshly as it came out. I guess that shows who I am. Why he loves me I have no idea, but whether I will ever be able to love him back? Well, as much as I want to be able to, I can't. Because love never ends well. Why would I want to purposefully put myself in a position that could only ever end in pain?
A stony expression forms on his face and I know that I've hurt him. "Fine, don't try. Just leave me here like you wanted to, and go off and find some new guy and maybe you'll finally understand how I feel, but then it'll be too late for me, won't it?" With that, he picks something up off my lap, shoves it in my hand and walks off, running a hand through his hair. When he gets to his door, he turns around, looks back at me one last time, eyes full with tears, turns back around and slams the door. I don't know how long I sit there. Just staring at the door, but eventually the lights in his hallway turn off and I slowly open up my fist, holding what he gave me, and I notice the imprint my keys have given my hand. After working on the cramp that has riddled my hand numb, I wipe my eyes, stopping the new set of tears about to fall and turn on the ignition in my car and begin the drive home. Sometime during the 20 minute drive, I begin to shake, and sob, letting out all of my anger, frustration and most of all, trying to deal with the ever-growing desire to have Peeta back, to feel his arms protecting me from the world. I have to pull over, but no matter how many deep breaths I take, I can't seem to calm down. I vaguely remember calling my little, well if you count 18 to be little, sister Prim and her face appearing in the rain, outside my door.
All I know is that she must have calmed me down and driven me home, because when I wake up I have a throbbing headache, from all the sobbing, and a longing in my chest, that no matter how many aspirin I take, won't go away. The next morning I feel the same, and the morning after that. This continued for a week until Prim, exasperated with me 'moping' (as she put it) around the house the whole time, spoke up.
"Look Katniss, I'm not going to pretend to have any idea what's going on with you, but I have a pretty good idea about who is involved."
"Prim..." I hoarsely start to say, before she interrupts me.
"I don't care what you are going to say. You need to do something about this! I won't say that you have deep meaningful feelings for him, because no matter what I say, you're going to deny it, but if you are this" – she gestures around to my room, which is full of snotty tissues, and empty ice cream tubs – "upset then you must care about him to some degree! Don't be stupid Katniss." She finishes, and abruptly leaves my room, knocking over several Cookie Dough tubs on the way. It only takes her an hour to come back to me, saying how sorry she is for "being mean". But in my eyes, she is being truthful. So after finishing my last pot of Phish Food, I get dressed and go to the front door, completely unsure of what I'm doing, but determined to get to the bottom of my feelings, I run though the heavy rain and start my car...
"Katniss?" I blink my eyes once, coming out of my daydream and see him standing in front of me, in the doorway to his house. My heart begins to beat against my chest, trying to escape, and the longing in my chest seems to disappear and increase rapidly at the sight of him.
"Peeta." I manage to say. He looks at me expectantly, and I have no idea what I wanted to say to him. I start to stutter and can't seem to get any air to my lungs. "I... I jus-just." I give up and just blurt out the first thing that comes to my head, "I need you." The smile that forms on his lips makes up for all the days that I have missed him.
"Well..." He starts, but I cut him off before he can say anything else, because I don't want to hear it. Me being here, is the best way for me to tell him that I choose him over any life I thought I could have being alone, because I don't think there is any point to life without him. It lets him know that I'm too scared at the moment to work out, let alone say, if I love him, but somewhere inside, I know I do and it will only be a matter of time before I need to let him know.
"Shh..." And I grab him closer to me, and press my lips to his. He seems startled, but quickly regains his composure and puts his hands on my cheeks, as I wrap my arms around his neck. It's only after we break away and he leans his forehead against mine, that I realise we're both soaked from the rain, shivering, and completely and utterly out of breath but nothing will stop me from looking away from those blue eyes. We both stare at each other for a while, drinking in the fact that we're both standing opposite each other, when he starts to chuckle and his breath warms my face.
"Well... Maybe if you would let me finish, I would say that was probably the best kiss in the rain of all time."