I hope you guys enjoy this one-shot. I'm a Glee addict as of this day, but I'm fighting off writing Brittana until I finish my demena stories. Anyway, I know that it sucks that I can't update a lot, and as promised, but my last year in college, last semester at that, I'm working to get out on time. You guys have helped me through a lot,so thanks for reading, you mean the world to me. (Saying that is not weird at all, lol)
Its been like that for years, I don't know what made this one so different.
It's a long story, one I've been contemplating on for years. I've been wondering why after all of what's happened, why is she still the first one I wake up thinking about. Why is she the one that causes me to smile like an idiot, and more importantly, why couldn't I change it? But I guess that's how I felt, how I feel now, about life, and about her. I love her, I can admit that now, but it wasn't as simple to admit last year, or the year before that. I guess I should talk about it more, about her and I, about us, about every possible obstacle that WE and I mean 'we,' put in front of ourselves. It was tough, but it was worth it.
Back when I was sixteen, just two years ago, I transferred into Tribecca Prep from a school just a few bocks away. I was once a student there so I never felt out casted. I did carry my world on my shoulders, and my heart on my sleeve, and it was because of her. Alex and I have been friends for over six years, but that changed drastically last summer. You see, Alex and I were close, more then close. Lets just say we were closer than any friends I knew. That summer, while at the boat house behind my parents summer home, I glanced up at Alex who now blocked my sunlight.
"You're so beautiful Mitchie." The way she was staring at me caused me to blush and nod before looking away. But it didn't matter. Alex sat down next to me with her legs hanging off the boat deck where the jet-skis were held.
"Did you hear me?" she asked, her hand falling onto my knee. My eyes met hers as I nodded. Of course I heard her, but I stayed silent. "I was thinking about something…about us."
"Alex, I want to go out on the water."
"Can we talk first?"
"I'm scared of what you're going to say."
"I'm going to say….," I didn't expect her to stop talking. She moved her hand against my waist, but before I could react her other hand landed against my cheek. She kissed me, her lips warming mine and I could do nothing but sit frozen. She pulled away, smiling gently, but I couldn't react to her. "would you…" she couldn't finish, I got up and ran. Yes, I admit it, I ran. And the rest of the summer was similar to that, me running away from her.
And that brings me to when I went back to school. I was assigned a locker near my old one, but just a hall away from Alex's. It was known for weeks that I was coming back, my dad told everyone. So as I was settling in, placing things where they had to be, I felt a hand tap my shoulder. I turned around quickly to spot Alex waving.
"Back in Waverly I see."
"Yeah," I nodded. I could feel her in the strangest sense of wanting to be close to me. I wanted to be close to her as well but I wouldn't admit it.
"I have an idea. How about you and I go out to dinner tomorrow."
"Can't, my dad wants to make sure my grades are stable from transferring."
"You wouldn't come anyway would you?" Alex was gazing at me, trying to figure me out and I didn't say a word. "Well, ask him anyway, my offer still stands."
My dad had no problems with Alex, and since my mom was doing her catering business, she was away. Normally I'd invite Alex over and we'd stay up all night playing games and talking about our lives, but I didn't feel right doing that anymore, so we spaced ourselves. Alex began to shift through papers that sat in her hands. She was on a committee of sorts with Harper, her other best friend, but not in the way you think. They were just friends, longer then Alex and I really, and I admired their friendship.
"I should get to class, its my first day and all." I pulled a book from my locker, slithering away from the girl I knew wanted me near. Its hard to admit to oneself when they do something wrong, but I just felt it was better this way, to not hurt anyone in the process. Alex didn't stop me, which actually made me relieved. I had math first hour, science second, and English third. During fourth, which was near eleven thirty, I met Harper in the lunch line. She was dressed in a frog outfit, plastic of course.
"Mitchie how does it feel to be back?" She asked, standing in front of me as she grabbed a tray.
"It feels like I never left." A smile trickled its way across my cheeks before I grabbed a slice of pizza.
"You can sit with Alex and I at the normal table. We've added Dean and Zeke into the mix." I watched as the redhead pulled a drink from the ice cart.
"Zeke?"
"Justin's friend."
"Oh." I paid the lunch lady with a five, grabbing my change before trailing behind Harper. "And who's Dean?"
"You have been away for too long. Dean is Alex's boyfriend of five months and…"
"Another one?" My voice broke a bit, and I didn't know why.
"Well I think she loves him, more so then the others. She's committed to him."
"Oh, that's good." I was use to playing on people's emotions, so I smiled. As Harper and I sat at the table, Alex, and those who I assumed were Zeke and Dean walked over and piled in at our four person table.
"Dean, this is Mitchie." Alex made sure his eyes locked on mine, before she glanced away from me and onto my food tray.
"Sup. What's your last name?" Dean, sat close to me, on my left, waiting for my answer.
"Torres. Mitchie Torres."
"Ah' aight, Torres."
"Mitchie's fine," I assured him, but he was already gobbling down some food from his lunch tray. I Faced the boy across the table, "Zeke?"
"Yeah," his eyes grew big, "you know my name?"
"Harper told me. I hope that's okay." Zeke nodded before whispering something to Harper. I felt a bit disconnected for the first time because everyone at the table seemed to mesh together, and I stuck out like a sore thumb. But it didn't take long for me to look up from my food to notice Alex glancing up at me. Dean would say something to her, and she'd nod, laugh, reply, all while never taking her eyes away from mine. It warmed me, but it wasn't right for her to try to flirt with me when she clearly had a boyfriend sitting at her side.
"So Torres," Dean blocked Alex out from the conversation by covering her face with his head, technically sitting in her view of me. "How long have you known my girl Russo?"
"I've know Alex for a few years now." I sipped the soda in front of me as he nodded.
"So you two should be close right?"
"What do you mean?" I asked slightly defensive.
"Like Russo and Harper over there."
"Uh," I was confused as to why he would call Harper by her first name, but leave Alex and I on a last name basis. "I guess you can say we're close." My throat was closing up from even talking about Alex and I. It wasn't because she kissed me during the summer, and it wasn't because she was letting her eyes burn into my soul at that moment. I felt as if I sat at that table any longer, I'd be found out. Or Alex would say something incriminating which would make someone question us. That was my biggest fear, and Alex never knew it. I wasn't ready to be judged, so I blocked her out, like I did most things. When the lunch bell rung, Harper and I stood together, before Alex caught up with us walking across the cafeteria.
"So Mitchie, what are your plans after school?" Although I thought I made myself clear earlier, I shrugged before Harper left Alex and I alone.
"You should come over and let my parents see you."
"Is that the real reason you want me to come over?" I wasn't upset, it was just hard feeling the way that I did.
"Of course, what would be the other reason?"
"You tell me," I whispered.
Fifth was going to start soon, so without another word, I parted ways with Alex, and made it to class on time. The day went by fast, and I was home before I knew it. My dad was on his laptop writing up a few reports for work, so I knew he didn't want to be disturbed. I went to my room and settled myself on my bed. I couldn't start my homework. I was lost at how Alex could have a boyfriend without telling me. It was her right of course, but I would of liked to have known. I stretched on my bed, pulling my layered ruffle skirt to its original position before I laid back on the plush pillows behind me. My mind was losing control, and it wasn't even five yet. Images and talks and visions of Alex flashed through my mind. I never wanted to leave her side, but I didn't want to lead her on either. Although at times, I wish she'd fight harder for me, because maybe I'd break and weaken to her. I know I would.
In the summer of that same year, when Alex and I returned with my parents back in Waverly, we ended up in my room, in this exact same spot, to talk. She didn't open her heart up to me, not more then what she did at the boat house, but she did try to explain her reasoning for kissing me. I was laying on my bed, like I am now, and I tried to let her words soak in. She told me how hard it was for her to be with anyone other then me. She explained why she felt she should of kissed me. And I only laid there and listened. I wasn't going to lose my best friend, so I accepted everything she was telling me at face value. But when she finally stopped rambling, and sat at my waist staring at me… everything became so much more real. I breathed normally, glancing at her with my head turned in her direction. Her eyes, brown as they were, seemed to lift the fog in my chest that made me hold back. I sat up, slightly in a daze, mostly in the moment and hopelessly kissed her. Yes, I kissed Alex, pushing myself into her as her lips made a tingling sensation jolt through my entire body. Alex was kissing me back, her hand falling against my thigh, and I blushed.
But now I'm laying on my bed remembering then in the summer what I freaked out so much about. My mom would accept me no matter what, my dad, I doubt it. I never wanted, nor want to now, to disappoint him and my mother. So I hide who I am, and I shy away from what I want. And I hurt because of it, but I try my best not to admit nor show my weakness to anyone. And although Alex loves me, she was dating Dean, and I didn't know if that meant she moved on, or if she just found a better way of hiding her feelings then me.
"Mitchie you have company!" My dad's voice echoed through the halls as I sat up, brushing my hair with my fingers as I questioned who would come to see me. I patiently awaited whoever was going to come up, but no one did. My dad yelled up the steps a second time, "Mitchie, down here."
"Coming." I pulled myself off my bed, ignoring my shoes, and fixed my skirt once more. Then I was down the steps in no time. My dad hadn't moved from his spot on the living room sofa. He must have been extremely busy. I searched the downstairs area for anyone, but I didn't make out a figure.
"Dad?"
"Outside," he pointed, as I nodded. He could be rude at times, letting people sit on the porch. I bet he didn't even open the door. I slid my fingers over the knob, turning the door before pulling it open. The eyes that met mine were unexpected. I glanced into the dark brown eyes piercing into mine before I stepped out onto the porch.
"Uh, hi." I awaited the boy's response.
"Hey. Its Dean again," he smiled, before walking down a few steps.
"How did you find my house?"
"Alex lives just around the corner from you, and your house is in the path of the school."
"That may be but how did you…"
"Alex," he signaled off to someplace in the air as I nodded confused.
"Is there something you need or?"
"Alex went to Harper's for something so I thought talking to you would be better then staying at her house until she got back."
"And you don't find this weird at all?" I asked as I crossed my arms. Harper, Alex and I basically lived houses away from one another. But Harper lived down the next block, but I decided to humor the brunette boy on my porch.
"I heard you and Russo have a long history."
"Um, I told you we were friends." I sat on the top granite step, but Dean stood three steps down.
"Yeah I know you two were friends, but then a mess of things happened and now you two avoid each other."
"We don't avoid each other, and what's the mess of things you're talking about?"
"Lets not beat around the bush…"
"What does that mean?" I wondered if this boy made a job out of confusing people.
"It means lets not play games, and I'll explain why I'm really here."
"Oh, okay." I crossed my fingers together, placing them on my knee as Dean took another step lower.
"Its nice that you're back at Waverly, but when you were gone you're all Alex talked about."
"Really?" I asked, not trying to blush.
"But now you're back and its worse. You know how hard it is to make out with someone who continues to talk about their friends?"
"I…"
"But then I realized something, you and Alex had to of had something going on, because no one speaks of their friends the way Alex goes on about you."
"I'm…sorry?" I made a weird face as Dean finally stopped moving, he was eye level with me, but at least six steps away.
"Did you ever have something going on with Alex?"
"That's none of your business."
"So is that a yes?"
"No, its none of your business."
"I found something in her room the other night," Dean began to dig in his jean pocket as I wondered why he was doing this. I kept my cool, but at the same time I was nervous of him speaking so loud because my dad was in the living room, and he could possibly hear everything.
"Dean," I stood, walking down to his level, just to make sure my dad was out of ear shot. "There wasn't, or isn't anything going on between Alex and I." But he didn't stop shifting through his pocket. He finally pulled up a piece of paper and unraveled it.
"Does this look familiar to you?" He rose a light pink piece of paper up, about the size of a note card.
"No," I shook my head.
"Well it was in a book in Alex's room, and it says…" he skimmed the note with his eyes as I nervously watched him. I honestly didn't see the letter before, but I was scared that he would do something worth letting my dad hear.
"Dean I didn't,.."
"Ah, it says, Mitchie I don't understand why you push me away. It hurts to know that you're giving your heart to a person who doesn't feel the same way. To say I love you, only to be shot down with words you don't want to hear. Well listen to this, I love you..and I will always love you. But if you don't love me back, it's a pain I'm willing to live with for the rest of my life." Dean made sure to fold the letter up neatly, before he glanced down at me. He was at least three inches taller then me.
"I've never seen that," I felt a lump forming in my throat.
"So you've never…"
"No." I shook my head, but in order to play this off, I decided to act surprised. "I never knew she felt that way…about me." I whispered before Dean nodded.
"Maybe I shouldn't of…but it still doesn't make a difference, Alex has feelings for you. Maybe it'll be best if you just stay away from her."
"What?"
"I love her. I want to be with her. Her love for you needs to be overshadowed by her love for me, and until then, you should stay away from her."
"I…"
"This is your warning."
I couldn't believe that a boy I didn't even know, was threatening me as if it was his right to judge for Alex's heart. As he left my house, I still stood confused on to how he knew where my house was, I was a bit shaken up. I didn't know Alex wrote those words down. She said them to me, and I honestly didn't see them on paper. But that sinking feeling in my gut, well, it was hurting bad. I turned to make it back into my house, and when I noticed my dad, he was still working.
"Who was that boy?" He asked without looking up.
"Alex's boyfriend."
"Why did he come to see you?"
"I don't know," I shrugged, "he wanted to ask me something."
"You're not messing with your friend's boyfriend are you?"
"Ew, gross dad. What kind of girl do you think I am?" I asked, heading back up the stairs. "He-he's only concerned for Alex." My room was a safe haven for me. I was able to be scared, hurt, and crying all in the same place, without anyone knowing. My room was my sanctuary.
The following two days, I admit that I did as Dean asked, I avoided Alex. At lunch I didn't eat with the group, and at the end of the day I'd go home. But around three thirty on my second 'avoid Alex day, she came to my house unannounced. She knocked on my door, rung the doorbell and even called out to me, before I answered.
"Mitch, is your dad home?"
"No, why?" My eyes fell onto her shirt, which I for a fact knew she didn't wear a v-neck top to school today. I glanced away as she pushed herself in. I let her.
"Have you been avoiding me?" She didn't ask me that directly, she was glancing around the house.
"Kind of."
"What did I do now?" She asked, finally facing me.
"Nothing."
"No tell me, because whatever I did, I'm possibly sorry."
"Possibly?" I asked, laughing as she nodded. "You didn't do anything."
"Your place looks different."
"Yeah. My mom decorated it before she left for Paris."
"Without us?" Alex gasped as I giggled nodding. It was our dream as kids to go to Paris, but it seemed lost in the wind now. "Harper told me she saw Dean lurking the halls in school."
"Creepy."
"I agree, but the weird thing was, she said he was watching you."
"Me?" I felt a chill go through my spine before I regained my composure.
"Yeah, and I asked him why during lunch and he didn't have a clear answer."
"Oh." My eyes fell to the floor.
"Do you know why?"
"Why what?"
"Why he's watching you?"
"No," I shook my head.
"Mitchie," Alex slid her hand in between mine without a second thought. I faced her before pulling away. "I saw him over here two days ago, showing you something, what was it?"
"You're watching me now too?"
"Answer my question."
"He was over here, asking me about you."
"And?"
"And…he was asking about us."
"Us?" Alex was confused, I could read it on her face.
"Yeah, he told me that he loves you and.."
"He said he loved me?" She asked, blushing as my stomach turned from the way she was sort of thrilled by my words.
"Yeah."
"And what about us?"
"Nothing I guess."
"Mitchie, what did he say to you?" Alex was now reaching for me again, but I retreated.
"He asked me if we…if we ever had anything going on."
"And you said?" She sounded eager to find out my answer.
"I said of course not."
"So you lied?"
"Alex we never had anything going on." I think my words is what hurt her most. I think my denial is what caused her to bite her bottom lip.
"Anyway, what was he showing you?"
"A note or something, about… what you told me the day I transferred schools. About living with the pain of… of loving me."
Alex didn't really react much to me telling her he found the note, but her face was torn. I stayed silent as the house door opened and my dad spotted the two of us.
"Hey girls, Alex would you like to stay for dinner?" I was surprised my dad remembered her name. He never remembered anything really.
"I um, I have to meet Dean." Alex turned on her heels to leave but my dad spoke.
"You can bring him over. He seems to be friends with Mitchie as well."
"Really?" Alex asked, facing me as I shrugged. I didn't mind if she invited him over, I'd do anything to not feel lost between myself and her.
"So will you be staying for dinner?" My dad asked once more.
"Sure, if Mitchie can come with me to my house until its ready."
"No problem." My dad waved me away as Alex stretched her hand out to me. I didn't get it, was she mad at me or was she not. I took her offer, placing my hand into hers, which after a few seconds I realized was a bad idea. We left out the house, with Alex holding on to me tight.
"Are you mad and having a slight stroke or…" I began asking her, but she stopped in her tracks when we turned the corner, barley releasing my hand, before out of the blue, she kissed me, and I meant kissed me. I was taken aback that I knocked into the tall gate behind me. She kissed me, still holding my hand. Her lips were paralyzing me, and I could feel myself getting dizzy. I began breathing hard, her lips were working at mine trying to part them, but when I felt her tongue against me, I shook away, but her hand was still between mine. I held my loose hand against my bottom lip, before Alex gave me a sly smile, and tugged me along with her. I didn't know if I should run, although I wanted to, or if I should just let myself stay dazed. Upon arriving at Alex's, Dean was actually there, talking to Justin about who knows what. He spotted Alex's hand between mine before she released me at the steps.
"Dean, we're having dinner at Mitchie's place."
"We are, are we?" he asked, his eyes staying on mine.
"Yes, so be nice." She told him, before she ran into the house. I held my balance by holding onto the porch railing. Justin waved to me as I smiled and waved back. But Dean was another story.
"Mitchie, I thought we had an agreement."
"Alex was the one that came to my house." I assured him, but he didn't care, my words were like wind to him. When Alex was back outside, she grabbed Dean's hand and mine, before we marched towards my house. I felt sick. I couldn't explain what it was. I didn't know if it was Dean trying to threaten me, or if it was the fact that my heart was burning and aching from being this close to Alex again. And my stomach was making the situation no better.
At dinner, Dean sat next to Alex, and I with my dad. We spoke casually across the table until my dad received a phone call which he decided to take in another room. But that was kind of a scary mistake, because Dean hit the table before facing Alex.
"I don't want to be lied to." He told her, "what's going on between you and her?"
"Mitchie and I? What do you think is going on?" Her voice irritated him, and I was already scared considering not only were we talking about Alex and I, my dad was just in the other room.
"Alex listen, I love you, and I don't want you to get hurt, nor myself."
"Harsh," she joked, but he didn't smile with her.
"What is going on between you two?"
"Trust me, nothing is going on."
"But you wrote a letter to her," Dean dug in his pocket, slamming the note on the table as I stood. "I'm not done with you yet," he pointed at me.
"You're too loud," I told him.
"So that's what this is?" he asked, "your dad doesn't know, so you two wanted to cover this up by playing with someone else's heart?"
"Dean I would never do that." Alex told him, grabbing his hand which caused me to look away.
"I can see it in her eyes." He told Alex. "She loves you."
"What?" I whispered, of course I wasn't going to say no I didn't, because I did love her.
"Dean, she loves me as a friend." Alex tried to calm him down but he was still shifting in his seat. I was watching the door for my dad, but it was difficult to do since he could still hear outside of the dining room.
"Torres," Dean called to me, "I will stop this if you tell me that you don't love Alex. And, you have to tell Alex herself that you don't love her."
"Why should I have to do any of this to make you feel better?"
"So you admit that you and her have something going on?"
"I didn't say that, you did." I told him, as he pulled his hand out of Alex's and stood.
"Dean just calm down." Alex pleaded.
"Why should I. Its clear that she loves you and…," he faced the girl to his left. "Do you love her still? Like in that note? Do you love her more then me?"
"Dean, you've given me your heart and love…"
"But its still not enough compared to what you want from her." He signaled over to me as I made it over toward the archway. I was slightly afraid to find my dad listening to us, but then again I was more afraid of Dean at this moment.
"Dean…"
"Tell me if you love her more then me. Tell me if she's given you more then what I have."
"You've given me your heart. And I know you love me…" Alex's words made everything in me shift and hurt. "I've given you my heart, and you know I love you. I do, I love you, that's all that should matter."
"But you still love her?" He asked.
"Of course I love her. I could never not love her, but I'm with you…and only you."
I was the one that pushed Alex away, and as she spoke about me, and about how she loved him, I felt as if I was going to break. I felt as if I was the one on the losing end.
"Alex what is it that I can give you that she can't?"
"You did give me something that she never had. When I told you that I loved you..you told me you loved me back. I never gotten that."
I felt horrible now. I didn't want to hurt Alex, nor hurt Dean and he was being such a loser at this moment because he was forcing things out of us that we didn't even talk to each other about. I turned my back towards the archway before Dean and Alex stepped away from the table.
"Do I mean more to you then her?" Dean asked, before Alex brushed her fingers across his cheek. "And if I do mean more to you then her, is it because I told you that I loved you?"
I was tired of just standing there as if I wasn't in the room. I took a step towards the table as Alex pulled away from dean a bit. I glanced at the floor before looking up between the two of them, and staring at Dean.
"I do love her." I told him firmly, unafraid of his wrath at that moment, then I faced Alex. "I do love you, more then anything. But I'm scared to always admit that. Because I'm scared of the consequences."
The room grew silent, and I knew my dad had stepped into the room. Tears forced themselves to my eyes but I pushed them away.
"You guys should leave." My dad moved out of the room before Dean let his eyes fall onto Alex, and then onto me.
"But Dean… she's your girlfriend, and I would never want to take her away from you." My voice broke as tears welled in Alex's eyes.
"Mitchie why couldn't you tell me this before?" She asked before I shrugged. Dean slid his hand into Alex's, and before I knew it, they both were gone. I felt more then sick, I felt ill. I just gave her away, without even fighting for her, and although I always wanted her to fight for me, it felt as if someone else was fighting harder to keep her. I stepped into the hall to spot my dad, his mouth sealed tightly shut as his eyes worked around my face. I could imagine him raising his hand to slap me, I could imagine him wanting to lock me in my room for all eternity, but he didn't. His eyes were concerned.
"Do you love her?" He asked.
"Dad?" I was lost, was he really asking me this.
"Do you love her?"
I nodded, finally letting a few tears grace my cheek.
"Then you have to fight for her. Because I can tell she loves you too. More then she loves him. And if he really cares about her. Then he'll let her be happy."
"I don't want to hurt anyone dad."
"No matter what Mitchie, either its you or him. Someone is bound to get hurt." I nodded, walking down the hall, only to stop at the stairs. The front door was open, a figure lurking outside. I watched as Alex stepped back into the house, her hand folded and tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Alex I'm so…"
"Listen Mitchie. Dean really did love me." Her tears continued to fall.
"I know." I whispered.
"But I loved you first, and I love you now. And I never stopped loving you."
I nodded, not trying to let all these feelings in me take over my body.
"Dean…he understood that. Although he was hurt. But like my letter, it puts you in pain to know that you're giving your heart to someone who doesn't love you back."
"I know." I stepped up to Alex, brushing a fallen tear away, "I felt it. I felt as if..," I took a deep breath, "I felt that since you had Dean, you didn't love me anymore. And so I felt it…what you felt. The pain of loving someone that might not love you back."
"But I do love you."
"And..," I let my tears stream free, "I love you too." She pulled me into her, kissing me as hard as she ever had, and I let her. I can't explain how I felt, having her embrace me without being afraid. My dad, in that moment he couldn't of done anything any better. With just a few words he made me want to fight for the girl I loved. But she was the one who fought harder.
That was two years ago, like I stated in the beginning. And now we're going strong, we're both graduating in a few days, and after that, we're moving. Alex was going to propose to me weeks ago, but I beat her to the punch line, and now we're moving to a place that will let us be together, and live as a couple, married, and happy. I don't want to say that leaving Dean was easy for Alex, because it wasn't. And even though her heart was half-way into the relationship with him, I still felt bad. But now he's dating another girl, who I know for a fact, loves him one hundred percent. And no, its not Harper.
Love is hard, and sometimes impossible. But if you fight for it long enough. And if you believe in it hard enough, your love will defy all obstacles. Because I never thought Alex and I would be together. I thought only in death would I be able to have her as my own. But I was wrong. I always thought she was the one that should of fought harder for me, but it was a fact, that it was I, that needed to fight harder for her.