Disclaimer: Again: don't own Stephenie Meyer's books, don't claim any rights to them, don't want to, not making any profit, just here for presenting the public with an honest & condensed version of her works.
A/N: Credit goes to iSparkle Ma for thinking up the title and Edward's line, "Do I dazzle you, bitches?"
A Romeo and Juliet Allegory Featuring Catatonia and Impending Necrophilia
otherwise known as
New Moon
BELLA: (Takes a deep breath) --Angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst, angst….--
--Enter ALICE.
ALICE:Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE AND DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTANCE.
ALICE: But—
BELLA: --Bitch, bitch, bitch--
--Enter EDWARD.
BELLA: (Noticing EDWARD in mid-bitch) --Bitch, bitch, bi-- O swoon! Lo, 'tis the marble-skinned god who holds my tender heart in his marble hands!
EDWARD (seductively): Happy birthday, Bella.
BELLA: Oh…well, I would bitch at you, too, but since you are the marble-skinned god who holds my tender heart in your marble hands, I shan't do such a thing. (She turns to ALICE.) --Bitchsnarlgrowl--
ALICE: Erm…look, I'm just trying to wish you a sincere 'happy birthday'—
BELLA: (To ALICE) PISS OFF. (To EDWARD) O swoon! Marble-skinned god!
EDWARD: I am seductive, no? You see my seductive amber eyes, no? You hear my seductive, purring voice, no? You are seduced, no?
NON-FANGIRL READERS: No.
Here, EDWARD introduces a PLOT POINT, which THE AUTHOR wants everyone to believe is really just an IRRELEVENT ASIDE.
PLOT POINT: The Volturi are EVIL vampires who reside in Italy. EVIL. They are EEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLL and will KILL anyone who pisses them off!
BELLA: Huh?
PLOT POINT: Oh, nothing. Just forget about it until it's convenient to remember me.
BELLA: Okay!
Here, BELLA and THE COLLECTIVE CULLENS bond. In the process, BELLA puts her conveniently-timed clumsiness to good use by giving herself a paper cut. EDWARD, noticing the single drop of blood produced by the wound, proceeds to make the situation approximately 396 ½ times worse by performing a poorly thought-out attempt to protect her from JASPER CULLEN, who, for the convenience of the plot, still possesses a powerful lust for human blood. EDWARD shoves BELLA onto a stack of glass plates, which SHATTER and SLICE OPEN BELLA'S ARM FROM WRIST TO ELBOW.
FANGIRL READERS: Oh, brave and noble Edward for protecting Bella from the rampant bloodlust of Jasper!
NON-FANGIRL READERS: Dumbass.
Here, THE COLLECTIVE CULLENS decide that the time is ripe for them to become nomadic, so they prepare to high-tail it out of Washington because they are too much of a danger to BELLA. EDWARD drags BELLA out into the damp, cold, and generally unpleasant Washington night and tells her he's abandoning her for the rest of her natural life. He then proceeds to do just that. Because BELLA is simply incapable of doing anything intelligent, she enters Über-Emo Mode™ and wafts willy-nilly around the pitch-black Washington woodland for a few hours until a PARK RANGER (who crops up again later in the book, but won't be further referenced here for the purposes of condensing) drags her sorry ass back to her FATHER'S house.
BELLA then proceeds to spend four solid months as the poster girl for catatonic angst.
BELLA: --Catatonic angst--
THE AUTHOR now kills a round dozen trees by writing over 200 pages of alternating fluff and angst, which can, and will, be summed up thusly: BELLA and JACOB BLACK bond, and BELLA discovers that JACOB is a WEREWOLF.
READERS INCAPABLE OF DEDUCING ELEMENTARY-LEVEL FORESHADOWING: NO! Jacob Black?!111? A WEREWOLF?!11!?
READERS CAPABLE OF DEDUCING ELEMENTARY-LEVEL FORESHADOWING: Gee, that's only been essentially FLAT-OUT REVEALED since he was introduced in the previous book.
Here, BELLA decides that cliff-diving right before a storm sounds fun and will improve her life, and so without a thought to the raging ocean currents, she pitches herself off a cliff. As she does so, THE AUTHOR puts ALICE'S deus ex machina—er, her ability to have physic visions—to good use by having her see BELLA pitch herself off said cliff, causing THE COLLECTIVE CULLENS to believe that BELLA has committed suicide. Sadly, this is not the case.
ALICE flits back over to Washington and appears in BELLA'S house. This is where the PLOT POINT crops up, ringing bells, waving flags, and dancing naked.
ALICE: Oh, hey, Bella. Edward thinks you're dead, and since he isn't capable of continuing to exist if you're dead, he's gone to Italy to piss off the Volturi.
BELLA (thinking she is LUKE SKYWALKER): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CYNICAL READERS: But apparently he can handle totally abandoning her for the rest of her natural life. The hell?
Sure enough, EDWARD has carted his marble ass over to Italy. ALICE and BELLA skip on over to Italy as well to prevent EDWARD from committing VOLTURI-ASSISTED SUICIDE.
At high noon, EDWARD stands in a RANDOM ITALIAN PLAZA, preparing to DAZZLE the general Italian public by stepping into THE SUN.
EDWARD: Shadows of tortured angst beneath eyes? Check. Angelic expression? Check. Marble- sculpted chest bared? Check. Stance of tragic determination? Check. Preliminary gleam in place? Check. Noble brow? Check. Bells of doom tolling ominously in the background? Check. Sappy Shakespearean quote at the ready? Check.
EDWARD begins to move into the DRAMATIC SUNLIGHT.
EDWARD: Do I dazzle you, bitches?
SARCASTIC READERS: EDWARD! NOOOOOOOO! DON'T GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!
BELLA: EDWARD! NOOOOOOOO! DON'T GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!
The force of BELLA'S TRUE LOVE shatters EDWARD'S SHEER DESOLATION, and he stops moving into the LIGHT. As BELLA runs towards EDWARD in slow motion, SAPPY MUSIC swells. As the two coo at each other like lovesick (or possibly just sick) pigeons, a pair of VOLTURI pop up and round up BELLA, EDWARD, and ALICE and take them to the VOLTURI'S villa, where BELLA & CO. meet the entire VOLTURI clan.
THE VOLTURI: EVIL. We are EEEEEEEEEEVVVVIIIIILLLLLLL vampires with SPOOKY mannerisms and UNSETTLING gazes and superspecialscarypowers!
The gist of the encounter with the VOLTURI is that BELLA is SPESHUL and destined to become a VAMPIRE, the latter of which EDWARD disapproves of quite vociferously. After said encounter, BELLA & CO. return to Washington, where EDWARD and BELLA promise to love each other forever and ever and to never leave each other.
THE AUTHOR then wraps up the book by dumping approximately 3.14 tons of plot points on the readers, which can be summed up succinctly by saying merely that there is going to be MUCH ANGST in future books. Also NECROPHILIA, which is just icky, even if the stiff does have seductive amber eyes.