A Higher Power
Missing Scene – Talking to Jack

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty. Author Unknown

Aaron threw the holdall onto the back seat of the car and got in the driver's seat. He sighed heavily as he started the engine and pulled out of the FBI underground car park. As he drove up the ramp into the early morning Quantico traffic, he flicked through his CD's. He needed to play something to take his mind off the task ahead.

He was so looking forward to seeing Jack. He didn't want to feel nervous about talking to his little boy. He didn't feel this scared when he stood up and delivered a profile, or questioned a serial killer. But this little boy was central to his life, and he had to get the words right.

He selected '80's Classics' and hit 'play'. Kim Wilde sang about being kids in America.

Damn.

He hit 'stop' and drove in silence and thought about how he had let this happen. Where had it started?

Well, that was easy. When he had missed the hospital tests. No. He hadn't missed. He had totally forgotten. How had he forgotten? Even when Haley had confronted him at work, he still hadn't remembered! And it was for Jack.

"While they were sticking electrodes on his body, he was wondering where his Daddy was." she had said. He was more likely wondering if they were going to McDonalds after. It was just Haley's way of making him hate himself.

Well, she had succeeded there. He only ever felt this level of self loathing when he thought of how he had hurt and let down his little boy. He felt tears prick behind his eyes as he remembered the guilt and shame of that day. Then everything in that case had seemed to point an accusing finger straight at him.

Kids everywhere. Celebrating in the park, playing games in the garden. When he had shot that UnSub in the shoulder, how he had wanted it to be a head shot. He was holding a hunting knife at a little boy's throat. They were kids, for god's sake!

"Have you never made a mistake?" the UnSub's mother had asked him.

Oh God yes. I've surely made a mistake.

Suddenly it was his own childhood laid out in front of him. He had vowed he would never hurt his son like his Dad had hurt him. Unconsciously, his hand felt the raised scar on the side of his head. He could remember that day clearly too. Sean had gone into Dad's workshop, which was forbidden. It was either Aaron tell Dad it was Sean, or Aaron take the punishment.

He hadn't seen the axe handle before his Dad raised it over his head and brought it crashing down on the kitchen table. Aaron remembered jumping, and he saw Sean run upstairs into the bathroom. He heard the door lock. His Mum cowered helplessly in the corner. She would hold him after.

"WHO?" he raged drunkenly. Aaron saw the axe handle raise again, and he watched it as it came down in slow motion.

He woke up in hospital in his Mum's arms.

No. Never would he hurt little Jack like that.

Instead, he was ripping his happy stable world apart and hurting him in quite another way.

I am not going to lose Jack.

"All he needs to know is that you love him." Rossi had wisely said. Aaron needed to make sure he did know that.

He pulled into the car park and drove to the opposite end where there were no other cars. He parked, and reached over to the back and pulled the holdall over the back of the seat. He set it down and opened the zip.

How he had despised absent parents who tried to 'buy' their child's affection by bringing them presents on their visits.

Now he was having to reassess that feeling. It was impossible not to take a gift to Jack. It wasn't to buy affection; it was to assuage his own guilt. He understood that now. Even if he couldn't go home with Jack and kiss him goodnight, maybe Jack would see the gift and remember Daddy. He began to cry, and fiercely got it under control. That self indulgence was for later.

Another car pulled into the car park and stopped parallel to him about six spaces away.

Oh for goodness sake, it was like a hostage exchange.

Well he wasn't going to be a party to such ridiculous childishness.

He got out of the car and started to walk across to Haley's mother's car. The back door opened, and his Jack climbed out.

"Daddy!" he squealed, and he ran towards him on his chubby little legs.

"Jacky-Boy!" Aaron knelt down on the cracked asphalt and stretched out his arms. As he ran towards him, he saw the sun pick out gold in his unruly hair, his eyes flashing with excitement.

And then he was there. He wrapped his arms around the little boy's body and held it tight against him. He felt Jacks little hands on his neck and Jack's face against his, and suddenly nothing else in the world mattered.

Don't cry, Aaron. Remember, later. Not now.

"I'll be back here in one hour." Haley's mother.

The spell was broken.

Aaron raised a hand in acknowledgement, and scooped Jack up into his arms.

"I've brought a picnic, and we can go to the swings. What would you like to do first?"

"Swings Daddy! Swings first!" His eager little body jumping in Aaron's arms.

"Ok Little Man Cub! Swings first it is!"

Aaron held his boy at arms length and swung him round to screams of delight.

"There's one to be going on with." He set Jack down on the grass at the edge of the car park. "But through there are the real swings. Let's run!"

He took the tiny hand in his big one and pretended to run, while Jacks little legs pumped with a ferocious energy that only the very young posses. When they were near the swings, Aaron collapsed onto the grass in mock exhaustion.

"Hey Jacky-Boy! You're too fast for me!"

Jack climbed onto Aarons chest and looked down into his eyes.

"Please, swing, Daddy!"

Aaron grabbed his son and climbed to his feet. There was no one else here, so they didn't have to wait. Aaron sat Jack in a swing made of a tyre with a wooden board bolted on, and a cage with a strap attached. When he was securely fastened in up to the latest safety standards (the only way to make this swing safer, Aaron thought, would be to ban it altogether.) Aaron pushed him gently. Jack pulled a face.

"What it it, Man Cub. Don't you like it?"

"Bigger, Daddy. More bigger swing!"

Aaron laughed and pushed him higher. The higher he went, the more excited he became. When Aaron's arms were aching fit to drop off, Jack said,

"Picnic, Daddy!"

With relief, Aaron lifted his little boy out of the swing, and they started back to the car.

"Do you want to run, Man Cub?"

"Daddy tired."

Well son, you sure got that right. My arms are actually shaking! I had no idea pushing a swing was so exhausting!

Aaron got the bag from the car, and Jack helped him carry it to some grass between the trees. He took out a blanket and laid it on the grass, and Jack sat on it. Aaron then got out some fruit, a jelly, and some chocolate biscuits and sweets.

Hey! Who ever said a picnic had to be healthy!!

Jack chose a banana, and after Aaron started to peel it, Jack munched on it happily. Aaron bit into an apple.

Here goes!

"Hey, Jacky-Boy. You might have noticed how I've not been home so much these days."

Jack put down the banana and rested his hands in his lap. He looked up into his Daddy's eyes and waited. Aaron wanted to take him in his arms and say he was coming home, and would never leave him and...

Instead he said, "I'm not going to be around so much now, but I want you to know that I love you all in the world, and that will never change."

Aaron felt tears again and blinked them away. His son stood up and crossed the blanket and hugged Aaron.

"Everything be alright, Daddy."

Aaron wanted the embrace to last forever.

He glanced at his watch over Jack's Shoulder

Ten minutes.

"When you've finished eating, I've got a little present for you."

Jack unwrapped his arms from Aaron's neck and sat back down.

"You want this now?" Aaron picked up the banana.

"Choclick please." Eyes shining.

Aaron unwrapped a chocolate bar and gave it to Jack and marvelled at how much mess a small boy could make with such a small source. Aaron experienced the feeling of delight that only an absent parent can feel when they send the child home covered in 'something'.

He took the present out of the holdall and gave it to Jack. It was a cuddly car made of slightly furry material.

"Car!" Squeaked Jack, cuddling it to himself.

"Hey, look at this, Man Cub. Press his nose..." Aaron pressed the 'nose' , "And it glows. So when you are in bed, you can press his nose, and it's like me, kissing you good-night."

Jack pressed the nose a few times and watched the light do on and off, laughing every time.

Aaron let out a shaky breath. He liked it.

While Jack broom-broomed the car on the grass, Aaron put everything back in the holdall.

"Grandma will be back to fetch you and take you home to Mummy in a minute." Aaron struggled to keep his tone cheerful. "We had better get back to the car."

"K Daddy."

With the car under one arm, the other hand in Aarons, face covered in squished banana and chocolate, they walked back to the car park.

Grandma was already there, leaning on the back of her car, face like razor blades, tapping her watch.

"You're late!"

'Old witch! Wicked Witch of every direction.' Aaron thought childishly. He was learning from the best.

He knelt down on the ground and held his little boy tight in a good-bye hug.

"I love you, Little Man Cub. Don't ever forget that."

"Love you Daddy."

No crying yet. Not yet...

"It's time to go!" Haley's mother. Never one to waste words. Aaron released Jack, and watched Jack walk to her, holding out the car for her to see.

"Look! Car!" he said, taking her hand.

As they started to walk away, Jack turned and waved.

Aaron's heart broke.

He stayed there, kneeling on the ground as he watched the car with his son in drive away, then he stood up, unlocked his car and threw the holdall onto the back seat of the car and got in the driver's seat.

He folded his arms across the steering wheel and rested his head on his forearms.

He cried heavy tears until the sleeves of his shirt and jacket were wet through, then he cried some more. He sobbed and choked for his loss and his inadequacy and his grief. He cried because he couldn't change things and he wept for his broken heart.

I am so sorry, Little Man Cub. I am so sorry. I love you so much, please understand...

Gradually he calmed and the tears stopped. His breathing was ragged and uneven. he raised his head and looked at himself in the mirror. He had planned to drive straight to the airport and get a plane to Pittsburgh, but he needed a shower and a change of clothes first. He looked shattered.

He wiped his face with on the front of his jacket, and started the car, and headed back towards Quantico.