What I'm Worth
Authors Note: Well I'm not completly satisfied with how this turned out, but I had to write something after watching the last episode of the season. I had a feeling Balthazar was going to get killed by Castiel, but I was hoping I was wrong :( He's become one of my favorite characters, and I'm sad to see him gone so soon. I haven't even gotten a full handle on his character yet! Anyway let me know what you guys think!
In my final days I took a lot of time to think. A lot of time to decide where I was going to fit in this war.
From the beginning I knew I was on Castiel's side. There is no side I'd rather be on. There is no side that is safer for me.
I have fought by Castiel's side for centuries. He was always the one I looked to for guidance in times of trouble. Whenever I questioned my orders I simply looked toward Cas; if he was doing it, then so would I. I trusted his judgment to get me through, and it always did.
In my final days I doubted him.
It started when the Winchester's summoned me. Those boys are like small children, the way they're always calling on the angels for help. 'Oh Castiel, would you please come and tie my shoes for me, I seem to have forgotten how.' Perhaps they should learn to take care of their own affairs.
Anyway, it should come as no surprise that I wasn't in the mood for a call from the Winchester's. Of course it came with useful information; sadly it was the information that caused my downfall.
Learning that I had been lied to by my oldest friend, my only friend, my brother, I admit it stung. Why did he lie to me? Why did the Winchester's know when I didn't? Why do they always seem to know what I don't?
At the time I just wanted to talk to Cas, but I didn't go directly to him. I had to think first.
If what the Winchester's said was true, would I stand by Castiel? Did I have a choice? Would he kill me if I didn't?
I didn't know.
Because I didn't know how much I was worth to Cas.
I knew what he was doing was stupid for many reasons, but of all the things I was worried about, I was most worried about him exploding. Losing the war I could deal with, losing Castiel after having just found him was something I couldn't do. Of course, if the war is lost, then so is Castiel.
It took a day or so for me to confront Castiel, I tried to take some time to see what I could figure out, and as I suspected the Winchester's seemed to be telling the truth.
The conversation got us nowhere. In the end I said I was on his side, but I didn't feel right about it.
I had always followed Castiel, but all of a sudden I found myself questioning his judgment. If he was hiding things, it meant he wasn't sure of himself.
I wanted to tell him he was wrong, that I was willing to ally with the Winchester's with him, but I didn't.
I wanted to tell him I was afraid for him. I wanted to tell him I loved him. But I didn't say that either.
I left, and I went to see the Winchester's. Seeing them put me in a foul mood all over again. If I had to name one person I hated more than anyone, it would be Dean Winchester. I hate that he manages to put every problem he has on Castiel's plate. I hate his cocky attitude and snarky comments. I hate him for ignoring Castiel's problems. And I hate him the most because I know Castiel favors him and always will.
Regardless of my hatred for Dean, I agree to join them. If anyone has a chance of saving Cas, it's Dean Winchester.
I disappear for awhile after that. I do some tasks for Castiel, but mostly I think about what will happen if Castiel figures out what I agreed to do.
I considered going back on what I said to the Winchester's, but in the end I didn't. I couldn't. I cared too much about Cas to not even try, even if it would mean my life.
Giving the address to Dean was the last thing I did before I was summoned to talk to Castiel.
I knew the moment he started talking that he knew what I had done. Perhaps I should have fled, but I didn't.
In my head I knew that he would never kill one of the Winchester's for this. So I decided in that moment it would be my test. Would I ever be worth what a Winchester is worth?
For a moment I thought he would pretend to believe me, but he didn't.
I was stabbed through the back. I loved Castiel, but he didn't love me back, and I couldn't stop him.
His name is the last thing to ever leave my mouth.