Title: Desperate times, Desperate Measures
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None
Summary: Jack goes to a series of extreme measures to get Sam, Daniel and Teal'c to go fishing with him.
Details: Humour, 3rd Person POV
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Copyright © 2003 Ruth
~ Desperate times, Desperate Measures ~
By Ruth
**********
"I'm placing you all on a week's downtime. That means that you leave the base, Major, Doctor!"
Sam and Daniel looked down into their coffee mugs and tried to pretend that General Hammond hadn't been talking to them.
"So…guys…" said Jack, after General Hammond had left, "What are we going to do?"
Daniel shuddered at Jack's use of the word 'we.'
"Well, it's too damned hot to do anything strenuous," Carter commented, leaning back in her chair, knowing what was going to come next.
"Well, I know something we could all do. It certainly isn't strenuous, it's relaxing, quiet, cool…"
"Happening in Minnesota, perhaps?" Daniel asked.
Teal'c shuddered at the memory of his previous fishing trip with O'Neill. It had not been pleasant.
"Oh, come on guys! You can't tell me that you have anything better to do!"
"I…"
"Well…"
"Indeed…"
"Is that settled then? Oh, great, we're all going fishing!"
"I haven't said yes, yet!"
"I have not agreed either, O'Neill."
"Or me."
Jack snorted. "You never say yes, Carter, I wasn't expecting it."
"Don't you ever wonder why?"
"I'm just too damned irresistible!" Jack smirked, taking a drink of coffee.
Sam looked at Teal'c, who raised his eyebrow at Jack.
"Actually, O'Neill, I believe that it is because Major Carter is terrified that you will try and seduce her into performing obscene sexual acts with you."
Jack snorted the coffee back into his mug, and Daniel grinned.
"Teal'c!" Jack choked, "Where did you hear that?"
"I heard it from my instinct, O'Neill. My symbiote happens to comply."
"Tell junior to keep outta this!"
Jack got up and flounced out of the briefing room. Sam and Daniel were still laughing as he made his way down the corridor, and he was sure as hell that Teal'c still had that smart-ass grin on his face.
They were going to go fishing with him - Jack would make them!
**********
Jack went to the armoury and picked up a zat gun. He turned it over in his hands before quickly slipping it into his pocket. Then, he made his way back down the corridor. He would attack at 1800 hours.
As he was walking, one of the nurses saw the bulge in his pocket and smiled wickedly to herself.
Jack rolled his eyes. "It's a zat!"
"I bet it is," she giggled, and ran off down the corridor to the infirmary.
Once Jack was in his office, he picked up the phone and dialled a number.
"Hello? Yes, I'd like to report three vehicles that are not authorised to be parked in the Cheyenne Mountain lot. Yes, I have the registration plates. When will you be able to get here? Yes, 1700 hours would be perfect. Thank you - goodbye."
Jack smiled evilly and rested his coffee mug on a huge pile of paperwork that needed doing. He then pulled his gameboy out of the desk drawer and leant back on his chair, playing it.
**********
At 1800 hours exactly, Sam, Teal'c and Daniel were in the parking lot, annoyed to find that all of their vehicles had been clamped. They were just discussing how to get out of the situation when they saw Jack walking cheerily towards them, whistling and throwing his car keys up in the air and catching them.
"Oh, hello, guys! What the hell happened here?"
"Oh, I think it's just a Colonel who's afraid of spending a week alone," Carter said snidely, looking directly at him.
He shook his head and tutted. "Well, if you will park in the wrong place, Carter. Danny too - and Teal'c, I'm ashamed of you! I thought Danny taught you better!"
"Actually, I was just thinking that this prank was a little below you, O'Neill," said Teal'c.
"Oh, well. Looks like you'll all have to take the bus home. Bye!"
Jack went towards his jeep and opened the door, jumping in the driver's seat.
"Wait! Jack, you could give us a lift!" Daniel said, giving him his best lost-puppy eyes.
"Or not," he said, with a wicked grin.
"I could call a cab," said Sam, pulling her mobile out of her pocket.
Jack promptly jumped out of the jeep and took the phone clean out of Sam's hand.
"Hey!"
Jack giggled and started to run off with it, across the parking lot like a small boy.
"You ejit! Give me my flipping phone!"
Sam ran after him, but for a man of 53 he was very agile.
"What'll it take?" Daniel asked, although he already knew the answer.
"Fishing."
He saw a flash of horror in Teal'c's eyes for a long moment.
"A sudden thought crossed through Jack's mind and he smiled.
"Tell you what - don't worry about fishing. I'll take you all home."
Sam smarted. "Really?"
"Yeah, really! When have I ever lied to you, Carter?"
"That sounded just a bit too innocent, Colonel."
"Look, do you want a ride or not?"
"Go on then," Sam said, climbing in the back with Daniel, leaving Teal'c to sit beside Jack in the front seat.
**********
"Can I have my phone back?"
"No."
"Why?"
"It's in my pants pocket at the moment, Carter, and I'm driving! Unless you want to retrieve it yourself?"
"No!"
Daniel promptly threw up out of the left-hand window, splattering the side of a coach full of old people.
"Jack, please don't do that again, you're making Daniel puke."
"Well, if you want it that badly…"
"JACK! WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?" Sam shouted as Daniel retched again.
"O'Neill, unless you desist making sexual comments I believe that Daniel Jackson will continue his projectile vomiting, and Major Carter may instruct him to do it in the back of your vehicle."
Jack paled. "Danny, if you hurl in my car, so help me God I will hurt you!"
**********
"Wait a minute - the turning for my house is back there!"
"Where the hell are we going, Jack?"
"Indeed, O'Neill, you have missed all of the correct turnings."
"Oh - would you look at that?" Jack asked, a mischievous smile playing on his lips.
"You! Oh, I can't believe I let myself into this one!"
"Blonde as ever, Carter."
"Shut up!"
"Oh, sweet Jesus!" Daniel moaned, "Tell me that sign didn't say Minnesota?"
"Indeed it did, Daniel Jackson."
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Oh, come on! It can't be that bad, going fishing with me!"
"It is, O'Neill."
"Teal'c?"
"Yes, O'Neill?"
"Shut up."
**********
Sam and Daniel were plotting how they could escape from this in the back seat. Teal'c was staring miserably out of the window, also trying to come up with a way of escape. After a few moments, he decided that there was none and started to cry.
"Okay, let me out of this car right now!" Sam demanded, pulling on the door handle.
"Sorry, Sam, but I had to put the child lock on! Don't want you opening the door and hurting yourself, do I?"
"Dammit!"
"Jack, stop being an ass. I'm gonna reach over there and flick the switch off."
"You could, that is, if I hadn't put superglue on all of your seats before you got in here."
"WHAT?"
Daniel suddenly realised that indeed, he was glued to the back passenger seat, as was Sam.
"Why?" Sam asked, closing her eyes and trying to open the window, only to find that it wouldn't open.
"I had to glue those shut, too, in case y'all tried to scream for help."
Teal'c was shifting about angrily in the front seat, his back glued to the chair.
"This is exceedingly uncomfortable, O'Neill. How will you release us from the seats?"
Jack paused for a moment, and Daniel moaned in the back seat.
"Tell me you are going to get us un-stuck, Jack. Tell me you didn't forget!"
"Whoops."
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
**********
Two hours later, they arrived at Jack's cabin. Only Jack was able to get out of the vehicle, as the other three were still firmly superglued to the seats. Jack disappeared inside and came out a few minutes later with some horribly familiar silver objects in his hand.
"HANDCUFFS?" Sam screeched.
"I have to be sure that you won't run away," he said, clipping one of the cuffs around her wrist.
"You are gonna pay for this, Jack, I swear…"
"Oh. Looks like I'm gonna have to cut you out, Carter. Sorry - hope you didn't like this shirt too much."
"I hate you."
Jack slowly cut Sam out of the seat, leaving pieces of her shirt still glued to it. There was now a gaping hole in the part that covered her lower back.
"You'll have to borrow one of mine."
Jack pulled her out of the car, handcuffing himself to her. She stubbornly held her ground, forcing him to drag her to the cabin, kicking and screaming.
"NNNNooooooooo!"
Daniel and Teal'c were desperately trying to escape the same fate, but they were glued firmly to the chairs.
"I believe that we are fucked, Daniel Jackson."
"Indeed, Teal'c."
**********
Jack dragged Sam into the house, which was taking all of his strength because she was strongly resisting him. Once there, he cuffed her to the pipe in the laundry cupboard and shut the door, locking it behind him, ignoring her cursing.
"You fucking bastard!"
He went back out to the car with his kitchen scissors and handcuffs to get Daniel.
He put the cuff around Daniel's wrist and inspected the superglue damage.
"I think it'd be easier if you took your shirt off, Danny."
"I really don't like you, Jack."
"Come on. Off!"
Daniel reluctantly took off his shirt, leaving it glued to the back seat, and was dragged into the house by Jack, kicking and screaming as Sam had done.
Once inside, he cuffed Daniel to the outside of the laundry cupboard and told him to shut Sam up.
"Daniel? Is that you?"
"Yes, Sam, it's me." He sniffed. "Jack took my shirt off!"
"He shut me in the cupboard!" Sam wailed.
**********
Jack went back out to the car to get Teal'c, who would understandably be pissed off - but a lot stronger than Jack.
"Don't make me get a weapon, big boy," said Jack, leaning over to cuff Teal'c's wrists.
Junior promptly came out of Teal'c's pouch and bit him.
"Ow! Teal'c, would you keep him under control?"
"He is fucked off, O'Neill. He does not like you."
"Yeah, well, I don't like him!"
Junior bit him again.
"Ow! For crying out loud!"
Jack cut Teal'c off of the car seat and dragged him into the house. He attempted to run away several times, but Jack stood his ground and managed to pull him inside, where he locked the door.
"Ah, we're all here."
"Uh, Jack? Don't you think you should let Sam out of the cupboard now? And get us some shirts?"
"Hmm. Maybe later," he smiled, cuffing Teal'c to Daniel.
"Jack, it's fucking hot in here!" Sam yelled.
"Oh, I suppose so!" Jack said, with mild irritation, letting Sam out of the cupboard and cuffing her to Teal'c.
**********
A few hours later, Jack brought out another three objects. First, he gave them all one of his shirts, to replace the ones that he'd messed up with the superglue. He had to briefly un-cuff them to allow them to do this, and all of them attempted to run away at least once, but failed miserably, due to a Big Mouth Billy Bass blocking the doorway and singing raucously whenever they got near.
Then, he walked slowly over to Daniel with a very large and very heavy object. It was a ball and chain - a bowling ball and chain, to be accurate.
"Jack!" Daniel wailed, as he clipped the ball and chain onto Daniel's foot.
He quickly did the same to Sam and Teal'c, but left them all cuffed together.
"Now, why don't we go outside and fish?" he asked, skipping out of the door and whistling merrily.
Sam, Teal'c and Daniel looked at each other in despair, and slowly began to inch their way towards the back door. This was exceedingly difficult because of the balls and chains, but also because the doorway was only wide enough for one of them to go through at a time.
Sam and Daniel somehow ended up getting rammed together in the doorway, unable to get out.
"Jack!" Daniel yelled.
"What's wrong?" he asked, with a knowing smile on his lips. He'd deliberately had the doorway narrowed so that only one person could go through it at a time. He also held a rectangular object in his hand that would instil terror into his three friends.
"I'm coming," he smiled wickedly, holding the small box in his hands.
Sam saw the camera first and tried to get away. Daniel soon realised after her, and they tried to escape, only succeeding in jamming themselves further in the doorway.
"I fucking hate you!" Sam shouted, as Jack took a picture. Teal'c was only just visible above Sam's head, but his expression was one of deep annoyance.
It was then that Junior decided to leap out of Teal'c's pouch and straight at the camera. Jack tried to run away, but Junior bit him on the nose and stayed there, gnashing angrily.
"Ow! Christ, TEAL'C! GET HIM OFF OF BY DOSE!"
"You should first remove us from this doorway, O'Neill, and hurry - I cannot survive without Junior for very long."
"Alright," said Jack, picking up a shoehorn from the grass and wedging it behind Daniel's butt.
He gave a huge tug and wrenched the three of them out of the doorway. They all promptly fell face-first onto the grass, and Junior gave Jack's nose one final bite before he leapt back into Teal'c's pouch.
**********
Teal'c sat in a deckchair. Unfortunately, because they had been chained together, Sam sat on his lap, and Daniel on hers. Jack grinned and took another picture of them. Junior was unable to escape and bite him, because he was pressed into Sam's butt. Under any other circumstance he would probably have enjoyed this, but Jack O'Neill was annoying him, and he couldn't bit him without biting Sam.
As Jack took another picture, Teal'c said to Sam:
"Junior would like to apologise."
"For what?"
There was a short pause, where Jack kept grinning and clicking the camera.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Sam shrieked and leapt out of the chair, falling on top of Daniel and dragging Teal'c back down onto the grass.
Junior leapt at Jack and bit his ear.
"Ow! Jeez, is he camera-shy or what?"
"O'Neill, please un-chain us!" said Teal'c, trying to stop his head from squashing into Major Carter's backside.
Sam was having the same trouble with Daniel's.
**********
A while later, they all sat in separate chairs, still with their balls and chains as well as being cuffed to the deckchairs, but they were separate.
Jack began to talk to Teal'c, unaware that Daniel was trying to hop away in his deckchair. As you can imagine, this was very difficult because of the weight of the chair, the ball and Daniel himself.
Unfortunately, he hopped too close to the edge of the water and ended up in it, floating surprisingly well considering the weight.
"Danny boy, how many times do I have to tell you to be careful?"
Jack got up, not noticing that Teal'c had pulled the zat from his back pocket. Teal'c slyly threw the zat to Sam, who managed to free herself. She threw the zat back to Teal'c and then got up, starting to run.
"What the - Hey! Come back here!" Jack shouted, running after Sam.
Teal'c zatted the chain and freed himself, running over to Daniel, saving him before he drowned in the deckchair.
"We must go to Major Carter's aid before we escape," he told Daniel, and they ran off after Jack.
**********
"Carter! Why did you have to go and ruin a wonderful evening?"
Sam kept on running, but he was gaining on her. Without stopping to look behind her, Sam quickly grabbed hold of a tree and swung herself up into the branches, away from Jack.
He stood below her, cursing. His dodgy knee meant that he couldn't climb trees.
She stuck her tongue out at him and threw an acorn down on his head with a wicked grin.
It was then that Jack noticed that it was only a small tree, so he grabbed hold of it and started shaking it.
Sam soon lost her grip and fell out of the tree, landing on the ground with a thud and a curse.
Jack grabbed her and handcuffed her, dragging her back along the grass, kicking and screaming.
It was then that he was met Daniel and Teal'c. Teal'c was holding a zat.
"Let Major Carter go."
"Give me that, or I throw her in the lake," said Jack, hauling Sam into his arms and preparing to lob her into the water.
"AAAGGGHHH! I fucking hate you - Let me GO!" She squealed, kicking at him.
"Let her go," Teal'c continued.
"On three, she goes in the lake!" said Jack.
Teal'c waited for a countdown.
"Three!" Jack shouted, throwing Sam into the lake head-first.
"Aaaaaggghhhhh-SPLASH!"
Teal'c tried to zat Jack but he rolled out of the way, pulling Daniel into his grip and throwing him in the lake as well.
"Aaaaaaggggghhhhh-SPLASH!"
"Looks like it's just me and you, big T."
"Indeed. This lake is not big enough for the two of us, Colonel O'Neill."
Jack began to run towards Teal'c in slow-motion.
"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooo!"
As Jack leapt into the air, so did Junior.
"AAAAGgggghhhhhhhhhh!"
Junior bit Jack on the nose again.
Teal'c quickly zatted him. He then went over to help the sodden Sam and Daniel out of the lake.
"We must run!" said Teal'c.
So they did.
They were running along the hard-shoulder of the interstate, getting some very strange looks from people, when they heard a police siren approaching.
"Oh, great! Now we're going to be arrested!"
The police car drew level with them, but they could not see the face of the driver. He slowed to a stop, and ordered:
"Get in."
They did, and the car pulled away. It went to a roundabout, turned and headed back towards Minnesota.
"What the-?" Daniel asked.
The driver suddenly turned around.
"Jacky's back!" he smiled evilly, winking at them.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
THE END