Dear Ma.

Author Chick's Notes: I swear to god this is a story based on fact!  ROTFLMAO!!!  Talked, to my grandmother the other day and one of my uncles is off to Italy for Army stuff, where he may actually gain a few pounds (the sod loves Italian food).  He's been Army for uh a while now…20ish years I think. Anyhoo…he is in a way the person I base my Steeler on.  Dad's family is all from around the Pittsburgh Pa area and low and behold we do have an honest to god tank jockey in the family…the main differences being that my uncle is short, anti- social, (Let's just say he makes Deep Six look like a little social butterfly!) and very NON-blonde!  However the rest of this is unfortunately (can't stop laughing her arse off) based on truth. Hahahahaha! Enjoy!

Disclaimers: Other then the story idea itself I don't own a single thing.  Well except the 'Steelers' cap I'm wearing right now to get into 'Steeler' mode.  ;)

Dear Ma.

Cover Girl had the giggles as she made her way to the Motor Pool office.  Sparks had spotted her and asked if she'd do him a favor and take the mail for the tank jockeys over to them.  She gladly accepted the chore and got a good laugh when she saw a familiar large envelope.  "Curtain down?  Nope!" She opened the door to find the head of the Motor Pool hunched over his desk swearing about requisition forms…again.

"Just 'cause I went to college does not mean I know how to spell properly!  Jesus when are these stupid bastards gonna learn that?" Steeler swore as he read over a hastily written form from Crank Case.  "And what the fuck is this supposed to be?" He added as he tried to make out some scribble at the bottom of the page.  He heard the door open and looked up.  "Oh hey Princess." Steeler greeted Cover Girl as she walked in.

"Hey yourself Blondie.  Mail Call." She laughed as she dug through the bag Sparks had handed her.  She decided to save the best for last and took care of the rest of the Motor Pool first.  "Heavy Metal…boring." She rattled off as she tossed a stack of accountant stuff on his desk.  "Ah! The pig should be happy." She chirped as she tossed a stack of magazines on Clutch's desk.

"Porno week?" Steeler asked hopefully, and smiled when she tossed half of the magazines at him to look through.

"Tollbooth…how often do these things come, Jesus?" She swore as she threw a mechanical engineering magazine onto the engineer's desk.  "Ah and the best for…" She paused to laugh as she got a firm grip on the large heavy manila envelope. "The best for last!  The husband hunters strike again, Blondie!"  She teased as she handed the envelope over to Steeler.

"Oh you've gotta be kidding me?  Ma just sent a whole stack two weeks ago!" Steeler gaped at the envelope that landed on his desk.  "Jesus heavy one this time…" He said as he opened it.  He first pulled out the letter from his mother, as Cover Girl stepped behind the desk to read it over his shoulder.

Dear Ralph,

Well it looks like the husband hunters are at it again.  Thank the local Herald for that one.  They ran a story recently about the military and sure enough your name came up in the story…again.  So here's the latest round of marriage proposals, date offers and I won't even say it…for you to laugh through.  Mary and I had a blast with this last batch let me tell you!

Love Mom.

"Your mother reads them first?" Cover Girl asked as she read the letter.

"Yeah her and my older sister both do, it gives them something to do when they're bored." Steeler laughed as he took out the smaller opened envelopes, some of them heavily perfumed.  "Lessee here?  Phew Jesus, I hate that 'White Diamonds' shit." Steeler said as he opened the first one. 

"And you know what it is because?" Cover Girl teased, secretly impressed that he had correctly identified the scent. 

"Last girlfriend loved the stuff." He frowned as he took out the letter.  "Smells like shit if you ask me." He added as he began reading.  As he read the letter Cover Girl picked up the envelope and found what she thought might be in it. 

"Honey, blue eye shadow went out years ago." She critiqued the picture she found.  "And who the hell does your hair?" She said as she studied the photograph. 

Taking a seat on his desk Cover Girl then read the letter he handed over.  "Hey honey? Damn she's not one to beat around the bush is she?" Cover Girl said as she read the greeting.  She read further and found out that the woman's name was Maria and that she would be very interested in meeting such a well-rounded individual as him.  Cover Girl laughed at the last bit.  "Well-rounded? You! Ha!" She laughed as she put the letter away.

Steeler's shoulders heaved in laughter with her.  "I'm just some dumb half Polack half Slovak hick from the 'Burgh.  Ain't nothing well rounded about me what so ever." He commented as he picked up the next one.  "Oh.  This one's got taste!" Steeler said as he held the envelope next to his shoulder.  "Its by Christian Dior…that one you wear.  Don't tell me." He muttered as he tried to remember the name.  "Ah crap I give." He smirked as he looked up to Cover Girl for the answer.

"Its called 'Eau Svelte'.  And it smells a hell of a lot better on the person then straight from the bottle." Cover Girl laughed as she took the envelope to make sure he was right.  "Damn you are good." She praised when she smelled the distinct scent of her favorite perfume.  "Aww.  No picture." She pouted as she took out the letter and handed it over.

Steeler read the letter and handed it over to Cover Girl to read, both of them finding it kind of cute, but nowhere as brazen as the first one.  He then picked up another one and the picture it came with definitely caught his eye.  "Holy tramp Batman!" Steeler laughed at the picture of an almost naked woman…a very pretty one at that, that fell from the envelope.  Cover Girl snatched the picture and took a look. 

"Uhg.  Fredrick's of Hollywood…yeah you got the tramp part right." She said as she handed the picture back.  Steeler took it absently as he read the letter.  His eyes bulged when he got towards the end and with a sigh he folded the picture up into the letter.  "You're going to shred it?" Cover Girl asked when she saw him place the letter into the shredder.

"Believe me, I don't wanna but she's Levenworth bait." He said as he sent the picture and letter through the paper shredder.

"Define 'Levenworth Bait'?" Cover Girl asked with a sly smirk.

Steeler heaved a dramatic sigh.  "She's only fifteen.  A very well developed fifteen I might add, but as far as I know, highly illegal in all fifty states." He explained.  Cover Girl gaped at him when he said how old the girl was.

"Fifteen? Jesus Christ!" Cover Girl laughed.

The two spent another hour going over the different letters he'd been sent from his mother.  Some of them were tasteful and simple, others were outright brazen and a few qualified as downright bizarre.  Cover Girl was putting them back into the large envelope as Steeler read the last one left.  "Aw damn! Three strikes in the first paragraph." He laughed as he read it.

"And they are?" Cover Girl asked, disappointed that it hadn't included a picture.

"One, she's old enough to be my mother.  Two, she's recently divorced.  And three, she's got four kids she wants help supporting." He said as he read the letter.

Cover Girl frowned and chewed on her lower lip.  "That's a bit rude isn't it?" She asked.  Steeler just nodded and stuck it with the rest of the ones he saved.  "What are you going to do with them?" She asked as he put the envelope aside.

"Same thing I do with all of them.  Give em to Short Fuze for target practice." He laughed.

Cover Girl laughed and patted him on the head.  "Now? Mind telling me what being in the army does that makes women from grandmothers to children want to write to you?" She asked.

Steeler laughed as he thought about it for a moment.  "For starters I don't know a single one of em." He began, pointing to the manila envelope.  "And secondly, there's been a running joke in Pittsburgh ever since the ass fell out of the steel industry."  Cover Girl raised an eyebrow at him and waited for him to continue.

"Best pick up line a guy can have back home…" He laughed.  "Hey baby, I've gotta job."  The two burst into laughter at the way he'd said it.  Steeler coughed a few times from laughing to hard before picking up a pen and reaching into one of his drawers for stationary.

"Aww you gonna write to your Mommy?" Cover Girl teased in a childish version of her voice.

"Ah shuddup." He smirked back as he set about doing just as she said.

Dear Ma,


Thanks for letters.  Yeah I got a good laugh from them, so did Courtney, that model I told you about.  I do have a request though…next time some kid sends me nude photos of herself PLEASE throw them out!  I can get seriously busted for that crap even if I ain't interested!  And no I wasn't!  Say 'Hi' to everyone for me and I expect a big old pot of halupki waiting for me when I get home next month!

Love your eldest son (and favorite child!) Ralph.

Cover Girl read the letter as he wrote it.  "Favorite child?  That's pushing it." She laughed.

"I am!  I'm the one that actually moved AWAY!" He stated.  "The woman had six kids, believe me the further away they live the better she likes them." He laughed as he addressed the letter and put it in his 'Out' box.

The two looked at each other for a moment before Steeler glanced at the letters.  "I'm bored." He winked.  "What say we screw Short Fuze and have some fun with these?" He said picking up the envelope.

"Target practice?" Cover Girl grinned. 

"You got it!" Steeler laughed and rose from his desk.

The End