A/N: A huge thanks to Alf, Haleigh.l and Boy-o for editing and support! Thanks to Rosa for helping with all things British! A special ginormous thanks to bluzkat—fellow Potterhead—for helping with all things HP and BlackBerry.
Summary: Steph gets a BlackBerry. Lula discovers fan fiction. Put them together and you get a Harry Potter, Stephanie Plum Cross-Over, Babe, CrackBerry Fic with a side order of slash…all told through Steph's smart phone.
xx Not mine, not making any money xx
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Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'
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Chapter One - Thursday, August 15
8:25 AM Turning on. Please wait. Connecting…
You have one new email message.
To: Stephanie 'I want you badly, Lester' Plum
Sent: Thur Aug 15, 7:48 AM
From: Lester 'I'm Bringing Sexy Back' Santos
Subject: Congrats!
Hey, Gorgeous. Congratulations, it's a…BlackBerry! I didn't even know you were expecting. Well at least now I know why you've been eating for two. (I'm going to pay for that comment aren't I? Shit. What can I say, it was worth it!) It's such a cute little thing; so tiny, yet so powerful!
You have in your hot little hands a smart phone that allows you access to email, text messaging, IM messaging, faxing and web browsing. It also has a video recorder, camera and a multimedia player so you can enjoy your favourite pictures, music, games and videos.
Oh before I forget, you'll have the same phone number as your old cell and I took the liberty of installing some 'special features' on your little bundle of joy…just for you. No, no don't thank me. It's just the selfless kinda guy I am. Well, okay if you insist…I could fit in a quickie at noon ; )
hasta luego L.
9:00 AM ('The Bitch is Back' ring tone) Gah!
"Hi, Mom."
"Stephanie, this is your mother." Pause. "How did you know it was me? That's not a very polite way to answer your phone."
"Mom, have you heard of 'Caller ID not to mention the fact that you've been my mother for over thirty years so you really don't have to identify yourself when you call. Geesh."
"Don't be cheeky, young lady."
Sigh. "Did you call for a particular reason?"
"Yes, you're coming to dinner tonight and I want you to bring someone. I don't like the talk going around town that you can't get a man now that Joe has moved on. I'm making cherry cheese cake."
"Mmmm, as tempting as that sounds, no can do Mom, I'm pretty sure I have something else I have to do tonight. Oh and Mom…Joe didn't move on, I kicked him to the curb. And did I tell you about Ella, she's Ranger's housekeeper? She makes a cherry cheese cake that's simply to die for."
Beep Beep.
"But—"
Beep Beep.
"Gotta go Mom, I've got another call."
"Stephanie, don't you dare—"
Click.
9:10 AM ('I'm Too Sexy' ring tone)
"Hello?"
"Hey, Gorgeous."
"Oh my God! Lester, did you program ring tones into my phone?"
Snigger.
"You are in so much trouble, buddy!"
"Life's too short, Beautiful. What's the point of living if you can't have a little fun?"
Sigh. "Les, did you call for a reason? Not that I mind really. To tell you the truth, you saved me from a fate worse than death."
Snigger. "Let me guess, you were on the phone with your mother."
"Bingo. By the way, when you see Ranger would you thank him for adding the 'Call Waiting' option to my phone."
"Will do. Ranger lives to serve you."
Mumbling, "I wish."
"What was that?"
"Oh, um, nothing Les."
"Hmmm, I'll let it go for now...but don't think you're off the hook. We ARE going to discuss this…thing between you and Ranger later. Oh and Steph, I called to say I'll be picking you up for gun practice early today."
"WHAT? How early? You can't spring things like this on a girl, ya know! I just can't be ready at the drop of a hat. God!" Sigh. "How soon are you going to be here?"
"I'm pulling into your parking lot now."
"….."
"Steph?" Pause. "You there?"
"..…"
"Gorgeous, I wanted to pick you up early so we could go to the Silver Dollar Diner for waffles. I had a craving, But if you don't want to go—"
"Keep the car running. I'll be down in forty-five seconds…wait, make that thirty. I'll wear a hat and take the stairs."
Snigger.
"Bastard."
Click.
9:28 AM ('Bootylicious' ring tone)
"Hello?"
" Hallo Harry."
"Uh, Lula? What's…up?"
"Ssss sssssssss sssss."
"What's that hissing sound? It sounded like a snake."
"I forgot, you don't speak Parseltongue any more. Anyway, I heard you were going to the Silver Dollar with Lester for waffles and me and Connie want you to bring us back something. We're fading away here."
"Lula, how the hell did you know I'm going to the Silver Dollar and what's with the really bad British accent?"
"Honestly Harry, stop thinking like a Muggle. 'Course I knew you were going there. And talking funny. Indeed."
"Um…o-kay, whatever. Look Lula, I don't think we'll have time to drop anything off. Les and I have a practice time set up at the Gun Range right after we eat."
"Gun Range, my arse. What about friendship? What about what we've been through together. Connie and me have been with you since our first year at Hogwarts. Just remember, you wouldn't have defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named without us."
"Lula, for the love of God, what are you going on about?" Pause. "Oh…wait… I get it. You've been reading Harry Potter fan fiction again, haven't you?"
"…uh, maybe?"
"Lula…Sweetie, you know that's not real, right? There is no 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named'...well, I guess as long as you don't count Vinnie."
"Bloody hell."
Click.
11:12 am
Text Message From: Ranger Babe
Text Message Sent To: Ranger Ranger
Text Message From: Ranger Babe
Text Message Sent To: Ranger Ranger
Text Message From: Ranger Babe
Text Message Sent To: Ranger Thanks for the phone.
Text Message From: Ranger Babe
Text Message Sent To: Ranger Ranger
12:09 pm Text Message From: Connie Hey sup? u want 2 c a movie l8r? new batman flick playing. lol. Connie
12:13 PM (Dialing.) Ringing.
"Hello?"
"Connie, what the hell was all that about? I couldn't even read your message. How about repeating it, in English this time?"
"Jeez Steph, get with the program. If you're gonna have a new bad-ass BlackBerry like all the other Rangemen, you're gonna have to learn the lingo."
"Yeah, I'm working on it. Grandma Mazur met me at the office and was showing me some of the cool features on this phone yesterday. Did you know I can do instant messaging and send emails? I can even take pictures and download them. Oh, hey that reminds me…if you got any pictures sent as attachments to your email address from this phone yesterday, just delete them, okay?"
Laughs. "Steph, was Grandma skulking around RangeMan yesterday while the guys were down in the gym working out?…Changing?…Oh lord, please say yes…having showers?"
Groan.
(Keyboard clicking at the sound of email being opened)
"Oh Baby…" Gulp. "Hey um…Steph? Did your grandma tell you how to download, enlarge and print pictures?"
(Thunking heard that sounds suspiciously like a head being repeatedly banged on a desk)
"Steph?"
Click.
12:35 PM ('I Like Big Butts' ring tone)
"Hello?"
"Hey, Bombshell. So you in for the movie tonight or what?"
"Hey Tank. Movie?"
"Yeah, I thought Connie and Lula were going to call you?"
"Um…they got a little distracted. So, uh...you're going to the movie tonight, too?
"Mhmmm."
"And I guess 'other people' that we work with might also be going?"
"Yes Bombshell, 'other people' we work with will be going as well. Was there someone in particular you wanted to know about, hmmm?"
"Oh no. No! You know…just 'the guys'. It was simply a general inquiry; I was being polite." Pause. "So…um, 'the guys' will be going tonight?"
Chuckle.
"You're enjoying this aren't you?
Chuckle. "Someone will pick you up at eight thirty. See ya, tonight, Bombshell. Wear your hair down and all curly-like. Some of 'the guys' I know like it when you wear your hair like that."
"Ugh."
Click.
1:14 PM ('You're Having my Baby' ring tone) (Muttering heard over receiver, " !#!# Lester!")
"Hello?"
"Yo."
"Yo yourself, Ranger."
"Gonna be stuck in meetings downtown for the rest of the afternoon and won't have time to go back to the apartment. Wanna meet me for dinner before the movie? Seven-ish?"
"Yeah, sure. That'd be great. I can't wa—"
Click.
Sigh. "Bye."
1:21 pm
Text Message Sent To: Lester You made Ranger's ring tone 'You're having my baby'?
Text Message Sent To: Lester You're dead Les. Dead, I tell you…and they won't find the body!
Text Message From: Lester Bring it, Beautiful! lol
Text Message Sent To: Lester I have three words for you: Ah ah ah ah, staying alive.
Text Message From: Lester OK, I would argue that's technically six words, but point taken. I'll take care of it.
1:37 PM ('Like a Virgin' ring tone)
"Hello?"
"Hi ya Stephanie, it's Grandma. How's it going, baby girl?"
"It's good. I'm at work; just doing some computer searches. What've you been up to, or don't I want to know?" Laughs affectionately.
"Mabel's picking me up in half an hour and then we're heading over to Dougie and Mooner's. We've started a little exercise group."
"Uh-huh…I'm listening."
"What?"
"Spill it Grandma. What aren't you telling me?"
"Dang, I was saving it for after dinner conversation. Preferably, when Ellen was taking a sip of her dinner beverage of choice. If I tell you, there goes the element of surprise."
Laughs. "I've got dinner plans tonight anyway Grandma, so tell me what you aren't telling me."
"Tee hee…well see the Dougmeister might have obtained some work-out videos of possibly dubious origin, is all."
"Possession of hot videos? That's a misdemeanor or a felony depending on the value of the goods. Nu-uh. There's more, I know you."
"You're getting all twitchy-eyed again aren't you? Okay fine, they're that Carmel Electric's Aerobic Striptease Series work-out videos. Today were doing the 'Lap Dance and Hip Hop Work-out'."
"And?"
Huff. "…And I invited Bernie Schmidt from the Seniors Center over for dinner. I was going to show him some of my new sexy moves after dessert."
"Grandma, you wouldn't!"
"What? Mabel bet me twenty bucks. I'm gonna be—how do them young folks say it—on him like white on rice."
"You're an evil, evil woman, Grandma."
"Thanks baby girl, heaven knows I try." Titters.
Click.
6:30 PM Turning off.
11:46 PM Turning on. Please wait. Connecting…
Missed call. You have nineteen new messages.
Message 1: Thur Aug 10 at 6:47 PM Beep. "Stephanie. This is your mother. I want you to call me as soon as you get this message! Your Grandmother has gone too far this time. Did you know she was taking lessons in lap dancing? Oh My God! MOTHER NO! GET OFF THE TABLE RIGHT NO—"
Message 2: Thur Aug 10 at 6:51 PM Beep. " STEPHANIE!. This is your mother. Call me as soon as you get this message!"
Message 3: Thur Aug 10 at 6:59 PM Beep. "STEPHANIE! THIS IS YOUR MOTHER. CALL ME, NOW!"
Delete Message 4: YES, Delete Message 5: YES, Delete Message 6: YES, Delete Message 7: YES, Delete Message 8: YES
Message 9: Thur Aug 10 at 8:45 PM Beep. "Stephanie? Hic. This is your mo-therrrr. How are y-you honey? Hic. I had to tell you somethin'…but I..I can't…seem…to—" Pause "Hello? Stephanie? Did you call for a reason? Hel-lo?—Frank, Stephanie called but then the line went dead. I think something's wrong wi—" Dial tone.
You have ten unheard messages. Enter: DELETE ALL. Are you sure you want to delete remaining messages? Enter: YES
11:55 PM Signing in to Yahoo Messenger.
witchy woman is now online.
The Boy Who Lived...to blow up cars: LULA!
witchy woman: Wotcher Harry.
The Boy Who Lived...to blow up cars: Grrr…
The Boy Who Lived...to blow up cars is now offline. Stephanie is now online.
Stephanie: Lula, stop breaking into my messenger account and changing my display name.
Stephanie: And for the love of God, I'm not Harry Potter!
witchy woman: cough—polyjuice—cough
Stephanie: …
witchy woman: Fine, if it makes you feel better Harry, I'll call you Steph
Stephanie: Thank you.
witchy woman: But I think you're being a right whinger about this.
Stephanie: And no more pretending you're British!
witchy woman: where's your sense of humour?
Stephanie: Lula! That means no spelling British either…we don't put 'u's in words like 'humor'.
witchy woman: For your information Miss Know-it-all I wasn't spelling British.
Stephanie: I'm waiting…I've been in enough of these stories to know there's a punch line coming.
witchy woman: …I was spelling Canadian… so ha!
witchy woman: and if you must know, I don't exactly have control over how this story is written if you get my drift…
Stephanie: Gah! You enjoy driving me crazy, don't you?
witchy woman: (grin)
Stephanie: Brat
witchy woman: wanker
Stephanie: Child
witchy woman: tosser
Stephanie: Infant
witchy woman: berk
Stephanie: …Damn. You could go forever couldn't you?
witchy woman: I really could. I've got a million of 'em.
Stephanie: I give up. (smile) What are you doing?
witchy woman: You know…the usual. Just surfin.
Stephanie: Mhmmm.
witchy woman: Sooo…it was fun tonight, yeah?
Stephanie: Sigh. Yeah.
witchy woman: You and Ranger seemed pretty close in the cinema. lol
witchy woman: Was that his arm I saw around your shoulders? I bet you were right chuffed. lmao
Stephanie: It was great but don't get your hopes up. I'm beginning to think he's never going to think of me beyond 'a friend'.
Stephanie: I didn't even get a kiss 'good night'.
witchy woman: You're just not sending him the right vibes.
Stephanie: Lula, I all but climbed into his lap during the scary parts…
witchy woman: You need to have a go at stage two of 'The Plan' is all.
Stephanie: Oh God…Lula, we've talked about this. I can't, I just can't!
witchy woman: You know I'm not going to just give up, yeah?
Stephanie: Isn't there something, a little less…drastic and won't end with my untimely demise?
witchy woman: Pffft. Hey, I know…we could have a film night this week and invite some mates over.
witchy woman: Oh and let's invite Hector. How come we don't hang with him? He probably feels left out.
witchy woman: We could rent a bunch of films and have pizza and crisps. Oh and some pints
witchy woman: Have you ever seen Brokeback Mountain?
Stephanie: Isn't that the movie about two cowboys who are gay?
witchy woman: Yeah.
witchy woman: …don't you think that'd be hot?
Stephanie: Huh? What do you mean?
witchy woman: You know…two guys…doing it? Don't you think that'd be hot?
witchy woman: You still there?
witchy woman: Hallo?
Stephanie: ...You've discovered Harry Potter slash, haven't you, Lula?
witchy woman: …maybe?
witchy woman: Oh, bollocks!
Stephanie: You need help...seriously. I think they have support groups for this : )
Stephanie: Say good night Lula
witchy woman: Goodnight Lula. :p
witchy woman has signed out.
You are signed out.
To be continued…
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A/N: Lula has come down with a serious case of Fanfictionitus. Will Steph find a cure? Will Grandma Mazur finally succeed in sending Ellen over the edge? Will Steph ever figure out all those damn buttons on her phone? I would love to know what you think...
(Stephanie's threat in her text message to Lester re: song 'Staying Alive' refers to the short story, Cubicle Wars, where she and the Merry Men become embroiled in an office prank war.)