A/N: A stupid, stupid, stupid crack fic because I do NOT want to do homework.

oooooooo

"He what?!"

Fury growled and slapped the side of Tony's head for the interruption. Fucking superheroes thinking that was acceptable.

It wasn't.

"Let me finish, bitch!"

Tony pouted and rubbed the side of his face. Fury swipes were painful and tended to leave bruises on his dainty, porcelain flesh. He would have complained or sued or something, but feared retribution in the form of more beatings.

"The letter he sent says that he has taken the thing you all love most. In your case, we suspect this is Ms. Pepper Potts," Fury continued calmly, glancing down at his nails to make sure that Stark's stubble had not irritated their smooth texture.

"So what – a psychopath kidnapped my girlfriend?!" Tony shrieked.

Fury smacked him again.

"What was that for?!"

"Good measure. Now listen to me, Stark, the rest of the team has been briefed on the situation and the four of you need to meet and figure out how you are going to handle this."

Tony frowned. "There are six of us on the team."

"He kidnapped Barton and Banner as well. Clint, because he is most important to Natasha and apparently can be lured into unmarked vans with arrows, and Banner because this mystery villain had no idea who was important to Steve and just assumed that he liked Bruce," the director explained.

"Did the letter mention what he plans to do with the hostages?"

Fury nodded but said nothing.

"…are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what."

"What the letter said!"

"What letter?"

Tony's eyes were practically bulging out of his face with frustration. "The ransom letter explaining that our big bad guy has kidnapped our loved ones!"

"Oh, that letter."

…

…

…

"WELL?!"

"Calm your tits, Stark. I was ruminating," Fury grumbled as he tossed his paintbrush into a water cup to clean it of paint.

He was painting a picture of a fruit bowl.

Tony blinked at the canvas. "How long has that been-"

"Anonymous says he will execute the hostages in one week's time if we don't give him what he wants," Nick answered before adding a lovely brush stroke to give a peach some shading.

"What does he want?" Tony asked, not that he would be willing to grant it. Nobody, but nobody kidnapped his girlfriend and got away with it.

"The author hasn't decided yet."

"What?"

"We don't know. In the mean time, try to work out a way to get them back. I don't like being two men down."

The painting was finished and Fury stepped back to proudly admire it. He had adorned an apple with a tiny mustache to give it a French feel.

Tony nodded and cracked his knuckles; mentally making a list of stealthy ways he could infiltrate-

Fury smacked him again.

"What the hell was that for? I'm just standing here!"

"Comedy rule of three. Now get your butt moving!" the director barked.

oooooooo

To be fair to Clint, they technically did give him the arrows… they just also took them away the moment he was placed in the cell.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he could see Natasha rolling her eyes and chastising him for ever allowing himself to be put in such a situation. He knew that unmarked vans were dangerous and that when the driver is wearing a ski mask it is best to take off in the opposite direction.

Frankly, if this was the caliber of evil that their current nemesis displayed then it was just embarrassing on the part of the Avengers that he had not been apprehended yet.

He groaned and leaned his head back against the brick wall, making a face at how uncomfortable it was. At least this villain had not hurt him yet, short of the tranquilizer that had been jammed into his neck.

Bruce was still out, and they had likely given him an outstanding amount of drugs to keep him docile. Once he woke, though, Clint would provoke him into shedding his clothes – for transformation, not seduction – and the Hulk would blast them out of there.

Well, most of them.

Clint, Bruce, and Pepper could go back to their homes – but Loki? He probably needed to stay in a jail.

When Clint woke up and saw the sorcerer sitting in the corner brooding, his immediate reaction was to scream like a little girl.

So he did just that.

The horribly high-pitched noise had woken Pepper, who started yelling at him in a tone much more befitting of a man, and Loki had thrown a rock at him.

He had been the first to wake and worked out that the four of them were being held as bait for the Avengers. He would have been flattered that the villains knew how much he meant to Thor were he not so irritated over their predicament.

Kidnappers tend not to treat their spoils with the greatest of care, and one of the goons who had handled Loki managed to rip one of his favorite scarves.

These monsters would pay.

"Don't you have magic? Can't you teleport us out of here?" Clint whined after several hours had gone by.

Loki glared at him. "I cannot use such magic at this time."

Clint fussed and threw a rock at his former boss. "Why?"

"Because shut your cock hole, that's why," Loki snapped, catching the rock and throwing it back with such force that it pulled another shrill scream from the archer.

Pepper rolled her eyes at the men. "Stop fighting, that won't get us anywhere. Loki, can you use any of your magic?" she asked, donning her business tone. Though she had dirt on her clothes and her neatly groomed hair had been mussed up in the transition from being nabbed outside Stark Towers to when she woke up here, she still looked elegant, classy, and a tad frightening.

Loki sighed and fingered the torn hole in his scarf sadly. "Not at the moment, no."

The lady groaned and tried to collect her thoughts while the men started bitching again.

"You owe me an apology, you know," Clint stated indignantly.

"Excuse me?"

"You took over my brain and made me a slave!"

Loki laughed. Then he kept laughing.

When an uncomfortable amount of time had passed and both Pepper and Clint were frowning at him, Loki finally stopped laughing, wiped a tear from his eye, and sighed happily.

"What?" he asked, taking in their expressions.

"You just laughed for thirteen minutes straight," Pepper pointed out nervously, checking her watch.

"Why should that bother you?"

"What the hell were you laughing about?" Clint yelled.

Loki kicked his former minion. "None of your business!"

"We were in the middle of a conversation!"

Pepper kicked both of them, which was an impressive feat considering physics.

"Stop fighting! It looks like we might be here a while, at least until we can form a plan, and I don't want to spend the time listening to you two bitch at each other," she commanded.

Loki pretended to look offended and Clint actually was.

Bruce continued to sleep.