A/N: So this is my take on what Grizabella's "happiness" was. My favorite cat is also revealed at the end. Enjoy!
Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Every streetlamp
Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And the streetlamp gutters
And soon it will be morning
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
Look
A new day has begun
TS Eliot, Andrew Lloyd Webber
She looked around before leaving her space; she didn't want to talk to anyone right now. She saw Pouncival and Tumblebrutus playing some yards away, but she knew she wouldn't be seen.
Crossing through the junkyard, she noticed new smells. Ever since her return from the Heavyside Layer, she has noticed things. Things that were foreign to her before, such as the smell of junk and burning rubber. The sounds of cars backfiring and cats mewling.
Yet, she found she liked those things. Liked when she would hear one of her new siblings mew at the moon, or smell some mutton. To her, it was heaven. All changes for her "new" life.
She ducked into a shadow as two figures passed. It wasn't that she didn't want to see them; she just didn't want to see them now. She had some thinking to do and she didn't want to stop to talk to anyone.
Bombalurina and Demeter came into view as they walked swiftly passed. They were deep in conversation, yet Grizabella couldn't make out what they were saying.
She still felt like the outsider. Even though Old Deuteronomy had chosen her to go to the Heavyside Layer and have a new life, she knew it would take some time for her to belong again. The Jellicles were still distrusting of her. And they had every right to be. She had hurt them terribly.
Stepping back out into the moonlight, she sprinted the rest of the way to her destination. Leaping on top of the tire, she took a look around and noticed she was alone. The rest of the Jellicles had retired for the night.
She positioned herself on the tire so that she was lying on her side, looking up at the moon and the stars. Her tail twitched occasionally.
Her mind wandered as the memories flooded her. Memories of happy times. Memories of before; before she decided to venture out on her own and become the glamour cat. Before she was shunned.
She saw him. He was young, much too young for her. But he would do. He HAD to do. He would be good enough for her; good enough to get her out of this sticky junkyard and on her way to stardom. She was better than all of this. She was Grizabella and determined to make a name for herself.
In truth, she wasn't THAT much older than him, only a couple of years. He was probably three years old at the most. Still a kitten. He was also still wet behind the ears, having just been inducted into the Jellicles. But she knew he held a special position, one that would be able to get her what she wanted.
She had approached him. He was timid, looking down. She suspected he had never had much luck with queens. She chuckled at him and extended her paw. He looked at it and then at her. She smiled warmly. He took it with hesitation and his young face lit up.
After that, they were inseparable. While he trained for his position, she would never be far away. He was her ticket, after all, and she had to make sure he didn't screw up. She felt kind of bad, using the poor kitten like this, but he would get over it. He was young. He had plenty of time to meet someone else; to meet a queen who would love him for him.
Grizabella shook her head as she recalled that memory. How foolish she had been. He hadn't done anything wrong and yet she had hurt him terribly. She knew when she returned to the junkyard that it would be hard on him, but he had learned to sport a poker face. She suspected, though, that it was just an act. She had looked into his eyes when she had returned. They were sad. The hurt and pain and betrayal were gone, but the sadness remained.
She would never forgive herself for being the cause of that, even if he had moved on.
As time went on, she knew his feelings for her had changed. He even told her he loved her. He did not expect her to say it back, him being so young, and she couldn't. She couldn't say it back because she was using him. But that still caused her heart to ache. She wondered why at the time.
He helped her find work. He knew her passion for glamour and he was more than happy to help her fulfill her dreams. He was able to get her set up for her first sitting. She loved it. She was pampered beyond compare. She had a fluffy pillow to lie on, lights and sounds all for her. Everyone waited on her hand and foot. She was the most beautiful cat of all time.
He was there, too. He was her errand boy. Anything she wanted, he got for her. He was so proud. He kept saying "that's MY Griz." She almost felt guilty for using him then. Almost.
The pictures first appeared in London to great success. She was already being touted as the Glamour Cat. Work came from everywhere. She was hardly ever at the junkyard; preferring to be on set somewhere making a name for herself. She was distancing herself from him and he felt the absence. He would try to accompany her as often as he could. Sometimes she would let him. Other times he was just a nuisance to her.
She snapped back to reality as the clock struck midnight. Her memories always came back to her around this time. A light wind brushed past her, causing the end of her coat hair to move. She licked it back down into place.
Her tired bones creaked as she repositioned herself on the tire. Now that she was older, she knew what to appreciate. She was thankful to Old Deuteronomy for giving her a second chance when he was absolutely right not to. She would not blow it this time.
She had been so caught up in her fame that she failed to see the hurt she was causing him. She was selfish. She knew that. She began touring. She would be gone only for a week or so at a time and then would return again. She would never tell him when she was leaving, because that would start a fight. She would let him know that morning and then be gone.
She tried to use his position with the Jellicles as an excuse. She would say that he couldn't go; he was much too valuable. He would scoff and say he was a joke. They didn't like him and his own litter mates teased him mercilessly. He really wanted to go with her. She refused.
As her fame grew, so did her desire to see the world. She knew it was time to let him go; he had worn out his usefulness. She had to leave to be the Glamour Cat.
It was just like any normal parting. She stood at the line of the junkyard, looking back at it. He was standing there too, staring at her. He had grown a lot during the last year, but still was youthful. She hated hurting him like this, but she had to. If she was to ever be herself, she had to go.
So, she said her goodbye. She gave him a vague answer of when she would be back. He accepted that and watched her leave.
She never returned.
Grizabella shivered as the breeze returned. It was fall and getting closer to winter. She knew she would have to find someplace to stay during those tough times. The junkyard would be abandoned. She could stay there, but would have to find something to keep her warm.
A noise startled her and she fell off the tire. After hissing at herself for her silliness, she climbed back up as more memories flooded her.
She had these memories a lot. In the past, when she was the Glamour Cat, she would push them away so she wouldn't have to think about the pain she caused him. Now, it was her act of contrition.
With fame came other hazards. She dated a controlling cat. He would try and prevent her from public appearances, and spent her money. She got away from him, but he found her. He promised he had changed. That was when the abuse started.
She finally left him again and he threatened to ruin her career. She knew he was bluffing. He was killed later that year.
Other toms came and went. Most of them used her as she used them. Some helped her climb to success, some didn't. But she never had a tom as affectionate as the one whose heart she broke.
Grizabella knew that her time in the industry was limited. She was growing older and they wouldn't want a senior cat. She worked as much as she could during that time.
When the inevitable happened, she was tossed out on the street with no money. Her guardians didn't want her. She was alone. She had to fend for herself. She began to really appreciate her time in the junkyard; how attentive her lover had been. He was sweet and caring. He always made sure she came first.
She realized that she was happy when she was in the junkyard with him. She couldn't believe it. Even though she had been so consumed with her future, she still managed to be happy. And she threw it all away. Threw him away.
She spiraled downwards. She ended up living on the streets, living a hard life. People used to recognize her and say "she ought to be dead." But she kept fighting. She really wasn't sure why. Then it hit her.
She still loved him.
As a last resort, she returned to the Jellicles last year. If anyone would forgive her, Old Deuteronomy would. As she approached the other cats, they hissed and ran from her. She had known some of them while she was there, and others were new. She recognized Tugger and Bombalurina and Demeter. She had heard of Mistoffolees and was eager to meet the railway cat.
Even though a few weeks had passed, they still didn't speak much.
Another memory flooded her, more recently this time. In it, she limped towards the Jellicle leader. He did not turn his back on her the way the other cats did. She did not blame them, though it still hurt. She knew that word had gotten around because the newest Jellicles were shunning her too. Tugger just walked by and yanked on his mane. Knowing the history with him, she understood why. Then she saw him. She looked into his eyes. The mask was there, but his eyes were indeed sad. She reflected in his orbs and she knew that while he had moved on, she had still broken his heart. Possibly beyond repair.
She had heard since her return that he had kept queens at a distance. Even the one he was currently with. He did not completely let her in. He was afraid of getting hurt again. Being so young when she left him, it probably had a ripple affect; one that would last indefinitely.
Yet, she also saw he had changed. No longer the shy, awkward kitten; he was now a strong and virile cat. He was respected by the other Jellicles. He had risen through the ranks and had power. During her fall from fame and grace, he had managed to rise.
Grizabella sighed as she heard a noise. Looking down, she saw her former lover. He was quietly patrolling the junkyard, making sure everything was okay before retiring for the night. He was so grand now; no trace of the shy, young thing she had corrupted. He moved with grace and the queens loved him. She knew that his heart belonged to the one he was with, and it pained her to the core. But she couldn't blame him for moving on.
I would too, if I had been hurt by me.
She cursed herself for falling for him. Even when she denied to herself that she actually was in love with him, her heart still sang when he was near. It fluttered now, as it had weeks ago when she looked into his eyes. She swore that she would try and do whatever she could to make it up to him.
I just want to tell him I love him and that I always will, even if he never forgives me. He has a right to know.
She stared down at him as his patrol continued. She didn't want him to see her; he would be uncomfortable and she wanted to observe him in his position of power.
Perhaps SOME day I will confess that I still love him. For right now, though, I want to try and be his friend.
She blew a kiss to him as he passed by her. He paused a moment, sensing something. His left ear twitched. He turned and looked towards the tire.
Grizabella smiled sheepishly at the silver-and-black tom below. In that smile, she was saying "I'm sorry." He smiled back and his eyes shone. He was saying "I forgive you."
She knew things would be alright now. As she settled in for a night on the tire, she thought of one thing. She thought of the time when she was happy; of her memories of being with him. She knew that they would keep her warm tonight, as they did every night.
As he walked away, he heard her faint whisper. Although things had changed now, he appreciated the sentiment. He knew they would talk, but not tonight. He entered his den and curled up next to his true mate. Grizabella's words echoed through his head as he drifted to sleep.
I will always love you, Munkustrap.
A/N: My first foray into Cats fan fiction. I do hope that you liked the story. If so, please review. I do hope to write another one, but it probably won't be for awhile.
Thanks for reading!