Title : Always Sam Author : Angela Beta : Munimula Pairings : Dean/Sam (although not overt in this story)
Warnings : Language really
Disclaimer : They aren't mine, I wish they were :(
Author's Note : While this is a continuation of my wincest stories there is really no mention of it in this story, This is Dean's POV based on events from AHBL 1 & 2
I saw Sam stumbling towards me holding his shoulder, the relief I felt was overwhelming, and short lived. Movement behind him caught my eye, as some kid rushed toward him, a knife in his hand. I was too far away, there was no way I could make it in time. I yelled for Sam to watch out, but it was over before the last syllable left my mouth.
Sam was falling, collapsing in front of me. I caught him before he fell forward into the mud, keeping him on his knees with my body. I wrapped my arms around him holding him close. As I check the wound, my hands came away bloody, oh God so much blood. I knew what it meant , but I wouldn't accept it, I couldn't accept it. My only thoughts were protecting Sam, don't let him know, tell him it's okay, even as I feel him leaving me.
There were times in life that no matter how prepared you are, you are still left shaking your head, trying to figure out what the hell happened. I find myself in that situation quite a lot lately. I've always been prepared to protect my family, protect the innocence of other people, and their loved ones. I've always been ready to die on any given night, hunting the evils of this world. I have never been prepared, or willing to give up my brother's happiness, much less his life, and I'm damn sure not going to do it now.
Bobby can keep his war to end all wars, the whole of the earth can burn down around me, and I honestly won't give a fuck. The only thing that I have left was laying on a grimy mattress in a run down cabin, no heart beat thumping in his chest, no breaths inflating his lungs, no blood rushing through his viens, no life. I always knew I would fuck up, I haven't been able to keep anyone I love alive, and now my brother, my lover is dead, because I wasn't strong enough. If I'd known two months ago this was going to happen I'd have let the Djinn bleed me dry.
I understand now, how dad felt, losing mom, then to have me clinging to life by sheer will power, and stubbornness. I understand the love-and the desperation that drove him to trade his life for me. I didn't deserve it, and I didn't want it, but I got it anyway, and now look what's happened. He wouldn't have let this happen to Sam. He would have found a way to stop it. He would have been smarter, stronger, and more alert. Me, I just fuck it up. One job, that's all I've ever had, protect Sam above all others, and I couldn't even get that right.
Well fuck this! I'm not going to let it end this way. Sam's not going to end this way! I won't let it.
I've drunk more hard liquor in the past two days than I have in the last year, and I'm still stone cold sober. Sam would still be bitching about me driving, not to mention his lecture on the affects of too much alcohol on your liver. My whole world has been wrapped around Sam, taking care of him, protecting, and loving him. My world, is Sam, without him there is no me and, God as my witness, as long as I'm alive, Sam will be too.
It's never been a question of what to do, more when to do it. When I finally managed to get myself together enough to leave Sam alone, I had to get Bobby to leave so he wouldn't try to stop me. Funny enough, he was actually the easy one. I just pushed until I got my point across and, as much as I hated to hurt him when all he was doing was trying to watch out for me, Sam was and always will be more important than anything or anyone.
Leaving Sam was harder. It didn't matter that he wouldn't know he was alone, it felt like I was abandoning him. I was going to make a deal with a demon, and I had no way of knowing if I would ever get the chance to see him again, much less explain it to him, not that something like this can be explained.
I was hoping for the usual ten years, I was prepared to take the same deal dad made, minus the colt, of course seeing as how dad used that one already. I had written Sam a letter, leaving it in dad's journal on the table. I couldn't - not let him know why I had done it. If I never saw him again, I wanted him to understand, even if he never accepted it. I knew it wasn't going to make it better, but I hoped he wouldn't hate me in the end, something I had come close to doing with dad after - he had made his deal. I sat into the early morning hours telling Sam things I should have told him years ago. Memories of all things Sam assailed me. When I felt I had said everything I needed to, even though he couldn't hear me, I finally felt like I could leave.
The bitch that showed up thought it would be fun to toy with me. When the kiss came to seal the deal, I had gotten less than what I hoped for. Then again, she underestimated what Sam was worth to me, since I would have let her take me right then if that's what it would have take, especially since my first priority when I walked into hell was going to be to find her and the demon bitch known as Meg, and finish them one way or other. She might have considered giving me more time if she had thought about that. If they thought I was a pain in the ass on earth, wait until I was playing at their house. I made it back to the cabin in record time, needing to see for myself that she had held up her end of the contract.
When I walked in and Sam stood looking at his back in the mirror, I didn't know whether to hug him or cry, I think I may have done a little of both. He'll figure it out, he's too smart, and it won't take him long. He's already asking questions, the only reason I'm not getting the Spanish Inquisition is the news of the Roadhouse has him pissed, and being dead for two days must muddle your brain a little.
I can't talk Sam into sitting back and taking it easy for a few days, so it looks like we're headed to Bobby's. I'm not going to call him, better just to show up, and hope he keeps his mouth shut. He'll know, but there's not a damn thing he can do about it now. I just need Sam to be in the dark a little longer, just long enough to finish this, that's all I'm asking for. I need to know that when I'm gone, Sam can go back, and get the life he's always wanted, what he's always deserved.
Bobby's pissed, I don't think I've ever seen him this mad before, not even when he was threatening to put a cap in dad's ass, and he was plenty mad then. Sam keeps looking at the both of us, he can feel the tension, he just can't place it quite yet, probably thinks it's the mess that kid Jake has made of things. Bobby wants me to go outside with him, I really, really don't want to damn it, but if I make a big deal out of it, more pieces are going to slide into Sam's little puzzle of what the hell is going on.
Bobby doesn't stop walking until he's out of earshot of the house. When he turns around, I can't understand why he's so mad, I didn't offer up the Holy Grail, just me. He yells at me for being stupid, and not caring about myself. Telling me that this wasn't why dad had done what he had done, that he wouldn't have wanted this for me. I tried to make him understand that Sam was all that mattered, that without Sam, I didn't care. He wasn't impressed, at all. I think he would have decked me if Ellen hadn't shown up and scared the shit out of both of us.
The little bastard, he took the deal. Now he's all flashy eyed, and has got tricks too. I want ten minutes with him, no weapons. He killed Sam, and I want to kill him, very slowly. I don't think I've ever seen Sam this angry, not even when him and dad were going at it. Damn kid, can't keep his mouth shut either, I can see Sam working it out. That last little comment, that just about did it. No way Sam's not going to know when Jake tells him he cut through his spinal cord. He may not know the specifics, but he knows enough.
Obviously Sam's slid the last piece of the puzzle into place, and with it, just pumped a few into good ole Jake. Can't say I've ever seen Sam this focused before, must have been what he looked like when he took his tests. I can't believe that idiot opened a door to hell, what did he think was going to happen? Bobby, Ellen and Sam are trying to close the door, but I have other business. The demon that killed mom, dad, and Sam, he's not going to be a threat any more, I don't care what it takes, Sam is going to be safe, when I'm gone.
The demon hadn't counted on dad. He should have known that if Dad a chance, he'd there at the end.
That headstone kinda rang my bell but good. Sam's stood there alive, safe finally, but all he wanted to know was what happened while he was out, gone, dead. He shut down all my attempts to get him to celebrate. I wanted him to stop asking questions, just enjoy the fact that he could go back to school, be what he wanted, do anything he wanted. Sam wanted to know what I'd done, but he already knew.
He looked me in the eye and asked me how long. I can't lie to him, I tell him a year. He's about to start telling me I had no right, I shouldn't have done it. Sam's never understood that it's always been my job to watch out for him, he's not allowed to be mad at me in the little time I have left with him. He's telling me he's going to save me, that saving me is his job. I just smile and tell him we have work to do. If anyone can do it, it's Sam, but if Sam can't find a way I don't regret my decision. Sam's alive, and Sam's safe, and that's all that matters.