AN: I wrote this on a whim. I'm a feminist, as you'll be able to tell by the end of this.
DC: Sorry Tolkien, no disrespect. But I don't own anything mentioned that is trade-marked!
Enjoy!
...
Harrido, the small, wimpy Hobbit of Hobbiton, was feeling emo because he lived in the Shire instead of frolicking about beheading orcs and risking his life for fun, like his beloved, only-has-a-few-loose-screws-in-the-noggin uncle… godfather… person.
One day, RonWise, a very close friend (well, as close as one might be with a gardener holding two very large shear blades), was talking to Harrido.
"Mister Harrido," RonWise said (because close friends often address each other in honorific terms) "What be wrong with you, eh?"
"My parents are dead," Harrido replied, "my life sucks, I can't hold down a girlfriend and I'm surrounded by-"
"Girlfriend?" RonWise interrupted before Harrido could continue on his rant about wizarding angst, "But Mister Harrido, you've never showed any interest in the lady folk a'fore-"
"The point is, Ron, I'm feeling old. I mean, I had my 50th birthday already! And good old Sirius Baggins, he was off drinking in Elvin stripper clubs by half that age!"
RonWise, who loved Harrido unconditionally, over looked the fact that Sirius Baggins wouldn't have even hit puberty by the age of 25. Instead he said, "You know, Mister Harrido, we could always go a'pestering that one old geezer guy. The one with the long white beard and hair."
"Who, Mustrum Ridcully, at that shoddy college?"
"No, not fat, more thin…"
"Merlin? Lives down the lane?"
"Nope, not him either… Blast, the name keeps a'escaping me…"
"Oh, Prospero, right? Crazy guy with the daughter on the island? Got a major grudge problem?"
"No, Mister Harrido. Damn, I can recognize his face, but then again, they all look the same…"
"Dumbledalf?" Harrido suggested.
"That's it!" RonWise said relieved. "Yes, Dumbledalf! If we a'bother him enough, maybe he can give you some anti-aging lotion!"
"Brilliant" Harrido exclaimed. "Who needs some self inspiring quest when you can just apply cream instead?"
The two walked over to Dumbledalf's cottage, quite pleased with their solution.
Dumbledalf opened the door. "Ah, Harrido, and RonWise. How nice it is to see you. Harrido, you may come in, but RonWise, stay outside and clip the hedges; the roses are getting absolutely ghastly. Speaking of roses, the room I will be talking to Harrido in has a window right above the place you should work. The room is a bit stuffy, and that fire keep giving off all this blasted smoke, so the window will in fact be open to it's fullest extent. Pay no attention to our conversation spoken in low and concerned tones, yet still fully audible."
Dumbledalf dragged Harrido inside and slammed the door.
Ten to fifteen minutes later…
Dumbledalf waved from the doorway. "Bye-bye!" he called happily. "Have fun on your quest! I'll meet up with you later, just as soon as another wizard beats me up. Glad I could help! And remember RonWise, it's your own fault you're doing this! You shouldn't have eavesdropped!"
RonWise demonstrated a rather angry hand gesture as soon as the door closed.
"Well that was fun!" Harrido said brightly. "We're on an adventure! Let's get started, shall we?"
He dodged the daggers RonWise shot at him with a glare.
"What about all those hot Elvin chicks, Ron? You've always wanted me to try to hook you up, now you can introduce yourself!"
RonWise gave a grudging smile. He was obsessed with meeting Elves.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere, Fatty Nimbus!" Harrido called.
They waited for a moment. A girl approached behind them.
"A bit too early, Harrido." She whispered. The two boys jumped.
"Who are you?" Harrido exclaimed.
"Me?" the girl asked. "I don't really have a name, as there aren't any girls in Tolkien's books that match Hermione's character."
The two stared blankly. "There aren't any what?" RonWise asked stupidly.
"Girls? Women? You know…" she made an awkward gesture, "…. Hot Elvin chicks?"
"But you're smart." Harrido pointed out. "Only men can be smart in Middle Earth."
"No." the girl said testily. "Females are just as useful for adventure as males."
The two boys looked at each other shocked.
"Competent female, competent female!" shrieked Harrido, as RonWise bolted to the nearest alarm and pulled it.
"This is not a test! There is a competent female in the immediate area! All males should put their wives and daughters in the orc safety shelter and report to the Jane Austen book burning site to retrieve instructions!" The siren wailed and lights flashed. The girl disappeared beneath a squad of men clad in full-body cootie proof suit.
"Wow…" whispered Harrido as they snuck away. "Thank God we noticed the threat early. Otherwise feminism could have spread all over Middle Earth! And then where would we be in our quest?"
RonWise nodded in agreement.
The two died thirty minutes later when, excited by a group of orcs to behead, they rushed into a fight without bothering to read a sign that said "Danger: Quicksand" next to the orc's camp.
...
AN: "Well behaved women seldom make history!" - Laurel Thatcher Ulrick.