Another one of these pesky little ideas, that kept me from my beauty sleep;)
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It's ticking. Loud and clear for her to hear almost every waking hour of every day. There are times, especially, when there is very little to do, when the she can see the hands showing five minutes to midnight. All the time this damned biological clock.
She thought she didn't want any kids. Was convinced for the longest time, that she would make a horrible mother. And she knows, that he doesn't care for kids. Now, the older she gets, the more she feels like maybe, just maybe she might enjoy a family. But at the moment it doesn't look like it is going to happen. His words are on a constant repeat in her head, even though it's about eight years ago, that he said them.
"McNally, I am not a traditional guy. There won't be any white picket fence and 2.3 kids for us!"
At the time she thought she could live with it. She thought, maybe they would be a little bit unconventional, but they would make it work. Find a middle ground, something both of them would be comfortable with. She never gave up hope, that he would come around someday.
But slowly she starts to realize that living together is as far as they will ever get. And living with Sam is sometimes more like living with a roommate than with her boyfriend. At times, when he retreats into his mancave or into the garage, she gets lonely. She tries to keep herself occupied with books and TV or goes out socializing with her friends. But it hurts her, that he obviously doesn't want to have her around. Sure, there are times, when she needs to be alone with her thoughts. But after the end of her shift she looks forward to seeing him again. He is still the person who puts a smile on her face. She feels like she is not doing that for him anymore.
For the first few anniversaries she was fine. Was just happy to have him back. She knew, he wasn't the guy for anniversaries. He wasn't the guy for grand gestures. She accepted that. By the time their fifth anniversary came around she started to get restless. Felt like it was time for them to show a little more commitment. She wouldn't have cared, if they were engaged for ten years, before they would finally tie the knot. Just something more than what they have now. At least a promise for more. But he never showed any signs. Never hinted, that he wanted more.
She thought about proposing herself, but somehow she is afraid to ruin everything they have, if she pressured him. So she bites her tongue at every wedding they are invited to. Waits until he is at work before she cries about the news, that another friend of theirs is expecting.
She tried to bring it up a couple of times. Went even so far as to suggest they take the risk, when she can't find her pills. But he is adamant. No sex without any kind of birth control for them. He puts his pants on again, goes out and buys condoms. Stashes them everywhere at the house. In the truck. In his wallet. In her purse. It doesn't matter, that she complains about the missing sensitivity.
It's bad when both of them meet at a crime scene with kids involved. Because she can see, how good he is with them. Then she feels bad, because she doesn't want to change everything about him. She wants to love him the way he is. But she can't help it. Can't help but starting to resent him for his thoughts of an ideal life. She feels torn for her understanding and love for Sam and her own feelings and needs. She wishes she could give up these dreams, but she can't. They have a way to pop up, every time she thinks, they are at a good place again. She has talked about it ad nauseum with every person, who might offer some insight. Has drunk gallons of wine, while she discussed the pros and cons with Traci. But no one can teach her how to make Sam change his mind.
When she finally finds the courage to talk to him, it goes sideways. Big way. It's probably one of the biggest fights they ever had. Only this time they are not simply passive aggressive, they are vocal. Very vocal. And in the end they hurl insults and accusations at each other, they both thought they were long past. It's sobering. For the longest time they both thought, they were doing alright. Thought they were solid.
But Sam feels like Andy never understood him. Feels like she want to change who he is. And he has tried that. Tried to be someone he is not. Thought with Andy he could finally be, who he really was.
Andy feels like Sam is not willing to make concessions for them, for their love. She feels like he is egoistical. But feels like she is the egoistical one, too. She does want him to be comfortable, but she knows, she already started resenting him for his views. She knows, it is only going to get worse. She is not sure, if their relationship is going to survive her wish to have kids.
In the aftermath of their fight she packs a bag. Goes and stays with Traci. After all the hurtful words both of them just said, she is not sure, she can stand to be in the same room as him. He has already left. Probably to go drinking. Or to Oliver. At that moment she doesn't care. His words cut her deeper than any other person's could. He has bruised her ego too. Has shattered her self-perception. And left her, before she could even finish with her retaliation.
When they meet two days later at the barn, they are both timid and sweet. Apologize for what they said, but never talk about why they said it. Kiss and keep silent. They are both afraid, more ugliness might come to the surface if they address their issues.
It's two weeks later, when Sam comes home and finds Andy with two sport bags next to the stairs. He is dumbfounded. He is pretty sure he didn't mess up enough to make Andy leave him. After all it's only been a few days, since they agreed, they would leave it all behind them. Clean slate and all. Obviously Andy wasn't true to her word.
He is shocked, when he hears her explanation, that she found a nice flat, that could be rented by the month. She needed to work through some things. Has to do some soul searching. Promises him, that she will come back, as soon as she figured things out. But all he can thinks is, her love for him is not enough anymore. She wants him and she want kids.
He is angry. Scratch that, furious. He told her from the very beginning, he didn't want to get married or have kids. She said she understood and that she didn't care as long as she had him. It is one of the many things he loves about her. He was perfectly happy with the way things were. She had finally learned the meaning of time and space, let him work through the somber thoughts after a long workday before he joined her, not to drag her down with him. Now he realized, that was all an illusion. She had no idea who he was and what he wanted or needed.
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