Title: Out of My Mind
Author: The-Ochraniacz
Rating: M
Summary: Faced with a life without hope, one of the BAU threatens to make the jump
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or the characters
Status: One-Shot
The
keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our
adversities.
Sophocles
It was a chilly night.
"I never loved you Spencer."
The words echoed through his word. He tried to push them away, without luck.
They'd come to him, four nights before, just before he realised.
His father was sitting in the chair opposite him, in the living room. They'd sat in silence for a minute but he then he couldn't help himself.
"Father?" He'd asked. His father barely responded at his presence. He'd felt scared at first. Why was he here? Had something happened?
He felt that fear now, looking down. It was different though, a somewhat calmer fear.
"What are you doing here?" He pressed. The man didn't reply for a few minutes. It felt like an eternity to him, sitting there, waiting.
"Your mother. How is she?" He suddenly asked, still not looking at him.
"She was ok last time I checked. I must admit I haven't checked in on her in a while." The man nodded.
He immediately felt guilty. He hadn't even visited his mother. He didn't want to though. He knew his mother would pick up on the fact something was wrong, and he wouldn't be able to cope if that happened.
So he stayed away. For here sake, and his.
He was worried now. How would she react? He knew she'd get a letter, but would that be enough for her? What would happen when she heard the news?
He remembered, a week ago. Something was wrong.
Cut into pieces, raped, tortured. Mutilated beyond recognition.
He felt nothing.
The pieces, they were no longer a person. They were just pieces of meat, a jigsaw puzzle of a body.
There was no longer a person in the picture.
That night he cried.
He had no idea why. He felt nothing for those people.
Nothing.
That was horrible enough.
Then he cried.
He had no idea why. There was no need to cry, no logical reason why. He didn't understand.
He cried again the next morning, at breakfast.
There was still no logical reason why.
Then he dressed in his pjs for work. He was nearly out the door when he realised.
Now, looking down, he wondered why he didn't see it earlier. All the signs were there. Maybe he just didn't want to admit it, maybe his subconscious didn't want his conscious knowing.
Then Gideon came.
He'd been in his room this time, sitting on the bed after a hard day at work.
Suddenly, Gideon was sitting at his desk in front of him.
He'd been shocked of course. He didn't understand why Gideon had come back.
He didn't waste time, this time.
"Gideon. Why'd you leave me?"
There was no reply.
"Didn't you read my letter?" He asked back.
"The belief in happy endings."
He'd lost that belief.
Now, looking down, he wondered how he lasted as long as he had. How had he lasted this long in this job?
He sighed and breathed in the cold air.
He knew what he was about to do was wrong, but that knowledge didn't stop him.
He looked down, off the bridge at the cold water below.
He remembered the rest of the conversation with his dad.
"Why did you leave?" He'd asked.
"I couldn't do it. I was happy once. I needed to find that again. I used to have a belief in happy endings, but I lost that."
"Belief in happy endings."
There's that phrase again.
"But how could you do that to me?"
"I never loved you Spencer."
He'd stopped speaking as much after that. The others had realised something was up, but nobody said anything.
He knew something was up.
Then came the final straw.
He didn't want to get up that day. He didn't feel there was any reason to. There was no reason to get up, no reason to wake up.
He hated feeling this way.
"I'm sorry." He wrote.
"I wish things could be different. I just can't live being afraid of my own mind."
"For death is not the worst, but when one wants to die and is not able even to have that- Sophocles"
He told himself he wouldn't quote too much in the letter, but quotes made him feel better.
Not that that made any difference.
He didn't regret it now, he realised, starring into the water.
He didn't regret everything he'd done with the job. He couldn't. He'd saved lives, put criminals away.
He wished he could've said goodbye. But he couldn't. He wouldn't be able to go through with it.
He sighed again and breathed in the cold air.
He counted to three and jumped forward.
Cold air rustled through his hair as he went soaring towards the water.
No. He had no regrets.
It was a chilly night.