Pre-story note: I have a ton of important homework and revision to do which means I am procrastinating to the best of my ability! This is not an insult to any of the following; fan-fiction writers, DG shippers, people who enjoy using the thesaurus, Mary-Sue writers (when written well, they can be very enjoyable!), people who enjoy Harry Potter or in fact any other groups who I have failed to mention but I promise I'm not insulting you! If it does seem to follow the particular storyline of another fic this is merely coincidental and I am not doing it on purpose!
It is merely for humourous purposes so sit back, relax, maybe giggle a bit, flame me if you must but do not take offence. xx
Disclaimer: the characters do not belong to me, they are J.K.R's. Neither does the plot probably. Ah well.
Thesaurus Abuse (Part A)
Ginny Weasley stood alone on platform 9 and whatever. Her entire family were presently elsewhere, who really cares where, and so there was simply no one around to witness the raptures that every male on the platform went into at the sight of the girl.
The youngest Weasley girl was beautiful. Her hair was a menagerie of reddish-crimson-scarlet and she had curves in all the right places since the summer months had seemingly developed her from a scrawny schoolgirl into a sensuous goddess. She had inherited Molly's full, firm bust, Ron's temper, the twins' mischief, Charlie's danger-seeking nature, Bill's coolness and Arthur's bald spot. (Percy who?) But the important thing in that she is beautiful.
Ginny flashed her dark chocolate-coffee-russet eyes shyly at the crowd, quite by accident showing off her long lovely lean legs, her boobs and bum all in one fell swoop and then wondering why the old witch in the corner had fainted with shock. (N.B. the author now believes you would like to hear what they have to say on a certain topic, occasionally related to the fanfic but often not, so they will put in a little N.B. just so you know. When actually you would rather set fire to their author's notes along with the remains of their fic which you have a feeling is going to be as painfully harrowing and plotless as the introduction.)
With her highlighted blonde-ruby-auburn hair glinting seductively in the supposed sunshine that England produces Ginny boards the Hogwarts express without further ado, coincidentally flashing her bottom to the slathering hoards of horny young men waiting inconspicuously on the platform.
Her trunk also finds its way onto the train and so does her new pet (which can fight off Voldemort and his henchmen for her), her new best friend called Mary-Sue-Antidisestablishmentarianism, or Elle for short (but we'll get to that in a moment), ex-boyfriends Michael, Dean, Colin and a few made-up names, the train driver, her hair straighteners, her curlers, a moody Harry, a sexy Draco (N.B. swoon – we'll be returning to him in a bit once the author can be bothered to attack the thesaurus), a stupid Ron and his bossy girlfriend Hermoninny (who really cares; she's not relevant to the plot) and of course the all-singing all dancing cast of adolescent fantasies.
Elle immediately finds Ginny and (would you know it?) Elle is beautiful too. Not as beautiful as Ginny though. That is important to remember. Elle is an American Beauxbatons-born super witch who plays a spot of bridge in her spare time. Her hair is a thick curly-straight reflective browny-silvery-reddy blonde and her and Ginny are bestest best friends despite the fact they've only known each other for all of two minutes. She's joining Hogwarts this year with Ginny. This may or may not be explained but the important thing is that she is beautiful. But not as beautiful as Ginny.
Most of the train-ride passes uneventfully with Ginny making no further attempts to think, the author making no attempts to engage her with any other characters except Elle and finally running out of conversation ideas and returning to the faithful task of describing just how toned her body is, how big her boobs are and what tones of violet-crimson-mayonnaise her hair turns in certain lights.
Finally Ginny decides that she needs to get changed and the author decides that 300 words without the mention of Draco is already 300 too many. The Weasley girl finds the elusive changing cabins on the Express (that have yet to make an appearance in the books but they must be on there somewhere) and starts stripping off.
It is at this highly convenient time that Draco happens upon her because he often wanders the train searching for half-naked young women.
The author takes this time to switch for no apparent reason to what Draco's thinking. Occasionally even first-person works, because screw structure and writing style: isn't the reader just dying to hear more overused adjectives describing how toned her body is, how big her boobs are and what tones of violet-crimson-mayonnaise her hair turns in certain lights?
During this little interval while our favourite Slytherin prince trails through the thesaurus of every word that could possibly mean the same as beautiful (striking, gorgeous, stunning, attractive, remarkable, where has she been all my life, dazzling, spectacular, but she's a Weasley, I can't find her attractive, but isn't her hair vivid, extraordinary, amazing, sensational, breathtaking, fantastic, astonishing?)
Dear Ginny on the other hand has been standing motionless, neither undressing nor redressing, paused between modest and raunchy. She simply hasn't noticed Draco because it's difficult for her to undress, pause picturesquely and notice a great hulking Slythering in her room all the same time. Poor Ginny.
When she finally does notice her companion, she gasps in shock and covers herself up. The author decides that this is just too much action for any one point and so decides that Draco deserves his long-overdue overdone description which is happily undertaken:
Draco Malfoy slouched against the door in all his dangerous glory. His blonde-fair-light hair was neatly shaped and Ginny found his silvery-bluey-cerulean (N.B. swoon. Author doesn't know what cerulean means. But she thinks that other people might think she is a good writer because of it) eyes boring into hers. His robe hung open a little revealing a tight black jumper that fitted his every muscle and left very-little to the imagination ('cause let's face it Ginny has little else in her imagination at this point in time) and he is sexy. Also he is looking at Ginny like she is lunch. But don't all young men do that to young women who they've openly hated all their lives?
Ginny's face heats up in both embarrassment, anger and desire but Draco doesn't recognise the emotions, merely that now her hair, face and ears create a perfect harmony of cherry-red stunning beauty.
Draco leaves after a few parting shots about her family (originality? Moi?) and goes back to his cabin to, ahem, get some desires of his own out of his system. (N.B. swoon).
Ginny races back to Elle and tells her everything that has happened and how she hates Draco Malfoy but only because he is so hot. She assures Elle that all will be ok because Draco might have a friend who she can have. But he won't be as good-looking as Draco. Obviously.
Next time: The Hogwarts Arrival, we meet Ron, Hermione and Harry, and Draco and Ginny start a well-known war.