The Seduction of the Insufferably Mr. Potter

By: shadowclub/fakeid

Notes: HBP compliant, and this will be a multichapter fic with plot.

Pairings: Harry/Draco…there are more, but I shan't give them away.

Chapter 1: Fire and water make air

Harry Potter was having a no-good, very bad day.

It all started that morning, at the precise hour when he woke up and found that some mysterious people had put his and Ginny's underwear in the same drawer making an already awkward situation even more awkward when he had to go to her room and get it back. Really, he was going to kill Fred and George.

The day had only deteriorated from there; he was quite thankful that the day was almost over. After the Order meeting, which was in Dumbledore's old manor, he was going straight to bed.

"It's the only way!" Remus's voice rose above the others.

"No! I won't stand for it! He's too young."

"We have no choice. It's the only way to destroy You-Know-Who!"

"NO!"

"Of all the- CRASH!"

"Molly! Don't throw the-ow!" Arthur's voice could be heard now.

Things did not appear to be going well, to say the least.

The door burst open and a bristling Mrs. Weasley walked out. Harry stood up, waiting to be called into the meeting. He had been waiting for the last hour or so to see if he could travel around looking for the rest of the Horcruxes.

"Ron, Hermione, they want to speak to you!" she spat out, practically shaking with rage. She patted Harry on the head before turning away and muttering to herself. Ron and Hermione practically ran into the kitchen, fearful of Mrs. Weasley's wrath.

"Harry dear, wait here with me for a minute," she said laying her arms on his. Harry stared at her, and sighed internally. He had wanted to sneak out last night, but Hermione and Ron had insisted that they come with him. Naturally, Hermione had forced him to ask for permission… perhaps forced wasn't the right word… threatened, maybe?

"What?" Ron's voice carried through the silencing charm and into the living room. What on earth was going on in there? It sounded as Ron had just learned that his father was homosexual or something equally ludicrous.

Mrs. Weasley started to rub his arm in what was supposed to be a soothing manner, but really only served to make him more anxious. After another five minutes of muffled screams and a loud thud, the door flew open to reveal a very disgruntled Ron carrying a fainted Hermione… so that was what the thud was.

"A little help here, mate. She's not as light as she looks!"

Harry quickly stood up and grabbed Hermione's arms.

"My god she must weigh more than fifty kil-OW!" Ron said, as Mrs. Weasley promptly hit him upside the head.

"Ronald! What have I told you about discussing a girl's weight?" Mrs. Weasley said before leaning down and whispering something in his ear that sounded suspiciously like "And don't you tell Harry anything about it!" She then left the room in a huff still muttering about the manipulative bastards down at the Ministry.

"Well…what happened?" Harry asked after settling Hermione down on the couch.

"The Order is currently researching a spell that will be able to defeat You-Know-Who without destroying all the Horcruxes separately," Ron said while scratching his head. Harry waited for him to continue.

"And…" Harry finally prompted.

"And nothing! We have to check in every day, learn this book of distress signals and stay within a twenty mile radius of an Order member!" Ron exclaimed, his ears going red. He always had been a terrible liar.

"And this knowledge caused Hermione to faint?" Harry asked. What was Ron hiding from him? They attempted to heave Hermione onto the battered couch; Ron miscalculated and ended up dropping his half on the floor, dragging Harry down with him. Harry ended up with his crotch in Hermione's face, which is precisely when she regained consciousness.

"Mfhiryy!!!!" she screamed. Harry quickly scrambled off of her, turning a Very Heroic Shade of Purplish-Red.

"What are you doing?" Hermione had two bright red splotches on her face, and they were rapidly spreading down her cheeks and onto her neck.

"You fainted, so Harry and I carried you out of the kitchen," Ron answered, looking a bit flushed. It was one thing to watch it done in the magazine that Fred had accidentally left in the bathroom one night, but it was quite another to watch your best friends in that position. He vaguely wondered if this was a punishment sent from the gods for the one time he had broken the vase and blamed it on the twins.

"Why didn't you levitate me?" Hermione asked, dusting off her skirt, and thankful that she had on ('that she had worn' is good, too) her full coverage panties.

Ron opened and closed his mouth a few times and was saved from answering by the kitchen door swinging open.

"Harry, we need to speak to you." Tonks said. Harry walked into the kitchen and sat down in the nearest available seat.

"Well there's no point in beating around the bush here. Lupin has found a spell called, roughly translated, The Ultimate Spell of Death" Moody paused and let that sink in. Harry blinked, what kind of name was that for a spell?

"Look Harry, I've researched this spell, and it is the quickest way to get rid of Voldemort," Lupin said with a sympathetic smile. Harry waited for something in his mind to click, something that would indicate as to why they were not jumping up and down with joy.

Nothing.

"What's the problem then?" Harry asked suspiciously. Everyone had these kind, sympathetic expressions on their faces, the same one that the insurance agent wore when Uncle Veron was in an accident right before they screwed him over by upping his premium. Whatever that meant.

"Well, there are certain erm…conditions and side-effects on this spell that you must fulfill before using it," Lupin said suddenly looking more uncomfortable than Harry had ever seen him before.

"What conditions?" Harry asked almost afraid of Lupin's answer, his stomach sunk. He knew it; he would have to sacrifice himself in order to defeat Voldemort.

"Well, you have to abide by all of the conditions put forth by the spell rules for three months prior to the casting of the spell." Harry nodded. As long as the rules weren't too restrictive he would be able have some fun in the last three months of his life.

"And well, you can't eat any pork, you have to lose you- ahem, cough-you cannot wear the color pink, the hair of an enemy, and you have to sacrifice," Lupin continued reading from a three foot parchment that lay in front of him. It took a moment for all that to sink in.

"WHAT! I'm not a girl, if you haven't noticed!" Harry said standing up. This was not happening. This was Simply Not Right; he must have heard wrong. "How am I going to manage to pull that one off?"

Lupin looked torn between amusement and pity, everyone else had suddenly found the wall fascinating enough to stare at.

"Erm, well you're not. We've erm, modified the spell a little…so that you don't have to be one," Lupin looked as though he would rather remain in wolf form forever rather than share this tidbit of information.

"Why would you tell me that, then?" Harry prompted.

"You don't technically have to be a girl, the results are better if you are a girl."

Harry had seen many things: dying cats, fluffy man-eating dogs, and a hundred-year-old man having sex, but this was really too much.

"This is a joke, right?" He asked slowly.

"Now, Harry, I know this is hard to take in all of a sudden--"

"Why didn't anyone mention this spell before?"

"…well, its dark magic. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire; this is one of those times," Moody growled out.

"I don't understand why I have to be a girl."

"The spell was actually created by a woman…you know the saying "a woman scorned" well this woman, Marietta Polick, was jilted at the altar and spent the rest of her days devising a spell that could kill all men no matter what their level of power. It's quite fascinating, of course-." Lupin stopped when he saw the expression on Harry's face. This was not the time for a history lesson.

Harry swallowed; he really was having a no-good, terrible, very bad day.

XXX

"I don't think he took that too well," Hermione said to Ron later on that night. Harry was dead asleep, exhausted from the day's events.

"And Lupin didn't even tell him that he couldn't be a virgin in order to cast the spell. Bloody hell! How are we going to tell him to go lose his virginity?" Ron stage whispered as to not wake up Harry.

Hermione thought for a moment. Poor Harry. All he wanted was normalcy and he got this. She could almost see the expression on his face when he learned that Voldemort not only stole his parents, he would essentially be stealing his virginity, too.

"Ron, I don't think it's fair to Harry."

"Nothing in life is ever fair," Ron stated an idea dawned on him, what if he and Hermione somehow told-no-encouraged Harry to lose his virginity. It's not like Harry knew it was for the spell, they could die any day now! No one wanted to die a virgin.

"Hermione, I have an idea."

And just like that it was done. The whole plan was as easy as pie.

For anyone who has actually made pie, they would know it is not nearly as simple as it looks.

XXX

Ron and Harry stumbled into their bedroom at half past 11. The Death Eater raid had not been as successful as they had hoped, but thankfully there were no casualties on either side. Someone or something had alerted them and most of the top ranking Death Eaters had managed to apparate before the anti-apparation shield was in place. They did have a few prisoners… rumor was Draco Malfoy was among them, but nothing was confirmed despite Ron's and Harry's arguments.

He looked up…there was something slightly out of place in the room.

"Ron why is there a naked girl in my bed?"

"What naked girl?" Ron replied. Hermione had really outdone herself. The tits on the girl looked big enough to knock out a horse. Never let it be said that Hermione did things half-way.

"The one ON my bed!" Ron went through the possible reasons in his mind. Somehow "Well, it turns out in order to defeat Voldemort you can't be a virgin, so Hermione hired a prostitute" didn't seem right. Harry would probably be annoyed stating that he was not going to let Voldemort rule his sex life, and turn down the girl. Bloody git. Probably wanted to wait for his wedding night or something.

"Happy Birthday, Harry!" Ron was surprised this brain was still functioning considering most of the blood was currently rushing south.

"My birthday was last month!"

"Happy belated birthday then!" The figure on the bed moved, her short black dress riding up to reveal a lacy pair of underwear.

"And you must be Harry…," her smooth cultured voice rolled over them in waves. Even Harry paused to stare at her chest.

"Erm…yes," Harry finally managed to stutter out.

"My, my rich and good-looking," she said trailing a finger down his chest. Ron hated Harry…at this moment anyway. Why didn't Hermione ever do anything nice for him anyway?

"Um, I'm not sure what they told you, but I'm not interested, thanks," Harry said pushing her finger away from him. Ron gazed helplessly as the woman walked around Harry, his cock was hard enough to be used to drill through granite. It was a miracle he could even think coherent thoughts beyond tits…tits…Oh my god she's coming closer…

"Boys! Your-Dear Merlin! Ron! Harry!" As some random American Tourist had said to him one fine summer eve "This shit is going to hit the ceiling (or something like that)."

"No Mom ! I'm busy! Harry and I are busy!" Ron said having the foresight to throw a locking charm on the door…just a few minutes too late.

"RONALD!"