Title: Would You Be Okay
Rating: T
Main Pairing: Slight Yullen if you squint
Warnings: Mentions of rape
Full Summary: Would you be okay if you were not only dying but fading away and being replaced by another?
No Beta
Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray Man
Commentary: This is a one-shot.
0o0
I sat down at the table in a small room, way in the back of the order, with a small light, a pencil, and a piece of paper. I had managed to get away from Link while he had been stopped and forced to talk to Jerry. I silently thanked him for the distraction. I put the pencil to the paper and started to write what I knew I would never say out-loud.
'I just got back from a mission today. It was simple enough. Retrieve the innocence and return home. And that's how it went. Link bore holes into my back the whole time, but I was okay with that. The only thing that wasn't as planned, was Link getting knocked out by a Noah. Tyki Mikk to be exact. Not having the power, nor will to fight at that moment, I ran. Leaving Link on the ground because I knew he was safer there than being dragged by me to a place the Noah would follow. Tyki finally cornered me and I thought I was dead for...
I never imagined what he was really there for though.
I tried my hardest to get away, but he was just too strong. Maybe if I had worked harder and trained more, than this wouldn't have happened. If I wasn't tainted before that whole ordeal, which I highly doubt, then I was now. I don't really remember everything that happened. I do remember pain however. Somewhere I wish it wasn't. My wishes never really did come true, did they? By the time I had gained enough strength to walk, the Noah was gone. I went to where I had left Link to see him panicking.
He was yelling things such as, "Where were you" and "why did you leave me here?" I really didn't have the energy to talk so I let him rant off. I guess he noticed me acting weird and stopped to look at me, only then realizing the state I was in. My cloths were were ripped and hanging off me loosely. My eyesight started to blur and I fell to the ground. I heard Link ask if I was okay. I blacked out before I could answer him. Not that I would have.'
I stopped writing when I thought I heard something outside the door. When it was clear I continued to write.
'When I came to, I was in the infirmary. No surprise there. They let me out early because nothing was really wrong with me except...yeah. The head nurse insisted I tell Komui but I refused. I'm sure she would have told if she could. You were not permitted to tell someone's condition unless they told you, you could. When I was about to walk down the stairs so that I could eat, a finder walked past me and I knew that they were the one who pushed me, because all of a sudden, I was rolling down the stairs.
The finder ran up to me and asked me if I was okay. I stood and walked away, not answering his question. Later that day, I heard the same finder telling his finder friends that he had pushed me down the stairs. They laughed saying that's what that Noah had coming for him. I was disgusted, but said nothing.'
I let out a bitter chuckle.
'Fucking fools.
As for Lenalee, I haven't had real contact with her in over two months. Whenever I would go near her, she would flinch, but when I would ask her what was wrong, she would dismiss the question and leave. Komui made sure we had no contact either. We were no longer assigned missions with each other and whenever we were in the same room he would make up some lame excuse to get Lenalee away from me.
I guess I was fine with it. At least she won't be hurt.
Then came earlier today. Lenalee was having trouble holding the trays and asked for my help, momentarily forgetting who I was. When she saw who she was about to touch, she dropped the trays and the coffee that sat on them. I offered to help but all she did was turn me down and say she didn't even know why she asked for my help in the first place.
That hit me hard and I went off into a string of curses and I yelled at her. Komui was so shocked at this that he didn't even say anything. The last thing I said to Lenalee was something that made her cry and I'm pretty sure if I was in her place, I would have cried too.
"You no longer love me like how you claim. You can't even stand to look at me anymore. The order doesn't even want me because of what's inside of me. Just stay away from me and I'll do the same."
She later sent me a note asking if I was alright.(Feeling guilty?)
I didn't reply.
Maybe that was a little harsh...it's too late to change it now.
Lavi now spends most of his time in the library and whenever he sees me, all of his smiles are forced and fake. There not real anymore. Heh, maybe that's a good thing. He wasn't supposed to have a heart in the first place.
I...I haven't talked to Lavi in three months.
One day before we stopped talking, he asked if I was alright.
The question went unanswered.'
A tear slipped through my eye. "Really? Now I cry?" I continued to write.
'And Kanda... I don't know. We don't have our usual arguments, but then again, why did we have them in the first place? We are a lot alike.
We both have a curse.
We both have a time limit,
And we are both haunted by the ghosts of our past.
Though some people may think that I hate Kanda more than anyone, it's not the truth. In fact, he's the one, I could say, I love most right now for one simple fact.
He's the only one who doesn't hate me because of what I am.'
I take a deep breath and start to write the last of my feelings.
'So answer me this?
Would you be okay if you were raped by one of the people you hate the most?
Would you be okay if a finder pushed you down the stairs?
Would you be okay if someone you thought you could call and sister and someone you thought you could call a brother, started to avoid you because they were afraid?
Would you be okay if the person who was supposed to be your best friend, started to push you out of their heart? (Even if they shouldn't have had one?)
Would you be okay if only one person didn't hate you because of who you are?'
I sighed and wrote down the thought that has been recurring in my mind for the longest.
'Would you be okay if you were not only dying but fading away and being replaced by another?
Would you be okay?'
Just as I finished writing, someone busted into the room. It was Kanda. I was shocked. He pushed me to the side and grabbed the paper I had wrote. I let him do. It's not like he cared either way. What was he doing here anyway? Oh well. As he read the paper his eyes narrowed. By the time he was finished, his hands were shaking in anger. He looked at me.
"Is this all true?"He asked. I looked down.
"..."
"Is it?"
"..."
"Dammit, Moyashi! Is it tru-"
"WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE?" I yelled at him.
My voice then got softer. " What will it make if that's true? No one will care. They haven't been caring. Why would they now? I'm nothing but a mon-" I was cut off by a pair of strong arms wrapping around me.
That's all it took for me to start crying like a baby.
Knowing someone actually still cared about me. That's all it took for me to know I was okay as long as I had someone who would still be there for me.
No matter the cost.
The only sad thing about this though...was that I would be leaving today...for good and someone else would take my place.
I embraced Kanda, silently telling him sorry.
"Goodbye...Kanda." I said before everything went dark.
END
0o0
A/N: Not really good just revising a bit.
Until Next Time...
SEE YA!