M'INNAMORAI
Come ti vidi
M'innamorai,
E tu sorridi
Perchè lo sai.
~ Arrigo Boito/William Shakespeare ~
When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.
Rick Castle knew after that first case - after their first case together that there was some seismic shift in him. He was convinced that the forces of the universe had colluded in some way, for some thing, even though he didn't know then what it was. See, he figured inspiration had struck. She had.
He was looking for a change, and he'd found it. He didn't know how she was different, but he knew from the start. Kate Beckett had a smirk on her face, and amusement in her eyes, when she first introduced herself. As the Tisdale murder investigation went on, the smirk grew. Oh, he knew he annoyed her too, got some sort of primal satisfaction from it, but there was something else. He'd found his muse. Found more than he bargained for.
The case had been solved, and he'd made up his mind already that it wouldn't be the last she saw of him – not that she knew – but then she turned to him. She turned to him to say goodbye, but he wasn't having it. He smirked, going for his playboy persona, though he knew that wouldn't work on her. He had to try.
"Why, Castle? So I can be another one of your conquests?"
"Or I could be one of yours."
"It was nice to meet you, Castle."
"It's too bad. It would've been great."
She bit her lip, and he saw the momentary contemplation, before it was gone. He was sure she never considered giving in. He thought that maybe she was measuring up her answer. Her thoughts. Maybe even her perception of him. But she stepped closer. And closer till they were cheek to cheek, just a hair's breadth away
"You have no idea," she'd said, a smile blooming on her face as she stepped back to look at his.
Yeah, Castle wasn't ashamed to be mesmerized. It's probably why she smiled the way she did.
-x-x-x-
It was his measured silence that first let her to open up to him. He didn't ask, but she told him anyway, about the watch she wore for the life she saved, and about the weight of the ring for the life she lost.
When Kate forced a smile, her eyes looked a bit wetter but no less brave, no less determined.
"So, I guess your Nikki Heat has a back story now, Castle."
He had to swallow, to stop from choking his words out. Had to swallow his heart back down. All he wanted to do was wrap her up, and build her a fort. Be her castle. But the quake in her voice, and the way she wouldn't, couldn't meet his eyes weren't borne from weakness. Just from a need to guard herself. She didn't need to, not from him.
"I don't know, um…" his voice quieter than either of them were used to, "I did kind of like the hooker-by-day, cop-by-night thing. But, uh, I guess a heavy emotional angle could work too."
She huffed, and smiled, still looking away from him. But it was a real smile, one that held gratitude. So they bid each other goodnight, his wish infused with more hope than hers. Because he was hopeful for her, even though he felt hopeless about it.
It was too late. It was more than the white knight syndrome. And he wondered if she smiled at him because she knew.
-x-x-x-
Telling her about Johanna Beckett's case was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do. When he saw her smile, his heart broke. Because when he saw her, he fell in love. So he had to tell her, even if it meant breaking her smile. Even if it meant breaking them.
-x-x-x-
He wanted so badly to make it up to her. He wanted so badly to be in Kate's life, to have her in his. So when the last link was about to be severed, his luck used up, and his hope running dry; there was nothing left to do but apologize. Because if he never got to see her smile at him again, he needed her to know how sorry he was.
"Castle, I'll see you tomorrow."
He thought he couldn't fall any harder, but he was wrong.
-x-x-x-
She'd gotten used to him pulling her pigtails. It was their little secret. Castle had promised to keep it safe. Even if she didn't know it, Kate had fought him – to keep him. To keep them. He knew her secret, and he was convinced that she knew his. Even if she couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge it. He didn't blame her. He barely acknowledged it himself. Barely understood it.
-x-x-x-
Then one day her apartment blew up. His world stopped for the few minutes it took him to climb the stairs and bust through her door. Nothing else existed, until he was reassured that she still did. Kate was alive. Bruised, and battered. Still bantering with him while he supported her shaken frame. Still smiling and letting him hold her up.
While the paramedics stepped away, it finally afforded them a minute of quiet – as quiet as it could be after an apartment had just blown up anyway. Kate's eyes were glued to the dying flames still engulfing what was left of her apartment. Castle's were glued to her. She startled when his fingers swept her hair from her forehead.
"Sorry," he whispered, unsure what he was apologizing for. It was a weighted apology.
She must've understood that though, because she just took his hand in a gentle squeeze before releasing it, and giving him a small smile. Why she was reassuring him instead of it being the other way around, he didn't fully comprehend. But that is how it was. And that is why he was sure. He looked at her, and knew. He looked at her looking at him, and he was sure she knew too.
-x-x-x-
For years they lied to themselves. Lied to each other. But the truth was there all along. Always.
He had already told her by then – once. Too afraid to say it again. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of the repercussions. Afraid of facing his lies,
She'd already lied by then. For all the same reasons. Afraid of facing her lies and his truth.
But when the dust littered the air, and it got hard to breathe because the C4 blew up, and her world nearly collapsed; when she walked through the rubble of fallen concrete, even though things were hopeless; when she saw him and he saw her – there was no lies.
She knew what it was like to die, and come back to life. It happened again when she saw him. Kate felt the percussions of his heart, her palm steady on the lapel of his jacket. She couldn't have stopped her smile for any kind of fear, because she'd just breathed him in, and she'd just come back to life. Again because of him. Just like the first time.
-x-x-x-
The words were out there, in the gaping chasm between them. Beating them to a pulp, testing the strength of that invisible thread, ripping them apart at the seams.
The second time he told her he loved her, and he thought she couldn't have cared less, but Castle was wrong. It wasn't long before she proved him wrong, like she did sometimes. So he kissed the scar that had wounded Kate's heart, his lips a balm for both of them.
A smile bloomed on her face, for the secret that wasn't a secret anymore. Hadn't been one for a long time. He kissed her knowing smile with his.
When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.
~Fin.~
AN: This came off a sudden bout of inspiration from a tweet shared by Lou and JCxAlways on twitter. The quote is from an Italian opera by Arrigo Boito but based on the works of William Shakespeare, to whom it is often attributed. In any case, I haven't written in a while, which is why this may seem rough, but I owe seeing the retweet to you guys, so thank you. Felt good to want to write again.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Castle, nor the inspirational quote. I will own my mistakes though. Cheers!