Hi guys! So I wrote this story a long while back after seeing the 5x19, but it was first in french and I decided to translate it now. I know it's been a while since this happened in the show, and I kinda invented how they got out of the Underworld, but I still hope you'll like this!
They were all running together, probably faster than they had done in they entire life, not paying attention to their breaths getting shorter and their painful limbs making them suffer. They were running for a very long time, none of them able to tell when they had started to and when they would finish this intense race. They were running because they didn't have a choice, to find a way out of this literal hell. They were running to go join their lives awaiting for them in Storybrooke, fighting against all odds as they were probably destined to stay prisoner in the Underworld until the end of time.
Emma's legs were killing her and she had the feeling the oxygen wasn't reaching her lungs anymore. Every breath was inflaming her throat a little bit more, as a sudden and horrible taste of blood invaded her mouth, almost making her sick on its way. She was feeling like she was going to crumble any moment, fall on the burnt ground of this evil place, and never get back up again, because she was so exhausted. She was feeling like she could die, right there, so close and yet so far away from home.
But she had to go on, she didn't have a choice. She squeezed Hook's hand in hers, trying to give herself some strength back, and glanced at him from the corner of her eyes to see how he was doing. He was so hurt, he had suffered so much, but he was carrying on, looking at her as well and stroking the skin of her hand to quietly encourage her. She was loving him so damn much. It was thanks to him they had found a way back to Storybrooke. A true love kiss could indeed break any curse, and had made his heart beat again, stronger than ever. Her name, her dad's and Regina's had been erased from the tombstones, Hades' plan failing under the bound they were sharing, and that was stronger than death itself. They were free, and they were all running toward the docks, so convinced a portal was there, awaiting for them to take them back to Storybrooke.
Emma's thoughts were slowly getting blurry because of the exhaustion and her breath that was still getting shorter and shorter. Hades was just behind them, ready to catch them at the first moment of doubts, and keep them in that horrible place forever. She didn't even turn back, she couldn't lose any second, but she was feeling the villain's oppressive presence in her back. The ruler of the underworld was regularly appearing where they would least expect it, and was throwing violent rays of light in their direction. They were only standing thanks to their prodigious reflexes, and it was a miracle none of them had been hurt yet.
Black spots started to invade Emma's vision. She couldn't see well anymore, and was trusting Killian on the direction to take, because she had no idea were she was, too unsettled by the lack of sleep and food and her exhaustion from running for so long. It was not like she'd had the time to rest in the past few days, she had just wanted to get her pirate back, and now that he was by her side, she just had to hold out for a little bit longer. She couldn't stop now.
Be brave, she quietly told herself. Just for a little while longer. You can do this, you have to get them home.
Finally, the docks appeared in front of the group. Emma stopped, her heart pounding at a breakneck speed, panting, with a huge pain in her chest that was making her legs shake underneath her. As she had hoped, a portal was there, awaiting for them, opened by the strength of true love. She let Henry go first, not wanting her son to take a risk and get hurt by staying a second longer in this living hell, and the other members of her family disappeared one by one. They were all facing a huge danger there, Hades was ready to strike, she could feel it in her bones, but she couldn't go before making sure everyone was making it home safe. They were all here because of her, and she was already feeling so guilty to have agreed on taking Henry with her. It was her part as the Savior to make sure everyone was making it home in one piece.
Hook had stayed beside her the all time, and hadn't let go of her hand. They hadn't pulled away from each other since she had found him, as if they were scared they would get separated again. They were refusing it to happen, they had beaten death and they were decided to live this future that was awaiting for them back home. Admitting they would get home. But they were only one step away from knowing true happiness in the other realm. They shared a long glance, and Emma read pure love in Killian's eyes. Finally, they could go home. Finally, they could leave the polluted air of the Underworld behind them. Finally, they could know the future he had promised her back when she was the Dark One.
"You okay?" Killian asked her, seeing her still trying to catch her breath.
She gestured to make him understand he didn't have to worry about her and once they woulg get home, she would be fine, but a presence in her back made her turn. Her eyes met Hades', looking completely insane, a twisted grin on his lips. She understood right away something bad was about to happen. Killian had noticed the villain too, and dragged her by the hand, wanting to walk into the portal, that was about to close, before Hades could do something against them.
Emma was taken by this weird feeling she always had when she was switching realms. Her heart was still pounding in her chest, and everything was quiet around them as they were still holding hands, waiting to finally arrive in Storybrooke, unharmed. But a huge impact on the back of her head made her whimper in pain, and she had the horrible feeling her skull was exploding under the shock. Surprised, confused, she managed to understand Hades had just hit her with his magic before they could totally disappear. At the last minute, as she had thought they were finally safe.
Everything had fallen apart so fast, and the shock made her go blind. She was in so much pain she wanted to start yelling, and she was so damn scared. She felt her legs getting weaker, and fell over as everything had turned dark. She heard someone screaming her name in a strangely distorted voice, and simply felt Hook's hand still firmly wrapped around her own.
And then everything stopped existing.
A buzzing sound in her ear, the smell of antiseptic, sheets touching her skin. The young woman suddenly opened her eyes, and got blinded by the neon light hanging above her head. She was in a white room, a perfusion in the inside of her arm. A ray of sun was passing through the closed curtains hiding the window of the room and was gently enlightening the space.
She was quite obviously in a hospital. But she had no clue how she had gotten there.
She had no clue of who she was.
She tried to curb the panic that was rushing over her. It was going to get to her, she couldn't just forget who she was like that. She guessed she'd had to live something pretty intense to find herself in the hospital. Maybe she was just in shock, maybe her head had hit something and her brain was still a bit confused. She could feel an accute pain in her skull, telling her her last assumption was probably correct. But she just had to calm down. She was going to get her memories back, it was just temporary, when her panic would be gone, everything would be okay again. There was no other solution possible.
She was alone in the room, what made her heart beat faster. She started to pray for someone to come and join her, to tell her what had happened. She needed a comforting face more than anything right now. She felt a pinch in her chest thinking that, maybe, no one would ever come and see her. Maybe she was all alone, no friends, no family. She shook her head, chasing these thoughts away. Everyone had a family. Everything would be just fine when she would know what was going on.
Intimidated by this situation, scared of what was going to happen to her now that she didn't even know who she was anymore, she didn't dare call for a nurse. So, waiting for someone to finally walk in, she managed to capture her reflection in the mirror laying on the little night table of this austere and cold white room.
She didn't recognize the blond girl with green eyes staring at her from the other side of the mirror, and her heart skipped a beat. The stranger's hair was falling in front of her face, but behind the bags she had under her eyes, her pale skin and her sunken cheeks, the young woman could guess she was actually beautiful.
But this stunning girl couldn't be her. She just couldn't. She didn't know this woman. She had never seen her before in her life. It wasn't possible, she had to be dreaming, and she was going to wake up and remember who she actually was. She had to.
She felt a wave of panic rushing over her again. Her heart started to pound almost painfully in her sore chest, and she felt like it was going to break her ribs by drumming against her bones like that. The machines she was linked too followed the change and the oppressive noises they were making was panicking her even more. A nightmare, it was just a terrible nightmare, she had to convince herself of it. But everything was looking so real around her, the light was too bright, the sounds too precise, and her migraine way too painful to be a projection of her imagination.
A few seconds later, several people dressed in lab coats rushed into the room, almost running. She wanted to ask them so many questions, but the words got stuck into her throat. She didn't know where to start, she didn't know how to tell them she didn't remember a thing, and she didn't know why they all seemed so scared of what was happening to her. She had no idea what was going on, and it was horrifying.
She turned her head, completely lost, desperately searching for a familiar face, someone she knew who could reassure her in the chaos that was surrounding her. She frowned when she met the eyes of a young man, who was looking so afraid by what was going on, intrigued by the fact he wasn't wearing a white blouse.
He was gorgeous, with dark hair and eyes so blue it was reminding her of the color of the ocean in summer. Somehow, this thought made her feel better. In this life she knew nothing about, she liked the sea, she could tell. Looking down to him, she realized he was wearing a hook in place of his left hand. She got even more confused by this detail, and looked at his face, trying to remember who he was.
But his eyes, although comforting, weren't reminding her of anything.
"Swan." he started in a very gentle voice, taking her hand in his and she got stiff. "Calm down, darling, I'm right here. You're safe, now."
It didn't reassure her at all. She should obviously have known who he was. She could feel it at his thumb gently stroking her skin. They were close, very close. And his voice should have been comforting, but it was just scaring her to death. He knew her, he probably loved her, and he was a complete stranger.
He had called her Swan. Was it a surname? She assumed so. He had such love in his voice it made her heart ache, because she knew she was going to hurt him when she would tell him the truth. But how the hell could she have forgotten her own name? What horrible thing had happened to her that she couldn't remember?
"I'm so sorry." She finally said in a husky voice after a few seconds of silence. "I really am."
"Hey, love, don't be." He cut her off, probably thinking she was talking about something that had happened before. Before everything went black, when she knew who she was, when she was probably happy with him by her side. "It's not your fault. You saved everyone. I'm just so glad you're finally awake. I've been really scared, you know?"
"No, it's not what I mean." She said, feeling tears in her eyes, realizing she was about to hurt him really badly. "I'm sorry because I have no idea who you are."
His eyes widened in panic, and he squeezed her fingers in his, his hand starting to shake at this statement. Everything got so real, she read the pain in his eyes, and she started to sob without managing to stop herself.
My name is Emma Swan. I'm 31 years old. I live in Storybrooke, Maine. I have a thirteen-year-old son named Henry. I'm the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming, known here as Mary-Margaret and David. Magic is real and I can use it. I'm in love with Killian Jones, who is actually Captain Hook. I just woke up after three days spent in a coma and I've been hurt at the back of the head. My name is Emma Swan…
She was repeating these information in her foggy mind over and over again. The man and woman claiming to be her parents, while they were looking the same age as her, were talking for more than an hour to try and make her remember who she actually was. But the more they were speaking, the more the story they were telling her was sounding completely improbable. She didn't have a clue who she was anymore, but if she was sure of one thing, it was that fairy tales characters did not exist. Neither did magic, and these people could not be her parents. It had to be an enormous joke, a bad one because she had trusted them for a moment, but she just couldn't believe what they were telling her. She didn't have her memories, but she wasn't insane.
She was too afraid to ask the questions that were burning her tongue. All the people in the room were staring at her with worry, and a bit of pain dancing deep into their eyes, which was making her feel even worse. She knew she was hurting them, but she couldn't do anything to avoid it. She was even more terrified than they were. She was feeling completely empty inside. A blank disc. Yet, she could remember all these useless information : the historic dates, the fairy tales, how to do an equation, how to drive a car. But the most important was gone, out of reach now that she was awake. She couldn't remember who she was, who were these people claiming to be her family nor all the experiences that were supposed to forge a life. Nothing to help her tell her who she was supposed to be
She was no one.
The people surrounding her finally stopped talking and stared at her, waiting for her to say something. But she didn't know what to do, she didn't know what to tell these strangers she was supposed to love. She turned her head to look at the man with the hook – Killian, who hadn't left her sight since she had woken up. He was sitting on her bed, looking completely lost, and she could read deep pain in his eyes. A pleasant shiver ran up her spine when she met his gaze, and she almost got closer to him, a mysterious impulsion pushing her to snuggle into his arms. But she didn't move. She was too confused. She could feel they had been really close, but if her body was remembering him, her mind didn't. He was a complete stranger. Maybe she was in love with him, but how could she be sure about it?
"I'm sorry." She started after a few seconds of silence, somehow encouraged by the man's clear blue eyes still staring at her. "I can't remember anything. But what you're telling me is impossible. You can't be my parents, you're way too young. We are the same age."
"We've already told you." The young woman who had claimed to be her mom patiently answered. "We're looking the same age because of the Dark curse, the one cast by the Evil Queen all those years ago."
"But I don't get it." She protested in a shy tone. "What you're telling me is insane. Magic doesn't exist."
"It's exactly what you told me the first time I brought you here." The teenage boy, the one that was supposed to be her son, said with a deeply sad expression on his face, and she felt so guilty for making him suffer because he was looking like such a decent young man.
"Regina, show her." The blond man, said to be her father, requested.
She turned back to look at the woman with black hair standing in the corner of the room. Her arms crossed over her chest, she hadn't said anything since she had arrived, and was the only one looking more curious than actually concerned by the situation. They shared a look, and the brunette slowly nodded and told her in a deep voice :
"Don't be afraid, all right?"
It didn't reassure her at all. She stiffened and clenched her fists, sinking her nails deep into her skin to try and keep calm. Everything was looking so unfamiliar, and she was feeling so lost she wanted to start crying. Her eyes widened in panic as she watched the other woman focusing for a while, and a little flame appeared above her open palm. Emma gasped, and tried to step back before remembering she was sitting down and she couldn't go anywhere, linked to all these machines. Her breathing got faster, her heart was pounding so hard in her chest it was going to explode. It wasn't possible. It was a nightmare. None of this was real, it couldn't be.
Seeing her reaction, Regina closed her fist and stared at her friend with a worried expression on her face. Emma looked all around her, trying to find an escape, trying to reassure herself as everything seemed unfriendly. But she didn't manage to calm down. Despite all these people surrounding her, obviously caring about her, she was alone. All alone.
She bent her legs against her chest, wrapped her arms around her knees and took her head in her hands to close her eyes and start sobbing. Nothing was making sense anymore. She had a migraine, was feeling sick but, worst, she was feeling so lost. As if she was rediscovering her entire world, while these people were waiting for her to be a woman she knew nothing about. Why was this happening to her? What did she do wrong in her life to find herself in that position? Why wasn't she feeling like a person anymore? She was crying like a terrified little girl lost in an unknown place, calling after her parents with only the quiet answering her.
"Oh, sweetheart, it's okay. Calm down, everything is gonna be all right..." Killian whispered in a broken voice.
She felt a hand landing on her shoulder, and got stiff again, ready to jump at the slightest noise. She didn't know these people, she didn't know Killian. He was loving her so much, she could see it in the way he was looking at her, but he was a complete stranger. She got scared, and violently freed herself from his grip, continuing to cry as everything was falling apart. She only had the time to catch the deeply hurt expression the young man had on his face. Wanting to escape this hell, she laid down on her side, her back to the people that were supposed to be her family. She just wanted to sleep and forget. Maybe realize it had all been a nightmare and waking up to see someone's familiar face. She buried her head in the sheets, still sobbing, trying to ignore the others' stares in the back of her head.
Laying in fetal position on her side, her back turned to the door of the hospital room, Emma was awake for a few minutes but was pretending to sleep, her eyes closed, wrapped in the white sheets of her bed. She could hear Killian and her parents chatting behind her, but she really didn't want them to realize she wasn't asleep anymore. She didn't want to talk to them. She didn't want to face their eyes to see the pain shinning in it. Three days had passed since she had gotten out of her coma, but her head was still completely, desperately empty. She had the feeling she was living in hell, unable to escape from this horrifying situation. So, to try and forget about everything, she was spending most of her time sleeping, curled up in her bed, as it was the only thing that didn't give her the wish to run far away from everything.
She suddenly heard the door of the room opening, and the conversation her friends were having in a low voice in order not to wake her up got quiet. There were a few seconds of silence, and she wondered what was happening in her back, but she didn't want to move and take a look, she just wanted to keep pretending she was asleep. The voice of the doctor that was taking care of her – Doctor Whale if she was recalling well, but she'd had to encode so many names in such little time she wasn't sure anymore – ended up ringing in the room, breaking the worried quiet.
"She's sleeping again?"
"Yeah." Her mom – she had to get used to calling her that way, even if it was sounding wrong – answered in a whisper. "We're very worried. She barely eats, and talks only when she absolutely has too. I don't recognize her anymore. It's like she's letting herself die."
"You have to understand the situation is very complicated and scary for her. Can you imagine not remembering anything? She's probably afraid to death." The doctor defended her, and that made her feel a little bit better because someone was actually getting her reactions.
"I know she's scared, but it will get better when she'll get her memories back, right?" Killian asked with a bit of hope in his voice. "It's not going to be like that forever, she's going to be herself again and all of this will be behind us."
"To be completely honest, I have no idea what's going to happen." The doctor resumed a bit sheepishly. "Most of the time, the amnesia is only temporary."
"Most of the time?" Her father repeated with deep concern in his voice.
"Given the circumstances, I really can't promise you anything. I don't know if she's going to get her memories back or not..."
"What the bloody hell do you mean by that?!" Killian shouted in anger. "She has to remember! What you say is impossible! The woman who's laying there is not my Emma, do you understand? It's a stranger!"
"Shh!" Her mom cut him off. "You're going to wake her up, she needs to rest."
She closed her eyes to hold the tears back. What Killian had said was hard to hear, but he was right. She wasn't Emma Swan anymore, she knew it. They had all talked so much about her to try and help her remember, and she had understood how strong this woman was. She was always there for the people she loved, and was never letting someone get in her way. She was brave, selfless, and had saved this town so many times. She was a hero, who had lived horrible things in her life, but had managed to become a good person anyway. And this description of this amazing woman wasn't like her at all. She was so damn scared, all the time. She was spending most of her time crying or sleeping, was barely speaking, and she couldn't believe she had one day managed to use magic or save people. She was always terrified, and feeling like a little girl. Emma Swan was gone now, she had left with her memories. She didn't know who she was anymore.
"I'm sorry." Killian said in a broken voice that made her heart skip a beat, because she was feeling so bad for hurting him while he was loving her so much. "It's just… I want her back. I want to see her smile, and laugh, I even miss her mockeries. She's here, but it's not really her. And I miss her so much."
"We all do, Hook." Her dad said with a little sight.
"There is a good chance she's going to get her memories back, you know." The doctor tempered. "The only thing you can do right now is show her you're there, and you love her, no matter how different she is from the Emma Swan we all know."
"You're right. She needs to know we love her no matter what. She needs our support more than anything right now, we have to make her understand she isn't alone in this, and we're by her side." Her dad said very gently, and she thought to herself that she had no idea who he was, but he was probably always so sweet with her. "Come on, guys, let's get out of here for a bit. I think we all could use a cup of coffee." He added.
"We can't let Emma all alone here." Killian protested, and she guessed that despite the harsh words he had pronounced, he was still genuinely loving her, even if she wasn't the woman he had known before, and he would do anything for her to make her feel better. "You just said she needs us right now. Can you imagine if she wakes up and there's no one in the room? I don't want her to feel like we have let her down."
"It will only take a few minutes, and she's sleeping. She won't wake up. Come on, Hook." Her father insisted. "You need it, you're spending all your nights here, and you're exhausted."
He wavered for a long time, and she could feel his stare on the back of her neck as she was trying hard not to move at all. Thinking she was sound asleep, he ended up accepting the offer and they all got out of the room together. Emma waited to be sure they were far before sitting down on the bed, running her hand through her hair with a sight, not knowing what to think anymore. She was feeling so guilty to hurt these people she was guessing to be wonderful. And all of this was so confusing. They were lost because she wasn't the woman they had known, and were smothering her with love, but she just wanted to run away because their faces were reminding her she wasn't the woman she was supposed to be.
She needed to take her mind out of all of this. Take her mind out of her son's hurt expression when he was coming to see her, her parents' worry and the presence of Killian, even during the night, as she was hearing him cry when they were alone in the dark and he was thinking she was asleep. Searching for a distraction, she grabbed the book that was laying on the night table next to her bed. It was the fourth she was starting in three days, her parents making it a point to always bring her new ones as they were seeing it was the only think calming her down. Indeed, when she wasn't sleeping, she was reading. It was giving her a little escape from this sad reality that had become her life. These heroes were giving her hope that her situation could get better, exactly like in the novels. Have a happy ending. And it was also a way not to be forced to talk with her family. She was so scared to hurt them even more by saying something wrong and that was why she was quiet most of the time, lost in this living nightmare.
She immersed herself in the story and managed to relax a bit, as she wasn't feeling sad anymore. She only looked up a while later, when she heard the door opening again. She'd had the time to calm down, and even if she was still scared by her family's presence, she was now ready to face them. She placed the book next to her on the bed and moved, wrapping her arms around her bent legs and placing her head on her knees as she was seeing her close ones approaching her. She was sitting like that most of the time since she had come back to reality. When she was in that position, she had the feeling she could protect herself, as if she had an armor and nothing could really hurt her. She looked up almost sheepishly at Killian, who came to sit down next to her on the bed, looking half-relieved she was finally awake, half-sad he hadn't been there when she had opened her eyes.
"I'm so sorry you've woken up when we weren't there, love. We went away to grab a coffee. I knew I shouldn't have gone as well..."
She wanted to make him feel better, to finally be able to look at him in the eyes, to have a real conversation with him for the first time because she could tell he was an amazing man who would do anything for her. She tried, the hardest she could, but the pain she read in his gaze was too strong, and she felt tears forming in her eyes again. She was feeling unable to be the woman he loved, and ended up looking away despite her wish to reassure him.
"It's okay." She said in a low voice, trying not to start sobbing.
"How are you feeling? Is it aching somewhere?" He asked, probably thinking her shaky voice was because of the pain, and she saw he was about to reach for her cheek to comfort her, but he held back at the last second, remembering how she had reacted when he had tried to touch her before.
"No, I'm fine." She shrugged, and searching for an escape far from all of this, she added. "I'm just really tired again. I think I need to rest."
"It's okay, you can sleep." Her dad said with a kind smile. "We're staying here this time, you're safe."
She nodded and laid back down on the bed, purposely turning her back to her family. To stifle the sobs she was feeling stuck in her throat, she buried her face in her pillow and tried not to start crying again.
Sitting on the living room couch of her parents' loft, her arms wrapped around her legs, Emma was staring with curiosity and also a bit of worry at Killian, Mary-Margaret and David walking around the apartment. She couldn't believe she had actually lived there for years, with them, while this place was looking so unfamiliar. Luckily, the decoration was giving to the space a nice and comforting atmosphere that had managed to relax her a bit. But she was still feeling a bit uncomfortable, and was carefully looking at everything like a child discovering a new place, all of this in quiet as she was trying to become invisible.
She had gotten out of the hospital that same afternoon, and her parents had decided it was better for her to spend the night at the loft. They had said she had a house all to herself, but she wasn't living there for long and they had told her it was better if she was spending her first night in a place she had known very well. She knew all of this was an excuse to keep her close, as they were so scared something would happen to her again, but she didn't mind. It didn't matter to her where she was staying. Nothing was looking familiar, everything was completely new to her, so sleeping at one place or another was exactly the same.
"Here we go, honey." her mom said, driving her away from her thoughts, and she looked up to see her handing her a mug
Emma threw her mother a questioning look as she hadn't asked her for anything. She wasn't feeling like eating or drinking anything since she had woken up, all this horrible situation making her physically sick. Intrigued, she looked down at the cup and discovered it was containing a mix of hot coca and cinnamon. This was looking quite unusual to her, and she glanced at her mother again, trying to understand why she had prepared her this even if she was finding the gesture very sweet.
"It's your favorite drink." She explained with a somewhat sad smile. "I told myself maybe it would make you feel better. It always manages to comfort you, usually."
Emma smiled a bit shyly to thank her mom, and took a sip out of the mug. The hot drink burnt her throat, but it warmed her up at the same time, and, as Mary-Margaret had guessed it, it actually made her feel better. It even gave her a little bit of confidence, and she found the courage in herself to ask her mom as she was walking away from her, guessing she probably wanted to be alone with her thoughts :
"Hum… Can I ask you something?"
"Of course, Emma." her mom answered, turning to look at her and looking so happy that, for the first time, her daughter was actually starting a conversation and not just answering because she was forced to. "You can ask me anything, I'm here to help you."
"I just… Well, I was wondering..." She stuttered, searching for the right words to ask this question that was burning her lips for so long, but when she met her mom's gentle gaze, she understood she was not going to judge her at all and was just trying to help her remember who she was. "How did I call you, before? I mean, we are the same age, and I just wanted to know..."
"You were calling us mom and dad." David intervened, approaching them and looking so glad she was finally talking, what made her promise herself she would do this kind of things more often, because it was making her family so happy. "It took you time to accept who we were, but you ended up choosing these names."
"But you can call us anything you like." Her mom added, sharing a happy look with her father. "Whatever makes you feel more comfortable, okay? We just want you to feel good."
"Got it." She whispered in return with a little smile, relieved to finally see them happy about something concerning her. "Thanks."
Her parents smiled in return, and she noticed that Killian was standing behind them, looking relieved by the fact she was talking, but not knowing if he could approach her or not. She had noticed that he was always watching her from the corner of his eyes to make sure she was okay, and even if she was pushing him away, she could see he just wanted her to be happy again. So she decided to take the first step, trying to make things right between them because she couldn't ignore the shivers that were always running up her spine when their eyes were connecting. It was love, even if she didn't know him. Maybe if she opened up a little bit...
She then smiled at him, a bit sheepishly though, and the sight of his eyes sparkling in joy made her heart skip a beat. He was happy, for the first time she was managing to make him smile for real, and she was feeling pretty proud of herself for finding the strength to finally look at him in the eyes. Taking her look as an invitation, he approached her, slowly, as if she was a wild animal he was trying not to scare away, and came to sit down next to her on the couch.
"Are you okay, love? Are you hungry or something? Maybe you should eat, it will give you some strength back." He kindly offered.
"I'm okay, I don't really want to eat right now." She shrugged, for the first time managing not to look away. "But thanks."
"And what about rum?" He said in a teasing tone that made her giggle. "It always makes you feel better."
"Rum?" She repeated, a bit intrigued by this statement. "Seriously? So late? Is it something you usually do?"
The shadow that passed before Killian's eyes made her smile fade away. The spark that had been there for a few seconds was now gone, as if it had never existed. She understood that they had probably shared countless nights drinking rum together, and the fact she couldn't remember those times was paining him so much. He forced himself to smile, but she guessed his heart had broken a little bit more at her words. And she felt so guilty for forgetting why she didn't want to approach him in the first place : his presence was making her so sad. Because she could feel something special between them, something true and powerful, but she wasn't the woman he had known and was always reminding him of that. She wasn't the Emma he had fallen in love with, and even if he didn't want to show it to her, the bound they were sharing was able to tell her he was in pain. She had to avoid him, for his own well-being, until she had finally gotten some answers on this Emma that everyone was admiring so much. She didn't want to make him sad, but it wasn't her fault if she wasn't remembering anything, and all she could do for now was staying away from him.
"I'm tired." She then said in a broken voice to run away from the situation. "Can I go to bed?"
"Of course, honey, you're home here." Her mom answered with a gentle smile, but she guessed Mary-Margaret knew exactly what was going on between her and Killian, and it was paining her as well. "Your room is upstairs and you have clean clothes and everything you need in your closet. If you need anything, just call us and we'll come right away."
"Okay, thanks." She whispered, placing her still half-full mug on the coffee table and avoiding Killian's stare. "Good night"
And she walked up the stairs, trying not to look back, trying not to hurt these people that were obviously deserving the world even more because of something she couldn't control.
She put on yoga pants and a wide shirt, and curled up under the sheets, a bit comforted by the heat of the bed. But she found herself unable to fall asleep, she had too many thoughts crashing inside her already painful head as she was wondering if she would become Emma Swan again one day or if she was just going to be like that for the rest of her life. After half an hour, she heard someone walking up the stairs, and she pretended to be asleep, too confused to be ready to talk to someone. A few seconds later, she heard her dad starting to talk from the living room, and decided to listen to what he was saying because she had nothing more interesting to do anyway.
"She's asleep, everything's all right."
"I can't take it anymore." Killian said in a broken voice that made her want to start crying. "Look at her. We almost had something, she was finally opening up to me, and she must have sensed I got sad and thought it was because of her. I hate myself, she was finally smiling and I ruined everything."
"Hey, you didn't do anything wrong, Hook." Her mom reassured him in a gentle voice. "It's complicated for everyone, no one can blame you for being sad. We just have to explain her it's not her fault. We all have to talk to her, here. I can see she's scared of hurting us by saying something wrong, so her walls are getting right back up and she thinks she's alone in this horrible situation."
"But she's unhappy right now! And I should be with her on this, I should be able to talk to her, I was always the one able to reach her when she was putting her armor back on before!" Killian continued. "She's so sad, she's depressed, it's like she's letting herself die. And I want to do something for her, but I just can't! I don't know how to make her feel better, how to comfort her! I don't even know how to talk to her anymore, because she's avoiding me every time I try to say something, and it's all my fault, because I made her feel like she was the cause of my pain! She really doesn't need that in addition to everything right now, but I have no idea how to explain her she did nothing wrong, and I'm the one who's in fault. I don't know how to make her understand she can trust me again."
"Give her time, Hook." Her dad tempered. "She loves you, even without her memories, that's why she's scared of hurting you. It's all because she cares about you. She'll end up trusting you again, you'll see. When she'll remember, everything will fall back into place."
"We don't know if she's ever going to get her memories back! She could stay like this, even Whale doesn't know! And it's been a week since she has woken up. It should have gotten better by now..."
"Everything will be okay." David answered. "I'm sure of it. Our Emma is still there, buried somewhere. She's just scared. But she'll end up getting back. She'll find us, she always does."
Emma wrapped herself in her blankets, trying to stifle the conversation noises. She was getting their words, she was getting that they weren't blaming her and just wanted her to be happy, but it wasn't making her feel any better. They were all waiting for Emma Swan to come back, and she didn't know if she could do such a thing.
Desperate, she buried her face into the pillow to cry in silence.
"And this one has been taken at Granny's during a party to celebrate our return from the Enchanted Forest. Everyone was so happy to see us again, and we had decided to reunite our friends. We all know each other in this down, so when a crisis is over, we always throw a party to celebrate. It's a sort of tradition."
Emma barely glanced at the umpteenth pictures her mother was showing her, getting more and more annoyed by the minute, but this particular photograph drew her attention. She stared at her and her mom for a little while, focused. She was smiling at the camera, a glass of beer in her hand. She was looking happy. Emma ended up looking up to Killian and Henry, who were both staring at her in worry from the other sofa in which they were settled. She didn't say anything back, secretly hoping for all of this to be over soon, but her mom didn't seem to notice her impatience, and turned a page of the photo album to resume speaking in a cheerful tone that was sounding completely wrong.
They were all settled in her house for more than an hour now, her parents, Killian, Henry and her. Her mom was talking so much, barely taking the time to catch her breath, showing her pictures that weren't reminding her of anything, hoping these happy memories would help her remember. Meanwhile, Emma was trying not to explode in anger. She wanted to start sobbing and yelling at the same time. Her parents had good intentions, but she just wished they would understand it wouldn't do anything to help her, expect frustrate her to death. The more the time was passing, the more her sadness was transforming into anger. Her memories would probably never come back, and it was making her so mad, especially because her family didn't want to accept the fact their precious Emma was gone, and she was the only thing left of her. She would never be enough.
"...You remember?"
She hadn't listened to her mom for a few minutes, trying to curb her anger because she knew Mary-Margaret only meant well, and it wasn't her fault she was feeling so bad. She just wanted her daughter back, and it would take time for her to accept the fact she wasn't there anymore. So she was trying to take some deep breaths, ignoring her mom's voice that had become no more than a buzzing sound, but the last sentence drew her attention. She knew deep down her mom had only asked her that without thinking, she didn't really know what she had just said, but it was too much. All this anger she had kept inside of her for so long exploded, and she couldn't hold it back anymore :
"What the hell are you talking about?! Of course I don't remember! I don't remember anything!" She yelled, jumping off the couch where she was sitting to walk away from this hell.
Her family looked up from the ground, not getting this sudden outburst. She had been so quiet since she had woken up, she was barely speaking to avoid bothering people, so it was the first time she was actually getting mad and they were all staring at her in surprise. But she couldn't stop now. Everything was coming to the surface, and she couldn't control the words that were coming out of her mouth anymore.
"Stop trying, for god's sake! Can't you see? Can't you see your Emma is gone? Your tries only remind me I'm not the person you want me to be, and I'm hurting all of you! Do you think it's easy for me to see you in pain? I don't need this, okay? I don't need this in addition to everything! I don't even know who I am anymore! I know you want me to remember, but I think I want this even more, because I feel empty inside, I'm nothing! And I know I'm not the same Emma I was before, but maybe you should get used to it, because at this point I'm pretty sure the memories from this life you always talk to me about are gone! Disappeared! So accept this, or leave me the fuck alone, because I can't take this anymore!"
Her family stayed speechless, so shocked by these harsh words she had pronounced without even thinking about them. They were all looking so sad it hit her like a punch in the stomach, and she turned back to go and lock herself in her room, the only place where she could be in peace. Where they would stop, because it was driving her crazy. Where she couldn't see they hurt expressions anymore.
"Emma, wait!" Her mom said in her back, what made her stop. "We are so sorry, honey, truly. We love you, with or without your memories. We know it's scary and hard, and we shouldn't have tried this all thing. We'll stop, I promise. We'll stop trying to make you remember."
"It's just too much!" She yelled as a husky sob was shaking her shoulders.
She was about to continue, to finally admit to her family how hard these past few days had been, to tell them how lost she was feeling, but an acute pain in her head made her stop right away. Her brain was feeling like crushed by an inhuman strength, and her stomach turned upside down as a cold sweat was covering her forehead. She placed both her hands on her head and bent to try and escape the horrible pain that had become her entire body.
My head is going to explode, she thought, completely confused. When the pain got too strong, raving, she started to yell without being able to contain herself, so convinced she was going to die, right there, in the middle of this living room that had once been her home.
"Emma? Emma, baby what's wrong?"
Killian's voice was sounding so distorted in her mind. She didn't know how to answer, and hundreds of flashes started to scroll in front of her eyes, that were wide open in fear. She got blinded, but couldn't do anything except looking at them with the feeling she was about to pass out.
I'm turning insane.
But then the flashes of light started to change to become images. Real images, with people smiling on it, looking happy. She heard laughter, her own voice, recognized her home, her parents' loft, Granny's. She got quiet, staring at what was now happening in front of her with fascination. And she understood.
I'm not insane, I remember… she realized before everything went black.
"Emma? Emma can you hear us? Oh god, David, call Whale!"
"Swan, please… If you can hear us, talk to us, love, we're so scared..."
Emma was slowly regaining consciousness, and everything fell back into place in her brain, still a bit painful because of what she had just lived. She felt like it was working again, after days of resting. She knew who she was, finally. She opened her eyes all at once and immediately met Killian's face, who was leaning above her. Tears were streaming down his face and his hand was in her hair, probably thinking something bad had happened to her. But she was herself again, and she was so damn relieved. Without thinking about it as her heart was pounding in her chest, she sat down, ignoring the pain in her head, and threw herself into his arms, burying her face into the crook of his neck.
He seemed surprised at first, but wrapped his arms around her as well. She knew he had no idea what was going on, it was the first time in days she was searching for a contact with him, but she needed his arms to make sure everything was real and she wasn't dreaming. She opened her mouth to explain what had just happened, but the fear she'd had to never be herself again and all the hell she had been through was too much, and she started to sob, running his hand through Killian's hair to pull him closer to her.
"Hey… Hey, sweetheart, it's all right… Everything is going to be okay, I promise..." He gently said in a broken voice, holding her close to try and comfort her.
"Killian, I… I remember. I remember!" She repeated, almost yelling and pulling a little bit away to look at him more carefully and make sure he was real.
"You… you what?" Hook and Henry both stuttered at the same time, and she wrapped one of her arms around her son's shoulders to pull him close to her chest.
She felt her parents embracing her as well as they had knelt next to her on the floor, and gave them their hug back, so relieved to be herself again. She was finally breathing. She knew who she was. She was someone. The Savior. The lost little girl who had found a home. After a long while, her family let go of her, tears streaming down their faces, and she turned back to Killian again. He was staring at her like she was an angel coming right from heaven, and she reached to wipe a tear that was running down his cheek. He cupped her face, very gently, as if he was scared to break her, and approached his face to make sure he wasn't dreaming and she was actually there.
"Swan..." He finally whispered as his forehead was pressed against her own.
She ran her hand through his hair again, tickled the back of his neck, trying to comfort him as his presence was reassuring her as well. They were reunited again, finally, for real this time, and she couldn't have been happier about it. She started to talk, wanted to make him understand how sorry she was for what she had done to him :
"I'm so sorry. I hurt you, I didn't mean to..."
"Don't you dare apologize, my love." He cut her off, his lips almost brushing against her mouth. "I'm the one who's sorry. I should have been there. I should have supported you, and I just made you feel worse. I love you. I love every version of you. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me to."
"It's okay, you don't have to blame yourself, you tried, you were just sad. I get it. I love you." She whispered against his mouth.
And, without thinking, without paying attention to her parents and her son next to them, she cupped his face and kissed him so passionately he moaned against her lips. She wasn't blaming him at all. He had been there for her, he had been so sweet with her the entire time, he was just sad because she was gone. But she was there, now, beside him, and for the first time, she realized they had made it. He was alive. They were in Storybrooke, in the house he had chosen for them. Together, finally, after so many separations. And she was so damn happy to be home.
"I've missed you."
Killian's voice made her wake up as she had almost fallen asleep in his arms. Her head on his bare chest, his arm around her shoulders, her legs above his to get even closer to him. Their naked skins touching made her shiver in happiness as she was snuggling even deeper into his loving arms.
"I've missed you too. Let's never get separated again."
As an answer, he got above her to press a series of little kisses down her naked stomach as she was moaning in pleasure, her back aching and her hands grabbing his hair, trying to find the air she was suddenly lacking.
It was as if faith had decided to test them one last time by making her forget who she was. But he hadn't left, he had never abandoned her. They had proved more than once their love was true, they had never let the other down.
They had passed the test. Their future had been delayed for the last time. Now, they could begin their life together. Finally.
Here we go! I hope you liked it, don't hesitate to leave a review on your way out! :)