Robin Angst Fic. (7/27/12)

No one knows me like you do…no one will ever know me like you do. So why did you leave me? Why did you leave me for her? Am I not good enough? I know I am young, and that I have my immature moments, but am I that bad that you would abandon me? I guess so…

Wally told me he loved me. He said that I would have nothing to worry or fear. I was still confused though… It was not only my first relationship, but also the first time I even thought about being with a guy. I was scared…yes I, Robin, was scared of something as stupid as a relationship…

I trusted him with my identity…and I trusted him with my heart. Why would he go and do that to me? It was a later night at Mount Justice. We hadn't been called on any missions in a while and people were getting restless. I went in the gym to see if I could train a little before heading to bed. And that's when I saw them… Wally was on top of her, on one of the training mats. He was kissing, biting, and humping her! I felt my heart crumble. He was supposed to be mine…

I dropped my gym bag and ran to my room. I didn't want anyone to see me cry, especially not him. I sat in my bed and I cried for a while. I felt so alone. I was so angry and hurt, and confused…I didn't know what to do with myself…

(~present time~)

I am only sixteen…I don't know how to deal with a broken heart. I never asked for this throbbing pain in my chest that makes it too hard to breathe. Wally keeps banging on my door, asking me to open it with a voice that stings. He sounds so hurt…

"Rob…please…it isn't what you think. I never meant for you to see that. I never meant for you to know… Rob…Dick please open up so I can talk to you. I don't want to say this through a door." Wally pleaded. I didn't move from my spot on the bed. I was clutching a pillow, crying silently into it, wishing it was him, wishing this didn't happen and that he would hold me and tell me everything was alright.

"Fine…don't open…" I heard him slump against and slide down the door. "Robin…Dick, I'm sorry. I should have told you. It…what we have doesn't feel…right to me. I mean, I do care for you, you're my bro, my best friend, there will always be that love for you in my heart. But…I don't see it working out between us the way it does with…her. Please Dick, please forgive me. Please talk to me."

I couldn't say anything. After all I've been through in life I never thought I could feel so completely and utterly empty. He sat at my door for an hour before he finally left. I love him…I do…but if he wants to be with a woman…I shouldn't stop him. I should let him be happy even if I have to suffer in silence…I would do anything to make him happy… I fell asleep in a puddle of my tears, to wake up cold the next morning.

I walked quietly out of my room; the sun was just coming up as far as I could tell. I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. I needed to find something that would help me swallow the lump in my throat. Wally was sitting at the counter; it looks like he didn't sleep. I sat next to him, sipping my water. I cleared my throat and he looked at me, worried.

"Don't worry about it, Wally. If you want to be with her, go for it. I understand." I gave him the most believable smile I could muster at the time. He gave a weak smile back.

"You okay?" he asked quietly. I nodded, and finished off the water in my glass. He would never know how hurt I was. I couldn't let him. "Alright Rob." He got up, gave me a short hug and walked off down the hall to her room. I sighed. That horrid empty feeling was back with a vengeance. I slunk back into my room…how could I deal with this…? Maybe I should just die…

And in this moment I don't know what I am thinking… I took one of the bird-a-rangs from my belt, rolled up my sleeve and carved until I didn't feel empty. In my daze I didn't realize I had cut out a word…alone… that's all I could feel. With each passing day I saw them together and I just wanted to go deeper, hit harder, this way maybe I couldn't feel anything anymore. The blood, the cuts, the knives; I hid them all. No one could know that I was destroying myself… no one could know I was helpless.

My cutting habit had gotten worse as time went on…it went from small curious ones to deeper hurtful scarring ones. They had expanded to not only my arms but also my thighs. If anyone saw I would just say that I got it from patrol, or that I cut myself on gym equipment. No one questioned them… and that is what scared me even more. No one cared. No one noticed my pain.

Two weeks passed since I saw them together in the gym. In that two week window of time I have given up on myself. As heroes we are told never to give up. As Batman's protégé I was taught never to let your emotions get in the way of being a hero. I've let them all down when I gave up on myself. With me being who I am, I can't live with the guilt of letting so many people down…so I decided tonight…I was going to stop it all.

I sat in my bathroom…I left my bedroom door open, so that it wouldn't be long for someone to find me…after this I don't want to hide my pain, because I won't feel any of it anymore. I had everything ready. A knife sat on the counter, and a bottle of meds sat next to it. Down the hall I could hear them arguing: Wally and her. I didn't hear what they were saying, and I didn't care. I took a few deep breathes to calm myself before I picked up the knife.

One cut.

It was deep, and it was jagged, and it was what I needed. Tears fell from my blue eyes, my chest shook with sobs. The only thing I could think of was when he whispered "I love you" for the first time. A small sad smile spread across my lips at the memory.

Two cuts.

The second one was long, it spanned from my inner wrist to my elbow. More tears fell. I was actually doing this to myself…and no one was going to stop me. I set the bloody blade down in the sink and looked at the prescription. I opened the cap and just as I did the bathroom door opened. Wally… he looked at me horrified and grabbed the bottle from me.

"D-dick…" tears sprung into his emerald eyes. His voice was…scared. The look on his face broke me, and I fell to my knees sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. He followed me to the ground, took a hold of my arms and tired to stop the bleeding. I couldn't stop him from trying to help…I was so tired. He pulled me into his lap, holding me close. "d-dick stay a-awake pl-ease." He sobbed into my hair. I couldn't do it though…I felt so cold on the inside for so long, but with his arms around me again…I felt safe. My eyes slipped closed and everything went black.

The next thing I knew I was waking up to bright lights. My arms felt heavy and sore, I looked at them. They were wrapped tightly with gauze and were cuffed to the bed. I heard quiet sobbing to the side of me. I turned my head and saw Wally with his face in his hands.

"W-Wally…?" I whispered hoarsely. His head snapped up and he looked at me.

"Dick...Oh thank god you're okay…" His face said it all. He was sad, scared, hurt, confused, and worried. I don't see why…I'm not worth worrying about. "D-dick…" he told hold of one of my hands. "Please…why would you do this?" His voice was just as broken as I felt. I stayed quiet for a little while, tears welled up in my eyes and without my mask to hide behind I couldn't stop them from falling.

"I-I did it because I was lost…" I took a deep breath, trying to steady my shaking voice. "I love you Wally…and to see you w-with her…i-it destroyed something inside me… I-I felt e-empty. I-I didn't k-know how to d-deal with it so i-I started to cut, just to feel…something. I-I gave up on myself…I-I l-let you all down." I sobbed, and I saw how his eyes only got sadder and sadder. I bite my lip and looked away from him. "I thought I would be better off dead…" I whispered between tears.

He shook his head, unable to speak. I thought he was mad at me. "W-Wally…p-please don't be mad. I-I never wanted you to find out-" He cut me off.

"Dick, I'm not mad…I'm sad, and I'm…disappointed you would think like that. You're one of the strongest people I know…" he shook his head again, and licked his lips. "How wouldn't I find out Dick? They would have found your body and then would have been too late!" He was crying harder.

"t-too late for what…?" I asked meekly.

"…Too late you tell you I made the biggest mistake by pushing you away…by pushing you to do this… Dick I'm so sorry. I don't know why I would want anyone else besides you. I love you and I see that now. I-I just wish…that it didn't take almost losing you to realize it. Please, please, forgive me Dick. I never in all my life wish to hurt you the way I did." His sobbing got too strong for him to keep going. I tried to quiet him, to hush him. But with my arms restrained I couldn't. I couldn't reach out and brush his tears away. I couldn't pull him in for a tight hug and bury myself in his neck.

"Wally…let my arms free please." I whispered. He looked at me.

"Y-you won't hurt yourself?" he asked warily, fingering the restraints. I nodded calmly. He untied them. I reached out, brushing the tears from his flushed, freckled cheeks. I gave him a soft sad smile.

"I'm sorry…I love you…" I said softly. More tears welled into his green pools; I pulled him close so he lay with me in the medical bed. I clung to him, letting him cry into my chest as I silently cried into his flaming hair. This was a big mistake in my life, and I only hope he and I will be strong enough to move past it together.

~fin~