This scene kept repeating in my head, so I felt the need to write it. Please enjoy your cup of tea served with tears! Pairing; None (but if you squint you can see some hidashi)
Warning; Angst, angst, angst and more angst.
Disclaimer; I do not own Big Hero 6.
We'll take it as it comes.
In my opinion it was a ridiculous advice and an even lousier comforting phrase, yet it was one of the many quotes that my brother Tadashi loved to use whenever he felt it to be appropriate, which was all the time.
He would speak in riddles whenever we were studying; saying stuff that would make less sense each and every time he said it.
He would use them whenever we fought- effectively making me much more pissed might I add-and it would always end up with either of us storming out of the room for a breather.
He also used them to lecture me; quoting stuff like ''don't fight the problem, decide it." or "Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it." Like, what does that even mean?!
And the worst of it all was that he expected me to understand all them. I mean sure, some of them I do understand, but most of the time they just made me more confused with all those weird and complicated sentences.
I'm only a teen; A pre-teen at that! My intellect regarding robotics may be way above the average kids my age, but poetry or simple literature never interested me enough to actually start reading it.
However that never stopped my older brother from trying to infect my mind with those brainwashing lines of his, and let me tell you that I did give him an earful of complains lots of times, alas they always seemed to provide Tadashi with more enthusiasm and need to burn them into my brain even further.
Although to be completely fair with my big bro, there were times where I could appreciate them; Times where I could somehow understand them much easier without groaning in response.
I remember one time when Tadashi was very sick.
It was fairly long ago-probably around my 6th birthday- and Tadashi and I were in the living room watching TV while our aunt was tending the café. I remember that my brother had asked our aunt if she needed assistant with the costumers since it was the beginning of summer, thus leading to many anxious college students in need of a coffee refill that would help them pass all the exams, but she had declined the offer; saying that she was okay and that he should go rest up and spend time with me instead.
So there we both sat all alone with just the TV emitting its sounds, and I remembered it to be a somewhat awkward atmosphere around us, however I can't recall if we'd fought earlier that day or not. Either way the air had made me feel uncomfortable and anxious, and whilst I remember with certainty that Tadashi looked the same way that I felt neither of us dared to speak for a good 30 minutes.
I recall that I had been worried for my brother, although for what I do not remember but I am fairly certain that it was something related to how much he overworks himself despite his fever.
Yeah, that's how my brother was even then; always available, selfless and incredibly stupid.
I remember him clearing his throat each and every second throughout those 30 minutes that we had in silence, and I also remember sensing him shake from being cold despite it being 25+ in the room.
I recall myself asking him if he was ok to which he'd hurriedly answer using a rough and barely audible voice 'of course, don't you worry 'bout me.'
Then I remember him coughing and hearing his breath become uneven and rapid, almost frantic, and I remember how fear had frozen me in place. My eyes must have been wide as plates and full of fear, because I remember the exact feeling of how miserable and useless I felt then.
My brother chipped for air through coughs and hiccups, having started crying because of the lack of air; driving him to a pre-state of panic.
"Dashi!" I recall myself shouting through tears and whimpers. Apparently I had too started to cry somewhere along the lines. "Dashi, stop! You have to breathe!"
But despite my instructions and act of worry Tadashi still couldn't fully breathe, which had led me to sob incessantly and screaming for Aunt Cass to help.
After that I don't remember much more other than my aunt calling the ambulance. It was a horrible experience that I then wished to never ever occur again, and I'm honestly grateful to not remember most of the details of the scene. It was painful enough having only a small fragment of it.
However what I do remember is this single line of words that Tadashi had said to me the first time we went to visit him on the hospital.
"I will not die without fighting for a life I am not yet done living." he had spoken, his breath having been erratic and shaky, yet his eyes had held more life than ever before.
Around that time I couldn't understand how he could look so happy after all that had happened to him, I mean he had almost died! However now I think I'm starting to realize what it was, although it had not been happiness he had felt, but proudness.
He was proud to have conquered the illness; to have simply survived the attack and to live up to his own expectations.
He overcame death once, and I know exactly how that feels like.
"Hiro, I am sensing a sign of distress. Is everything alright?" came the ever caring voice of my companion Baymax.
I stared down at my worn out book with pages full of scrabbles, thoughts and emotions, wondering silently to myself when I'd started to actually write stuff in the old diary that I got ages ago.
"Yeah Baymax, I'm alright." I answered calmly as I put the book away in one of my many drawers. "Just…revisiting the past."
I turned around in my work chair and came face to face with my fluffy friend, flashing him a reassuring smile. However it seemed that Baymax was not buying it as his eyes squinted to slits and he crossed his arms over his stomach, an act he'd learned from observing and learning. It was almost scary how good the robot had gotten to read me over the years that had passed.
I sighed and scratched my head." I'm fine, I promise."
"On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate this emotional crises that you stubbornly describe as 'fine'? " he asks, the small emoticons now visible on his stomach, and I swear to the gods that he's mocking me in some way.
Nevertheless I give in, knowing that there's no point in trying to deny this stubborn robot, and I do speak from experience when I say that he will not stop asking until you tell him.
"6…or a weak 7." I admit weakly, the grief I earlier felt slowly creeping its way up to my conscious, though I try to keep the smile on, not for Baymax's sake but for my own. "It's just…it gets harder around this time of year, y'know?"
Baymax seemed to consider this information for a moment before nodding. "Is today the day of his anniversary?"
I nodded absentmindedly as I answered. " Yeah…it is."
Baymax tilted his head in mild concerns, probably more than worried about my current emotional condition, however "I see." was the only response I got from my friend.
We both stayed quiet for a while then, which was surprisingly awkward considering it was only me and Baymax, but I then realized that neither of us has been in this sort of situation before. Well, perhaps we had now that I think about it, but it never was quit intense as this.
"I miss Tadashi." Baymax suddenly stated and my eyes shot up to meet his concerned and truly sadden expression. " I might not be programmed with the essential emotions to be considered human, but I do still have a soul. A soul which Tadashi created for me with the purpose of caring for others."
I stared at him completely baffled. "Baymax…"
"and while I may not understand certain emotions such as grieve or sorrow, I can still see them on my friends. You , Hiro, in particular."
And without my consent or order Baymax stepped forward and effectively trapped me in his wide arms; holding me close in a heartfelt hug.
"This is what Tadashi wanted me to become. This is why I was constructed and created; to care for others, and I would wish to think that Tadashi would have been happy to see that I'm fulfilling his expectations."
And just like that I simply gave up on my useless façade and desperately clanged on to Baymax. Warm tears ran down my cheeks and sobs continuously escaped my dry throat, but I didn't care. I cried my heart out, something which I hadn't done in a long while, and I could feel the warm hand of Baymax rubbing my back in a soothing and comforting manner.
"H-he would be proud." I managed between endless sobs and I hugged him even closer. "He would be so proud of you, Baymax."
And that was how Baymax and I spent the passing hour, and whilst I felt truly childish for crying like a baby I still felt glad that Baymax was there to comfort me. Yes, while it was embarrassing I also knew that Baymax would never judge me for showing emotions.
In my opinion I'm fairly certain that my big brother weren't done living yet. I think he had a lot to live for and a lot to learn still. He could've been here with me and Baymax, together with me again. We could've been creating new machines and robots together and we could've used them to make the world a better place. Together we could've accomplished so much; we could've changed so much, but that will never be reality.
However while I can't change the terrible past behind me, I can still create a much brighter future with the help of my friends and personal health care companion. It won't be as I had planned it, and it will take time to adjust to this life without my brother, but I will survive and I will carry on Tadashi's wish on helping the world.
How? Well…We'll take it as it comes.