Jellal hated each time when he held Erza in an embrace.
He hated how he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, squeezing her tiny, dirty, wounded and trembling body to the point of making it hard for her to breath and whispering to her his new revelation on achieving true freedom by reviving Zeref, when she came to save him from the torture chamber in the Tower of Heaven. He had believed that she would always stay by his side, supporting him in realizing their dream. But when she refused to cooperate with him, he didn't listen to her reasoning, banished her from the tower and threatened her with their friends' lives.
It was the first time he lost her, and the first time she lost him too.
He hated how he circled her torso with his arms to pull her no longer weak and skinny but strong and curvaceous body against his chest, hugging her tightly as if he was promising her that he wouldn't let her leave him again even in death while she wrapped her arms around his neck, when the Etherion was about to come down on the Tower of Heaven. He was only deceiving her with his acting, however, because all he wanted in that moment was to make her the sacrifice to make his corrupted dream come true. When he finally released her from his hold after the Tower had absorbed the Etherion, he didn't push her away this time but pushed her into the lacrima for recreating Zeref's body.
Luckily, his plan failed miserably.
She was once again out of his reach as he fell into coma and drifted in the ocean after taking her place in fusing with the Etherion while she returned safely to her friends.
He hated how his hands first caressed her cheek wet with tears with guilt, then slid down to her neck with gentle touches until they reached her shoulders and held them firmly, before he pulled her to him while he leaned down to her closing the distance between their faces slowly with all the intention to kiss her, forgetting for a moment that a sinner like him didn't deserve her.
But such a moment didn't last long. He pushed her away when their lips brushed slightly against each other, remembering that he couldn't fall in love with people who walked the path of light and rejected her with a blatant lie.
She accepted his decision to let her go and they continued to live their lives separately.
Jellal would always hate the way he pressed Erza against his chest until there was no space left between their bodies as if they were a whole together when she never belonged to him. And he would forever hate the way he secured her between his chest and arms as if he was protecting her from getting hurt by the world outside his embrace when he was the one who hurt her the most.
But if Jellal thought that his past experiences of holding Erza in his arms were bad enough due to either the stupid reasons behind or the terrible consequences that followed, he was wrong.
As he carefully slipped his arms under Erza's limp body with bleeding wounds opened up all over her skin to lift her up from the ship deck, holding her securely and protectively against him to carry her back to the harbour of Hargeon to look for urgent medical treatment, Jellal now found that having to hold Erza in his arms because she was too injured and too broken to do anything herself was the kind of embrace he really hated the most to give to her.
He hated to see how helpless, how vulnerable, how lifeless Erza looked in his arms when her eyes were closed, her breath was slow and shallow and her body was cold.
Yet, Jellal refused to put Erza down, to pass the job to Kagura. He was scared, so very feared, that if he released his clasp on her shoulder, that if he didn't hold her firmly against him, he would forever lose her for real this time.
It didn't take long for Jellal to reach the house where guilds gathered under Kagura's lead. Although he felt a little bit relieved that Erza could finally receive the medical treatment she dearly needed, he had still hesitated for a brief moment before detaching himself from her as he followed Wendy's instruction to lay Erza down on the bed.
And then he realized that, regardless of what had driven him to pull Erza in for an embrace in the past, and no matter what would lead her to fall into his arms in the future, Erza would never weight as heavy as the emptiness currently settled in his free arms.
"Can I stay, Wendy?"
With Wendy's permission, Jellal sat at the bedside and held one of Erza's hand in his while Wendy cast healing magic on Erza, praying that he would still have the chances to hold Erza against him in the future and promising to her that he would cherish every one of them and not make any of them his regret again.