This author does not own Kim Possible, and this story was written for the author's own personal amusement.
TRANSCRIPT: National Security Consultation Session 171a-20020103e
CLASSIFICATION: Restricted
DATE: 01/03/2002
[Transcript Begins]
"So, in conclusion, you recommend the immediate termination of Operation ANACONDA?"
"That is correct, Director. During my time in your seat, I found the mujahedeen most effective in screwing over the Soviets in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, recent events have put us into their shoes."
"We will consider your recommendation."
"I certainly hope you do. Afghanistan wasn't a country when I was in your seat – we made sure of it - and it certainly isn't one today. Personally, I'd prefer to give up on trying to build a nation in that territory and just bomb the warlords every now and then."
"Of course, ma'am. Now on to the next item on the agenda – there's the issue of your granddaughter. I presume you read the briefing?"
"I popped in to my son's for a visit last week and had a long chat with my Kimberly Ann instead."
"Ma'am, with all due respect, your granddaughter may not have been completely forthcoming with…"
"Young man, I was extracting information from Algerians before your parents were born."
"Of course. And I believe you would agree that her activities should be… curtailed. For your granddaughter's own safety if nothing else."
"Absolutely not."
"Excuse me? Your granddaughter is barely fourteen and she's travelling out-of-country alone…"
"She's not alone."
"Forgive me for ignoring the minor accompanying her - who happened to fail Physical Education, Science, and English last year."
"Director, my granddaughter can handle herself just fine."
"Ma'am, your granddaughter is endangering the lives of servicemen and women who will one day have to get her out of a sticky situation – not to mention diplomatic relations with countries pissed off that one of our citizens is administering justice to criminals in their jurisdictions…"
"Listen to yourself. Endangering. Pissed off. Since when has this council been dominated by such negativity?"
"Ma'am… as our motto says, paranoia is our profession."
"My granddaughter is making the world a better place, one "mission" at a time."
"She is creating problems."
"She is generating goodwill. Take a look at the news, Rick. She's the feel-good story of the year – scratch that, decade. Since our interventions in Afghanistan, Somalia, and Kosovo, we've been losing goodwill by the bombload."
"She is a menace to continued…"
"She is an embodiment of our values and a symbol of our martial and technological supremacy – and of our good intentions."
"Are you suggesting that the value of your granddaughter lays in her usefulness as a… propaganda… information warfare tool?"
"You think too well of me, Rick. I love my grandchildren too much for that. What I'm saying is that besides the fact that I believe her activities to be in her own interest, her activities happen to be very useful to us: too useful for us to curtail them…"
"I understand the propaganda angle, but…"
"Do not interrupt. Did you know that she has established a network of former clients who willingly provide her with information and transportation?"
"Yes, but…"
"Were you aware that among her rapidly growing list of clients are influential Russian oligarchs, French media moguls, and Pakistani businessmen?"
"Are you suggesting…"
"Kimberly Ann trusts me. I know just the person she should hire to help manage her operations – and, more importantly for us, handle communications with her clients. He happens to be on our payroll."
"Ma'am, a case officer would give the game away to…"
"I was actually thinking of a software engineer. A certain Dr. Load… the 8-year old kid who's been working with us on-and-off for the past year… I'm sure he'd be interested. Nobody's going to suspect a kid…"
"We'll have to clear this with…"
"And for this to be sustainable, we're going to have to provide "Team Possible" with funding. What they'll need is a bargain compared to the Tomahawks and Rods from God we've been using. Anonymous donations, completely off the books, of course…"
"You do realize you're invoking a conflict of interest…"
"If that were of concern, you wouldn't have consulted me in the first place – and since this is being done off the books, there will be no public inquest. And we'll need to pull some strings on our end to get Defense to give her lifts. I don't trust the rickety aircraft she's been gallivanting around in."
"Your recommendations have been noted. This isn't over."
"Of course it isn't. She's still technically doing things in a legal grey area."
"I'll say. Skydiving, travelling across international borders without a guardian, going into potential warzones, all without proper training, documents, vaccinations…"
"I say we actively move her into proper legal territory."
"Oh?"
"We can't have unqualified teenagers running around the world! Think about the social stability implications! We'll have copycats putting their lives at risk in no time! And I am not going to stand by and let some headline-hungry lawyer ruin my granddaughter's future!"
"What are you suggesting?"
"We give her a guardianship exam. We do it all the time with adults, and there are no legal hurdles in this country forbidding minors from taking one."
"What if she fails?"
"We shut her down. Like I said, we can't have copycats running around. I am confident, however, that she will pass."
"And what of her friend?"
"We'll sign Kimberly Ann up as his legal guardian."
"Is that even legal?"
"I called in a favor from Professor Student. It's legal – under our rules only, of course. You can read his report."
"And the qualifications? Or lack thereof…"
"We put her through the training necessary to pass the exams, and run her through the qualification system. I've already asked Colonel Kilgore to reserve two spots in every Special Warfare training and qualification program in the book."
"The friend will never make it through."
"He doesn't have to. He is an "innocent bystander". All he has to do is pass the skydiving and scuba qualifications for interoperability. I've already pulled in favors from Colonel McNeil, and he's volunteered to oversee the training."
"All you need is approval from…"
"You. As head of Special Activities, you have authorization to put people through "necessary training" off the books – and recruit minors. I distinctly recall training 12-year-olds as counter-insurgents in Laos back when I was in that chair, and that when I gave you the job, SAD was still recruiting operatives from among the… "adult-equivalent-individuals" of Somalia."
"I'll need some time to think about it, Nancy."
"You have until tomorrow to say yes."
"Excuse me?"
"I've already cleared it with Director Chu and the NIC. Ask him for instructions."
"So I'm the fall guy if this goes south?!"
"Relax. It's all being done on my tab."
"In that case…"
"I trust you will exercise your proper judgment and come to a decision… promptly."
[Transcript Ends]