It was there. Every day. Every hour.
big, and empty and aching like a great whole In her chest.
It pulsed throughout her, coursing fear and doubt through her mind and her heart.
Was this okay? Or was it too much? Had She said too much or not enough? Was she good enough? Did they like her?
Were they going to send her away?
This was her greatest fear. Skye loved this team. She loved the Bus. She liked watching FitzSimmons banter and training with Ward and laughing with Phil and curling up quietly in the cockpit with May.
They made her feel safe, the team. But also unbelievably afraid! What if she messed up? What if she did something wrong and they hated her, if they decided she wasn't worth the trouble and left her back at square one.
Alone.
Afraid.
Empty.
Her chest filled with a massive hole.
Skye wasn't stupid. She knew they wouldn't keep her around forever. She was too broken, too messed up for them to actually want her. She didn't deserve this, this small piece of comfort.
She was bad. She was wrong. She was worthless.
And hacking a few systems for them wasn't going to change that.
But she didn't want to leave.
But she messed things up.
But she could change.
But maybe this level of bad luck couldn't be changed.
But Skye couldn't give up hope. It was small and flickering, just a spark, tiny and stubborn but it grew just a little stronger each day. It brightened whenever she fought with Fitzsommons over Doctor Who and when she beat Ward at board games and sat curled up in comforting silence with may. It was the long nights in the cockpit that were the most reasuring. The fact that May allowed her to hang out in there alone had to stand for something, right?
And then the incident with Miles happened. She had screwed up big time. And it showed. Shining brightly in the way Fitzsimmons stared on with looks of faint confusion and betrayal. May no longer left the door to the cockpit slightly open at night and Ward didn't even bother to wake her up at dawn for training.
And Coulson...Coulson was the worst. He just looked at her with dissapointment. Like Skye had crossed some unforgivable line, and she had. She had betrayed them for her stupid ex. This was her own doing and it was only fair she reap the consequences.
At first Skye had hoped it would die down in a week or two but the looks and the silence lingered.
Deep within Skye the aching holes widened and her hope died. She knew the inevitable had finally arrived. She just wished she could've had just a little more time.
They were going to get rid of her.
Skye knew she deserved it. Knew that they were better off without her. But she didn't want to let go. She didn't want to pack her bags and say goodbye and go back to living in her van in an alley somewhere. She didn't want to let go. Here in the Bus where she felt safe and warm in a way she hadn't known for as long as she could remember.
Mostly Skye didn't want to say goodbye. God how much she didn't want to say goodbye! It made the holes inside her ache and tears prick her eyes. Even now, when they hated her and made her feel more alone than ever she still felt that heaviness of comfort that the Bus and the team gave her.
A week. It was a whole week after Skye figured out that the team was going to get rid of her before the matter was brought up.
Skye hadn't meant to fall asleep on the couch. She had been working on an AI system for Fits' birthday and had fully intended to pull an all nighter only to fall asleep somewhere around 3 in the morning.
May had come into the lounge at 5 for tai chi to find Skye laying there, half slumped on the couch with her computer on her lap. May sighed, Skye had been acting strange lately. The vibrant, chattering girl had suddenly become quiet and reclusive. The was a cautious look in her eyes, as though she afraid that if she breathed too loudly the world would shatter around her. She had stopped coming to the cockpit at nights and no longer pestered Phil with questions about everything under the sun. It wasn't like Skye and it worried her.
"Skye, Skye wake up!" May shook the girl awake with surprising gentleness and couldn't help but smirk as Skye opened her eyes blearily, clearly confused as to where she was and how she got there.
The amusement faded into increasing concern when Skye finally found the energy to focus on the woman in front of her and instantly tensed. May's brow creased. She knew that there had been some tension between the two in the beginning and again after the encounter with Miles but she had assumed they had moved past that. Clearly she had been wrong to assume anything of the sort, judging by the nervousness Skye was emitting just by being in her presence. It hurt, in an unexpected way to see Skye so wary of her.
"Oh, uh...Hey May. Sorry I just-"
"what's wrong?" May had never been one to mince words and she certainly wasn't going to now.
Skye eyes widened slightly at having been caught by the older woman.
"wha-I don't-"
"Yes you do. You'v been acting wrong all week and I want to know why!"
Skye inhaled sharply. This was it. this was to moment when they figured that she had caught on and dropped her off so she could make her own way. Like always.
"When are you going to get rid of me?"
May's eyes widened at the question. Skye thought they were going to kick her out? How had she come to such a ridiculous conclusion?! The agent knew that they'd been a little hard on her but that was a given. She had screwed up and while Skye had had good intentions she certainly wasn't going to get a mere slap on the wrist for her actions.
But the punishment hadn't seemed to bother Skye at. She had voiced her frustration at not being able to hack certainly. But when she had received the bracelet Skye had seemed almost...relieved? At the punishment. Had the young consultant been afraid that they'd kick her out then and there? May didn't understand and it frustrated her.
"WHAT!"
Skye flinched at the pilots alarmed hiss causing May to lower her voice as she took a seat next to the hacker.
"Skye what the hell makes you think we're kicking you out?"
Skye lowered her head and fiddled with her bracelet.
"I screwed up. When I mess up it means I'm worth the trouble that comes with my convienence."
May blanched at Skye's use of wording. The girl had made it sound like she was nothing more than a nice bit of softwear that people deleted from their phones when they started glitching. Skye was a person for god sakes they weren't going to kick her out just because she wasn't perfect at following orders or keeping her emotions from affecting her actions. Hell even May had problems with those things every once in a while. She was having trouble with it right now.
"Skye, we're not kicking you out." May decided to start with what the girl needed to hear the most. The older agent was dissapointed, however, When Skye gave her a dismayed and disbieleving look at her words.
"yeah right! That's how it works. You tag along and you behave or you screw up and you're dropped off at the bus stop."
"Skye-"
"No stop it. Please, just don't try to sugar coat it!"
Skye curled in on herself and whispered, "It just hurts worse when they do."
Christ if this wasn't the most heartbreaking thing May had seen in years.
"Skye, how many times have you been kicked out?"
Skye snorts.
"When haven't I? Makes sense though. I'm broken and a screw up. No one like either so...yea."
May's heart broke for this kid. How long had She been carrying such dark thoughts around and how the hell had she managed to keep them hidden for as long as she had?!
"Skye. I swear we're not kicking you out. You screwed up, yes. But we don't get rid of people just because they make a mistake. You're stuck with us I promise."
Skye looked up at the older agent with tentative hope.
"Seriously?"
May reached over and pulled the young hacker into a tight but warm embrace.
"Seriously."
Skye buried her face in the older woman's neck and finally let loose the tears she had been fighting in the past week. May lay her head on top of Skye's and stroked her hair. All thoughts of tai chi vanished as the pilot led Skye to the cockpit and tossed her a blanket.
As Skye lay curled up fast asleep in the co-pilots seat May pondered just when she'd started to care so much about this kid. She remembered, with feint amusement, her initial distrust towards the girl and her irritation for Phil and his habit of taking in strays. But Skye was just so bright and colorful and full of energy, but with a subtle fragility just under the surface that betrayed her hard past.
Thinking about now, thinking of all the people who must have hurt her in the past...it made the skilled agent grit her teeth and tighten her grip on the controls of the Bus, wanting nothing more than to pound all the worthless souls who had hurt Skye over the years into the ground.
for now though, she had a bus to fly and a 24 year old kid to watch over.
When Skye woke up it was night again. She had slept through the whole day. Not surprising considering how stiff she felt. Sleeping in a co-pilot chair all day will do that to you, it seems.
looking to her side, Skye sees May in her pilot chair, staring passively ahead.
as the pair sit in companionable silence, Skye realizes the holes are gone.