Location: Manchester. England.
Date and time: June 2003: 02.00
You get to a point in your life when something clicks I was told a long time ago to write what I feel but what if writing it down it becomes real? At 13 I learnt how to manipulate people make them think feel what I wanted them to feel what I wanted them to see and I still do it now, scary thought isn't it! You thought you knew me. You know what I want you to see.
I became what in your eyes I should be, polite to an extent of what is classed as normal, say your p&q's, never quite understood what the q stands for but I am sure it bears no real reason, it's the quality you portray to people it's what they see, not what you see! There is one thing that I am scared of and that is of myself, if I let it out and become what I want to be or maybe I should say, it is what I want to do.
What I feel like doing sometimes and I guess it use to as they say these days "turn you on gets you off. I'd love nothing more than to wrap my hands around someone's neck and watch the life leave their eyes, but I know this is wrong so I cage it away,
I leave it at the back of my mind but sometimes it comes to the front, not as often as it used to, but it's there deep seated in my mind it's the part I fear, I lose my temper I get angry at everything but mainly at myself.
Things I hate about people, even my so called friends they think I like to be hugged touched when the fact is I hate it, you move to get away, to get their hands off you, their so called care and love in a better way,
I hate it but yet to inflict pain more so and mainly to a man well that's something else!
A man thinks with their pants or what is in their pants wonder if they still would if it was chopped off?
Yet the other side of me knows this is wrong it is not right so I hide it.
People say I'd make a great dad! I know I would not, due to the fact that I know more than likely I would kill it, and in my mind that seems okay!
But I know it's not they say I have bipolar but I know they are wrong on some level because I hide half of myself away, that one part of me that sometimes screams to be let out.
The thing is it is coming more often, so therefore I stay away from people from the world because here I am safe and they are safe from me! The problem is I know maybe too much, I have seen it, I have heard it, they would lock me away and I would hate that. I don't want that I need to be free, but something inside says I'm not free I am a prisoner in my own mind and I know it,
I can feel it yes I am a bubbly person I can get on with mainly anyone but I do not fit in and I know that! I look in the mirror and I do not see me I see a shell of what I am meant to be, or should be so I lock myself away only going out when I need to.
I watch these programs on crime and I know where they went wrong, they acted on it!
You cannot lock someone up for thinking, but you can if they act on it so I take the pills they do not help they do not suppress the feeling and the want.
They ask me if I hear voices I use to now, they only visit every so often, and they only come when I allow them. Maybe I should allow them more room, the questions I have, to see what a killer sees.
However, I am no killer I just think it that is the difference I wonder how many others think it feel it.
I do not care what you think when you read this to be honest I never care what anyone thinks no more.
I am some semblance of me, or part of me. Maybe it is me but there again I learnt to play the game a long time ago, when they found out I cut the one part of my life I could control and they took that away from me, because it is wrong to hurt yourself?
However, do we not hurt ourselves every time we smoke and drink alcohol? But there again smoking and drinking is normal because you can't see the damage that you really are inflicting of yourself! Just a shame you cannot see it or feel it yet? Therefore, you self-harm and mutilate your own body.
You will when the alcohol eats away at your mind or that cough from smoking clogs your lungs so you struggle to breathe to take that air that you so badly need but by then it will be too late for you!
At least with just taking that blade and letting some of that blood out doesn't kill you, but it is deemed wrong in this world but someone to cover their body in tattoos and piercing is fine? Is that not a bit fucked up?
That is still harming yourself but in your eyes, it is classed as art as someone's free will but when you hurt yourself there is something wrong with you, because you have inflicted that pain on to yourself!
Would you rather I cut another person or control my mind enough to take that angry and pain out on myself? Maybe I have had it wrong for the past 19yrs oh I forgot you all think I started cutting when my grandparents died but you will find yourselves very much wrong! I started at 12 I just hid it very well. If that stupid sister of mine had not come out her bedroom, they still would not know! However, she did and off to the shrink I was thrown! Yet no one asked me what I wanted or needed? A child has no say or no rights. Really.
They say childhood experiences have made me like this. Let me tell you something about my childhood, it was a good one I just hate my family and wished they would either die or fuck off and leave me alone!
My mum I guess you could say liked to sweep things under the carpet let's see the bullying got put under the rug until I walked out of school at 14 and told her to try and make me go back! First time she listened so I went to another school, that too was full of freaks and idiots that thought they were better than everyone else was, who even told me I would need a hell of a lot of luck with my future and where are they now?
Let us see they all had kids when they left school, single mums and dads yes that is something to aspire to be? I think not you could not keep your legs shut. I just hope your kids go through the hell I went through. Bullied mentally and physically and you will then know what you did to us few who did not hang ourselves even though their parents blame it on drugs.
Ahh drugs yes been there, done that and it did nothing for me, same with the drink it just numbed the pain, and I never worked out what it was though. However, what would I know?
So I left school started work because as mum said I am not like my sister I would not cope. If you put someone down enough and often enough, they believe it or you all that fucking thick?
So I worked at the stables and yes I loved it, but then I went and worked at the pub and everyone hated it! Why, because I would work, over 60/70 hours a week, or was it because I was earning more money than you mum?
My sister had it easy in my eyes everyone loved her, wanted to be around her. She would say jump, and people would say how high? Talk about sheep!
You all hated my job my relationships well like you say it will not last so therefore you made me commit myself to a life where I will have no one! Aside from the fact, I do not trust people!
You see anyone I trusted had or have let me down just the way life is so therefore you rely on yourself no one else and you screw up.
Me more so than most but there you go I am 31 and have nothing no life hardly any friends but there again maybe that is for the best. I know I am fat my mum has said it enough hell even the doctors says it. So there it is imprinted in my mind even when I was 11 stone I was still fat in your eyes and now that's all I see is fat so thank you for making me hate myself!
At 15 I had keyhole surgery yet another doctor judging me, but I kept my mouth shut which I have learnt to do sometimes, but sometimes it gets the better of me and then I get shouted at but like he said the pain in my knees is all in my head because I self-harm?
I have never worked out how pain is connected to the fact that I self-harm and here I am, haven't done it in a while but yet I want to take that blade and cut but I won't because then everyone will look at me like I've hurt them. How the fuck do I hurt you it is not you that I took the blade to my fucking body.
However, you act, as though it is yours. Don't do this don't do that but yet there you are drinking 4 bottles of wine a night but that's fine isn't it? You judge me because you are so perfect. However, you are not, your pathetic, a cancer!
I will never forget or forgive you for that either. Why is it you having cancer my fault again? People wonder why I hate my birthday why I would rather forget it well here it is at 25 sat around for a meal and my mum blurts out that if she ever gets cancer it is my fault because I smoke.
The fact that one I have never smoked near her second I do not even live with her it is my fault? It is easier to blame me than to take responsibility for your own actions! The fact that dad smoked over 40 fags a day and smoked them in the same room as you had nothing to do with it NO!
It is my fault yet again, seems I am to blame for a lot of things and I wonder why I'd be better off dead but even that would be my fault like you never drove me to do half the things I do?
That would be to easy never except the fact that half the reason I am like I am is because you made me that way? Putting me down telling me I weren't good enough I'd never amount to anything I'm not like my sister and thank god I'm not like her!
But I am like her in so many ways you just don't see it. I had it imprinted in my mind when I found out you had cancer, which you never told me I found out. Wrong place wrong time no matter what you say that would be my fault maybe you should just blame me for everything, grans and nans death the dog dying or the fact that now your half the person you was!
Because your body if failing you call me fat but yet you're so perfect nothing wrong with you but yet you are fat so is dad my sister half starves herself because she doesn't want to end up like you. Should that not tell you something?
And yes for the record I hate my mother when I needed her the most she palmed me off to someone else instead of talking to me but thank you mum for teaching me one thing how to make people see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear! You did a bang up job of it give yourself a pat on the back!
So I got into a relationship with a girl that was a mistake but the mistake was mine! fact my mum hates anyone I am with, I don't care what she thinks anymore because she never thought anything of me to start with I am a pawn for them to use when they need me but when I need them they don't come!
My sister fucks me off she was the one that wanted 3 kids if you can't cope you should have kept your legs shut instead you rely on me to help you.
However, when I do not want to you turn on them fucking tears or you bitch at mum who then bitches at me because I am not helping you! Yet none of you see what it is doing to me being around you kills me that little bit more every day!
However, the other side of me loves my sister and would do anything for her and my family. Because somewhere in this fucked up head of mine. I guess you could say I care about them.
I would not say love them because if I am honest I do not think I can love anyone I have feelings yes and I do cry but as for love I very much doubt it!
Does that make me a cold-hearted person? No, it does not, well not to me anyway but there again, it is now 2.24am when I write this and according to you all its wrong not to sleep! I am tried I am worn out but not for the reasons you think I am broken and I know I am.
I have been for a very long time but you do not see it because I do not let you see it because I am scared that you will lock me away. I am locked away in my mind and you'd want to lock me in a hospital so why am I doing this now why am I letting this out why am I telling someone this now.
The fact I know deep down I don't have bipolar it's the new trend that you seem to give everyone these days you don't know what's wrong with them its bipolar well think again yes I do have some traits of bipolar but have you ever thought that is just the surface that is just one part of me?
Oh I have played the game for so long I don't even think I know myself anymore surrounded by lies because you all needed a reason for what I do why I do it why I lose control why I like hurting myself why I have no control over my life or myself, but yet I do. Otherwise, I would be in prison for murder wouldn't I, so I do have control never been in trouble with the law.
I remember when I was a kid I found the sheer enjoyment out of pulling the legs off frogs did you know they still try to move once you pull their legs off fascinating really in a sick twisted way! Pulling the wings off daddy longs legs they do not die either.
Why is it when you kick the shit out of a dog it still comes back to you? I thought they were intelligent. Maybe not oh well. This is the side I do not let people see I do not need them to see because I control it.
It is funny you pull a fish out of water it still attempts to breath? Takes a few minutes for it to die and yet there eyes never closed maybe the lack of eyelids have something to do with it but anyway.
Oh don't think for one second I will hurt someone because I won't but the thought is there it is laid out in front of me in front of my world it is part of me my being my soul,
I obsess with things and I know I do, but not the things you would expect! That's messed up isn't it, I have a thing for DVDs and it fucks me off when I can't find what I want oh well story to my life.
I have no pity for people they get what they get because there card has already been dealt, it was dealt the second they took that first breath and it will stay with you till you take your last breath. As I write this I have no feelings behind it other than I am too tired to hide away anymore too tired to make people see what they need or want to see.
My biggest wish in life and I only have one would be for people to leave me alone in a sense sometimes it is nice to talk to people other times I have nothing to say not because there is nothing to say.
Because what I have to say or I am thinking has no meaning has no point no sheer reason, but it is there it is a pattern as much as the person who acts on it they have no control over themselves which is a shame but there again maybe sometimes it would be good to let go.
But then my caring my reasoning side takes over and I am put back away into the shadows but yet I lurk around hoping that someday I can see the light of day but I know you won't allow it because you fear me which in fact means you fear yourself which is never a nice thought!
I was once asked to do this and now I have and if you read this, if I allow it, which I might, and more than likely will. Please do not try to lock me away because that half of me is under control I have no understanding of why I feel like this but I do and am too tired to keep this mask on.
I can tell you the point it got worse and I was 23 when it got out of hand I cut to stay in control, you took that away so how do I control myself? I am lost I have always been lost if anyone cared to fully read my history because even I know my files are big! But you won't because you have little time to study people in-depth to fully understand there way of thinking.
In addition, for the record, I have been depressed where there is no hope everything is empty and black but it's still like that but I know it's not depression. That second I find a balance inside myself it is black it is empty it is like looking through another's eyes and watching myself but it is me it is part of me we all have different parts mine I hide well because people don't need to see it.
They don't need to see or feel it you want to know how I harm myself now is by sex there you go I have sex with men. It hurts I hate it but if I do not cut, mum leaves the guilt trip away from me so therefore I might not build more hate towards her and my family is it normal to do this! NO?
Do people do it yes do they admit to it more than likely not. I try to make people happy but it makes them feel good but for me I'm left empty a vacant shell of what I was but who cares about me I sure as hell don't I have been used by everyone why stop now.
31 years of being used, blamed, and made to feel like nothing is a hard path to change to except that maybe you are something but that second you feel you are something they will pull me back down so why should I even try?
Maybe this time I will not even try to hide and cage myself!
Location: Unknown
Date & Time: 1 December 2006: time unknown
Hello, my friend it has been a long time since I have written in here, but in 3 years a lot can change I have moved from England and now reside in America. I am not sure how I landed here just that now I am a citizen of this state, oh yes it might have something to do with the demise of my parents but there again brake's fail on cars a lot if you have an oil leak!
So in the past few years I have found my feet so to speak I bought a lovely home away from everyone. It is on the outskirts of town, four storey with a cellar, living area, bedrooms on the upper level and then there is the attic, I have a bit of land but enough for what I want and it is isolated which is nice, also an advantage.
For someone who did not want pets I have two lovely cats but there again they are not really pets they are wild, they come for food and water and to be stroked every now and again.
It has been so easy here in Washington DC the capital, a beautiful place I have visited there sometimes, but not that often though, only when I need something that requires me to leave my home. I have lovely suv with plenty of boot space which I need to carry out my acts and transport.
It occurred to me years ago to become a ghost and to move to a country away from my family, and well after my parents so called died in that freak accident and I inherited a fortune, it helped me move and no one questioned me.
So I don't need to work, I don't even see the doctor anymore, and I have been off my medication now for over 2years since arriving here.
This has allowed me, for the first time in my life to become myself and not live in the shell or cage which I had made in my mind. I am free at last and I am now able to act out what I have dreamt and thought about doing for years.
I have learnt so much about the human body and about how much the body can sustain before it succumbs to death, it really is fascinating. I have found that living where no one knows you or can hear you is a great asset to one's inability or ability to practice.
The first year I arrived here, this house called to me and I fell in love with it. I reconstructed the inside my cellar looks marvellous really. The stairs leading down are made or iron so you can hear the foot falls on the way down, there is no natural light so I have installed lighting which really does help in one's ability to see!
I made four rooms, which I guess to the outside person look more like jail cells than rooms. One room I have a nice bathtub that has built on restraints.
The second room has an iron bed that has a small just I guess a little stronger than a camper mattress, which has blue covers on and houses more bindings to hold things down while they lay there. Dim lighting a chair fixed to the floor near the bed.
The third room houses a few things branding equipment tools to enable you to pierce through skin, a metal gag hog ties which are really fascinating pieces of equipment if you know how to use them correctly and it took me six months to master this amazing really you can learn so much in so little time.
The fourth room has a metal board which allows me to hang my work up to a standing position reminds me of Jesus on the cross. Now this room is another one that is magnificent my true passion which allows me to abide to myself and be me, whips and floggers line the wall all more severe than the first I must admit I love the studded flogger makes so many beautiful marks on the flesh. I have sexual equipment as well. I do like to see them hobble on their hands and knees leading them from room to room a woman on all fours, now isn't that how they are meant to be?
The first one she came with me willingly she was a runaway a nobody someone who wouldn't be missed or reported as missing who cares about street trash anyway they live on the streets they sell their bodies for money.
I paid this one $2000 shame she never got to use it she was with me for two months and in that time I learnt so much about her body and what and how much I could push before she broke. She was stubborn but a pretty brunette.
Anyway I have told you about that now, so let me tell you about now I was just getting rid of the last girl, who was no use to me, she broke in a sense well in truth she died.
Now I have my sites on a new person she is beautiful and very strong but I worry someone would miss her, I met her in a bar she was with these other two women.
Yes, she humiliated me but in the sense I feel she would be a willing opponent to break in, she might even last longer, but how do I get her?
This is why I am here now writing this down maybe if I can map this out I will be able to lure her.
I did over hear her and her friends talking about these well I call them hookers they do not warrant the term human. They seem to work in law enforcement which is even a bigger challenge for me how to lure someone like that? I will start small, I think and hunt down little rich girls, although I will never hurt a child under 16 but maybe that would throw them off or make them work harder. I'll give that some thought.
So that means children are out of it maybe instead of hunting 16-20 I go above that and work my way up this brunette looked to be in her 30s so it would be practice. To find someone who looks the way she does and holds herself with an air of elegant to herself, maybe I will have to work on that part I will get back to you my faithful friend.
Date: 2 December:
So I went out today to a very expensive place I am going with if you want to attract the rich women you best dress accordingly to how they do so I have spent over $5000 on clothes my hair shoes and sprays.
It is strange how much effort can be required for this, very odd in fact that a person is willing to spend so much money to appear nice and rich, but this is what I must do if I am going to be able to get near that beautiful woman I saw.
She and her friends seem to always go to the same bar I would say after every work day but sometimes they do not show up for a few days she must work longer hours and the bar closes before she finishes her shift.
But this bar in prime hunting ground as many seem to come from money and some even come alone I was speaking to one lady today she was telling how bad her life was as a lawyer is and how she has to deal with these scum of the earth, her words I wonder what she is thinking now?
Well she is already crying and whining she lacks that fight maybe removing her breasts was not the best way to go with this one she bled out very fast. Must remember not to remove them again never knew they held so much blood inside them strange. I will dispose her body later tonight! The bathtub comes in handy when things become bloody. Not much to clean up so that means I can hunt again tonight.
Date: 4 December:
The problem with taking rich little girls is people notice. But this one I took yesterday seems to have a fight in her so she should last longer than the others, she screamed when the hot iron were placed on her naked skin, but the ice cold bath afterwards seemed to help her, as she only whimpered then, although maybe it helped having the metal gag in place.
She also learnt very fast if she screams I tend not to work her too hard I just love to hear them scream. The studded collar also helped, I may see what she feels like inside later. I am letting her rest right now in the tub she has candles for light and the tape I have playing for her will help greatly I think.
Date: 4 December:
Letting her rest for two hours seemed to help she never move or whined when I placed myself inside her, she also seemed to like being flogged as she hung there not making a sound which makes me want to hurt her more, to hear her scream to break her.
Maybe I should let her know; once she has been good enough and done everything I ask, I will let her go. That could help I may try that later and see what reaction I get.
Date: 6 December:
Well she lasted 3 days in total I found a new one as well not so long after I placed the other in the park. This one is a challenge though she is really pissing me off, she screams and cries and I have not yet done anything to her.
However, what worries me is the fact she is a daughter of someone in the government so if I let her go they will find me so maybe I should just kill her instead of playing with her? However, maybe not for that would just be a waste!
Date: 12 December:
Well she lasted a lot longer than I thought, before her body finally gave out but I must now lay low for a while, as they have now involved the FBI that is all I need.
Therefore, I am going to go out and to the bar for tonight and plan how I am going to capture that brunette.
I will write again soon my friend