New Year's Eve 1998.
She had always felt apart during those big parties. She didn't like the crowd and the whispers on your back every time you turn at a corner and vanish in the hallway. She did her best to avoid these evenings but sometimes we're caught up by life and can't help attending them.
She had left her mansion a few hours earlier just to enjoy their presence. She loved being with them. They were sincere, honest and true. So far from the high society she had got married to when she had said yes to Stanley's attorneys.
It was the first time she spent the last day of the year far from her husband and the Upper East Side hypocrisy. She had thought while closing the door behind them that she was going to live a friendly evening, just the four of them in front of the fireplace, as she loved so much. They brought her this wave of warmness and care that her lonely heart needed.
But very soon the other guests arrived and she found herself lost in the middle of the crowd, one more time. The place was considerably smaller though, she couldn't escape from this surging mass as she used to do at her own house. She looked around her at these fuzzy figures she had never met before and would probably never see again. She would have crossed these faces and shared a few hours with those people who would remain perfect strangers if only she didn't forget them.
She left Grace obviously unaware of her presence and let her body guide her towards the narrow opened-air area: Will's terrace. She loved the multitud of plants out there, and their aromas filling her lungs in a sweet embrace. A soft motion, almost invisible. But so calm. She leaned against the wall, staring blankly at the sky. There was nostalgia flying in the air that night, more than the simple fact of the end of a year and a ton of things left behind. She slightly jumped, surprised, when a tear ran on her cheek. She frowned, brushing it away, and started smiling.
« Are you okay, Kare? »
She didn't turn to face him, she knew this voice by heart. She just nodded, her eyes fixing the ground and the flowerpots next to her feet. She never wondered why he passed an arm on her shoulder and kissed her temple. She only plunged her eyes in his and caressed his cheek tenderly, a confused smile on her face. They suddenly heard people screaming inside.
« Happy new year, Karen. »
« Happy new year, Will. »
They stayed still in each other's arms without saying a word, leaned against the wall. Perhaps if they shared the first minutes of this new year they would do the same for the last ones.
New Year's Eve 1999.
She shivered under the snowdrops falling on her naked arms. Vermont was a lovely place under the thick layer of white. She started twirling around, her eyes closed, her face turned towards the sky. She loved the coldness of the snow on her skin, sending zillion of shivers along her spine. It made her feel alive and appreciate those feelings.
She didn't even think about it twice when Stan suggested that she could go away and stay with them. Something was falling apart, her marriage. But she didn't care, after all it wasn't the first time. She knew how to deal with it and make it last, just a bit more. Just the right time.
For once it was perfect, there was no crowd. She was with them in a warm wooden house. It sounded familiar and comforting. What she had always wanted. It was like in her dreams, her craziest fantasies. The family she had always been missing.
Within five minutes she would turn a page and let the new year take her in its arms. For a twelve-month travel through some smiles, some cries, some tears, some joys, some life. She hated changes but was so curious to make a step forward. All the surprises, unexpected events that used to spread its charms over her heart. She was ready for it, counting impatiently the minutes that separated her from midnight.
She fell backwards under the weight of a snowball landing on her cheek. She stayed laid on the ground, giggling of delight. He reached her arm but she immediately replied, sending some snow on his face.
« Snow war outside! »
She sat up on her elbow and saw Grace and Jack rushing outside.
« Let me take my gloves! »
« Where's my coat? »
They disappeared in the cabin. The warm light of the fireplace was dancing on the snow, making the white ground shine. A world of ice, pure and quiet suddenly became alive all around her. She turned and faced him, sat next to her.
« Happy new year, Karen. »
« Happy new year, Will. »
He took her hand and plunged his eyes in hers. She tightened the grip, caressing his skin with her fingertip. Smiling. They didn't move or break apart. They stayed still one more time. And she let the first minutes pass by in Will's embrace. How about the last ones?
New Year's Eve 2000.
She took a deep breath and frowned. Where had they been? She tried to catch Grace's hair among the crowd, in vain. She sighed and looked away. They had left her behind.
She had never wanted so much to draw a line under a year. Perhaps it just had been a sign so that she didn't forget this century and come into the new millenium with some whisdom and relevance. She had had to face the jail and the gossip above her marriage. Stan's shameful secrets and her stifled cries in the darkness when she found herself alone in the emptiness of the manse.
She needed some change and leave a lot behind. Thank god they were there, next to her. She owed them so much.
She came back to reality, taking away by the crowd. What a crazy idea to go to Times Square for the new century. She looked around her and only saw strangers. She was passing unnoticed and didn't like it. Since when nobody paid attention to Karen Walker? She bit her lower lip and smiled, bitterly. She had lost the brightness that had made once her glory. She was just someone more in the middle of nothingness.
Suddenly she felt a hand grab hers tightly. She looked up and saw him.
« Since when you're left behind, Kare? »
She smiled and he took her off closer to the neuralgic point. She started running, trying desperately to stay in contact with him. She couldn't help laughing in front of the silliness of the situation, hitting people'bodies, vaguely apologizing. They heard the crowd starting counting. He stopped and looked at her.
« We will never reach them in time. »
She shrugged and smiled.
« It's okay. »
They stayed still in the middle of the screaming mass when the ball went down and the fireworks began to appear in the sky. She was still holding tightly his hand, her eyes fixing his brown ones. Someone pushed her into his arms, she could feel his breath on her skin, warm.
« Happy new year, Kare. »
« Happy new year, Will. »
She couldn't say why she leaned forward and closed her eyes, a hand on his shoulder, the other on his arm. She felt her body shiver when his lips brushed hers and they didn't break apart. All of a sudden she found herself a thousand miles away. In a very far country, peaceful, so calm. She forgot about the crowd and gave up herself in Will's arms.
She tried to enjoy at the most the first minutes and their charms before they opened their eyes and reality came back. She had some wishes for the last ones.
New Year's Eve 2001.
She poured vodka in her glass and gulped it down right away, staring at him from outside. It was a windy night, the plants were dancing, brushing her ankles in the dark. She felt the tears well up in her eyes but swallowed them back. And gulped down another glass, still looking inside.
She had loved this year and didn't want it to go away, not like that. She had erased Stan of her heart and concentrated on her life, on them. She had spent a lot of time with Jack and talked to Grace more than in her whole life. She had learned about Will and read through his eyes. He had been supportive, every time. She knew she could count on him, he would always be there, next to her.
At least in theory.
She clenched her fists when she saw him touch the small of his back. She hated her anger but could barely ignore it. She had tried to but it looked like she had no hold over it. She was mad at herself for what she was feeling. She couldn't accept the fact that she wasn't needed in his life, now. That he could be happy thanks to another one.
She would have liked to tell Grace about it but whenever she tried to speak the words didn't come out. They stayed trapped in her heart, hurtful. Perhaps she would end up forgetting him and starting to live again. She wasn't sure that it was what she really wanted as a matter of fact. But it was better like that.
She looked at them counting the last seconds. She was losing something she would never get back. She was already apart, outside. The glass of the window separating her from the rest of the life. She stared blankly at them, hugging each other very tight. She felt her breath stop for a few seconds, her soul mourning her beloved past.
She turned and looked away, leaned against the wall. The rain started to pour and she let the water join her bitter tears running on her face.
She was missing his hand against her skin. Their annual contact, their single kiss. The first minutes passed by. How long until the last ones?
New Year's Eve 2002.
She rushed away and closed the door of the greenhouse behind her, stifling her cries. She sighed and walked slowly towards the velvet couch overlooking the city and its thousand of lights glimmering in the night.
She had spent a lot of time there, lately. Alone in this immense house. She had a feeling she could reach the clouds from here, and dream. At last.
She sat down and put her face in her hands, closing her eyes. She hated those parties with all these socialites. It was humiliating, she had never wanted them to live that. It wasn't the life she loved, the one that made her smile. This one was just a cardboard box, a bit too weak not to fall apart.
She had stopped thinking that a new year could bring joy and peace. She hadn't stopped arguing. With Jack, with Grace, with Will. And every time she turned her back to them she couldn't help dreading the slam of the door and the face-to-face with her loneliness.
« What's going on, Karen? »
She had just looked blankly at Grace before leaving the room, her tears weighing heavy on her soul. There wouldn't be anything worse than someone picking her crying. Her, the icy queen. She wasn't allowed to let her sorrow go out in public and couldn't bear it anymore in the intimacy, behind a locked door.
She felt a hand in her hair and jumped, surprised. She turned and looked at him, brushing away her tears.
« No, don't do that. »
He took her hand and hold it tight. She looked down and let her tears fall in silence on their intertwined hands. She could feel them sliding along her palm, between the fine space that separated their skins. Their hearts.
She hugged him and closed her eyes. His smell went to her head and she rested a hand on his nape as he stayed quiet, they didn't need to speak. She didn't want that a word break the magic. She broke apart and studied his eyes, shining in the dark. She didn't think it twice and leaned forward to reach his mouth.
She couldn't help smiling in their kiss and felt a bit dizzy when he laid on top of her. The least motion of his hands, the heat of his body against her were enough to make her shiver and stir these sensations she had consciously tried to bury during this previous year. She let him take possession of her, looking at the sky above the whiteness of their skin, the purity of their souls.
She put an end to the langorous kiss, breathless, her legs still wrapped tightly around his waist. They didn't move, just looked at each other. She wanted to feel him inside of her a bit longer. He didn't have to go away and leave her behind.
The first fireworks lighted up their faces like a rainbow in the sky, after the storm, when it's all calm.
« Happy new year, Kare. »
« Happy new year, Will. »
She pushed him towards her so that he rested on her chest, her fingers passing through his hair as the first minutes passed by. If only they could stay like that until the last ones.
New Year's Eve 2003.
She looked around her anxiously and swallowed hard. She clenched her fist, breathed deeply and released her hold slowly.
« Do you want something, Kare? »
She looked at Grace and shook her head in silence, doing her best to give her friend a peaceful smile. She didn't need to know how she was scared. She sighed heavily and passed her hand on her face, frowning. She hated the wait, any kind of wait, and even more for New Year's Eve.
She watched a man coming towards her and moved backwards, instinctively. But he turned on right and disappeared in the hallway, leaving her alone with Grace and Jack.
She hadn't chosen the place for once, nor the party going on there. But still, there was too many strangers wandering next to her. She was trapped in the crowd, unable to move, in pain. She would never forget this year, it was engraved on her heart, on her smiles, on her happiness. On the way he looked at her and kissed her neck. She wasn't sure she wanted to move forward, it was still unclear in her mind. She couldn't picture anything out and it made her mad.
« Okay, let's go. »
She looked up just in time to see Grace and Jack vanish in the corner of her eye. She felt the tears well up in her eyes but swallowed them back, breathing calmly, deeply. She had to concentrate and put aside her worries.
They let her alone in the room for several minutes. It was freezing there, she shivered and huddled up, thinking about him. He was a warm thought, reassuring. She smiled and looked up when she heard the door open and stifled voices come in. She stared at them, panicked.
« Are you ready? »
She opened her mouth to speak but stayed mute. She managed to shake her head, whispering.
« No... Where's... »
« I'm here. »
She turned her face and felt the heat of his hand on hers. He gave her a smile and she calmed down immediately. She never broke apart and tightened the grip with strength. She thought about the terrace, the plants. The snow in Vermont and the white landscape. The crowd in Times Square, the rain on her cheeks. The greenhouse, his kisses, his embrace. The night they became one under the multicolored fireworks.
She thought about all these parties, the patches she had been going through. The whirl of feelings that had taken her away and made her live. She thought about Jack, Grace, Will. The odd sensation she was at the right place while being with them. She turned a page of her life while sighing heavily, breathless, relieved.
She locked her eyes with his and let him give her a kiss, let him brush her lips and caress her cheek. They looked down at the baby resting on her chest, crying.
The clock struck twelve.
« Happy new year, Kare. »
« Happy new year, Will. »
She intertwined her fingers with his and very slowly made contact with her child's skin. The heat of the little body hit her right away. So warm, so sweet. She memorized the first minutes passing by, the ones of this new life. And for the first time, she didn't think about the last ones.