Dinner was already on the table by the time Herr Rilow came stumbling in the door, throwing his brief case down in the hall. Hanschen cringed at the sound it made when it hit the floor, glancing at his younger sister who was shaking in her chair. They all hated when he came home angry. It was never a good sign, not for the children and especially not for their mother. His father took off his hat and sat at the table, barely acknowledging the meal his wife had worked so hard on. "Herr Schmidt is dead," he growled, not bothering to look up as he began to eat.

Hanschen widened his eyes at his father insensitivity. None of his family was emotional, but his father showed no sign of pity or sympathy for the death of his business partner. "What on earth happened?" his mother asked, practically choking on her food.

Hanschen's sister Martha looked at him, mouthing, "What happened?" to him. Hanschen could only shake his head, waiting for his father to answer.

"It's absolutely disgraceful," his father replied. "He was a homosexual. I had only heard rumors but then I saw him with a man this morning before he came into the office. And I told him he had better not step foot into my office if that was the choice he was making. He started crying, the pathetic fool, begging me to keep quiet. I told him it was illegal and I had no intention of keeping quiet. I suggest he better begin running because the police are quite talented around these parts. Well, by lunch time he had killed himself. The man I believed to be suitable to be my business partner turned out to be a sinner in every manner of the word. What a disgrace. To not only have feelings for a man, but then to kill yourself. If there is a funeral, none of you are to attend it. Do you hear me?"
The whole family nodded, but his mother was the first to speak. "I for one am glad that you didn't keep him around if that is what he has been doing. We don't want our children around someone like that. It's disgusting and just unnatural."

Hanschen felt a knot suddenly grow in his stomach and he found he couldn't eat any more of the food in front of him. His face was bright red, and he prayed to God that his father wouldn't take notice. The blonde boy tried to take a few more bites, but it was a sorry attempt. He stood up abruptly, almost knocking his dishes over. "May I be excused?" he asked.

His parents looked at him, eyebrows raised. "Of course, son," his father replied. "Why are you getting up so quickly?"

"I have a lot of schoolwork to do, I best be getting back to it."

His father smiled. "That's my son. Always the brightest student of his year!" As Hanschen walked away, he heard his parents continuing to talk. He stopped to listen momentarily.

"It's about time we fixed Hanschen up with a nice woman," his father said.

"He's still in school, I think he has a few more years."

"Ah but Herr Schmidt has me thinking. I am so lucky to have a son like Hanschen, strong, smart and certainly not a homosexual. I want to ensure he gets the best woman Germany has to offer."

"I understand, dear," his mother replied. "But we know Hanschen would never have feelings for a man. My God, I can't imagine the disappointment that Frau Schmidt must feel. The shame he brought on that family! If I were his mother, I would wish he wasn't mine. I would never ever be able to accept that I gave birth to him."

Grabbing his satchel, Hanschen turned away, practically running up the stairs and slamming the door to his room, locking it behind him. He slowly sunk down onto the floor, pulling his knees to his chest. He breathed deeply, trying to stop his mind from racing.

He took the postcard of his favorite model from his satchel, holding it in his trembling hands. He stared at her beautiful figure. She had round hips, large breasts and gorgeous hair that fell in curls across her chest. Hanschen kept his eyes steadily on her, hoping that it would bring him some sort of arousal. She was beautiful, sure, but no matter what he did, how he touched himself, he couldn't garner a response from his body or his mind.

His breathing became heavy as he tried to desperately to picture something, anything that would arouse him. But, the only figure he could picture was flat chested, and much more masculine than the model would ever be. Grabbing his head in his hands, he fought back the urge to scream. "Fuck," he hissed under his breath. "Please stop."

It was a truth he had been coming to terms with for weeks, a secret he had been trying to keep, something he had been trying to understand. Hanschen couldn't understand why he had begun feeling this way. He couldn't even identify when he had started to feel this way. The only thing that he knew was that it was wrong. It was wrong and abnormal and he was going to hell.

"Mama, I'm so sorry," he growled, punching the wall behind him so hard his fist began to throb. "I've betrayed you." For the first time, Hanschen allowed himself to say it aloud. Albeit it was only to himself, it still was hard to get the words out without choking on them. "I…I think I have feelings for men."

Hanschen was only twelve.