TITLE: The Rose
AUTHOR: Gul Occett guloccett@aol.com (all constructive criticism is very much welcome)
RATING: PG - Slash
SERIES: DS9
CODES: G/B
SUMMARY: Julian ponders the positive and negative aspects of pursuing a relationship with Garak.
DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns Star Trek, DS9, and the characters.
This story was written for personal amusement and should not be taken as intended copyright infringement.
Bette Midler and the record company who produced the song own the lyrics I used to 'The Rose' and I am not trying to pass it off as mine by including it in the story.
WEBSITE: http://members.aol.com/guloccett/TFF.htm
ARCHIVE: ASC is fine, anyone else please ask.
THANKS: A big thanks goes to Melissa (meister@sprint.ca).
The Rose
By Gul Occett
Doctor Julian Bashir lay in his bed silently staring at the ceiling with his hands clasped behind his head. Having these dreams always makes me feel so lonely. It would be quite impossible for such a union to really take place. Garak's obviously interested in me as well, but there are just too many complications for an intimate relationship to be possible. It would be much simpler to ignore my passions if my sleep wasn't invaded by images of Garak every night. Not all of my dreams are of Garak of course. You'd think the ones without him would be better, but they aren't. Images of myself as a lonely miserable old man torment me. Some are glimpses of some unknown woman and myself in yet another meaningless relationship. In every dream I always end up alone, lonely, and miserable.
Julian rolled over onto his side and pulled Kukalaka closer to his bare chest. I feel like such an infant lying here balling my eyes out holding my teddy bear. What can I do though? If I was worried about my career being ruined over my enhancements, which it nearly was, then I sure as hell have the right to be concerned about the consequences of having a male Cardassian as a lover. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to try and have a secret relationship. We both deserve more than that. On a station like this someone would be sure to find out about it eventually, and then my career would be ruined. That's very selfish thinking, but am I really prepared to give up my career for Garak? Sure he's attracted to me, but is there any more to it than that? You can never tell with him. He's quite capable of lying to me and deceiving me completely, and that's something I just can't accept in any relationship beyond simple friendship. I'm willing to accept the parts of his past that I suspect, and that I know about. That's never been a problem really. I'd like to think he's learned a thing or two about human morality since living with us on the station, and hopefully adopted at least part of it. But I just can't give my heart to someone who is so full of lies and secrets.
I analyzed all this long ago and made my decision, so why did these dreams have to start now? I can't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. I'm worried about the fact that he might be the only one for me, I realize that. I'm scared that if I don't say or do something about my feelings that I'll end up in the exact situation my dreams show me.
But that doesn't change the fact that entering into a relationship with Garak would just end up disastrous. In the least I'd end up losing my job. I could get a job serving as a doctor for someone outside the Federation, maybe even on Bajor, or working on this station for Bajor. That's not very likely though. Starfleet would insist upon one of their own as the Chief Medical Officer and I just couldn't work under someone else after having my own infirmary. And no matter how much I hate to admit it, it's very possible that I would just end up resenting the fact that Garak indirectly caused all the problems. I don't want to hurt him like that. You just never know how you're really going to react in a situation until the event actually occurs.
Then there are my friends. Miles could never accept it. He'd think that Garak was playing some kind of game with me, or he'd end up hating me and calling me a Cardie sympathizer. He's never been afraid to let his true feelings about Cardassians, Garak included, show. As sad as that thought is I could live with it. People who truly care about me should just accept it and move on. I am a grown man capable of making my own choices.
Dax is the only one who might actually be able to accept it. She's the one person I could talk about all this to. The problem with that is she's never been able to keep a secret. Sure she'd try, but eventually she'd let something slip. She's always loved to gossip.
Kira would certainly never accept it. If she had her way Garak would have never been able to stay on the station in the first place. But when it really comes down to it, I'm not really concerned about what she thinks of me.
What would the captain think? I've always looked up to him. His opinion does matter to me, but not so much that I'd be willing to toss Garak aside if he didn't approve.
I've worked with these people for years, and I've loyally served Starfleet for quite a few years. If they're not willing or capable of accepting my choice then so be it. Surely they know me well enough to realize that I would never betray Starfleet. But they did once think I was a spy for the Dominion, or Sloan would have me think so anyway. They really might think that if Garak and I were lovers. Starfleet didn't think badly of Captain Sisko when he and Cassidy got back together though. Maybe they could realize that everyone is capable of changing.
Who cares though? I'm sick of sacrificing things of myself for others. I'm in love, and I should be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. I never thought I'd find someone and fall in love. It's always been my dream. I'm such an incurable romantic. Garak would probably laugh at that, but I think that secretly he'd like it. He's always been amused by my human ideals.
The biggest problem is that I just don't know how he feels about me. If I knew that he felt more than physical attraction toward me then I'd jump at the chance to be involved with him despite all the problems that would result. Maybe I should try and find out just how he feels. As far as all the secrets and lies, I'll just have to take a chance on that. If we become more intimate he surly would see the need to share more of the truth with me. But how do I go about finding out how he feels without letting him know what I'm doing?
Julian pulled himself up to a sitting position and sat Kukalaka down in his lap. Maybe I could send him an anonymous love message? Would he say something about it at lunch? Probably not. I could hint around that it was me, and also imply that I wasn't ready to be confronted about it. I could say that I needed to know if the feelings were mutual or not. I read a lot of literature, but I've never tried to write. Jake would probably say that the first step to being a good writer is to be a good reader. I'd like to think that I'm a good reader.
******
Julian hesitantly lumbered toward the table Garak was sitting at in Quarks.
"Doctor!" Garak said happily. "I thought you had stood me up! Work keeping you busy?"
"Uhm, I'm sorry Garak actually I took the day off. I just had a little something to take care of before we met for lunch." Julian twisted his hands together.
"I see, then I guess I forgive you Doctor. Aren't you going to sit down?"
"Of course," Julian said. He sat down quickly.
"Is something wrong Doctor? You seem a bit nervous."
"Nervous? Uhm no I just have something on my mind."
"And what might that be?"
"Nothing I wish to discuss right now." Julian continued to fidget.
"I see. Shall we order then?" Garak said as a waiter approached them.
"Yes."
They placed their orders, and Garak continued to silently observe the doctor's odd behavior. What was he so nervous about? It seemed like he wanted to say something. What was going on in that mind of his?
"So how's work Garak?" Julian asked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. Why did I come here anyway? I should have canceled our lunch date. But I couldn't have done that. This was the perfect opportunity to put my plan into action. It was the only time that I knew for sure that Garak would be away from his shop. And for how long he'd be away. And this also might be the last time we share lunch together.
"I'm not in danger of wining any businessman of the year awards," Garak supplied.
"Oh," Julian said softly. "I'm sorry to hear that."
"It's not so bad," Garak said with a smile.
"So what about you doctor?"
"What about me?"
"That's what I asked."
"What?"
He really must have something important on his mind. I've never seen him quite this distracted and nervous before, Garak thought.
"I meant how's your work going Doctor?" Garak said smiling amusedly.
"Oh that," Julian said relaxing slightly as their meals arrived. "I just started a research paper on inter-species mating rituals." Where the hell did that come from? I haven't started any paper like that!
Garak's spoon fell into his bowl. He stared at the doctor a few moments before speaking. "How do you plan on researching that doctor?"
"I was hoping to find volunteers who would be willing to let me interview them," Julian made up.
"Who'd be willing to volunteer for such a thing? That's kind of personal isn't it?"
"Oh you'd be surprised what people are willing to share in the name of science," Julian answered.
"Perhaps," Garak said doubtfully.
"Well, it's just a side project. If it doesn't turn out to be very productive it won't hurt anything."
Garak nodded. The doctor was finally starting to relax at least.
******
Garak entered his shop pondering the doctor's odd behavior over lunch, and went to his desk. His gaze immediately froze on a single red rose lying across a datarod with a paper note attached. Curious, he picked up the rose and brought it up to his nose and smelled it. He then took the rod and put it in the computer. Soft music drifted throughout his shop:
Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you it's only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the winter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.
Garak stood silently stunned for a long while before picking up the note.
My Dear Garak,
I tried writing you a poem of my own, but as you know I'm not a writer. I felt the next best thing would be to try and find something that showed my feelings for you. This song was written by an Earth woman from the 20th Century named Bette Midler. I hope you liked it.
I hope that I've shown you that I feel a lot more than just physical attraction for you, and I hope that you feel the same as I do. I'm willing to face any consequences resulting from pursuing a relationship with you, if that is something you desire. I could no longer live with not telling you how I felt. I had to at least try for something more between us. If you don't feel the same way then I hope that somehow we can maintain our friendship. I realize that very well might be quite impossible now, but I'm hoping we could at least try.
Yours Always,
Julian
Garak placed the note and rose back on his desk, locked up his shop, and trotted off towards Julian's quarters with tears in his eyes. So that's what he was so nervous about! He was sitting there thinking about the fact that he just broke into my shop and put that stuff there confessing his true feelings! To bad he didn't just come out and say it face to face, but I can see the reasoning behind his methods. It's really kind of sweet actually.
I never dared to hope that he felt that way about me. How could someone like him possibly feel that way about me of all people? I have nothing to offer him but my heart, but I shall give that to him freely. It's perhaps not a wise decision I realize, but one has to take a chance at times. It would hurt both of us worse at this point to not give things a try at least.
Garak lightly taped the door-chime to the doctors quarters. Moments later the doors parted revealing a very distraught Doctor Julian Bashir.
"C-come in Garak," Julian stammered.
"I regret that I did not bring you a gift in return Doctor," Garak said stepping through the door.
"It'snot necessary Garak." Julian's eyes were everywhere but on Garak's face.
"Doctor. Julian," Garak said softly. "Look at me."
Julian slowly brought his gaze up to meet Garak's.
"I do feel the same."
The doctor finally allowed himself to relax as Garak embraced him and their lips met for a first sweet kiss.
~The End~
Please send any constructive criticism to guloccett@aol.com