Never Knowing
Silence is all I can hear. Nothing is the noise that beats against my ear drum. I am new here, I know no one. People stare at me like I am some sort of animal. They treat me like I am a beast, a beast not worthy enough to be in their presence. Mouths are kept shut around me, not even a whisper. To survive I pretend, I pretend that being lonely doesn't bother me and that I am free of this isolation.
Today is not my first day, I arrived here over a month ago. I am claimed to be an abomination throughout this city. I no longer desire their attention, and I care not to be approved of. I have searched all over trying to find someone to talk to, for someone to listen. However, I find no ear, or kind voice, I am starting to believe they are not capable of such a gesture.
They laugh at one another's distress. I feel their voices echo, and their conversations rumble for they aren't the nicest things said, it makes it seem like their hearts are without warmth. My concern, the one question I crave to ask is why? Anger is my temptation. I seek for the cruelty to stop. I am not a beast or an animal but if that is what they see, then it truly is their own reflection.
Struggling to keep my head held high. I thirst for the day to come were I do not cringe, where I am unafraid. The way they gawk at me makes my skin tremble. Staring at me, their eyes bore into my spine. Creeping glances my way, I wish to scream! However I am not hostile I will do no such thing for it will only give them more reason to torment, which I know I can bare not.
At home I go without solace. My unhappiness comes to their minds not so clearly, they are fogged with lack of interest. They are to busy to open their eyes and look. If only there was someone who could understand, a being who would not judge.
Yesterday was quite horrific. The events of that day leave me disgusted, my aversion for these creatures is so heavy I fear it cannot be lifted off my shoulders. Sadness however also travels with in me, I wish to help them, make them see what they are becoming.
A child, just like themselves and yet they spit words in its face, cruel sentences making the child cry, sobbing a quite chilling melody of sorrow. My heart aches. They shove each other over nonsense! How quick they refer to violence, it is like they are the demons out of the books they write, seeking to spill each other's blood.
Hours later I went for a walk, I heard behind me the child running in my direction. Our bodies smacked together, both of us crashing to the ground. Still on the ground I looked up to see the child was still standing there looking at me with confusion in it's pupils actually it looked a little bit more like fear. Slowly I stood up, obviously I was confused myself. I have lost count of how many times I have been knocked down by these people, and yet this is the first that anyone has decided to wait and help me up. I felt like this was a delusion, a dream of some sort. We both stood looking at each other. I started to push past, to move around it. Then the strangest thing happened the child started talking to me.
"Thank you!" The voice was shaky and timid. I turned to look I had no idea what to say, thank you for what? Instead of replying I simply walked away in hopes of the child leaving me alone. I felt like this was a joke and they were all planning a huge plot against me, for no one has ever showed me such...such voice. I could feel the child's sorrow, it traveled home with me.
That night I could not find sleep, it lingered around me but my mind refused to take rest. The thoughts of someone actually talking to me, to offer me their help. The whole situation was peculiar. I also did not understand why it told me thank you. Seriously I had done nothing for it, except be in the way. It is quite depressing to know I have become used to them shoving and pushing me.
I ended up going without sleep, which caused my brain to ache inside my skull and my eyes to lack focus. The whole day seemed to pass by as usual. People would stare at me and again more of their heartless conversations would rumble. Instead of sitting at a table like the rest of them I decided to go do my own thing. Outside was where I ended up. A slight breeze began to pick up, the wind hugging my body. I couldn't wait for the day to be over. Alone from the rest of them. I was contemplating, that child has left me so confused.
I woke up to the sound of laughter. I didn't realize I had dosed off, obviously I have been overwhelmed and wasn't thinking clearly. Their faces crowded around me, I felt my stomach twist and my body flushed with embarrassment, raging to a color of hot pink. Claws pointing at me accusing me of something I presume. I shook myself out of the state of embarrassment and shock. I bolted off the bench trying to past them all. Unfortunately they were obdurate, they refused to let me pass. The tallest one kicked me in my shin, I instantly fell holding my leg. Their laughter grew into a loathsome cackle. I struggled to stand back up and when I was back on my feet they decided to throw me back to the ground. My eyes turned cold, no sensation, just a rage colored fog. "You're just a stupid little troll unable to defend yourself." That's when it pulled back its leg, I figured it was going to try to kick me again. My focus was glued to its foot, waiting for the creature to strike, however I am a fool and instead it punched me square in the face. I couldn't see for a few seconds everything started to blur. Their cackles rattled my soul, I really wanted to save them. Instead of holding my face I looked the tall one straight in the face and smiled. I felt its rage and discomfort at my simple gesture. I wanted so badly to get out of there, I just wanted to scream and burst into tears. "What are you smiling at you retarded piece of shit!" That is when they all joined together kicking and punching me. It felt like my body was being devoured, for I was the mouse and they were the cat. After several minutes they walked away with their sound in stitches. Instead of getting up quickly I laid there bawling for a tedious amount of time.
Languidly I stood, the day has turned to the shadows. How could I have been so naïve? I can't believe I let myself fall asleep, especially outside. It took me another hour to reach my house. Normally it wouldn't have taken me so long it was just that my body was in so much pain. I could taste the blood in my mouth from when they busted open my lip, I couldn't wait to remove this metallic taste for it is quite repulsive. When I reached my front door I already knew they wouldn't be home, most likely they were both at work. Once inside I paced slowly towards the bathroom, my leg was killing me. When I entered the bathroom and was able to turn on the light I fell in front of the toilet, I then purged the remnants of my stomach. Soon after my stomach settled I stood in front of the mirror examining my face. I shut the door, then I began to peel off my clothes for they were thick with blood and dirt. I could visualize the spots on my body where it was going to bruise. Reaching for the medicine cabinet I grabbed out some pain killers knowing that either way they wouldn't really rid me of the pain I was fully enduring. Turning on the sink I grabbed a wash cloth and soaked it wiping the blood off of my face. My lip was busted open pretty badly it was such a vulgar sight. Of course I wasn't worried about anyone being concerned I knew it didn't matter. I then went to the bathtub filling it with a comfortable temperature. Sinking into the liquid warmth I felt the filth rinse away. I closed my eyes tight and sunk to the bottom of the tub letting the water flow over me. I held my breath holding myself under for as long as I could but my body forced itself to surface. Gasping for air I opened my eyes and seen the dirt and blood mixed in the bath water. Suddenly frightened by what I seen I emerged from the tub again finding myself purging into the toilet. I then drained the bath, and turned on the shower stepping back in.
Once out of the shower I dressed myself then returning to take care of my filthy clothes. I threw them into a plastic bag and took it out with the rest of the garbage. As I was walking outside I felt the presence of another, speedily I threw the trash into the dumpster and trotted back toward the house. That is when I heard, "Hey wait!" Oddly enough I recognized that voice for it was still shaky and timid. Sharply I turned toward the voice stunned at the realization of how close the child was. I stepped back at once, I had no desire to be so close. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you." Automatically I felt my head get heavy, I could not understand why this child was talking to me let alone the fact why in the hell was it still outside this late, especially at my house? Speechless I just stood there looking at it with so much curiosity. "Umm, well I know it is late and all and I was planning on knocking on the door I just wanted to make sure you were alright, I seen what the other kids did to you when the bus drove by. Honestly you didn't deserve that." I then felt very tired like my body was ten thousand pounds. I swayed and the child came to my side instantly grabbing my arm to keep me from hitting the ground. Together we struggled back into the house. The child walked me to my bedroom resting me on my bed. I crawled under the covers, for a few seconds it was out of the room and when the child came back it held out a glass of water towards me. Sitting up I grabbed the water and took a few sips. The day was very peculiar, the child was sitting at the end of the bed. "Are you sure you are going to be okay? You look like pure shit!" Stunned by the child's abrupt word choice I spit out my water and couldn't help but laugh. Gosh it has been a long time since I have actually laughed. Finally after settling down from my serious case of hysterics I shook my head yeah that I was going to be fine. Shortly after I shook my head the child got up and left, disappointment clouded it's eyes. All that laughter really took a lot out of me because I suddenly passed out into a deep state of dreams.
They were huddled over me again, cackling and kicking. My head was spinning and I couldn't get back up. I saw the bus pass with all the faces in the window and only one with concern looking out. Then the world stopped and it was just me and the child sitting on the ground on the spot where we collided into one another. Finally the last scene was when I was in my bathroom stripping off my clothes and the bruises started to get bigger covering over 40% of my body. I was also bleeding out of different small lacerations and the bath tub was over flowing with water. Then the strangest thing of all happened! The small lacerations started to ooze thick green and red slime. I started to panic and wipe off the ooze but my skin started to peel back becoming really dry and it just fell off. Underneath my skin there were heavy thick wads of black fur. Suddenly I looked into the mirror and I saw glowing orange eyes, sharp dangerous teeth, and my body was hunched covered in a disgusting thick coat of black fur tinted with red, the color of blood. My worst fear was happening…I was becoming a beast.
Startled I bolted up right out of bed which was obviously one of the stupidest things I have done, pain so excruciating suffused my body. I forced myself up and I limped to the bathroom. Turning on the light I was even more startled by my reflection my lip was so swollen a blind person could see it. My headache had returned as soon as I turned on the light which didn't help at all. I washed my face happy there weren't any more noticeable marks other then my lip. I then got ready in my room for school. It took me longer than necessary to change my shirt for every muscle was so stiff. I noticed a deep dark purple bruise that started at my left hip traveling all the way up to the top of my rib cage. I then reached for my outfit threw it on no longer examining my body.
While at school I sat in the back of the class hidden from the rest of the crowd. My eyes wandered around the room to see if anyone was paying attention to me and of course I was not invisible but a stupid child being mocked, I seen a group of kids pointing at me giggling. I looked down as fast as I could scared to make another move or speak any sort of sound.
The bell started to ring and it was time to go to lunch. I waited for everyone else to leave the room before I got up. When I was walking towards the door I could feel the teacher staring me down with curiosity. Speeding up I ended up in the hall, I didn't know where I wanted to go. I decided to go left down the hall instead of going towards the cafeteria. I was afraid they would be there waiting for me, plus I didn't have much of an appetite. While I was walking I looked down at my feet thinking about what it would be like to run and be free from such a place. However I knew such a thing was impossible. I didn't really know where I wanted to go yet so I just kept walking, but that is when I ran into someone. This time however I didn't fall on my butt like a fool I just stumbled back a few steps. Looking up I became petrified, it was the tall kid and I could sense the anger from his expression but that is not the only thing I witness I seen the joy radiating in its eyes like this was all a fun little game to it. My heart started to race and my breathing became heavy, kind of like when a person just got done running. "Well, well, well if it isn't the little troll creature, you should learn to stay the fuck out of my way!" My head started to pound and I thought my heart was going to explode that was when the tall kid pushed me against the wall and spat in my face.
I took my sleeve and wiped my face off, erasing the spit and tears. I ran to the library right then hoping that no one was going to be there. At last I was right about something no one was in there I was finally alone, that is where I waited out the rest of my day.
Finally the last bell rang and I bolted up from the small corner I hid in and left the library as quickly as I could. When reaching outside I came to notice the child, it was surrounded by the tall one and its friends. My stomach began to knot up and I didn't know what to do! However it appeared my body had started to re act without my knowledge. I walked straight up to the group of kids and when I could get a hold of the child I grabbed its arm and pulled it away. The group of people then turned with shock on their faces, one shouted "Hey we didn't say you could leave you bitch." That is when the group grabbed the child's bag and mine pulling us towards them. Slowly I turned around and again it was the tall one in my face. "I thought I told you to stay out of my way you slimy piece of trash?" I decided not to say anything I just looked up into the creature's eyes and smiled. It's rage began to boil across its face. Right when it tried to hit me I felt my stomach tighten and once again out of fear I threw up right on its feet. Jumping back the creature and its friends started to shriek in disgust. That is when the child grabbed me pulling me in the opposite direction so we could escape.
When we finally ran out of breathe and stopped running we looked at each other and started laughing so hard I would of swore the child peed itself a little. After we calmed down we started walking in the direction of my house. The child didn't bother to start up a conversation which I thought was normal finally, I was used to the silence around me that or if it was noisy it was something I normally didn't want to hear.
The child and I ended up going are separate ways. All I could do was question why those things kept messing with us! Never have I done a thing to them, and I have not seen the child do anything either.