On a dark and stormy night, in which it is the most clichéd opening in all stories… Do-over.
Anyway, on a rainy day, at night, as the clouds grew dark… Better.
On a typical rainy night, near a small apartment complex, a man with no hair, wearing his green shirt and jeans, was sleeping on the couch, faced down. As he was slumbering, in his apartment, which was clean and tidy, with two couches, a huge HDTV on the wall, over a replica fireplace, a stereo system with numerous CDs of all Canadian music, throwback sports pennants of the Montreal Expos, Vancouver Grizzlies, and other Canadian Pro teams on the wall, and empty jars of pickles in piles, all over the place, the phone rang. No answer, as the man was sleeping still. The answering machine played, as the man was still sleeping.
"Hello…" A man in a deep gravelly voice spoke on the phone, "It's me, Jerry. This is Vincent Payne, from Mr. Nevins' office, and I am happy you want me to be in a future story, but you talk to my boss abut a new fic I can be featured in. And, for the LAST TIME, YOU CANNOT DRIVE HIS LIMOS! Do you know how much they are, mate? Anyway, call me back for a meeting. Ciao."
He hung up, as another message played. A woman spoke, as she was worried, "Hello, Jerry? This is Konoka Konoe. I know that you have Setsuna here. I was wondering if she haven't called me, lately, since we were engaged. We have a wedding planned for next year, and I want to ask her about you, being you hired her as your manservant. Oh, and if you're thinking of making a pass on me, hands off! You know I'm not into you… and that Secchan said that you're better off, being you're a widow. Bye."
The man rolled over, as he snorted, "Uh, wha?"
His name was-.
Hey, narrator. They all know who he is. And he'll introduce himself, when he gets the chance.
Aw, let him sleep. He's so peaceful, since he came out of retirement.
Try "obscurity" or "isolation". Besides, it's been decades since he was back.
Cucumber woke up, as he rubbed his eyes. He said, "Damn… Have I got a dream that was unfinished. Those guys are quirky."
His serious side said, Good. You're awake.
His playful side said, Yeah, you got a ton of messages.
Cucumber said, "I'll play them, later. Or, I can just backtrack this cold open."
WHAT cold open?! This is the first chapter!
"Oh."
The phone rang, as he ignored it. He said, "Don't answer it. It's got to be either Miz-K, Bubby, or-."
The message played, "Hello? Jerry?"
Cucumber gasped, "FUCK! It's…"
Dave.
Dave.
That was Cucumber's agent and producer, Dave Chimps. He worked as Cucumber's storyline producer, in the mid-90s. But when Cucumber came back, Dave wanted to write more of his adventures. Today, Mr. Chimps is Miz-K's producer, in some of his stories, and that he dreams of a new Cucumber adventure.
"Yeah, it's me, and, well… It's about your script for your new story. We like it, but it's missing something. You DO realize that this is fan fiction. So, I've scoured each of the fandoms, and said "Nah, too used up." Anyway, sorry again that the whole "K-On Robot" thing is your decision, but Miz-K says "NO" on it. He says that only you can write a fic with Yui, Mio, or Mugi robots… but that's against his will."
Cucumber stated, "You make one Azusa Robot that malfunctions and hates humans, and suddenly, you make the author state that robot musicians are considered cheating."
That IS cheating.
"Duh."
Name ONE band or singer that is a robot!
"I got none. Hard to say."
Man… I was hoping you'd guess… What about Beyonce?
Pure robot. She's too perfect.
"HAH! How about U2? They're been around since, I dunno… the 80s?"
He smiled, "Anyway, back to the "K-On!" thing… But I love malfunctions. What I want of a Mio Gynoid in her panties… when I feel like it."
He slouched in the couch, as his playful side said, Aw… That means "No"!
Well, what did you expect? He's not Don Juan!
The message continues, "Anyway, the script, we'll work on it… but… I don't know. Next time, do not be like your hero, Deadpool, and write with crayon, okay? You're in your late-30s, damn it! GROW UP!"
The message ends, as Cucumber sighed, "Fine… I don't want to grow up, you know. Since that Dent guy killed my wife… I'm not into love. I don't know. Who do I love? Well, Deadpool has Death… but he's immortal…"
Batman has Catwoman, Superman has Lois Lane, and then there's animes…
Take your pick!
The message played again, as it was Dave, again, "Hey, Jerry, guess what? The decision, it's been made! We like the idea, and we'll have your script ready. We, AHEM, unfortunately await your revisions… since you're the director, now… uh, froynlayven, much?"
Cucumber said, "I love that word… Thank you, Jerry Lewis. FROYNLAYVEN~!"
He added, "What? I'm Jewish-Canadian."
And he celebrates Christmas, too.
That's a first – a fictional character who is Jewish.
Dave added, "Oh, and uh, we have already added characters from two newer fandoms… Space Dandy and School Days. We have some requests on a robot girl in the Space Dandy thing, and Dandy wants to talk to you about being a bachelor. Also, you heard of a Konohara Katsura?"
Cucumber gasped, "Wait… You mean…"
He screamed, "THAT BITCH THAT RUINED THE ANIME?!"
Miz-K Takase presents:
"Cucumber: The Fan Fic"
Cucumber was slouching in the couch, upset, as he was furious, "Stupid School Days. That bitch ruined it, killing this Ito boy, and keeping his severed head. A Notice me Senpai moment, and people in anime world hate her now."
Not really, man. What really happened was that Ito's girl faked her pregnancy, just to stay with him, forever, but Makoto dated Konohara Katsura, leading to Sekai Saionji to kill Mak-.
DUDE! Don't spoil it!
Sorry. He's better off, I guess.
Yeah, but it lasted 14 episodes… I think.
There you go. THEM Anime gave it a 1 out of 5. That was off the wall, you know.
"What about that bitch from Mirai Nikki?"
Uh, no comment… She's way worse off.
Cucumber turned the TV off and said, "Click! I'm off."
He went to the kitchen and began to pull out a jar of pickles and a box of cold pizza. He said to the 4th wall, "While I eat, narrator, introduce me."
His name is Cucumber, but his real name is Jerome "Jerry" Holowitz. He's one of 7 brothers (Oldest brother Sam, Mike, Mickey, youngest brothers Bruce and David, and half-brother, Johnny). He's called Cucumber, because he loves pickles. He started as a very nice kid, growing up in the snowy fields of Canada, and raised his childhood in Syracuse. He was married to a girl named Becky Fisher, who was later killed by Dent, a masked man who was an evil villain. Cucumber's traits are that he's brilliantly smart, classy, and very amusing, but on most occasions, he's bat-shit crazy, unlike his brothers. According to his profile, he has many heroes: Jack Klugman (the guy in "Quincy"), Curly Howard, Jerry Lewis, Deadpool, and even popular voice actor, Nolan North.
Cucumber said, "Hey! The guy is famous in Uncharted."
He finished eating, as a knock on the door was made. He got up and said, "Gotta be the script."
He held up a pistol and said, "One can't be safe."
He called out, by the door, "WHO'S THERE?"
A woman called, "Uh… I got your package…"
Cucumber opened the door, as a girl in long blonde hair appeared, with a white top and short shorts, marked with the word "Boobies" on it. He said to her, "Yeah, I got your package, right here."
Heh… "Package".
He took it, as she said, "Hey, you're Jerry?"
"Yeah?"
"Hi, I'm from Space Dandy~! My name is… uh…"
"Uh, of course you do."
He slammed the door, as she said, "Strange… In the Dandy World, I know, but around here… uh…"
I think that this was Honey, from Boobies.
"Oh, right. I'm not used to other worlds…" Honey said.
Back in his apartment, he pulled out the script and speed-read through it. He huffed, "Garbage… Lame… Garbage… Who wrote this, a monkey?"
He grumbled, "Shit. As I expected… Words! I'm brilliantly smart, but even novels bore me. All the time… WORDS! EVERYWHERE!"
Laaaaame.
We should READ some. You have done a fic, before.
"Yeah, but I never read the script." He said, "I'm like Archer, who NEVER reads the dossier."
I guess that's why he's in AAW, now.
"And Hawley and Slater will get theirs, one day," he said, "Anyway, this script, it's interesting."
Then read some!
"Fine…" Cucumber moans, as he held the script up.
He read aloud:
"Scene 1 – dark and stormy night in Japan… clichéd… Cucumber is contracted to hunt down Konohara Katsura, for the murder of Makoto Ito, and possession of his severed head. Cucumber… blah, blah, blah…"
He held up his red crayon and said, "Right. I like the opener, but don't need THAT! Edit THAT! Fix THIS!"
Ah, crayons… Very classy…
Why are we killing my Yandere Simulator?
"Who cares? We're making art here!" Cucumber finished, as he said, "And that's just Act 1. BEHOLD!"
His script was scrawled in crayon, as he made a few changes. What are those changes? Well, he didn't write the script.
Nope~. He's the star!
Hmm, not sure the reader understands this story concept.
Cucumber said to the 4th wall, "Hey, reader, watch yourself. Forget Maidens, bizarre powers, and same-sex romance. We're going Full Tilt on this mother…"
He pulled the black curtain down, ending the scene.
Down below, Cucumber was walking down through the sewers, as he said, "Ew… I always hate sewers. They smell like poo gas."
You can take a bath, when you're done, you know.
"I kinda know that. And to be honest, is this the way to where Konohara is?"
Oh, yes. She never returned to her old school, and hid in obscurity. You think you can find her there? Oh, wait! She's located IN THE SCRIPT!
Cucumber said, "EH, whatever. I peered into the locations. She's on the way there, to East Sakura High."
Good guess!
Well, that was the first try.
Cucumber has the skills!
He found a ladder and held up a blueprint to the school building. He said, "Now, since this is a Miyazawa & May spinoff… which it's not… it has the same dramatics as the series, with its nonsensical madness."
Much like you. But then again, Miz-K created the "Miyazawa & May" storyline.
He's better than Scott Cawthon~!
Cucumber snorted, "SHAME! Cawthon is an EXCELLENT game creator! Plus, Five Nights at Usagi's… real original. Wish he didn't do FNAF World."
What happened, broken gameplay?
"No. Glitches. I hated that."
He studied the map, carefully, and after 45 seconds, he said, "Okay… Konohara is located just on the third floor, near the roof. We start at the gym, head straight to the first homeroom, and up the stairs to the next floor, avoiding any casualties of faculty members."
He read the script, "Hmm… Better consult the thesaurus. East Sakura High was turned into a warpath of students that want to protect their queen, who is, of course, Queen Katsura, who holds the head of the norm of norms, Makoto Ito, when he-. Blah, blah, blah… Fuck School Days."
Those "THEM Anime" reviewers are salaaming you right now. Sarcasm.
Hey, you said that the anime got a 1 out of 5!
Yeah, but another one gave it a positive review. I can't say who.
Cucumber finished mapping out his plan, as he said, "Well, now that that's done… I think it's time I need to make an entrance."
He placed a small C-4 explosive module on the door, above the ladder, as he said, "I'll give you three guesses, in ten seconds, of where I'll enter. Time to go boom."
Up in the first floor bathrooms, a boy was in the stall.
BOOM!
The boy exploded into pieces, as the boys' bathroom was destroyed. A few boys in black school uniforms were shocked, as Cucumber emerged from the smoke.
Cucumber cheered, "PHEW! That's what happens when you mix C-4 with a bean burrito, extra chili~!"
He glared at the boys, who are holding rifles, "Now tell me… I'm not the only one with a little shit in their pants, now, am I?"
The boys fired at him, as Cucumber ducked out of the way. He called out, "Are you gonna protect your Yandere Princess?! I think not!"
One boy in black calls out, "Protect Queen Konohara!"
They cheered on, as Cucumber sighed, "Obsession for a freak. What a psycho. I am defriending Katsura!"
Which one?
Cucumber held up two zucchini-printed AK-47s and shot them down. The boys retreated, as Cucumber ran through. He called out, "First floor neutralized! Okay!"
He asked, "You know, it'd be better if this were a tower, and not a school building!"
All Japanese Schools are three floors tall.
"Dude, that's not enough! It's like a maze! Now, stay away from me, Suicide Mouse!"
He ran to the stairway, as more boys, wearing gasmasks and helmets appeared. He cried, "SHIT! More Konohara-senpai's soldiers?"
And they are prepared!
He hid for cover, behind the corner. He waited, as the boys started to fire.
"WAIT!" He cried out, raising his arms up, "You may be wondering why the green shirt. Well, in case I'm too squeamish, and I puke all over myself, over the decayed corpses of you bad guys."
He pointed at one boy and said, "That guy's got the right idea, since he's wearing the brown pants."
He held up his gun and said, "Shit! 12 bullets… After that, I have to reload…"
He said to the 4th wall, as he prepared to dash off, "Start counting."
He fired at the soldiers, as he counted, "12! 11! 10!"
Two boys fell, as Cucumber kept shooting them down, preserving and counting bullets. A female voice called out, "No one takes my senpai away! Makoto is mine!"
Cucumber called out, "Hey, Yandere Bitch! I'm not gay!"
He shot at the corpse of a solider, in anger, "5! 4! Shit! Stupid! Stupid! Needed it!"
Konohara called back, as Cucumber went through, "I don't care! You can never take me alive!"
He cried, "Uh, hello! You think I want to arrest you? STUPID! I hated School Days!"
Three boys stopped him, as Cucumber fired his final bullet at them, piercing into all three boys, at once. He stopped and sniffed the guns. He sighed and smiled, "This beats guaca-fumes."
Cucumber ran upwards to the second floor. Konohara, a girl in all black, with long black hair, ran upwards to the stairway to the third floor, with a blue duffel bag, lightly soaked in blood, and was running to her hiding spot.
"I can take seeing boys like you… but for someone who wants my Makoto… I'll never give in! Makoto's mine! No one else's!" She cried.
Cucumber rushes through to the second floor, as the hallway was booby-trapped. It has landmines on the floor, sentry guns on the walls, and lasers strewn about. He stopped by the doorway, where his toes were inches near the tripwire. He bent down, wobbling, flailing his arms, and stood back straight.
"This guy knows everything!" Cucumber barked.
Careful… You don't want to get blown up.
Lovely fireworks!
"I can fix that." He said, as he whistled, "HEY! NEWBS!"
He whistled, as more boys in uniforms appeared. He turned around and slapped his butt in front of them, "Come on! Fresh meat, guys! This isn't Shimoneta, and this isn't rape~!"
Well, what is it, then?
The boys aren't gonna fall for-.
The boys ran after him, but they were decimated by numerous traps that they planted. He ran through the entire explosions, as he was unharmed. A huge boom happened, as he flew upward. He froze in place, upside-down, as she groaned, "Shiiiiiiiiiit. Did I leave the stove on?"
He landed on his feet, as the explosions ended. Cucumber said, as the smoke cleared, with no traps strewn about, "Idiots. Where did they get these booby traps? ACME?"
Heheh… "Booby"…
Cucumber reloaded, and rushed upwards to the third floor, as Konohara called out, "You think you're so slick, huh? Well, I got news for you. I am somewhere in this school, and I can be safe… with my love… I want my Makoto, all for me. You cannot have him… NO ONE CAN! I can kill him, for me… NO! I'll kill you, because you knew too much!"
Cucumber called out, as he was on the third floor, "Uh, hey, whore, do you think I am that righteous? Besides, your anime sucks! Up until the end, you killed him, and that other girl who fell in love with him! Give it up!"
Anime girls like her are the reason why anime has become random and so confusing…
Yeah. Gimme that old-fashioned hentai!
Konohara said, from the PA, "Attention, Ranker 1! Set your sights on that bald man… Destroy him!"
Cucumber gasped, "Bald?!"
He barked, "I'll have you know, it's shaven! And it's lightly growing, at my age… with a 3 in the beginning. I'm NOT 64."
He ran upward to the roof, as he said, "SWEET! Roof fight!"
He made it to the roof, as he was outside, in the rain, at night. A huge helicopter was on the roof, about to fly off. Cucumber said, as he hid from cover, "WHOA! This must be Ranker 1. Where's Ranker 2?"
He went in stealth, as one boy in brown hair and a green uniform was manning the turret. He called out, "MAKE A MOVE, SUCKER!"
He fired, as Cucumber started running from the gunfire. He cried, "YOU NEED A NEW LINE OF WORK!"
He was running around, as the soldier continued to fire. He ducked into some barrels and empty jerry cans, as the soldier called, "RUN AND HIDE, YOU BASTARD!"
Cucumber swiftly dodged the gunfire, and hid inside a huge banged-up locker. The soldier looked around, as the locker started to walk, sprouting feet from below. He went behind the helicopter, as Konohara shouted from the PA, "WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG? KILL THAT FREAK!"
Cucumber popped out, as he cheered, "SURPRISE!"
The boy and Cucumber aimed their guns at each other, point blank in the face. He said, "Mexican Standoff, eh?"
The boy said, "I know you won't shoot. You haven't the guts."
"Please. I have to, but you know I wouldn't, in my fanfics."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"You have no ammo left."
He clicked his gun, as Cucumber hissed, "Smoooooooooooth. You guessed, didn't you? Damn it! I knew I should've reloaded at Floor 3!"
The boy aimed his gun and prepared to fire, "Well, too bad. Mine is still loade-."
WHACK!
Cucumber whacked the boy's head with his pistol, as he jeered, "Yeah, but the butt of my gun is loaded, too. So's my bowels."
A boy in a buzzcut, sitting in the pilot's seat, called, "Matsuda? What's going on?"
He turned around, as Cucumber aimed the gun at him. He said, "Fly or die, asshole! Your choice."
The boy panicked, as he agreed. Cucumber asked, "Wait. His name was Matsuda?"
He kicked Matsuda off the helicopter, as the huge copter hovered off. Cucumber held the turret, as he fired at the boys, who were firing back at him. He screamed, as he was firing, "HEY! I CAN SEE A VIEW OF SCENIC JAPAN! SO DARK AND CLOUDY, WITH A CHANCE OF-, WELL, YOU GET THE IDEA! I WAS HOPING FOR A POST-APOCOLYPTIC SETTING, BUT CAN'T MISS THE GREENERY!"
"RANKER 1?!" Konohara cried, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH! IT'S HIM, ISN'T IT?"
Cucumber continued to fire, as he called, "LOOKS LIKE IT'S MY CALL!"
Another helicopter, one in blue, fired at the first helicopter. It blasted a huge missile at the cockpit, as Cucumber jumped off it.
Wait! NO!
"Oh, hell yes!"
Ranker 1 exploded, as Cucumber was falling to the school building.
HEY! WE'RE FLYING! WE'RE FLYING!
We CAN'T fly!
Cucumber said, as cameras flashed at him, while he flew downward, "Well, one can dream, right?"
Dreams, yes. Delusions, no.
"Hah! I studied Physics, and flunked out."
That reminds me… Your Physics grade: You got an A!
BZZZZT!
Cucumber plummeted downward, as he cried out, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!"
ING!
Cucumber was hanging from a tree branch, breaking his fall. He was dangling, as he giggled.
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAA! You know what else it is good to have?
Cucumber winked, "Skills~!"
He looked at the window and said, "Hmm… Third floor: underwear, panties, senior pranks, yanderes, and pickles. OH! Have to get in."
He nudged, as he started to rock back and forth. He sung, as he was rocking back and forward on the branch, "Rock-a-bye Cukey, in a pickle patch~. When the bough breaks, Cucumbers we catch~."
He broke the branch off, and swung himself into a glass window.
SMASH!
He went through glass, as he was severely cut through his face and body. He stood up, like he was unscathed, as he moaned, "Okay… That was heinous… and gruesome…"
He stuck his left thumb in his mouth and blow. He inflated himself into a huge balloon, and shot all the glass off of his body. All, but one, of the shards had left his body. One huge shard was in his right eye. He moaned, "What?"
He pulled it out, and his eye was normal and unscarred. He smiled and said, "I got a soft skull, unlike those Assassination Classroom audition rejects."
A few of the boys in green uniforms were killed by the wayward shards that Cucumber shot out, from across the hall. He said, "I hate to be them, right now. You may be thinking… "Yes, why no high school romances?" Duh. I'm a widow, and I'm celibate. I haven't had it with a woman, since Becky died."
Konohara said, from the PA, "I did not know that."
"HEY, EMO EAVESDROPPER! I was talking to the reader!"
"Who cares? It's tough for you to lose your loved on… Me, however, I would want to be with him, forever… and ever…"
She then buzzed a huge door open and said, "Well, fun chat together. NOW, you die! KILL THAT SICK FREAK!"
A huge muscular man in white skin, camos, and a torn black tank top, appeared, armed with a huge machine gun.
Whoa, daddy, look at the SIZE of that thing!
That's what SHE said!
We want that!
"How are we gonna get that off him?
Only one way to find out.
The huge man fired at Cucumber, as he ducked for cover. Konohara laughs, from afar, as she said, "Give up! You cannot take my darling Makoto away from me!"
He called out, "Uh, NEWS FLASH, Einstein! HE'S! JUST! A! HEAD!"
The man fired out a barrage of rockets, as Cucumber moved out of the way. He cried out, "Damn it! This guy is nuts!"
He then dodged a rocket and threw a pickle into his mouth. He chomped it and barked, "GRAAAAAAAAH!"
Cucumber panicked, as he cried, "Damn it!"
He ran around to the rooftop, as the huge muscle man with his rocket launcher appeared on the roof. Cucumber asked, "Huh? Another one? But he-? How did-? I don't-."
The second huge man, from earlier, appeared, as Konohara called from the speakers, "Oh, boys… Get up to the rooftop and KILL THIS ASSHOLE!"
More boys appeared, as Cucumber zips onto the top of the first muscular man. Cucumber slammed his helmet down, blinding him. He then said, taking his rocket launcher, "DUDE! WHAT IS THAT?"
He fired at the boys, as they were sent flying to the dark sky. Cucumber laughed, as the second muscular man, as he fired. He said to the big soldier, "Couldn't have happen to a nicer bunch of guys."
He dodged the rocket, as the second muscle man kept firing, as Cucumber fired with his AK-47s. The second huge guy toppled off the roof, and then fell to the ground, leaving a massive crater.
Cucumber looked down and sighed, "Phew… I could use a vacation."
That was quick…
"I don't know what you want from me, but you cannot take my Makoto away…" Konohara called.
Cucumber smirked, "Yes, I can. You can join him, in Hell."
"You cannot find me. I'm in this building, where you cannot penetrate! Seems I made this Cucumber-proof."
"You mean like an impenetrable safe room? I think I can improvise. Third floor, right?"
XXXXX
Cucumber arrived at the third floor, as he saw a huge metallic blast door. He asked, "Hmm… I'm gonna need some explosives for this bad mother."
Try 20 ounces.
What? D'OH, I hate the metric system! How much in American?!
Well, lemme see… carry the 4…
Cucumber surrounded the door with tons of dynamite, as he huffed, "Nah, fuck math! Just use all of it!"
He ran for cover, as the door exploded.
KABOOOOOOOOOOOM!
YEAAAAAAAAH! THAT WAS AWESOME!
Konohara was coughing, as she clutched Makoto's head in her bosom. Cucumber tackled her down.
See? Twenty ounces. That was pretty sweet, though.
Cucumber strangled Konohara, planting her by the window, as he hissed, "How's that for impenetrable, you whore?"
Konohara sobbed, "No… Don't hurt me…"
Careful, we still need her alive.
Cucumber asked, "Exactly how alive are we talking about?"
He started to punch her, as she was punched through the glass window, cracking it, hit by hit.
"And this is for Makoto Ito! THIS is for that other girl, Sekai San-whatever! You ruined a perfectly good anime! You murderer! You jezebel! You failed anime-girl! You yandere!"
He continued hitting, as the glass was increasing its cracks, "And THAT was for Akame ga Kill and Berserk, killing off the good characters! THAT was for hurting me, as a stereotypical pervert! THAT was for the animes I hate, including Superbook! (WHO WATCHES RELIGIOUS ANIME? Oh, right. I do. Nice to learn about religion.) And THIS is for the people that died in ALL animes, via murder, not counting Detective Conan! And THAT'S for DBZ, for Tien! Chaotzu! Yamcha! Piccolo! And everyone else who died, but revived! THAT is for World Heroes PERFECT, for ending a perfectly good fighting game series! THAT'S for not letting Animaniacs make 100 episodes! YOU GUYS WENT TO 99, BEFORE YOU CANNED IT! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! NOBODY! IS! EVER! HAPPY! OTHER! THAN! YOU! BUT ! EXCEPT! FOR! ANIME! NERDS! LIKE! US!"
SMASH!
"SHORYUKEN!" He lands a final punch, sending himself and Konohara down the huge crater.
She cried out, "YOU CANNOT DO THIS! YOU'RE INSANE!"
He smiled, "Not as insane as you think…"
CRASH!
Konohara crashes to the underground sewer, but luckily, Cucumber left a mattress there, breaking her fall. He knew that he can still torture her, rather than kill her.
Cucumber got up, as he moaned, "Oh, man…"
YAY! That was fun!
"Yeah, but it's okay."
Well, it's not like we get a do-over on this one.
"The hell we don't!"
He held up a plunger and hit the button. The entire story goes back to where it started, in a very fast pace, and with a huge counter counting up, showing how much the do-over cost, from Cucumber blowing up the boys' bathroom, to killing the boys, and to beating up Konohara Katsura, in complete lunacy and harsh violence, shooting up a spree, and recreating each scene, exactly how it went.
It concluded with Cucumber, in a drawn picture of himself, riding on a yellow bell pepper, over a rainbow.
"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Cucumber got up, after the do-over.
His cellphone rang, as he answered it, "Peter! My main man! Did you see that? First chapter – shitload of AWESOMENESS!"
Dave cried out, on the phone, "JERRY, YOU IDIOT! IT'S DAVE!"
"Oh… It's you, Dave…"
"Are you kidding me?" He roared, as Konohara was being dragged away by two girls in white tops and short shorts, "Do you know how much all those graphics, tacky words, and explosions cost? This is NOT Borderlands, you know! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND AND MAKE IT YOUR FIC!"
Cucumber huffed, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Dave. Talk to my dick. Call you back."
He hung up, as he noticed the girls carrying Konohara away, "HEY! Where are you A-holes going with my contract?"
Way to go. She got away.
"Of course she got away. Gimme some credit!"
OOH, I know! We LET her get away!
"Exactly! The fun is in the chase! And besides, my fan fic is NOT a one-shot!"
Now you're talking! Let's get her.
Cucumber ran down the tunnels, as he chases after the girls that kidnapped Konohara. Or were they assisting her on escaping? As he ran off, a man in a bacon shirt was following Cucumber, as he whispered, behind the corner.
"It's Jerry Cucumber Bacon Holowitz. My bacon boss. I wonder what he's doing. I saw bacon Boobies girls, with long blonde bacon hair. Bacon-bacon. I better help him, bacon. Needs more bacon."
As Bacon continues to follow Cucumber, Cucumber arrives at a dead end, as he said, "Huh? Great. A dead end. Where the hell are those idiotic girls with Katsura?"
Bacon asked, "Konohara Bacon Katsura? You mean the bacon girl that bacon decapitated Makoto Ito, in a Notice Me Bacon moment? Bacon! Bacon! Kono-bacon must die! Bacon is love! Bacon is life! Fuck School Days, eat Bacon. Bacon-bacon-bacon! All bacon needs life!"
Cucumber asked, "Huh? You?!"
Bacon. Why did HE show up?
He just LOOOOOOOVES his bacon.
Stupid guy… Now is not the time.
"The hell it is…" Cucumber prepares to fight, as Bacon laughs.
"Lol wut? Bacon has a dream to fight you, Cucumber Bacon." Bacon smiled.
"Really? Last time I saw you, you wasted the budget from our Christmas fic!"
"Cut me a bacon break! I wanted to bacon debut, as long as you bacon wanted your own bacon fic!"
"Yeah… Try buying a pizza with bacon crust."
"Maybe bacon later. Thanks for reminding me. Bacon-bacon, needs more bacon!"
Bacon charges at Cucumber, as Bacon grabs Cucumber in a headlock. Cucumber threw him down, as Cucumber barked, "Damn it! I didn't know you were strong."
Bacon laughed, "Strong? I am bacon strong. Bacon makes me strong. Bacon gives me life. Your days as hero are over. Cucumber is so nineteen-bacon-nineties, Bacon is the twenty-first-bacon-century's newest OC bacon poster boy. Bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon!"
Just what we need, an annoying character…
Cucumber tackles Bacon down, as he strangled him, "Listen up, bacon-hole! I have an important contract to fulfill! Konohara must die, in a fair manner!"
Bacon griped, "Never! All evil girls that kill their bacon senpai must suffer. School Days was ruined, thanks to that bacon yandere. What do you think happened to Bacon Berserk?"
Cucumber said, "Yes, but everyone died… even Guts."
He mimicked Patrick and said, "Everyone died. The end~."
Bacon replied, "Hah. Anime icons never bacon die. They just bacon away. Bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon."
Bacon kicked his stomach and freed himself. Bacon said, as he complained, "What is this blasphemy? How dare you deny me of my precious bacon? Do they not know I am the supreme ruler of the Bacon Universe?"
Cucumber asked, "Uh, could you contact Jimmy Dean? Because I sure don't want to!"
He glowed in a brownish aura, "Now, Cucumber Man, Bacon will be the bacon overlord, as you will be ousted. Bacon is not a bacon bad guy, but your time as bacon director is finished. Bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon!"
BANG!
Cucumber fired a shot from his AK-47 and huffed, "Do you ever shut up?"
He added, as he reloaded, "And you're SO uninvited to my birthday party!"
Bacon was wounded by the right knee, as he cried, "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! THAT BACON HURTS! WHY DID YOU DO THAT, BACON?"
Cucumber barked, "Because, moron! I'm a mutate, and you're not!"
POW!
Bacon struck Cucumber in the crotch, as Cucumber groaned, "AAAAUGH! Shit… Right up 3rd Street!"
He dropped to his knees and moaned. Bacon laughs, but Cucumber shot at his leg, again.
Bacon whined, "What is this blasphemy? How dare you deny me of my precious bacon? Do they not know I am the supreme ruler of the Bacon Universe? Yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaya!"
Bacon's wound recovered, as he smiled, "Didn't hurt. Bacon. Bacon. Needs more bacon."
Wait… Did THAT count?
Cucumber fired again, but Bacon dodged each shot. He smiled and said, "All hail thee delicious bacon! Bacon. Bacon. Needs more bacon. Fuck pickles, eat bacon!"
Cucumber roared, "INSULT MY FAVORITE FOOD, WILL YA?"
He looked at his right wrist and roared, "MOTHERFUCKER!"
His wrist was constricted with a slice of bacon. He pulled it off with his teeth, as he cried, "JEEZ! What are you, a Snake Bacon Charmer?"
Bacon laughs, "HAH! That's my line. Bacon says his lines, better than that!"
Bacon jumped upward, as he cried out, "Bacon Beam!"
He fired a bright pink and red beam at the floor, as it started to crumble. The floor started to collapse, as Cucumber started to tumble down through the debris, screaming in pain. "AAAAAAAAAAAGH! DAMN YOU, BACON!"
Bacon laughs, as he said, "Hi. This is Bacon's Fanfic, now, where I'll be the only bacon character. Now, that was for bacon shooting me, after I give a faux bacon commercial. Everyone loves bacon. Bacon is the best dish, no matter what. As it is. Whatever it takes. Bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon!"
He shrieked, "WHAT THE FUCK! AGH! BACON DID NOT KNOW THIS BACON PLAN! WAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! Oh, right. I cannot bacon fly. Oops."
He then plummeted, as he cried, "YAAAAAAAAAAH! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACON!"
Bacon fell into the abyss, possibly crashing to his death.
XXXXX
Meanwhile, Cucumber was sliding down the huge tunnel, through a water slide. He was riding the sewer system, as he was cheering on.
"WHOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOO! THIS BEATS INDIANA BEACH!" Cucumber cried.
He slid all the way down, and then crashed into a steel grate.
CLANG!
He moaned, as he was in pain, "Ouch… Didn't hurt…"
He got out and shushed the 4th wall. He saw Konohara, holding the bag of Makoto's head, as she was in the presence of a huge gorilla in a hat, white suit, a gold monocle, and dark gray fur.
Konohara bowed to the gorilla man and said, "Everything is in place, master. I obey your every whim…"
Cucumber asked, "Who's the monkey dude?"
Have you read Space Dandy?
"No. But I saw a little of it."
That's Dr. Gel! He was the apeman that always fails at getting to Dandy!
Dr. Gel smirked, "Excellent… You have done my duties well. Any problems, whatsoever?"
Konohara growled, "Only that guy in a green shirt… and he's bald, too."
Dr. Gel replied, "So… Cucumber. He's been hounding you?"
She nodded, "Yes. I'll never give in to my senpai! Makoto's mine!"
Dr. Gel extended his hand out and said, "Give me his head. Perhaps I can revive him, as your personal slave."
She blushed, "Really?"
She gave him the head, as a blonde girl in a Boobies uniform, the same white and orange top and short shorts, stabbed Konohara in the spine, as Dr. Gel laughed, "No. I mean, who'd want a yandere as a slave? You're too morbid! You're no longer needed, you filthy murderer."
Konohara collapsed and died, letting out her final breath, "My… Mako… to…"
She let out a death rattle, as the girls took the dead Konohara away, as Cucumber growled, "Bastard!"
Shit. There goes our contract money.
Cucumber asked, "Wait, wait, hold on… Was that even in the script? Is that how it goes?"
He read the script and growled, "Why that Alpha Bits shit-hurler! HE RUINED MY FIC! Time to have a little off-script chat with Mr. Grape Ape."
Dr. Gel laughs evilly, as he held up Makoto's head in a bag and said, "Wonderful. This boy's knowledge is all I need, just to finally wipe out Dandy, once and for all!"
"JESUS! It's just an 18-year old head!" Cucumber hollered, from far away.
He busted down the grate, and then hopped down, shooting his guns at the Boobies girls. The girls dropped down, as their skin and limbs were tattered, showing chrome skin.
Cucumeber barked, as he went closer, ignoring the gynoids he destroyed, "LOOK! I came here to get paid, for taking down a yandere that killed her own senpai, and I don't appreciate some gorilla douche, killing my target, before I could! But since Konohara Katsura can die and go to hell, for ruining a perfectly funny anime, now… I need to collect from your sorry ass!"
He aimed at Gel, as he smirked, "Should I be afraid of a cute little Canadian mutate, like you?"
He grabbed Cucumber by the neck, as he cried, "What the hell! Dr. Gel doesn't have superpowers!"
Dr. Gel laughs, "NO… but I do have super smarts and super strength!"
POW!
Dr. Gel destroys Cucumber with one massive right hook. Cucumber's head rolled to the ground, as Dr. Gel said, on a small radio, "Bea, this is Gel. I ran into some, uh, problems… But that's okay. Cucumber is dead. Now, we shall begin the operation for our Admiral Perry. Let's go."
He and his girls walked off, as Cucumber's severed head remained on the ground, twitching a bit. He croaked, as he was still alive, "Okay… That was uncalled for."
Dr. Gel and his android groupies teleported away, as Cucumber moaned, "Man… Bacon, you still owe me a fifty!"
After that, his eyes closed, as he sighed, "That stupid… ape…"
He passed out, after that.
Don't worry, Cucumber is still alive. Or is he? Who will rescue him, before Dr. Gel makes his plans come to fruition? Is Cucumber right, when this fic has been ruined? Will the other characters from this chapter make its first appearance? Will we get hate mail from School Days fans?
Find out in the next chapter…