What Really Happened
Part One
a fanfiction comedy by Animagus
(don't read this unless you've read ALL of book four or you will be horribly lost)
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"Kill the spare."
Wormtail heard the instructions and shakingly picked up his Master's wand. "Avada Kedavra!"
Cedric Diggory fell to the ground. Wormtail winced at the sight and turned to Harry, who was puking all over the place.
He strode over and pulled Harry roughly up. As he tied the boy to the headstone (which read Tom and Martha Riddle as they'd been buried together) he thought, Ack, this is so morbid. Trust frikkin Master to come up with something like this.
Finally he dragged the waiting cauldron and dumped ol' Master in it with a splash.
At least one good thing will come of this, he thought, the git hasn't had a bath in twenty years.
"Bone of the father, get the hell up." said Wormtail crossly. "You hafta bring Voldy back."
A fine powder of white dust rose from the ground and hovered, before forming the shape of a large hand. The hand was making a very rude gesture. Then the dust broke apart and flew into the cauldron.
"What, did you have a sense of humor!?" Wormtail stared at the ground where the two Riddle's were buried, then focused his attention on the cauldron. It's contents had turned blue and were now hissing and bubbling.
Meanwhile, the huge long snake called Nagini was circling Harry hungrily.
Then he paled. It was his turn now. "FLESH of the servant!" he yelled, trembling all over. "You will be cut OFF, and thrown into a cauldron of CRAP, in which a deformed little baby will come BACK to life!" In one swift movement he picked up the jagged knife on the ground (A/N: Don't ask me how the knife got there, sheesh) and ... cut off his lips.
Damn, he thought, I cut off my lips.
Wormtail clutched his face his face and whimpered, shocked by the pain. After a few seconds, he managed to stagger over to Harry Potter.
"Bwood o' deh eneny," he gasped, "You will resurrect yo' foe!" It was hard to speak without lips.
With the same jagged knife, he sliced the nick of Harry's arm. Blood seeped out while Harry watched helplessly. Wormtail fumbled in his robes for the right glass vial. He pulled it out, collected Harry's blood, and poured it into the cauldron. Then, shaking uncontrollably, Wormtail fell to his knees.
Steam shot up from the cauldron, and after a few agonizing seconds of silence, the outline of someone very tall and thin could be seen rising out. It hovered for a second, then stepped to the ground.
It had gleaming red eyes, and slits for nostrils, like a snake. Nagini slithered up to it, hissing loudly.
The naked person then said the most unexpected thing it could have said:
"Aaaugh! I'm a woman!"
"Oh my God! This is all your fault, Wormtail! Oh s***!" The female-Voldemort (who was stark-naked and had an even higher-pitched voice than before) was ranting loudly.
Wormtail tried to bite his lower lip--except that he didn't have any, so he ended up gagging.
Voldemort truly was female. From where he was, Wormtail could clearly see that.
She stalked over and yelled, "Damnit, Wormtail, what happened?!"
Nagini nodded and hissed vigorously.
"Er...," he looked wildly around for some sort of explanation. His eyes fell on the gravestone where Harry Potter (who looked repulsed) was tied. Tom and Martha Riddle... that was it!
"Master, yar moder an' fader were boried togedah." He spoke, trying to pronounce his words without lips.
"SO?!"
"Well, I jus' thought, you know... day alvays did have a sick sense o' hoomer..." he trailed off.
"Are you saying...? Oh crap!" Realization dawned on Voldemort. "I was reborn as a woman because they gave me my MOTHER'S BONE INSTEAD OF MY FATHER'S?!"
"I tink so, Master."
Voldemort's face broke into a wide grin.
"I could be wrong, o' course," Wormtail added hastily.
"Oh, no no no, you're not wrong," she said, looking herself up and down. "In fact, I think I really could get to enjoy this form!"
"Ah..."
"Now, first things first. I pride myself on being prepared for everything. So--" Voldemort walked over to the bundle of blankets and drew out-- frilly pink underpants. Smiling insanely, she put them on and picked up her wand.
Now dressed in naught but frilly pink panties, Voldemort conjured a full-length mirror and began admiring herself.
Wormtail shot a glance at the Potter boy and saw that Harry's eyes were squeezed tight shut.
"Wormtail, give me my pink brassiere."
"Master... forgive me, but... you didn't 'ring any." he said.
"Oh, fine." Voldemort swung on her robes (which were powder blue) and struck a pose for the mirror.
So he stayed quiet and Voldy kept on striking poses.
There was a long pause. Voldemort turned to Wormtail and said, "don't I look cute in these robes?", giggled, and continued posing for her mirror.
Pause.
"CAN WE PLEASE GET ON WITH IT?!" Harry yelled, looking up. and immediately shutting his eyes again at the sight of the topless Voldemort.
"Right, I was just about to, " Voldemort huffed. "Wormtail, your lips--" Shiny silver lips erupted from her wand and firmly attached themselves to Wormtail's mouth. He was startled. The silver lips on his face greatly resembled lipstick.
"Wait a minute," said Harry. "Aren't you supposed to do that after the Death Eaters come?"
"Shut up, you." she said, then looked back at Wormtail.
""Thank you Master... thank you!"
"Hmph." Voldemort put her hands on her hips. "I wanted a brassiere. Now--" She clapped her hands twice. "Death Eaters! Oh, Deatheys! Come here!" Grabbing Wormtail's arm, she prodded the Dark Mark and made it burn black.
Then, as soon as the Death Eaters arrived, she bewitched their robes so that every one of them wore American cheerleading outfits, complete with pom poms.
Voldemort and the Death Eaters pranced around and henceforth continued to party all night.
Around midnight, Harry untied himself and left via Portkey, but they didn't care.
At one-thirty, Nagini got fed up. Nagini was tired of being ignored! So she (he?) ran away, and joined the circus.
Female-Voldemort and the cheerleading Death Eaters danced and had fun (one of them brought out a boom box and played Savage Garden) until three a.m. when the Muggle police came and arrested them all.
END
A/N: This is what should have happened, anyway. In my opinion, that is. Let's see...
Harry Potter, Wormtail, the Death Eaters, Tom Riddle, and Voldemort belong to J.K., not me.
The name "Martha" was made up by me, but Tom Riddle's wife belongs to J.K.
Savage Garden belong to themselves.
"Voldemort and the Death Eaters" would be a good name for a band, don't you think?
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