Umm, I'm feeling a little down at the moment. Which explains this quite a lot I think, the more down I am the more bleak the fic I'm afraid. Anyway, I heard Within Temptation's Frozen for the first time in ages this morning and I realised that it would make a great backdrop for this fic which I have been struggling with for a while. Coupled with my general down-ness and this was created.
Disclaimer: In my dining room there is a bed instead of a table. Upon that bed Dean is doing very dirty things to Cas with his tongue. My ownership of the boys is as imaginary as that bed. Similarly, the lyrics at the beginning and end are not mine. They belong to Within Temptation.
Frozen.
Tell me I'm frozen
But what can I do?
Can't tell the reasons
I did it for you
Castiel does not feel anymore, not in the way that he used to. Not in the way that he did as he was falling. The emotions are still there, somewhere, but they are not as harsh, not as all consuming as were as he fell. Feelings are a distraction, a needless additional consideration that the angel does not have time for. He walls them up behind his strongest barrier and desperately tries to ignore them.
He ignores the way that emotions made the colours of the world brighter, the way that pain and anguish made things seem so stark and brilliant. He ignores the way that his brief moments of happiness softened everything down to a warmth and a comfort. He ignores the warmth of his moments with Dean when the hunter was not despairing utterly. He ignores the way that the touch of Dean's soul was a comfort to him, he ignores the possessive need for the man.
He runs from it, runs from the desire to be close to Dean and to fall from grace once more. He runs towards the purpose that his Father has given him in the form of returned grace. Castiel uses the excuse of having a purpose to protect his own heart as much as he does to protect Dean. The angel is well aware of the promise that Sam forced from the older man. He is well aware that Dean swore he would return to Lisa and Castiel knows that a normal life with a normal family is what was best for the hunter at the time. He sacrificed his own happiness to allow Dean that opportunity.
It seems that Castiel's existence is all about sacrifice in one way or another and all for Dean. He sacrificed his grace for Dean, gave up his life twice in an attempt to protect the hunter. Then, when a chance at happiness was within his reach, Castiel flew back to Heaven so that the man would have an opportunity to love and heal. Castiel has given up his own wishes for Dean time and again, because Castiel's wishes have long been Dean's.
He only longs to make the hunter aware of the reasons that he has done all that he has. He lies, he dissembles, he says that Heaven is calling him. It takes a while for the civil war to start, a war that could have been prevented for decades if Castiel had not given in to his own fear and remained with his hunter. Castiel could have had happiness but he tries to convince himself that his happiness is to be found in Dean's.
Dean may never forgive Castiel for leaving him, the angel knows and accepts this, the hunter may never forgive him for turning his back but Castiel cannot take the risk that Dean will become a target. The war is growing, more and more angels flock to one side or the other. Castiel cannot even respond to Sam's calls, the younger man a strange void on the edge of his awareness. He cannot risk leaving the war and yet when Dean calls, even though he really does have an interest in the subject, Castiel cannot help but come running.
Harsh words are exchanged, harsh words coupled with soft moments of understanding and worry. It is not Sam that Castiel worries for, however, it is Dean. Sam is easily dealt with, Dean is another matter entirely. It is perhaps this concern that makes Castiel deal with the situation more callously than he knows that he should. This concern that Dean will do something stupid if anything happens to Sam. The younger Winchester has always been the hunter's weak point.
Perhaps, he ponders, Dean would be better off if Castiel just slipped quietly out of his life, if the angel stopped dreaming of hard kisses and green eyes when he should be fighting a war. Perhaps Dean would be better off if Castiel had stayed away in the first place. It would take time, certainly, but eventually the abandonment would be less fresh in the hunter's mind, eventually all Dean would remember would be a cold angel and a blue eyed vessel.
Dean deserves to be happy, Castiel believes, and he is not the being in creation made for that task. The war is too much, the outcome is too uncertain, and Castiel will not drag the hunter down with him. One day Dean will find that happiness and until then Castiel will watch and try to forget that one embrace that he fled. He will turn his back on the only time that Dean held him close and he will try to erase the memory of Dean's lips on his the one and only time that they kissed. He wants Dean safe and happy and that is something the hunter will never be with him.
If that makes him a cold, heartless son of a bitch then so be it.
When lies turn into truth
I sacrifice for you
You say that I am frozen
what can I do?
Artemis