Sometimes Riza imagines a world where Roy shook her hand the first time he met her. If only he hadn't been so nervous, and if only she hadn't been such a good daughter, maybe they could have been happy.
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The knock on the door jolts Riza from her daydream. The dreary day outside had led her to thinking of sunnier days, and her schoolwork is laying scattered and forgotten on the table. She hurriedly gathers it into a neat pile. Father won't be happy with her if she makes a bad impression for his new student. Just as she places the last paper on the pile there is a second knock.
"Damnit Riza, would you go get the door!"
Riza stands up so fast she knocks her knee on the table. Wincing, she hobbles to the door and opens it.
Her father's new student is younger than she thought he would be. Just a boy, maybe a year or two older than herself. His eyes are wide with shock, dark hark hanging in his face and dripping with rainwater.
"This is Mr. Hawkeye's residence, right?" He sounds nervous but sticks out his hand with confidence. "I'm Roy Mustang."
Riza looks at his hand, tempted to reach out and take it, but the sound of her father creaking down the steps changes her mind. Roy's hand is still sticking out, expectantly. "My father says I'm not to touch strangers." Roy drops his hand awkwardly. Realizing she hadn't introduced herself, Riza hastily adds, "I'm Riza. Hawkeye. My father should be down any minute. Why don't you step inside?"
Roy gives her a small smile as he follows her inside. It's a pleasant smile. Riza hopes it will stick around longer than the last student's did.
.,.
If only her father hadn't been so stern, if only Roy hadn't tried to be a model student, if only she had been a more rebellious daughter.
.,.
The next few years pass with hardly any real conversations passing between the two. Riza is busy with school while Roy and her father are holed up in his study. Sometimes her father kicks Roy out when he has a breakthrough on his own alchemy, and Roy is forced to study in the small kitchen instead. These are the rare moments when they can talk to another person besides Mr. Mustang, and though they never consider the other a friend, neither of them has anyone else to talk to, and they share a special bond because of it.
Their conversations are always short, the kind that can be stopped at a moment's notice if her father needs something. He wouldn't be happy if his daughter and student were caught being too friendly with each other, so they keep to light subjects, never anything too personal or deep. They talk about the weather, about what Riza would be making for dinner, about what Riza was learning that week in school, or what antics Roy's sisters had gotten themselves into in the most recent letter from Central. But they never talk about dreams, hopes, or futures. This is why, when Roy tells her father that he is leaving them to join the military, Riza is as shocked as her father is.
One week later when Roy moves to hug her goodbye, she steps back, almost instinctively. It's a dance the two of them are used to by now, Roy, clearly raised in a family without boundaries, Riza, obedient of her father's wishes-demands. Riza tries not to memorize the slightly hurt look on Roy's face. She does anyway.
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If only Riza had taken a chance on a potential future, if only Roy hadn't taken one on his own.
.,.
When Roy finishes telling her about his plans for a brighter and better Amestris, she knows that she is in danger of falling in love. They are still reeling from the aftershock of her father's death, sitting in the small kitchen like they did years before, swirling dusty beer in the only clean glasses in the house. And now, finally, without Berthold's presence hanging over them, they talk of hopes and dreams.
"…do you really believe that flame alchemy can bring your dreams to fruition?"
Roy looks up at Riza with a start, and considers her words. "I don't know. Your father told me so little about it. But with more knowledge, the applications of that alchemy could be limitless. It's a shame that no one will ever know for sure."
Riza looks at Roy. Looks and sees Roy's hope, looks and sees the only other person who knows what it was like to live with her father, looks and sees a man she fears she is beginning to love, and makes her decision. In later years, when she and Roy are constrained by duty, she fears that her decision was solely because she had tired of carrying the burden on her back alone, that it came from a place of selfishness and loneliness, but deep down she know that is wrong. She also dreams of a better Amestris, and she will do whatever it takes to make it happen.
.,.
If only Roy hadn't been such a good man. If only he hadn't respected her so much. If only he hadn't restrained himself. If only he had touched her earlier. If only she had allowed herself the happiness she deserved.
.,.
In the weeks that Roy stays with her to study the secrets on her back, he never once touches her. When she bares her back to him, he leans so close that she can feel his breath, but he never touches her. It's agonizing, because Riza just wants to know. She wants to know what it feels like, to touch another person, to be touched by another. The only other time she remembers, it was her father, the day her mother died, and it left her with feelings of grief and sickness and resentment. Less than a month after he arrives, Roy leaves her alone again. He has nearly mastered flame alchemy, and what little he hasn't, he didn't need her for. The pull of the military, of Roy's dreams, is too strong. Riza tries to comfort herself with the thought that Roy is making the world a better place, but the pull of Roy, of his dreams, is to strong. Riza enlists one week later.
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If only…
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War is hell. Roy tries not to think about the fact that Riza followed him into it and that he betrayed her trust. Riza tries not to think about the fact that not only was she responsible for the lives of the Ishvalens she shot, but also the thousands that Roy burned alive. There isn't much time for sentimentality.
.,.
If only.
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"…Will you burn these secrets of my back?"
"…What? No, I can't do that-" Roy stares at her incredulously. Riza tries harder.
"Please. You must. It's all my fault. No one should ever know these secrets. No one must ever set eyes on them again. I can't bear this guilt anymore. Please."
They set the date and time for the next day. Just after sunset, a few miles out from camp. They set the date and time because if they didn't Roy would have time to find the excuses he was looking for.
When the time comes and Riza bares her back to him for the first time in years Roy can't help it. He places a comforting hand on her shoulder, readying his other hand to snap and then-
light, bright and hot. heat, painful and searing. warmth, flooding their bodies. and then strong feelings of guilt. regret. sadness. hopelessness. tenderness. devotion. heartache. and something so strong that it overpowers everything else, overpowers the pain, becomes the pain, transcends pain.
Love.
Roy and Riza find themselves on the ground, gasping in pain and ecstasy. At first Riza thinks that it's over, that she is finally free, but she never heard the snap of his glove. And though her back is in pain, so is her whole body. Pain like she never thought she could feel. She is vibrating with it. Then she sees Roy kneeling on the ground like she is. Gasping in pain like she is. Shaking like she is. Their eyes meet and she realizes. And she can't stop the tears from coming, because now she knows what it feels like.
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When two people touch they physically experience all the emotions and pain they will cause each other over the course of their lifetimes in the course of a minute. For strangers, who meet only once, this is a relatively quick and painless process. For soulmates, the experience is generally pleasant, flooding the pair with feelings of love and happiness, maybe no more pain than a stepped-on toe.
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