HURRICANE
Michelle wrestled with the sheets again from dusk until dawn. Most of her nights were spent this way these days. The emptiness filling the other side of the bed made her nauseous. When did it all disappear? They had known what had led up to the breaking point. There were more than a handful of things to account for it. But how had it gotten this far? Some days she woke up and had to be reminded that everything was like it was from the gut-wrenching silence that overtook her cold apartment; a strange place she didn't even belong in.
She missed the kisses that used to wake her up and his hand brushing across her arm. His breath on her neck and whispers in her ear that she was his life. She missed the smell of coffee being brewed in the mornings and the Chicago Cubs mug she was always guaranteed to see in his hand when he was drinking it. She missed his cooking and his laughs when she tried. She even missed the short temper he let get the best of him sometimes.
She dragged herself out of bed and slipped on her robe. She was off of work today which was probably a good thing, but she had almost wished she wasn't. It was an escape from the pain she would otherwise be forced to dwell on without a distraction.
She sauntered into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Her eyes glanced at the freshly signed papers on the counter. Signing those papers should've felt terminal to something, but she had lost Tony long before she signed them. The days after he came home from prison were supposed to be filled with relief and embrace and the love they had missed out on for too many months. Instead, she ended up sharing the days with somebody she barely recognized. Tony wasn't the same and she was forced to watch his bitterness spread and his tainted spirit change him. It was like a slap in the face and she came to the point where she just couldn't endure it anymore.
The voices from the courtroom on the previous day filled her head. It had been so embarrassing and hurtful, but mostly devastating to stand there and watch her once-beautiful marriage go down in flames. Anger began surging through her blood. How could he just let go and do this to himself? To them? Were they not worth it? He cared for them enough to save her life, but not his own?
She hated him for the way he acted upon returning home. At least she thought she hated him. But what she really hated was how it had been so easy to give up; to just let it go when it got too difficult. It shouldn't have been that easy. At first she had wanted to make it work; the option of ending their marriage hadn't even existed to her. But Tony's actions started to tell a different story, and eventually she had been pushed so far away that they couldn't meet eye to eye if they tried.
In frustration, Michelle shoved the papers across the counter and poured a cup of coffee. A sick feeling took residence in her stomach and became almost unbearable. She realized she hadn't been breathing and released some air quickly. She couldn't even stomach taking a sip. The tip of her index finger just outlined the rim of her mug over and over. An unexpected whimper suddenly escaped from her and physical pressure seemed to weigh on her chest as she relived yesterday's courtroom scene in her head again. Her eyes unwillingly found the stack of papers on the counter once again and a tear fell from her eye. Once that one dropped, more followed until salty, wet lines relentlessly began streaming down her face. She didn't try keeping it together any longer. She dropped onto the sofa a few feet away and smothered her face with her hands. Sounds came from her that gave even herself chills.
She should've been crying in Tony's arms. He should've been holding her, comforting her, saying it was going to be alright. But it was him she was crying over now. That seemed like a lie. How could she be helplessly, hopelessly crying over the person that once held her through the worst moments?
The tears fell even harder and air became more difficult to breathe. She wanted her husband back. She needed the old Tony that she knew as well as herself and loved with everything in her. But now the chance of having any Tony at all was gone and the thought of that pierced her and caused her unsteady insides to convulse.
Pain sliced through her sides and chest as her audible cries weakened her, causing her to shake. She needed him. She wanted him. The old him. She made her way into her closet and fished something out from the very back. It was a shirt he had left behind when they had split up. Her loyal heart had just never allowed her to get rid of it. She dropped to her knees, clutched it tightly in her hands and brought it to her face, taking in the smell and crying desperately into it. His scent still lingered in the fibers and it was enough to send her over the edge.
It seemed childish and ridiculous to wear it, but she was pulling it over her head before she could expel the idea from her mind. She snuggled in it, cuddling it close to her. Gradually, the heavy cries mellowed into weak whimpers. Her thumb softly rubbed the material and his memory played vividly in her head. Nausea constricted her coherence again. She felt dizzy thinking about the hurricane that her life was.
Moments later, after the disoriented distress settled, she gathered her thoughts and the little composure she could conjure up. She knew she couldn't stay like this forever. It was over. They're life together was over. He didn't want her - made obvious by his constant drinking, snide remarks, and effortful distance.
She pulled his shirt off and threw it back into the back of the closet – still, something compellingly wouldn't let her trash it. She wiped the tears from her eyes and cheeks and sniffed, took a deep breath, and exhaled.
As much as she wanted Tony, she couldn't have him like he was now, not the new Tony. It couldn't work; she'd obviously established that. So she needed to find a way to make the best of this new life alone. She would go back to work at CTU and fulfill her duties to the country she loved since she was no longer needed or wanted by the husband she loved. That was all she had known before, so she could certainly go back to that now, couldn't she? She could and she would; going on as if she didn't need him.
Even if it was a lie.