It wasn't me. I looked in the mirror and saw the bloodshot eyes, the dark circles under them, the line of blood from one nostril, the dark beard stubble. I rubbed my hand over my cheek and felt the hair like sandpaper, rough against my palm. It wasn't me.
I'd pull it together. Take a shower and shave, clean up the blood. Hide the drugs. Act normal so no one would know. Not Ashley, not the members of the band, not Leo, no one. I could do it. I scrunged up my nose, swiped at the nostrils. It always itched or ached. I was destroying my nasal cavities, I knew it.
I'd take my meds, the ones I was supposed to take, I'd get rid of all the coke. I'd just kick again, go cold turkey. I'd do what I was supposed to do. This was just for fun, just a slight binge. It didn't mean anything. I'd straighten out. But first, one more line. I deserved that much.
In the shower I heard a knock on the door. I'd locked the door, of course. I hadn't hidden the coke yet, the little mirror, the razor blades. I hadn't dug my lithium out of whatever dark place I'd hidden it. The steam and hot water was making me almost relax, but I was wired. I was slightly manic, what doctors called hypomanic, and being hypomanic was the best. It felt so good. And the coke only helped things, pushing me just a little bit higher. It was nice to feel good for once, to push the past aside, to live and breathe in the present. Living in the now, something I hadn't been all that good at doing for a long time.
"Craig!" It was Ashley, of course. I listened to her sweet musical voice. I listened to the shower spray pound against the glass shower doors.
"What!" I called back, leaning my head back under the shower, closing my eyes and letting the water run down my face.
"You almost done? I've got to get in there!" Her sweet voice, God I loved it. I twisted the knob to the shower off and stepped out, dried off with the thick white hotel towel. I saw blood on it. Fuck. My nose was still bleeding. I grabbed my bag of coke, my mirror and the razor blades and shoved them down into the bottom of my bag. I saw the bulge in the front pouch that was the medicine bottle, the lithium. I took it out and set it on the edge of the sink. Cleared away a circle in the mirror on the wall and looked at myself. It wasn't much blood. It was almost stopping. I wiped at it with some Kleenex. Shaved real quick and I looked so much better. Younger, clean cut, together. I didn't look like a bipolar coke head drug addict. Not at all.
"Finally," Ashley said when I opened the door, and she kissed my cheek.
"I love it when you shave," she said, her voice dropping to a sexy whisper, and I just wanted to have sex with her right then and there. I put my arms around her waist and pulled her over to the bed, kissed her hard. She pulled away, laughing.
"Not now, I have to get ready," She was in the bathroom with the door shut and locked before I could blink. Get ready for what? To go to the lobby and have breakfast and coffee? To watch the band sneak cigarettes outside the lobby doors? I shook my head, pulled on my boxers and jeans, couldn't decide on a shirt. I listened to the muted sound of the shower through the thick bathroom door. She took forever in the shower. Forever. Now that we went from hotel to hotel together I knew more about her than I've known about anyone before. It was cool. It was intimate. But I knew I'd have enough time to do just one more line before she came out.
When I was digging my coke out of wherever I'd stashed it, like the bottom of this bag or the back of a drawer or the secret place in the overhead compartment on the bus, I was so focused. Kind of listening for noise, like one of the band members coming down to our room early or Ash getting out of the shower or the maids who would sometimes knock on the door. But it was clear, no noise, no nothing. Just the comforting sound of the shower behind the door. I tapped a little of the cocaine onto the mirror and chopped it up into lines and snorted them quick, felt the burn as it went up, felt the blood starting again. Shit. I'd just gotten that under control.