Authors Note;
these are castiels thoughts before the second episode of season 7, put on the song "Little Lion Man" of "Mumford And Sons", because that is one of the better destiel songs I know. Enjoy.
"Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart."
He doesn't know, this. No-one knows. I always liked to keep an eye on the Winchester during the moments I couldn't be with them. On Sam, just to make sure he didn't do anything stupid, he was going through a rough time. But especially on Dean. There was a certain vibe coming from Dean which made me worried about him. I had noticed this the moment I got him out of hell. He had had a rough time there, but I never really got his reaction to being back. I had always thought he would be glad, glad to be alive, glad to see his beloved brother again. But he was just sad, just so immensely sad. Not in public, no, he held himself big in public. He was sad when no-one was around, no-one but me there to see him cry, on his own, about I don't know what. Even though I didn't understand him, I let him be, he had no use of knowing who I was, and he seemed fine with the way his life went.
"Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start."
As time went on he cried more and more, I didn't see him cry, not always, but I could always sense it if he had. There were days where he didn't say a word, and I could still know that he had been crying. Over time I found out that he wasn't crying because he was sad. He was, sometimes, but most of the time he cried because he was disappointed in himself. Sometimes I just wanted to go up to him, reveal myself to him and explain that it wasn't his fault, he was not to blame. It took him a while, but there came a moment for him to open up to his brother. He had lost his will to be strong, to keep it to himself. And I must say I was relieved when he did. I was almost starting to worry, and I, as an angel, was not supposed to feel those things. But I couldn't help but worry when I looked at him. I had a special bond with him, and somehow, even though it doesn't make any sense, I felt responsible for him.
"Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems,
that you made in your own head."
After he had opened up to Sam he seemed lighter of heart for a while. But every time I was near him I could feel that he was lying to himself. It was in this period of time that I decided it was the right moment to reveal myself to Dean. He was not convinced of what I told him. Maybe I didn't explain it thorough enough. I tried telling him that he was important, that God had a plan with him. But he didn't seem to think he was worth any attention of God whatsoever, he didn't seem to think he was worthy of having my attention. He talked himself down, and I could feel he was still crying himself to sleep, les because of what he blamed himself, and more as a result of his life up until now. I felt like he was seeing his life as way harder than it was, but then again, who am I to speak, I didn't get anything from the human-kind back then.
"Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before."
When Sam was planning on going to hell to get rid of Lucifer, I could sense the old scars coming up again. Dean was scared, he was afraid of losing Sam, afraid of what would happen after Sam had gone to hell. He became more to himself, he didn't talk that much anymore, not with Sam, but not with me either. I was worried, because since I had chosen the Winchesters above heaven, they had been my life. I might not have shown them, but they were all I had. And they got to me like no-one should ever get to an angel, not even to a fallen one. I had had problems with the others, but nothing seemed to get my mind of what Dean was feeling. Sometime in that period I had a conversation with Dean, he told me, not so much with word as with his eyes, that he was scared for a repetition of his time in hell. Not for himself, he wasn't that scared of being left alone, but for Sam, what if Sam came back, and he would be like Dean had been? I didn't comfort him, and I still regret that.
"Tremble little lion man,
You'll never settle any of your scores."
The closer Sam's plan to go to hell came to finishing, the closer Dean came to abducting Sam to prevent him from doing it. I had seen deans face in a lot of emotions, and I could interpret most of them, but those days he had made faces I not only hope to not ever see again, but I couldn't understand them either. I pride myself in knowing enough of the human-kind to get through life on earth, but I don't think I'll ever understand Dean. Sometime in the last few days before Sam's jump Dean had apparently decided he could chance Sam's mind. He stopped worrying about him and had settled into a somewhat disturbing peace of mind, in which he just drank and acted like he didn't care. I must say he scared me. I knew, in my head, that he did care, and that he wasn't really heartless. But my heart was scared we had lost the Dean I had met years ago.
"Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Learn from your mother or else,
spend your days biting your own neck"
When Dean went on to live with Lisa, I visited him every once in a while. At first he was just mourning and drinking, after a while he was just drinking. I couldn't be there and not think about how it could have gone if I never had raised him from perdition, it was God's plan, I know that, but where was God when I needed the confirmation he was still alive? Lisa handled him well, he eventually stopped drinking, and started spending time with Ben. But I could feel, if I stood close enough, that he was holding himself back, he missed his old life, as much as he loved Lisa and Ben, he missed his brother more. Lisa learned him how to behave like a normal family guy, ben tought him how to take care of loved ones in a way he could never have learned from his father. But something in his personality was missing, like part of his soul was missing.
"But it was not your fault but mine,
And it was your heart on the line"
Dean lived through a lot, and had to do a lot, because of the problems he was forced into. The problems in fact, I forced him into. It all started with Gods plan for him, and I am part of that plan. It all started when I grabbed him and took him from hell. He never did anything to deserve this, I did. He never did anything to start this, I did. And I'll never be able to pay him back for what I did, his lifetime is by far not long enough, and in the current situation, neither is mine.
"I really fucked it up this time,"
And now here I am. Standing in front of the portal Dean made, another one of my faults. The portal to purgatory. I made mistakes, I made a lot of mistakes, and Dean had always felt the consequences of them. But this mistake, this one is the largest I've ever made. I have not only risked the lives of Sam and Dean Winchester, I've risked the world we live in, I've risked the lives of my friends and family, if that's what I can call them. And what for? I did it to help, but not for a moment, not for the slightest moment did I think about the risks. I, though I didn't think I did, did it all for myself. And now I have to face up to the consequences. I know I have to, but I don't think I can. Yes, I must, for Dean, for the Winchesters.
"Didn't I, my dear?"
I throw a last glance at Dean, trying to take in as much information about what he thinks about me at once. I see hatred, despair, hurt, doubt and anger but most of all I see disappoint. I can't look at his face any longer, I have to do this now, if I don't, nothing will ever be the same again. I turn away from Dean and Bobby and face the glowing white hole in the wall. Behind the white I see something. Immediately my attention is caught and I step forward. Towards the white, away from Dean and the life I have lived for way too long.
"Didn't I, my dear?"
Without further ado I step into the light praying to my father that everything will be okay, and above all, praying that Dean Winchester will be okay.
Authors Note;
As always, comment if you feel like it and the same goes for favouriting. I hope to write to you soon, and have a nice day :)