I have no idea what happened to the disclaimer that says I don't own any GI Joe characters. All I know is that I have a lot of crazy ideas in my tiny little mind. And that results in some Cobra Commander torture.
Morons On My Payroll
"Okay let's review what happened this afternoon," Cobra Commander sat at his desk and looked at the two subordinates sitting in chairs in front of his desk. "And let's find out what led to Cobra's latest disaster shall we? Copperhead and…Who the hell are you again?"
He was addressing the man on his left, a young man in his twenties with short brown hair wearing red body armor with red sunglasses and a white lab coat. "Hotwire sir! I'm your Battle Android Trooper technician and the youngest in a long line of mad scientists! I wasn't planning on being a mad scientist like my family but after a little incident with some fighting robots that ran amok in my English class it seemed like a good career choice."
"I didn't ask for your back story," Cobra Commander sighed. "I just wanted to know your name."
"I just thought you would like to know," Hotwire shrugged.
"It is a good story," Copperhead the green armor clad Southern native agreed.
"Yes, well perhaps I will listen to it some other time when I feel like I have some brain cells to kill," Cobra Commander sighed. "So what happened?"
"Well you know that reality show on TV about the guys who build motorcycles for a living?" Copperhead asked. "We thought we'd try something like that."
"And you think there's an audience for people watching two guys build super powered tanks?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Hover tanks!" Hotwire beamed. "Tanks that go on land and water! I came up with the idea and with assistance from Copperhead here we built some prototypes!"
"And just out of curiosity…Why did you paint one of them pink?" Cobra Commander asked.
"To attract the female demographic," Copperhead explained. "Which is out there. Somewhere. Not that we've found it yet…"
"Yes, yes…That explains all the cameras you 'borrowed'," Cobra Commander sighed. "So it is my understanding that you two decided to take these prototype cameras out on a test run and film it for a possible reality show?"
"That's right Commander," Hotwire said proudly. "We decided by having a mock battle would really get people interested."
"So why did you do it during rush hour on the freeway?" Cobra Commander asked.
"More targets, sir. Makes it more interesting," Copperhead explained.
"Well you certainly did make the commute home more interesting I'll give you that," Cobra Commander groaned. "Not that I don't admire your initiative for mayhem and destruction…I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is leaving a trail a mile wide towards our headquarters!"
"Oh yeah that…" Hotwire gulped.
"That was nearly the end of us all!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You left a trail of overturned cars and hot dogs a mile wide! And while I am on the subject why were you shooting hot dogs at each other?"
"We didn't want to blow each other up sir," Hotwire explained.
"But you had no problem using live ammo on everything else in your path?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically.
"Well we had to have some explosions for the pilot episode," Copperhead shrugged.
"And your definition of some is about two hundred and fifty three destroyed cars," Cobra Commander looked at a paper list.
"At least ten of them were cop cars sir, so it wasn't a total loss," Hotwire explained.
Cobra Commander looked at the list again. "You also destroyed eighteen motorcycles, twelve trucks, eighty five destroyed lampposts, six fire hydrants, two buildings, a gas station, a hot dog cart, half a street block and…twelve turkeys?"
"One of the trucks we blew up was a livestock truck," Copperhead explained.
"There were feathers everywhere! It was neat!" Hotwire grinned.
"It was a disaster! Do you have any idea how close this base came to being discovered and compromised?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Well we're still here. We obviously gave them the slip using the secret underground entrance in the back," Copperhead said. "And our invisibility cloak we developed worked too!"
"Yes. By half a second! It's a good thing we are hiding under a Clucky Chicken Restaurant!" Cobra Commander snapped. "GI Joe was literally at our doorstep. Literally. They were standing in front of the doors of the Clucky Chicken restaurant. If they didn't have that gourmand Roadblock with them they would have walked in and found the two of you eating a bucket of chicken in the booths!"
"I always said it doesn't pay to be a picky eater sir," Copperhead told him.
"Why were you sitting in the restaurant?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"We were hungry," Hotwire blinked. "How do you know what happened?"
"Besides the dozens of news reports all over the television, the surveillance footage inside our building and the giant fireball that could be seen two blocks away?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Someone snitched on us didn't they?" Copperhead folded his arms. "Who was it? Was it Major Bludd? I'll bet it was Major Bludd. Never did like that limey weasel."
"It couldn't be him. I think he's either still in the hospital or dead," Hotwire said. "My money's on Firefly. He'd sell out his grandmother for a buck. It was Firefly wasn't it?"
"You know the only reason I don't fire you two morons out of a cannon is that you two are rocket scientists compared to the Dreadnoks right?" Cobra Commander sighed. "I mean if I have to keep those idiots around I might as well keep you two around!"
"And we appreciate that very much, Sir," Hotwire gulped nervously.
"Just get out of my sight before I change my mind," Cobra Commander waved. The two underlings fled quickly. "And I thought my command staff gave me plenty of headaches."
"Sir! Here I am Sir!" A Crimson Guard trooper walked in and saluted.
"And here comes another headache," Cobra commander groaned. "Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Sgt. Nick Bailey, Sir! Your new assistant assigned by the Crimson Guard Commanders! Codename Vanguard!" The trooper saluted again. "I'm a former army sergeant who thought that the tactics used by the military were too lenient, sir!"
"Again with the origin story," Cobra Commander groaned. "Don't really care."
"To be fair Sir I left the army mostly because of my brother and a certain Black Hawk incident," Vanguard shrugged.
"He tells me anyway. Let me guess, your brother died in a Black Hawk helicopter incident and you hold a grudge?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"No! He got picked to be the adviser for the Black Hawk movie and I wasn't!" Vanguard snapped. "I don't know why! I've crashed more helicopters in a week than he's flown in six months!"
"Uh huh…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Wait aren't you the nut who got kicked out of our air force for shooting down our own planes?"
"It was dark. I didn't know how to turn on the headlights and it was an honest mistake!" Vanguard protested.
"There are no headlights on our fighter jets," Cobra Commander glared at him.
"Oh. Well no wonder I couldn't turn them on," Vanguard shrugged.
"I see. Just for the hell of it I'm going to ask why you haven't been shot by a firing squad yet," Cobra Commander asked. "So how did you get out if it?"
"Oh I accidentally shot Wild Weasel's brother in law," Vanguard explained. "He really hated that guy."
"I see," Cobra Commander sighed. "Okay fine. Just stand there and take notes for this round of interviews I need to do."
"You mean with pencil and paper?" Vanguard blinked.
"No, I mean carve them into your arm with a rusted screwdriver!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I don't have a rusted screwdriver, Sir," Vanguard blinked. "Can I borrow one?"
"Oh Great Serpent save me from the idiots around me," Cobra Commander put his face in his hands. He grabbed a pad and a pen and threw them at his subordinate. "HERE! Use these you fool!"
"Oh this will be a lot easier! Thanks Commander!" Vanguard said cheerfully.
"Don't mention it," Cobra Commander snarled. "All right send the first candidate in!"
"Okey-Dokey!" Vanguard said cheerfully as he went to get the door. He opened it. "WHOEVER'S FIRST GET IN HERE! THE COMMANDER WANTS TO SEE YA!"
"We really should start screening new Cobra applicants more carefully," Cobra Commander groaned.
A man in a crocodile costume walked in. "Croc Master reporting for duty sir!" He saluted.
"And the hits just keep on coming," Cobra Commander groaned.
"I am a crocodile expert. Half man-half crocodile!" Croc Master spoke proudly. "Thanks to a mutation experiment gone wrong. Like Spider Man only with an irradiated crocodile instead of a spider."
"Why is everyone telling me their origin stories today?" Cobra Commander moaned. "Besides you're not even telling a real one! You're obviously not half crocodile!"
"Yes, I am!" Croc Master protested.
"No, you're not!" Cobra Commander pointed. "I can see the zipper in your costume!"
"It's not a costume!" Croc Master said.
"Uh yeah it is," Vanguard said. "He's right. I can see the zipper. It's in the front. See?"
"Oh," Croc Master looked at it. "Is it that obvious?"
"Pretty much," Cobra Commander sighed.
"Sorry. I am an expert on reptiles and crocodiles. I just thought the costume might give me an edge," Croc Master shrugged.
"More like pushing me over the edge!" Cobra Commander groaned.
"I'm not getting the job am I?" Croc Master frowned.
"I dunno. Depends on who else shows up," Cobra Commander groaned. "If everybody else comes in here with a koala costume or something like that you may have a shot."
"All right!" Croc Master cheered. He went to the door and opened it. "Hey you in the koala costume! Get lost!"
"Aw man…" Someone moaned outside the door.
"Oh for crying out…" Cobra Commander moaned. "We have your resume. We'll call you."
"YES!" Croc Master cheerfully left the room.
"We have his resume right?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"Yes, Sir. It's right here," Vanguard pointed to a paper on his desk.
"Good. Throw it in the wastebasket will you?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Okay. So we're not calling him back?" Vanguard asked.
"Why do I have so many morons on my payroll?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"If you don't mind me asking, Sir. What is this position for?" Vanguard asked as he threw the resume away.
"A new head trainer for our dwindling army," Cobra Commander sighed as he wrote something down. "Someone to toughen up what's left of our troops and get them in shape."
"We don't have someone like that? How did Cobra work all these years without one?" Vanguard blinked.
"I see it's my turn to tell an origin story," Cobra Commander sighed. "You see twenty years ago we did hire someone to train and toughen up the Cobra Troops. His name was Big Boa. He was a failed boxer who wanted to fight this other boxer but for some reason he never got a match with him. Got mad and held a grudge against society…Yada, yada, yada…Came to work for Cobra and whipped our troops into shape. Fat lot of good that did fighting GI Joe but when it came to running away they were a lot faster."
"But he was good at his job wasn't he?" Vanguard asked.
"Oh yes there was no denying that," Cobra Commander sighed. "Big Boa was a brutal unfeeling taskmaster that made Martha Stewart look like a slacker. He had muscles bigger than the former governor of California and no accent to get in the way of his yelling. He had fists as big as frozen turkeys, a disposition worse than a lion with a headache and a voice louder than a bullhorn. Put the fear of God in our men."
"Well if he was so great why are you replacing him?" Vanguard asked.
"YEAH WHY ARE YOU REPLACING ME?" A shrill voice could be heard from behind the office door. "OPEN UP! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! OW! THESE DOORS ARE HARD!"
"I was afraid this was going to happen…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Might as well get this over with. Open the door and let him in Vanguard."
Vanguard opened the door and a spry thin elderly gentleman with white balding hair wearing thick rimmed glasses, a gold tank top and a pair of shiny red shorts stumbled in. "Thanks sonny! So Commander what's this crap I hear about you giving away my job?" The spry elderly gentleman snapped.
"That's Big Boa?" Vanguard gasped.
"Did I mention he lied about his age when he joined us?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"Really?" Vanguard asked.
"Said he was thirty five instead of fifty five," Cobra Commander told him. "Look he had a mask on and huge muscles! How was I supposed to know? How could anybody know?"
"How did you think I wouldn't hear about you giving away my job and giving me the boot?" Big Boa snapped as he pointed to his head. "You know with this new hearing aid I can hear better now than I did when I was in my twenties!"
"Wait if you were so huge and…how?" Vanguard did a double take at the figure in front of him.
"I had an accident and was in a coma for a few years and you know how muscles sometimes atrophy during that time," Big Boa made a grunt that sounded more like a cough. "Not my fault!"
"Hold on how come you and Destro and the Baroness and everyone else in your command staff look so young?" Vanguard asked.
"Oh there was an incident with some magic water that didn't end very well," Cobra Commander waved. "The only good thing is that it enhanced our youth."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"WHOOO HEEEEE!" Torch could be heard yelling in the hallway. "THAT GOT BLOWED UP GOOD!"
"The bad thing is it also enhanced the Dreadnoks' youth," Cobra Commander moaned. "As if they weren't immature enough!"
"Yeah, yeah you all got lucky but I don't need no special fancy water you young whippersnapper?" Big Boa made some fists. "You take my job over my cold dead body!"
"Oh Great Serpent this isn't even funny…" Cobra Commander moaned as Big Boa made boxing movements. "Look we are rather shorthanded. I'm sure we can find something for you in management somewhere…"
"Put 'em up! Fight me like a man!" Big Boa danced around. "Yeah! You're scared now aren't you? Aren't you?"
"Easy old timer…" Vanguard held up his hands.
"WHOA! Trick move!" Big Boa leaned backwards in surprise. Then he fell over backwards. "AAAH! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
"Oh for crying out…" Cobra Commander groaned. "Vanguard take him to the infirmary will you?"
"I'm okay! I'm okay…Why is the room spinning?" Big Boa moaned as Vanguard picked him up. "Put me down! Put me down or I'll mop the floor with ya you little punk! OW! MY HIP!"
"I'd shoot the maniac if it wasn't a waste of good bullets," Cobra Commander moaned as Vanguard took him away. "Forget the bullets, I could probably shoot paper spit wads at him and they'd do the job! Then again we are understaffed…"
"Cobra Commander," Dr. Mindbender walked in with a Cobra soldier behind him.
"Oh joy…What the hell do you want now Mindbender?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"I need to give you…" Mindbender took out a paper from his pocket.
"Fail Bra Co!" The Cobra Soldier saluted.
"Not now…" Mindbender hissed to the soldier.
"Pale Oprah!" The soldier said again.
"Let me guess…You're one of my synthoid troops aren't you?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Tail Dough Bra!" The Cobra Synthoid nodded enthusiastically.
"Just as I thought," Cobra Commander quipped. "Another quality bit of genetic engineering Mindbender."
"Yes well he's from Batch 22-C," Mindbender sighed. "Ironically one of my better batches. And the purpose of this request form. I need more materials to make more synthoids."
"More synthoids?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I just gave you the funds and materials to make more yesterday! What happened?"
"Uh…?" Mindbender coughed. "It turns out that some of those materials were expired past their expiration date and long story short…We had a bad batch."
"How bad are we talking about here?" Cobra Commander groaned. "Bad as in Batch 15 A where we had soldiers whose heads were in their armpits and their legs on top of their torsos or bad like Batch 13 X that exploded after twenty minutes?"
"You remember Batch 6 D?" Mindbender asked.
"The flesh eating half melted zombie synthoids?" Cobra Commander's voice rose.
"It's like that," Mindbender sighed.
"How many actual people did they eat this time?" Cobra Commander put his head in his hands.
"Only three. The other fifteen they ate were synthoids so…" Mindbender shrugged. "And they were an inferior batch anyway. Plus I was considering firing two of my assistants that got eaten so no harm no foul."
"RRARRRRRRRR!" A roar was heard in the hallway. Along with several screams.
"Oh crap, there's another one I missed!" Mindbender groaned. "Cobra Commander do you have an axe or a chainsaw I can borrow?"
"Use the chainsaw in the middle shelf over there," Cobra Commander sighed. "And to think there was a time when I wondered when I would ever use it."
"Yeah it's pretty much an everyday item for around the office," Mindbender took it out. "Very handy. I'll clean it up before I return it."
"Thank you," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "And I guess I'll get right on those replacement synthoid materials. Like I have a bloody choice…"
"And I have a bloody chore," Mindbender said. "Come Fred 33! We have a zombie synthoid to dissect!" He left the room with the chainsaw.
"Mail Lola!" The Synthoid Cobra Soldier saluted and followed Mindbender cheerfully out of the office. Sounds of chainsaw slashing and mayhem could be heard down the hall.
"I hate my life…" Cobra Commander moaned. "I hate my life…All I ever wanted was to make the world a better place by subjugating it under my iron rule. Is that too much to ask? Serpent's fangs what else can go wrong today?"
"Commander…" Destro walked in with Dr. Venom. "We have a problem."
"And here comes the answer to that question!" Cobra Commander threw ups his hands. "All right, tell me what disaster has befallen Cobra this time and how much did you two contribute to it?"
"Well you know how I've been assisting Destro and the Baroness with their relationship problems?" Dr. Venom coughed nervously.
"You mean exploiting those two's personal disaster and our national nightmare so you can make a quick buck?" Cobra Commander gave him a look. "I'm aware. I have a stake in the betting pool."
"Betting pool? What betting pool?" Destro asked.
"It's not important," Dr. Venom waved. "The point is that we were trying some new therapy with hypnosis and I well…sort of made a little whoopsie."
"A little whoopsie?" Cobra Commander growled. "And what exactly do you mean by the term 'whoopsie'?"
"Uh…" Dr. Venom gulped. "I may have…slightly stepped over a professional line."
"Slightly stepped over? And how far over the line did you slightly step over?" Cobra Commander asked. "Spit it out!"
"Well…" Dr. Venom sighed. "You know how the Baroness has been a bit of a bitch lately?"
"Lately would imply that her behavior has changed from her usual sunny disposition," Cobra Commander said snidely.
"Technically it has," Destro sighed. "For the worst. Trust me on this."
"I see…" Cobra Commander nodded. "So what exactly are you getting at? I mean what does the Baroness being a bitch and your mistake with hypnosis have to do with…? Oh wait a minute I'm starting to get an idea."
"BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!"
"Getting a clearer idea," Cobra Commander winced as he noted that the barking had a feminine tone as well as some kind of Eastern European accent.
"RARRRRR! BARK! BARK! BARK!"
"Got it," Cobra Commander sighed.
"You see Cobra Commander…" Dr. Venom began.
"No need to explain it to me Dr. Venom," Cobra Commander waved. "I got the gist of what happened loud and clear!"
"Grrrr! Rarrr!" The Baroness romped in on all fours carrying what looked like a chew toy.
"Do I have to ask why? Besides the obvious reason of this being extremely amusing?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"Right before I put her under she and Destro were bickering," Dr. Venom said. "Destro made a comment about maybe I could make her less of a bitch if possible. And she made a comment that if I failed that she would become an even bigger bitch. Technically I didn't really fail."
"I see…" Cobra Commander sighed.
"Grrrrr…." The Baroness dropped her chew toy and growled at Destro.
"It just sort of happened! Destro and I looked at each other and the next thing I knew I was whacking her with a newspaper to get her off of me!" Dr. Venom said. "Didn't work."
"GRRRR! BARK!" The Baroness leapt on Destro and started to bite him.
"OW! DOWN BARONESS! DOWN GIRL!" Destro yelled at the Baroness attacked him.
"Dr. Venom you didn't step slightly over a professional line," Cobra Commander snarled. "You ran over it at sixty miles per hour in a car!"
"I might have had my new experimental hypnosis ray on a higher setting than I needed," Dr. Venom winced.
"No, ya think?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically.
"AGGGGGH! STOP BITING ME BARONESS!" Destro yelled.
"You can change her back right? I mean after she's finished using Destro as a chew toy?" Cobra Commander asked with a sigh.
"Uh…Maybe?" Dr. Venom shrugged. "I think so. I hope so."
"GGRRRRRR!" The Baroness leapt up and attacked Dr. Venom next.
"OW! OW! GET OFF! DOWN GIRL! DOWN!" Dr. Venom screamed.
"Okay let's recap my day…" Cobra Commander put his head in his hands. "We blew up half the city and almost blew our cover. The Baroness has literally become the biggest bitch in Cobra. There's a zombie attack in the hallway. My head trainer needs a hip replacement as well as needing to be replaced."
BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"YEEE HAAA! LOOK AT ALL THAT GRAPE SODA GO!" Torch was heard yelling.
"GRRRRR!" The Baroness snarled as she mauled Dr. Venom.
"OW! OW! HELP ME! HELP ME!" Dr. Venom screamed in agony. "Destro! Somebody help me before she chews my face off!"
"Mommy…" Destro moaned as he lay on the floor.
"And once again I have confirmed that I have nothing but morons on my payroll," Cobra Commander moaned. "I really need a vacation to somewhere peaceful and quiet."
"HA HA HA HA!" Mindbender was heard laughing over the sounds of a chainsaw. "DIE INFERIOR ZOMBIE CLONES! DIE!"
"Maybe I'll call my travel agent and find a nice relaxing war zone for me to visit?" Cobra Commander moaned as he put his head on his desk.